X-Men: Days of Future Past (Movie Review)

Personally, I just really wanna see more of this guy. What a boss.

Let’s face it folks: We live in an age of film where the only two superhero franchises that are really causing widespread debate are Marvel Studio’s Marvel Cinematic Universe, for all the right reasons, and Warner Bros. ‘ DC Cinematic Universe for, let’s say, less commendable reasons.

“Dawn of Justice”? Holy God.

Often lost in the discussion, however, is the X-Men film series from 20th Century Fox, especially after it faded from the public’s collective memory after the massive turd that was The Last Stand and the final nail in the coffin that was X-Men Origins: Wolverine. The series has been reestablishing itself, though, with a great origin story in X-Men: First Class and the likeable action movie that was The Wolverine. In 2013, a massive publicity campaign was launched for the next movie in the series, the $225 million dollar budgeted X-Men: Days of Future Past, which incorporates the original actors from the original trilogy and the newbies from First ClassHow did it work out? Well, at the very least, it ensured that Shawn Ashmore and Halle Berry remained employed for a bit.

 X-Men: Days of Future Past

Directed by: Bryan Singer

Produced by: Lauren Shuler Donner, Bryan Singer, Simon Kinberg, Hutch Parker

Screenplay by: Simon Kinberg

Story by: Simon Kinberg, Matthew Vaughn, Jane Goldman

Based on: Days of Future Past by Chris Claremont and Josh Byrne

Sequel to: X-Men: First Class, X-Men: The Last Stand, The Wolverine

Series: X-Men (Seventh installment)

Genre: Superhero

Starring: Hugh Jackman, James McAvoy, Michael Fassbender, Jennifer Lawrence, Nicholas  Hoult, Peter Dinklage, Evan Peters, Ellen Page, Halle Berry, Shawn Ashmore, Omar Sy,  Daniel Cudmore, Fan Bingbing, Booboo Stewart, Adam Canto, Josh Helman, Mark Camacho,                                                                                  Patrick Stewart, Ian McKellen

Plot: The year: 2023. In this dystopian future, the mutants have been all but wiped out by murderous robots known as Sentinels, who were created in 1973 by a military scientist named Bolivar Trask (Peter Dinklage), whose Sentinel program was largely criticized by the American government until his assassination by rogue mutant insurgent Mystique (Jennifer Lawrence), which convinced the people of the world to adopt it. After Mystique’s capture, her DNA was replicated for use by the Sentinels, who gained Mystique’s shape-shifting powers, making them into essentially the perfect mutant-hunting killers. After years of resistance , the only mutants left include Charles Xavier (Patrick Stewart), Magneto (Ian McKellen), Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) and Kitty Pryde (Ellen Page), who has the power to send another person’s consciousness back in time to deliver warnings.

Realizing that it’s not long before the Sentinels find their hideout in China and extinguish the mutants once and for all, he decides to send Wolverine back to 1973 in order to stop the assassination of Bolivar Trask from ever happening. In order to do so, Wolverine must team up with the younger version of the deceased Beast (Nicholas Hoult), the younger version of Magneto (Michael Fassbender) who has been incarcerated in the Pentagon as the suspected murder of President Kennedy, and the younger version of Charles Xavier, who, now jaded and cynical,  has shut down his X-Men and regained the use of his legs through the use of a serum, at the expense of his telekinetic powers.

I’ve gone on and on about how recent superhero movies have seemed to commit the same error of making themselves much more convoluted then they really need to be. Both of the superhero movies released this year prior to Days of Future Past (Captain America: The Winter Soldier and The Amazing Spider-Man 2) , while both at least enjoyable, suffered from this problem, although one of them definitely handled this problem a bit better than the other.

Can you guess which one?

And you’d assume that a movie like this one, involving time travel, of all things, would be no different. However you would be wrong. Stop being so presumptuous.

