8 Movie Props I need. Like, right now.

Oh, dog hat from Seven Psychopaths… One day, you will be mine!!!!

A week or so ago, the good folks down at invaluable contacted me about writing an article about my favourite movie props. Being overjoyed that somebody was aware of my existence, I accepted.

I don’t know if you could tell by the fact that a shot from the anime sequence from Kill Bill is my Twitter and Gravatar profile picture, but I’m kind of a giant nerd. One of the actions of nerd-dom that I fully embrace is collecting random shit that has to do with the pop culture that I love.

As the three hundred dollars that I’ve spent on amiibos will testify to.

As of right now, I have a fairly sizable collection of movies, music, Nintendo merchandise (See above) and comic books. What I would love, though, is to possess an actual prop from an actual movie (As opposed to from a fake movie, I guess???).

Though a prop from Argo would be really cool.

So, because content pays the bills (I wish) I’ve rattled off a list of movie props that I want. Like, desperately. If anyone possesses any of these props, e-mail me at pleasekillthemessenger@gmail.com so that we can arrange a hand-off. I’m down with paying for it too, as long as you don’t mind me tracking you back to your home, murdering you, and taking all your money after the transaction is complete.

It’s a wonder I’m single.

…Yeah… let’s do it!

The CPU (Terminator 2: Judgment Day)

Played in Terminator Genisys by Matt Smith. I know, it’s a stupid, stupid movie.

When most people picture the one device that could cause human extinction, chances are you picture something like a massive nuclear bomb, or maybe something magical like the One Ring or the Infinity Gauntlet (Two more props I want, by the way). In the Terminator franchise (By which I mean, the two movies worth mentioning), the tiny CPU that contains the consciousness of SkyNet, the all-knowing A.I. that will eventually wipe out almost all of humankind.

Nah, too easy.

Don’t let the fact that it looks kind of like a Kit-Kat knock-off fool you. Leaving this device in the hands of somebody with even the of best intentions (Hello, Miles Dyson!!!) could result in everybody you know, don’t know, love or hate dying via nuclear fire.

And I want to use it as a USB stick! So, you know, sleep easy Planet Earth.

A tooth from the animatronic T-Rex from Jurassic Park

“Hullllllooooooooo!!!!!!”

Dinosaurs are amazing. That is not an opinion. It is objective fact.

The Tyrannosaurus Rex from Jurassic Park is also unquestionably incredible. not only in terms of the inherent awesomeness of T-Rexes, but also because it’s a seamless combination of animatronic and CG special effects. Obviously, I’m not fitting the whole animatronic in my house without a Batcave (Although, if anybody has a spare Batcave lying around…), but it would be almost as awesome to have even one of the teeth on my shelf.

That or a Velociraptor claw I actually just want something to threaten children with.

Sam Neill has truly been an inspiration for me.

Star-Lord’s helmet

The jacket or gun would work as well. or a life-size statue of Chris Pratt.

Fun fact, this is more or less what Peter Quill’s alter-ego looks like in the Guardians of the Galaxy comics.

Some costumes just don’t translate all that well.

Anyways, a badass helmet that doesn’t give you hat hair? I’m so in.

Hit-Girl’s detachable sword

Tune in for the sequel to watch her be a cheerleader!!!…Or some shit.

I don’t talk enough about Kick-Ass, which is a shame, because it’s one of my favourite movies of all time. My favourite character from this mildly unappreciated superhero dark comedy is Mindy MacReady, the preteen mass murderer known as Hit-Girl.

In her first scene as her masked alter ego, she effortlessly wastes a room of scumbags with a weapon that looks like a detachable, dual-edged naginata. Watch it yourself, It’s fucking awesome.

The drumsticks from Whiplash

This would make a great poster or publicity photo, I think.

Why do I want Miles Teller’s DNA, you ask? Don’t worry your pretty little head about it.

Hattori Hanzo Katana

Hey guys! Check out my giant moustache!!!

Ask any nerd what the coolest reality-based sword is, and odds are, he or she’ll probably say “the katana”, with little to no hesitation, and nobody has exploited the use of the samurai sword better than Quentin Tarantino.

Besides, like, actual Japanese people, I mean.

The Bride is an awesome hero, and she deserves an awesome weapon, so it’s only fitting that she receive a special weapon from the brilliant Japanese, uh, swordmaster (?) Hattori Hanzo that, by the end of the movie, claims the life of O-Ren Ishii and a metric shit-ton of Yakuza members in one of the greatest fight scenes of all time.

The scorpion jacket from Drive

Look at it. It’s…glorious…..

Also, it looks really cool with blood splattered all over it, so that’s definitely a plus.

The suitcase from Pulp Fiction

Fun fact: Pointing a gun at Samuel L. Jackson is the leading cause of death in the continental United States.

What was in the suitcase? Money? Diamonds? Drugs? Marcellus Wallace’s soul? In many ways, I hope I never find out, but regardless, this would be an awesome to possess such an enigmatic piece of film history.

Second only to John Travolta’s hairstyle.

My (Revised) Top 20 Movies of 2014

Three of these didn’t blow.

I know I originally did this list way back in late December, but it would be kind of stupid of me to have watched all those movies I watched for Oscar season and having had my opinion evolve without re-doing the list. So, uh, here you go.

20. Big Hero 6

Dear god, do I want a Baymax plushie. Have I mentioned that yet? I don’t care, I still want one.

Genres: Animated, superhero, comedy

Directed by: Don Hall (Winnie the Pooh) and Chris Williams (Bolt)

Voices of: Ryan Potter, Scott Adsit, T.J. Miller, Jamie Chung, Damon Wayans, Jr., Genesis Rodriguez, Maya Rudolph, James Cromwell, Daniel Henney

I’m personally still pissed that it won Best Animated Feature, but I’m also not going to deny that Big Hero 6 is an incredibly likable movie, if not the most original or unpredictable. To be absolutely truthful, this movie probably wouldn’t rate as highly in my mind if it wasn’t for Baymax, but the other characters hold their own in terms of likability, especially Hiro and his brother, though the side characters get their share of laughs as well.

They really should’ve picked one way to pronounce “Hiro” and stuck with it, though. That’s pretty goddamn annoying.

19. The Lego Movie

Genres: Animated, comedy, adventure

Directed by: Phil Lord and Christopher Miller (Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, 21 Jump Street, 22 Jump Street)

Voices of: Chris Pratt, Will Ferrell, Elizabeth Banks, Will Arnett, Nick Offerman, Alison Brie, Charlie Day, Liam Neeson, Morgan Freeman

I didn’t love The Lego Movie nearly as much as some people did, but, again, I still thought it was a great movie. I thought the buildup was kind of weaker than I expected, but the rest of the film is pretty terrific fun. It’s definitely the best piece of incredibly conspicuous product placement ever made, if nothing else.

Ant it’s not even close, realy.

18. 22 Jump Street

Genres: Comedy, action

Directed by: Phil Lord and Christopher Miller (See above)

Starring: Jonah Hill, Channing Tatum, Peter Stormare, Wyatt Russell, Amber Stevens, Jillian Bell, Ice Cube

The second straight Phil Lord/Christopher Miller project on my list had, like The Lego Movie, kind of a weak buildup that kind of disappointed me. Thankfully, when it does pick it up, it grabs hold of the intensity knob (Heh) and turns that shit up to 11 (Out of a possible five).

“I am the unicorn wizard!!!…”

It’s not quite as good as the first movie, but as long as Jonah Hill, Channing Tatum and Ice Cube keep delivering, I genuinely wouldn’t mind seeing some of the joke sequels that were teased during the credits.