At no point did the film ever lose me through convoluted dialogue or sloppy editing. Nor was it full of elaborate, pretentious dialogue that requires constant hand-holding (Cough-cough. House of Cards). When you’re making a movie that features Wolverine beating the shit out of a bunch of dickheads, you don’t need to mix in a bunch of convoluted crap in to make it feel like the Dark Knight. This movie holds off on that, which is greatly appreciated. All you need to know about the rules of time travel in this universe is neatly explained right from the get-go.

The movie also maintains a crisp pace throughout its’ relatively short run-time of 130 minutes (Ten minutes shorter than the new Spider-man). I never got bored, or felt my mind wander as boring dialogue took over. The movie finds a nice balance between witty dialogue, dramatic exposition and kick-ass action scenes. Sure, it had the minimal amounts of superhero cheese, but hey, you’re not watching Dark Knight. A little bit of cheese every now and then isn’t going to kill you.

Well, not right away, anyways.

Speaking of the dialogue, the movie hits the perfect balance between dark and funny, with most of the humor being provided by Hugh Jackman (Once again excellent as everyone’s favourite Canadian rage-monster), who provides surprisingly well-done quips and banter. and Evan Peters, who easily steals the show as everyone’s favourite new  X-Man, Quicksilver. Peters, otherwise known for his roles in American Horror Story  and Kick-Ass (Before he wisely jumped the ship of the latter franchise) brings his knack for comic timing to the table, which works all too well with the character of Peter Maximoff, who ends up having what could possibly be one o the best scenes in the entire movie.

My one problem with the character of Quickilver is the way that he is left behind by Wolverine and his berry band o’ mutants once they’re done using him. Couldn’t they have used somebody who can move at light-speed? I feel like that would’ve been extremely useful.

As for the rest of the giant cast, there isn’t really a weak link among the bunch. Jackman and Peters are great before, as mentioned, and Booboo Stewart, Shawn Ashmore, Halle Berry, Ellen Page, Fan Bingbing and Omar Sy and company, while they may not have all that much lines, do what is required of them, which is, look cool in action scenes, and stand around stoically.  Patrick Stewart an Ian McKellen (Old Xavier and old Magneto) are great in their limited scenes in this movie, and Peter Dinklage does good work as Bolivr Trask even if I was a bit shaken by him using his natural American accent instead of the English one he uses in Game of Thrones.

The best performances in the movie, however, clearly belong to the characters returning from First Class. James McAvoy is downright fantastic as the cynical younger version of Charles Xavier, as is Michael Fassbender as the radical mutant idealist known as Magneto. The scenes between the two can be downright heartbreaking, as the two old friends continuously butt heads over their extreme ideological differences, but remain painfully aware of the bond they share as former brothers in arms.

Nicholas Hoult (Beast) is good as well, but his real-life girlfriend, Jennifer Lawrence is pretty damn great. Nobody’s gonna scream “Oscar” this time around, but she did a fine job considering that a) I didn’t find her too be that good in First Class and b) Her character, Mystique, is disappointingly one-note this time around, and basically serves as a plot device to move the story forward.

And hey, when it comes to one-note characters, you could do a lot worse than casting the most bankable movie star on planet Earth right now.

 

Overall: Side-stepping the many dangers that come with making a large-scale superhero movie like this, Days of Future Past is an action-packed, dark, and surprisingly funny film, and is comparable to The Avengers when it comes to sheer enjoyment level. It’s not exactly Dark Knight (The best superhero movie ever), and The Avengers is still superior in my mind, but hey, when Wolverine is tearing a bunch of punk-ass motherfuckers to shreds, who needs that “Why so serious” bullshit?

Rating: 9.5/10

And, for what it’s worth,  the Sentinels now top my list of movie robots to be fucking terrified of.

 

 

 

 

 

Top 10 Movie and TV Anti-Heroes Part 1 of 3: 10-8 (SPOILERS AHEAD)

Anti-Hero: a leading character in a film, book or play who lacks some or all of the traditional heroic qualities, such as altruism, idealism, courage, nobility, fortitude, and moral goodness.

It seems like the concept of the anti-hero is a recent invention among movies and TV. Just thirty-some years ago, the defining hero of my mom’s generation was Luke Skywalker, the last of the Jedi, and about as noble a human being as one can be. This generation’s hero is a fifty-something drug dealer who poisons children and murders anybody who looks at him funny. Talk about a generation gap. If Breaking Bad had aired in the sixties, it would have caused a riot of WASPy parents that would have made the anti-music backlash of the eighties look like a calm and reasonable discussion.

It might have even gone a ways towards making Tipper Gore look like a halfway competent politician.

In reality, the concept of the anti-hero has been around since the beginning of storytelling. The ancient Greeks had a crapload of them. In the ancient legends, Hercules may have been a great hero, but he was also a poster child for anger management issues, having killed his music teacher, Linus, with a lyre, for whatever reason. He was also an extreme womanizer, (As well as whatever the gay equivalent of womanizer is) and who would have put Hugh Hefner (And Freddy Mercury) to shame, with at least thirty different male and female conquests, spread out between (And during) four different marriages. Also, instead of in the Disney movie, where Hercules beats the hell out of Hades (See what I did there?) and ends up hooking up with his sassy, unnecessarily well endowed companion, Megara, Hercules leaves James Woods alone, but is driven mad by Hera (Who’s not his mother,  and hates him, unlike in the movie) and, um, murders Megara and their four children.

Run, bitch! RUUUNNN!!!

So yeah, the concept of a slightly or largely amoral hero kicking ass and taking names isn’t a new one. It was just buried under the idea of classical heroism promoted by American propaganda during the depression (Superman, Batman),World War II (Captain America) and the Cold War (Iron Man). The anti-hero made a comeback around the seventies in movies, TV and comic books, thanks in large part to the anti-authoritarian ideals of those years,  and is going strong to this day in the same three mediums.

Anyways, the following lists are the result of my quest to find the ten best anti-heroes in movies and television. There are several criteria for inclusion on this list though:

  • I have to have seen their show/movie.
  • They have to be the main protagonist of at least one movie (Which means that Hit-Girl and Severus Snape are not included).
  • They can become a villain (Walter White), or start off as a villain (Tony Montana), but they have to be likable and adhere to a moral code (Which means that Daniel Plainview and that freaky kid from A Clockwork Orange are both out.)
  •  No, Batman is not an anti-hero. he does not lack altruism, idealism, courage, nobility, fortitude or moral goodness. Well, maybe not when Frank Miller writes him, but we’re not on comic books.
  • A lack of a no-kill policy isn’t necessary, but it helps.

Anyways, let’s get this party started:

10. Wolverine 

Appearances:  X-Men, X2, X-Men: The Last Stand, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, X-Men: First Class (Cameo), The Wolverine, X-Men: Days of the Future Past

Portrayed By: Hugh Jackman

Real Name: James “Logan” Howlett

Occupation: Adventurer, X-Man, former mercenary

No-Kill Policy?: No

A mutant with a tortured past, claws protruding from between his knuckles, a skeleton laced with indestructible adamantium and a healing factor that makes him damn near impossible to kill, this Canadian badass translated all too well from the comic book to the big screen, with Hugh Jackman using his natural Aussie charm to transform the character from short and ugly to tall and, well, gorgeous.

It’s the magic of Hollywood!!! (And diet pills)

Born James Howlett, the most famous of the X-Men originated from the wilds of Alberta, Canada, where he and his feral mutant half-brother, Victor Creed, run away from home after James accidentally kills their father when his claws emerge for the first time. Fleeing to the States and put their superpowers to use, fighting in the Civil War, World Wars 1 and 2 and Vietnam, before being recruited into a mutant mercenary group, Team X, led by William Stryker, which also included such Marvel staples as Deadpool, John Wraith the,um, Blob, Agent Zero and Charlie from Lost. when he leaves the group due to their slaughter of innocents, he leaves Team X, is tricked into having adamantium bonded to his bones to make him even more indestructible, fights the thing that was supposed to be Deadpool, and has his girlfriend die, or something. I kind of hated this movie.