17. Edge of Tomorrow

Genres: Science fiction, action

Directed by: Doug Liman (Swingers, Go, The Bourne Identity, Fair Game)

Starring: Tom Cruise, Emily Blunt, Bill Paxton, Brendan Gleeson

Admit it, you took one look at the trailer for Edge of Tomorrow (Or All You Need is Kill. Or Live. Die. Repeat.) and rolled your eyes. “Oh great, another Tom Cruise sci-fi movie. Why can’t this Scientologist prick just fuck off into irrelevancy and take his smug-ass demeanor (As well as his tremendous talent for making action movies) with him?” Then you learnt about the plot. “Oh, fucking brilliant. Oblivion meets Groundhog Day??? Jesus Christ, are there no more original ideas in Hollywood?”

Yes. Yes there are.

And then, you actually watched Edge of Tomorrow. That made you feel pretty stupid, didn’t it?

16. The Theory of Everything

Genre: Biographical romantic drama

Directed by: James Marsh (Man on Wire, Project Nim)

Starring: Eddie Redmayne, Felicity Jones, Charlie Cox, Simon McBurney, David Thewlis, Maxine Peake

This movie has gotten a lot of recent criticism for essentially being just another paint-by-numbers Oscar movie, but even so, I really like it. I definitely understand the complaint that it’s a merely okay movie with good performances, but when those performances are as good as the ones you get from Eddie Redmayne and Felicity Jones, I frankly don’t see that much reason to hate it all that much. I can understand being adverse to it, but I enjoy it, personally.

15. Selma

Genre: Historical drama

Directed by: Ava DuVernay

Starring: David Oyelowo, Tom Wilkinson, Carmen Ejogo, Andre Holland, Tessa Thompson, Giovanni Ribisi, Lorraine Touissant, Stephen James, Wendell Pierce, Common, Cuba Gooding Jr., Tim Roth, Oprah Winfrey

It’s bullshit that Ava DuVernay didn’t get nominated. And that’s all I have to say about that.

14. The Imitation Game

Genre: Historical thriller

Directed by: Morten Tyldum (Headhunters)

Starring: Benedict Cumberbatch, Keira Knightley, Matthew Goode, Rory Kinnear, Charles Dance, Mark Strong

Much like (Although maybe not quite as much as) The Theory of Everything for being another “Oscar-bait” movie, and while I do generally have a problem with that term, I can see what people get at when they criticize it. That said, even more than The Theory of Everything, I love this movie, mostly for Benedict Cumberbatch’s performance.

13. John Wick

Genre: Action thriller

Directed by: Chad Stahelski, David Leitch

Starring: Keanu Reeves, Michael Nyqvist, Alfie Allen, Adrianne Palicki, Bridget Moynahan, Dean Winters, Ian McShane, John Leguizamo, Willem DeFoe

Oh, just read the entry for Edge of Tomorrow again.

12. Top Five

Genre: Comedy

Directed by: Chris Rock

Starring: Chris Rock, Rosario Dawson, Gabrielle Union, J.B. Smoove, Cedric the Entertainer, Tracy Morgan

Cedric the Entertainer is fucking disgusting. This movie has convinced me of that.

Also, DMX has the voice of an angel.

11. Guardians of the Galaxy

Genre: Superhero

Directed by: James Gunn (Slither)

Starring: Chris Pratt, Zoe Saldana, Dave Bautista, Bradley Cooper, Vin Diesel, Lee Pace, Michael Rooker, Karen Gillan, Djimon Hounsou, John C. Reilly, Glenn Close, Benicio del Toro

I saw this movie four times in theatres, and it got a little better each time for me. I’m sure most of you are sick to death of it by now, so I’ll just say that if you haven’t seen it yet, do so immediately.

10. The Tale of the Princess Kaguya

Genres: Anime, drama, fantasy

Directed by: Isao Takahata (Grave of the Fireflies, Pom Poko, My Neighbors the Yamadas)

Voices of: Asi Asakura, Kengo Kora, Takeo Chii, Nobuko Miyamoto, Atsuko Takahata

English dub: Chloe Grace Moretz, Darren Criss, James Caan, Mary Steenbergen, Lucy Liu

I haven’t talked very much about Studio Ghibli, as I’m just now starting to get into Japan’s answer to Disney, but The Tale of the Princess Kaguya sold me on them. As cliched a noun as “beautiful” is in describing movies, it’s a perfect word to describe this dreamlike movie. The art style in this movie is brilliantly executed, and the last fifteen to twenty minutes or so are composed of some of the best animated sequences I’ve ever seen. Also, the soundtrack in this movie is terrific. It figures that I’d get into Studio Ghibli right when they decided to go on a hiatus.