Anyways, he later joins the X-Men and fights the forces of intolerance, led by both Stryker and Ian McKellen’s Magneto, before leaving the group after the clusterfuck that was The Last Stand and retiring to the Yukon to befriend CGI bears and scare the shit out of poachers. After his adventures in Japan in his solid second solo appearance, it appears that Logan will return in Days of the Future Past to be the mutant Marty McFly, or something.

The amoral superhero’s on-screen depictions have been well-received, and have made Jackman one of the most recognizable actors in the world. And no matter how much work Brett Ratner and, to a much lesser extent, Gavin Hood put into making him look like a much bigger sissy than anybody with metal claws has any right to look like, the man known  as Logan has still developed more depth then most superheroes, as shown by the awesome revelation scenes with William Stryker and Lady Deathstryke in X2 and the boring, poorly done flashbacks with tons of expendable characters in Origins. Long story short, as long as Brian Singer and/or James Mangold is there to direct, Wolverine should continue to develop into the force of nature comic fans know him to be.

9. V

 Appearance: V for Vendetta

Portrayed by: Hugo Weaving

Real Name: ???

Occupation: Vigilante, Insurgent

No-Kill Policy: Nope.

Hero or villain? Revolutionary or terrorist? It’s up to the viewer to decide what to make of V, the Guy Fawkes masked anarchist from Alan Moore and David Lloyd’s classic graphic novel, V for Vendetta. The excellent film adaptation introduced moviegoers to his theatrical  brand of violent anti-fascist insurgency.

Little is known about the man known only as V. His only known backstory is that he was imprisoned by the British government (Led by the fascist Norsefire party) at Larkhill Resettlement Camp, a death camp populated by political prisoners, homosexuals, Black people, Jews, Muslims, Indians and Pakistanis, which doesn’t exactly help nail his identity. Lucky(?) for him, he was not selected to be among the exterminated and was instead subjected to medical experimentation, which killed his fellow prisoners, but enhanced his strength and reflexes to abnormal levels, in addition to giving him genius-level intelligence, because giving your captive superhuman powers and intelligence is a good idea when you’re also trying to keep him under your thumb.

“Oh, okay, we see now that murdering a crapload of people and giving the rest all they need to defeat us may have backfired on us a little bit.”

After his inevitable escape, V dons a Guy Fawkes mask and costume and begins both a personal vendetta against his captors at Larkhill, consisting of psychological torture and assassinations, and a revolt against the tyranny of the Norsefire party, characterized by his flair for the dramatic, his love of anarchism and explosives.

While V is s freedom fighter, and I think that we can all agree that we’d rather be anything but fascist, it’s important to note that also has a twisted sense of morality that can make us hate the charismatic revolutionary. Case in point, his psychological abuse of his protege, Evey. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more conflicted about  a protagonist then when it was revealed that he orchestrated all that.

Nevertheless, thanks to the success of the film and the comic book (Which is better, in my opinion) V (Specifically, his Guy Fawkes mask) has become a symbol for civil rights movements around the world, including the Occupy Movement, the Egyptian Revolution and the activists, Anonymous.

8. Django 

Appearance: Django Unchained

Portrayed By: Jamie Foxx

Real Name: Django Freeman

Occupation: Bounty hunter, former slave

Quentin Tarantino has a reputation for writing and directing not only some fantastic movies, but also some excellent anti-heroes. Jules Winnfield, Beatrix Kiddo, Jackie Brown, Aldo Raine…

…Mr. Pink…

However, I chose to go with his most recent protagonist, the slave turned vengeful bounty hunter, Django.

Separated from his wife, Broomhilda, and sold into slavery, Django is rescued by German bounty hunter Dr. King Schultz, who has been searching for the Brittle Brothers, a notorious gang of slave drivers and Django’s former owners. Schultz, who despises slavery, but is also an opportunist, offers Django a deal: Django becomes his apprentice and helps him find the Brittle Brothers and other dangerous  criminals…

…Like the Jonah Hill-led pre-KKK.