9. How to Train Your Dragon 2

Genres: Animated, fantasy

Directed by: Dean DeBlois (Lilo & Stitch, How to Train Your Dragon)

Voices of: Jay Baruchel, Cate Blanchett, Gerard Butler, Craig Ferguson, America Ferrara, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Jonah Hill, T.J. Miller, Kristen Wiig, Djimon Hounsou, Kit Harington

As much as I loved Princess Kaguya, it just couldn’t beat out my highly developed Western ethnocentrism.

8. Nightcrawler

Genre: Crime thriller

Directed by: Dan Gilroy

Starring: Jake Gyllenhal, Rene Russo, Riz Ahmed, Bill Paxton

It’s bullshit that Jake Gyllenhaal didn’t get nominated. That’s all I have to say about that (Again).

7. Captain America: The Winter Soldier

Genre; Superhero

Directed by: Anthony and Joe Russo (Community)

Starring: Chris Evans, Scarlett Johansson, Sebastian Stan, Anthony Mackie, Cobie Smulders, Frank Grillo, Emily VanCamp, Robert Redford, Samuel L. Jackson

Terrific movie, but did we ever ind out what happened to Red Skull in the first movie? That kinda seems like something you wouldn’t wanna gloss over.

6. The Grand Budapest Hotel

Genre: Comedy

Directed by: Wes Anderson (Bottle Rocket, Rushmore, The Royal Tenenbaums, Fantastic Mr. Fox, Moonrise Kingdom)

Starring: Ralph Fiennes, Tony Revolori, Adrien Brody, Willem Dafoe, Jeff Goldblum, Saoirse Ronan, Edward Norton, Jude Law, Harvey Keitel, F. Murray Abraham, Mathieu Amalric

The Grand Budapest Hotel is actually the only Wes Anderson movie I’ve ever seen, but it’s tough to think that any of his movies could possibly be better than The Grand Budapest Hotel. Just give me dark, whimsical, occasionally crude humour in formal, colourful environments and I’ll be putty in your hand, I guess.

5. Gone Girl

Genre: Psychological thriller

Directed by: David Fincher (Seven, The Game, Fight Club, Zodiac, The Social Network, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo)

Starring: Ben Affleck, Rosamund Pike, Carrie Coon, Tyler Perry, Neil Patrick Harris

Blood…. So much blood… Poor Ben…

4. Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

Genre: Science fiction

Directed by: Matt Reeves (Let Me In)

Starring: Andy Serkis, Toby Kebbell, Jason Clarke, Gary Oldman, Keri Russell, Kodi Smit-McPhee

It’s bullshit that Andy Serkis and Toby Kebbell… Ah, fuck it.

3. X-Men: Days of Future Past

Genre: Superhero

Directed by: Bryan Singer (The Usual Suspects, X-Men, X2)

Starring: Hugh Jackman, James McAvoy, Michael Fassbender, Jennifer Lawrence, Nicolas Hoult, Evan Peters, Ellen Page, Peter Dinkage, Shawn Ashmore

With all the love that Marvel movies keep getting, it’s easy to forget that Fox has been churning out quality X-Men movies (Brett Ratner and shitty Deadpool aside). Days of Future Past (Based on the popular story arc fro mthe comics) continues on in that tradition, combining the older actors from the original trilogy with the newer actors from X-Men: First Class. Hopefully, X-Men: Apocalypse is just as good. Also, while we’re hopin  things, I hope the sexual assault allegations against Bryan Singer turn out to be false.

One of those definitely seems more likely than the other. But hey, Channing Tatum’s gonna be Gambit and Nightcrawler is coming back, so it all works out in the end.

2. Whiplash

Genre: Drama

Directed by: Damien Chazelle

Starring: Miles Teller, J.K. Simmons, Paul Reiser, Melissa Benoist

Until I saw Whiplash, I thought for the longest time that there wasn’t any real competition for my favourite movie of the year. It didn’t quite get there, but hey, 2nd place ain’t bad. J.K. Simmons especially did a really good job-“

“Excuse me? You dropped my movie to second place for some fucking Hollywood circle jerk art house piece of shit?”

Oh, uh, Doctor Fletcher, I-

“Did I say you could speak, bitch?”

(Whimpers)

“If you deliberately sabotage my movie, I will gut you like a pig!”

I’m no sabotaging it, I, really loved it, I-I-

“Oh my dear god, are you actually crying? Are you one of those single-tear people?”

N–n-no!!

“You are a worthless pansy-ass who is now weeping and slobbering all over your keyboard like a nine year old girl! “

(Starts straight-up bawling)

“… Whiplash is your favourite movie. Say it.”

Whiplash is my favorite movie.

“Say it so the entire internet can hear you. “

Whiplash is my favourite movie! 

“LOUDER!!!”

WHIPLASH IS MY FAVOURITE MOVIE!!!!

” You are a worthless, friendless, faggot-lipped little piece of shit who is under the delusion that he has any writing talent to share with anybody, and who is now weeping and slobbering all over his computer like a fucking nine-year old girl! So for the final, FATHER-FUCKING time, SAY IT LOUDER! “

WHIPLASH IS MY FAVOURITE MOVIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

…Start practicing harder, Rollins.

(Resumes sobbing)

1. Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)

Genres: Surreal comedy, black comedy

Directed by: Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu (Amores Perros, 21 Grams, Babel)

Starring: Michael Keaton, Edward Norton, Emma Stone, Zach Galifianakis, Naomi Watts, Andrea Riseborough, Amy Ryan

No, I’m not bandwagoning. I loved Birdman even before it won Best Picture. If you really want me to go into it, read my review, or my Oscar predictions, for that matter. It’s my favourite movie of this year, possibly one of my favourite movies of all time, and that’s really all you can ask out of a year in movies.

Especially when there’ no hilarious Nicolas Cage performance to rewatch. God, that movie blows/

My 2014 Oscar Predictions

Many tiny, tiny men were forced to give up their lives after being randomly selected for being made to stand in an uncomfortable upright position and having liquid gold poured on them. Their sacrifice will not go forgotten.

Ah, the Oscars! The award show where the old, rich, out-of-touch white men of Hollywood engage in the biggest circle jerk of the year and hand out golden, vaguely phallic trophies in order to congratulate each other for making pretentious, artsy films that the average moviegoer didn’t even think about before the eve of the ceremony!

God, do I love the Oscars. It’s right up there with my birthday, Christmas, Blue Jays Opening Day, Game 7 of the World Series and Edmonton Comic Expo Weekend in my rankings of my favourite days of the year. For somebody who loves movies as much as I do, it’s so great to see these movies that I’ve grown so attached to in the last few months that I’ve been scrambling to watch them. It’s nice to see them all gathered together where all of them can be celebrated for the joy they’ve brought to people.

And by “all of them”, I, of course mean “Boyhood“.

So, without further ado, let’s get my official predictions out of the way!!!

(Keep in mind that I haven’t seen 100% of the movies. Merely a lot of them. Don’t blame me, blame school.”

That, and the fact that I’m not allowed out of my house anymore after the unfortunate incident at a nearby Dairy Queen.

Visual Effects

“Hey, hey, we’re the Monkees! And people say we monkey around…”

Winner: Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

If I were in charge: Interstellar

Interstellar didn’t impress me as much as it did others in terms of story or plot coherence, but I can’t deny the visual majesty that Nolan’s space epic had. That said, when Dawn wins, I will not complain at all, because Apes On Horses.