…and in return, Schultz helps him rescue Broomhilda from the clutches of the charismatic but insane slave driver, Calvin Candie, (Played by Leonardo DiCaprio, who’s in full “Just give me my fucking Oscar already” form).

Sure, there were a ton of off-putting things about the film, specifically, the close-up shots of blood spurting out of bullet wounds, the constant saying of the n-word, and Quentin Tarantino’s acting, but you don’t go to a movie about slavery expecting to see rainbows, Uncle Toms and butterflies, like in some Paula Deen wedding fantasy, or whatever. Slavery’s been pretty much taboo until recently, with movies like Django Unchained and 12 Years a Slave contending for Oscars, and depicting the horrible, disgusting realities of slavery you didn’t see in Gone With the Wind. It helps that Django was a total badass, mowing down evil slave driver after evil slave driver and spewing memorable banter (“The “D” is silent”) left and right.

In short, Django is both a badass anti-hero, and a convenient way to alleviate white guilt. You can’t go wrong with that combo.

Join me in a few days as I keep counting down the Top 10 movie and TV anti-heroes.

Battle of the Superhero Film Franchises!!! (Part 1-Meet the Franchises!)

Well, I’d say that it’s a pretty great time to be a superhero fan.

During the gathering of nerds and cosplayers known as Comic-Con (A world I desperately want to be a part of) several superhero movies were presented to the ever-voracious nerd public. The films include the second Thor movie (Loved the first one), The Wolverine (Fuck the first one), Captain America: Winter Soldier, the second Amazing Spider-Man movie (Damn, another one?) , X-Men: Days of Future Past, Avengers: Age of Ultron (Oh God, yes!!!), the Superman/Batman movie (Nerdgasm achieved), and Guardians of the Galaxy, which I don’t know shit about except for the fact that there’s a talking raccoon involved. 

SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY!!!

That said, I got to wondering  about which superhero film franchises have been the most successful, both critically and commercially. So, I decided to rank thirteen franchises from worst to best in FOUR different categories, which are A) critical reception on Rotten Tomatoes, b) audience reception on Rotten Tomatoes, c) my opinion and d) the average commercial success per film of the series.

I define a franchise as being at least two confirmed films (For example, Kick-Ass would be considered a franchise because it has a released film and a confirmed film that has yet to be released. On the other hand, The Incredibles is not a franchise because at this point, any news of a sequel is just idle speculation. )

Well, fuck, I HOPE this is just speculation…

Anyways, let’s meet the franchises!

THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN

Superhero: Spider-Man/Peter Parker

Films: The Amazing Spider-Man (2012), The Amazing Spider-Man 2 (2014 ), The Amazing Spider-Man 3 (2016), The Amazing Spider-Man 4 (2018) Fuck, talk about getting ahead of yourself.

Directed By: Marc Webb

Stars: Andrew Garfield, Emma Stone, Martin Sheen, Sally Field, Rhys Ifans , Jamie Foxx , Dane DeHaan , Paul Giamatti , Denis Leary, Chris Zylka

Suggested Tagline: “Anybody want another Spider-Man series humping the still-warm corpse of the Sam Raimi series? No? Well fuck you, here it is anyways.”

BATMAN (BURTON/SCHUMACHER) 

Superhero: Batman/Bruce Wayne

Films: Batman (1989), Batman Returns (1992), Batman Forever (1995), Batman & Robin (1997)

Directed By: Tim Burton , Joel Schumacher

Stars: Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer, George Clooney, Jack Nicholson, Danny Devito, Michelle Pfeiffer, Christopher Walken, Tommy Lee Jones, Jim Carrey, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Uma Thurman, Chris O’Donnell, Michael Gough, Kim Basinger,  Nicole Kidman, Alicia Silverstone

Suggested Tagline: “Before there was Christian Bale… There were Bat-Nipples.”

“BAT-NIPPLES!?!?!”