Film Editing

TWELVE YEARS!!!! THIS TOOK TWELVE YEARS!!!! ITSOAMAAAAAAAAZZIIIINGGG!!!!!!!”

Will win: Boyhood

If I was in charge: Boyhood

Yeah, as burnt out as I am on hearing people call Boyhood the Citizen Kane of our era or some bullshit, I can’t deny the wonderful editing job done in the film.

Costume Design

Dear lord.

Will win: The Grand Budapest Hotel

If I was in charge: The Grand Budapest Hotel

Makeup and Hairstyling

And this is what happens when you party with Benecio del Toro.

Will win: Guardians of the Galaxy

If I was in charge: Guardians of the Galaxy

Cinematography

Gravity‘s got nothing on this.

Will win: Birdman

If I was in charge: Birdman

Emmanuel Lubezki. That is all.

Production Design

The symmetry alone, Jesus Christ.

Will win: The Grand Budapest Hotel

If I was in charge: The Grand Budapest Hotel

Best Sound Mixing

“Theeeeenn, he swore profusely at me, Pa rum pa pum pum….“

Will win: Whiplash

If I was in charge: Whiplash

Man, I’m not exactly being much of a contrarian, am I?

Sound Editing

Oh, there we go.

Will win: American Sniper

If I was in charge: Birdman

Original Song

Will win: “Glory” (Selma)

If I was in charge: “Glory”

Original Score

Just for the record, I would have given the prize to either John Powell or Joe Hisaishi for How to Train Your Dragon 2 and The Tale of the Princess Kaguya, respectively.

Will win: Jóhann Jóhannsson, The Theory of Everything

If I was in charge: Alexandre Desplat, The Imitation Game

Animated Short Film, Live Action Short Film, Documentary- Short Subject, Documentary- Feature

I didn’t watch any of these. Why? I’m really, really lazy, in case you guys haven’t noticed.

Foreign Language Film

Are her eyes following anybody else? Just me? Okay then…

Will win: Ida

If I was in charge: Leviathan

Animated Feature Film

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Will win: How to Train Your Dragon 2

If I was in charge: How to Train Your Dragon 2

While I still think that Dragon is the best animated movie of the year (Yes, even better than The LEGO Movie), I highly suggest any fan of animation to check out The Tale of the Princess Kaguya. You’ll thank me later, trust me.

Adapted Screenplay

Will win: The Imitation Game

If I was in charge: The Imitation Game

Original Screenplay

Will win: The Grand Budapest Hotel

Should win: Birdman

Supporting Actress

Yeesh, now that kids’ eyes are following me.

Will win: Patricia Arquette, Boyhood

If I was in charge: Patricia Arquette

Again, I’m not a huge Boyhood fan. That said, I think I would’ve liked it more if it focused more on Patricia Arquette and Ethan Hawke.

Supporting Actor

Will win: J.K. Simmons, Whiplash

If I was in charge: J.K. Simmons, Whiplash

Actress

“What the fuck am I watching?!?!”                    -Julianne Moore, seen here puzzling over Inherent Vice.

Will win: Julianne Moore, Still Alice

If I was in charge: Rosamund Pike, Gone Girl

Admittedly, I haven’t seen Still Alice yet, but with all do respect to Julianne Moore, I don’t see how her performance could be better than Rosamund Pike in the movie that is the biggest Best Picture snub of the year.

Actor

Yeah, no way I’m joking about this photo. I’m not a total asshole.

Will win: Eddie Redmayne, The Theory of Everything

If I was in charge: Eddie Redmayne, The Theory of Everything

The sentimental part of my brain wants Michael Keaton to win, as Redmayne’s still young, and we don’t know if Keaton will ever be nominated again, but I know in my heart of hearts that Redmayne was probably better.

Director

Meh.

Will win: Richard Linklater, Boyhood

If I was in charge: Alejandro G. Inarritu, Birdman

I LIKED BOYHOOD, ALRIGHT!?!? I JUST THINK IT’S KIND OF OVERRATED!!! AM I REALLY SO WRONG IN THINKING THAT?!?!