BLADE

Blade movie.jpg

Superhero: Blade/Eric Brooks

Films: Blade (1998), Blade 2 (2002), Blade: Trinity (2004)

Directed By: Stephen Norrington, Guillermo del Toro, David S. Goyer

Stars: Wesley Snipes, Kris Kristofferson,  Stephen Dorff , Donal Logue , Ron Perlman, Leonor Varela, Thomas Kreschmann, Luke Goss, Dominic Purcell, Parker Posey, N’Bushe Wright, Jessica Biel, Ryan Reynolds

Suggested Tagline: I’ve actually never seen any of the Blade movies.

Ow! Stoppit! Are those rocks?! You’re hurting me!


THE DARK KNIGHT
 

Superhero: Batman/Bruce Wayne

Films: Batman Begins (2005), The Dark Knight (2008), The Dark Knight Rises (2012) 

Directed By: Christopher Nolan

Stars: Christian Bale, Michael Caine, Gary Oldman, Morgan Freeman, Liam Neeson, Cillian Murphy, Tom Wilkinson, Heath Ledger, Aaron Eckhart, Anne Hathaway, Tom Hardy, Marion Cotillard, Katie Holmes, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Suggested Tagline: “I’m the goddamn BATMAN, motherfucker!”

“You tell ’em, unhinged sadistic psychopath Batman!”

FANTASTIC FOUR 

Oh boy, here we go…

Superheroes: Mr. Fantastic/Reed Richards, Invisible Woman/Susan Storm, The Thing/Ben Grimm, Human Torch/Johnny Storm

Films: Fantastic Four (2005), Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer  (2007)

Director: Tim Story

Stars: Ioan Gruffudd,  Jessica Alba, Chris Evans, Michael Chiklis, Julian McMahon, Doug Jones, Laurence Fishburne (Voice Only), Kerry Washington

Suggested Tagline: “Fine, YOU try designing the Thing realistically, assholes!”

GHOST RIDER 

One would think you couldn’t possibly fuck this movie up, but one would be wrong.

Superhero: Ghost Rider/Johnny Blaze

Films: Ghost Rider (2007), Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance (2012)

Director: Mark Steven Johnson, Neveldine/Taylor

Stars: Nicolas Cage, Peter Fonda, Wes Bentley, Johnny Whitworth, Ciaran Hinds, Eva Mendes, Violante Placido, Sam Elliott , Idris Elba

Suggested Tagline: “Yes, The Wicker Man did teach us nothing. So what?”

“Hell yes, this is the guy we want playing evil’s bane.”

HELLBOY

Superhero: Hellboy

Films: Hellboy (2004), Hellboy 2: The Golden Army (2008)

Director: Guillermo del Toro

Stars: Ron Perlman, Selma Blair, Doug Jones, John Hurt, Karel Roden, Jeffrey Tambor, Seth MacFarlane (Voice), Luke Goss, Anna Walton

Suggested Tagline: “What do you mean “Is Dark Horse still around?”‘

KICK-ASS 

Superheroes: Kick-Ass/Dave Lizewski, Hit Girl/Mindy MacReady, Big Daddy/Damon MacReady, Colonel Stars and Stripes

Films: Kick-Ass (2008), Kick-Ass 2 (2013)

Director: Matthew Vaughn, Jeff Wadlow

Stars: Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Chloe Grace Moretz, Nicolas Cage, Mark Strong, Jim Carrey

Suggested Tagline: “Ten year olds committing mass murder? Bring that shit on.”

Roman Polanski is shitting himself in fear right about now.

MAN OF STEEL

Superheroes: Superman/Clark Kent, Batman/Bruce Wayne

Films: Man of Steel (2013), Batman Vs. Superman (2015)

Director: Zack Snyder

Stars: Henry Cavill, Amy Adams, Michael Shannon, Diane Lane, Kevin Costner, Laurence Fishburne, Antje Traue, Ayelet Zurer, Christopher Meloni, Russell Crowe

Suggested Tagline: “Fine, we’ll add Batman. You fuckers interested yet?”

MARVEL CINEMATIC UNIVERSE 

Superheroes: Iron Man/Tony Stark, Hulk/Bruce Banner, Thor, Captain America/Steve Rogers, War Machine/James Rhodes, Black Widow/Natasha Romanoff, Hawkeye/Clint Barton, Ant-Man/Hank Pym, Nick Fury

Films: Iron Man (2008), The Incredible Hulk (2008), Iron Man 2 (2010), Thor (2011), Captain America: The First Avenger (2011), The Avengers (2012), Iron Man 3 (2013), Thor: The Dark World (2013), Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014), Guardians of the Galaxy (2014), The Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015), Ant-Man (2015)

Directors: Jon Favreau, Louis Leterrier, Kenneth Branagh, Joe Johnston, Joss Whedon, Shane Black, Alan Taylor, Joe and Anthony Russo, James Gunn, Edgar Wright

Stars: Robert Downey Jr., Chris Evans, Chris Hemsworth, Scarlett Johansson, Jeremy Renner, Edward Norton, Mark Ruffalo, Samuel L. Jackson, Terrence Howard, Don Cheadle, Chris Pratt, Zoe Saldana, Dave Bautista, Lee Pace, Djimon Hounsou, Tom Hiddleston, Jeff Bridges, Tim Roth, William Hurt, Mickey Rourke, Sam Rockwell, Hugo Weaving, Ben Kingsley, Guy Pierce, Rebecca Hall, Stephanie Szostak, James Bridge Dale, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, Frank Grillo, Georges St.Pierre, Benicio del Toro, Clark Gregg, Jon Favreau, Ty Burrell, Tim Blake Nelson, Anthony Hopkins, Stellan Skarsgard, Idris Elba, Ray Stevenson, Tadanobu Asano, Joshua Dallas, Jamie Alexander, Sebastian Stan, Tommy Lee Jones, Dominic Cooper, Neal McDonough, Stanley Tucci, Cobie Smulders, Zachary Levi, Rene Russo, Emily VanCamp, Anthony Mackie, John C. Reily, Robert Redford, Glenn Close, Gwyneth Paltrow, Liv Tyler, Natalie Portman, Hayley Atwell,

Suggested Tagline: “We just really, really hate people who work at movie theaters.”

“Fuck you and fuck your post-credits scenes! Some of us need to clean this shithole of a theater!”

SPIDER-MAN 

Superhero: Spider-Man/Peter Parker

Films: Spider-Man (2002), Spider-Man 2 (2004), Spider-Man 3 (2007)

Directed by: Sam Raimi

Stars: Tobey Maguire, Kirsten Dunst, James Franco, Rosemary Harris, Willem Dafoe, Alfred Molina, Thomas Haden Church, Topher Grace, Rosemary Harris, Cliff Robertson, J.K. Simmons, Bryce Dallas Howard

Suggested Tagline: “Fuck it, let’s throw ALL the villains into one movie. What could possibly go wrong?”

SUPERMAN

Films: Superman (1978), Superman 2 (1980), Superman 3 (1983), Superman 4: The Quest for Peace (1987), Superman Returns (2006)

Directed By: Richard Donner, Richard Lester, Sidney J. Furie

Stars: Christopher Reeve, Brandon Routh, Gene Hackman, Kevin Spacey, Margot Kidder, Terence Stamp, Marlon Brando

Suggested Tagline: “Just try not to stare too much at the codpiece while the theme music is playing.”

X-MEN

Superheroes: No way I’m listing all of these guys. After the MCU? No way.

Films: X-Men (2000), X2 (2003), X-Men: The Last Stand (2006), X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009), X-Men: First Class (2011), The Wolverine (2013), X-Men: Days of Future Past (2014)

Directed by: Bryan Singer, Brett Ratner (Booo!!!), Gavin Hood, Matthew Vaughn, James Mangold

Stars: Oh, fuck you.

Tune in soon for my rankings. Or to mock me for not being at Comic-Con. Either one.