Picture

You know you want it.

Will win: Birdman

If I was in charge: Birdman

My gut actually says that Boyhood is gonna take it, but winning all the Guild Awards is pretty promising, so maybe Birdman has a realistic shot at winning the big prize?

American Sniper is going to sweep the awards now, just because I said that.

Whiplash (Movie Review)

“I WANT SPIDER-MAN!!!”

So, after this, I’ve decided that any complaint I may have had about any of my teachers ever was mostly likely frivolous bullcrap.

Seriously, this was rough to watch.

 Whiplash

Directed by: Damien Chazelle

Produced by: Jason Blum, Helen Estabrook, Michel Litvak, David Lancaster

Written by: Damien Chazelle

Genre: Drama

Starring: Miles Teller, J.K. Simmons, Paul Reiser, Melissa Benoist, Austin Stowell

Music by: Justin Hurwitz

Plot: Nineteen-year-old Andrew Neiman has a pretty sweet life. A very talented jazz drummer attending the prestigious Shaffer Conservatory music school, Andrew is currently serving as an alternate (See: backup, essentially), being a first year student, and all. This all changes, however, when Andrew is recruited to the Conservatory’s studio band by acclaimed conductor Terence Fletcher (J.K. Simmons). A promotion! Fantastic! All’s good in Neiman-land, right?

Oh boy is it ever not.

While few would hesitate to call Fletcher a dedicated teacher, he is also, in scientific terms, a complete and total asshole. I’ve had teachers swear in class before, but nothing compares to Fletcher’s antics. He screams profanities at his students, berates them viciously for what are really minor mistakes, and even physically abuses them in order to get the best results out of them.

By the way, the way you’re imagining a scene like that playing out in your head? Complete bullshit. I assure you, it’s at least fifty times worse than that. J.K. Simmons as this Fletcher dude is absolutely terrifying. Every single time he appears in a scene, he is accompanied by this super-palpable aura of dread. You can absolutely feel and understand the terror the students feel whenever he appears. And yeah, obviously, this mostly has to do with J.K. Simmon’s masterful performance, but I feel that a lot of it can be credited to Damien Chazelle’s direction, and how he made sure to capture the terrified expressions of the students, and not just the eerily unforgettable presence of a bald Simmons in a tight black shirt, with every vein in his head bulging out to the point that you would worry about him getting a coronary if he wasn’t such a total dick.

By the way, this is unrelated, but this photo sums up the movie nicely.

Also, for the record, this movie has some great music. I know, shocking that a great movie about jazz music would have some great music, but there you have it. Also, kudos to the sound people on this movie for making this music sound so good in the first place.

More credit needs to be heaped upon second-time director Damien Chazelle for his role in this movie, not just as a director, which is a job he clearly excels at (The one action scene in this movie actually got me to exclaim out loud in shock, something I actively try to avoid in non-comedies. Also, that last scene. Holy crap, you guys!!!), but also as a screenwriter. This dude can write characters and dialogue like nobody’s business. The bizarre decision by the Academy to classify Whiplash as an adapted screenplay for reasons I couldn’t care less about could wind up benefiting it, as it no longer has to go up against Birdman (Still my favourite movie of 2014) but instead has to contend with The Theory of Everything and The Imitation Game, which are not bad movies by any stretch of the imagination, don’t get me wrong, but they’re definitely easier competition. I dunno, if I was Chazelle, I would be feeling pretty okay about my chances.

Just because I said that, watch fucking American Sniper win it.

If y’all will allow me though, I’d like to double back to the character of Terence  Fletcher, if only because I will keep sucking up to J.K. Simmons until I completely devolve into a blubbering fool. See, while it’s super easy to get sucked into the pure dicketry of the character, the movie does a good job of portraying him as both a ravenous beast of a man, and as, you know, an actual human being who genuinely believes that he is doing the right thing for these kids by psychologically damaging and abusing them in the hopes that he can push them to their full potential, even if it means crossing several lines that even the biggest hardass of a music teacher wouldn’t dare approach, even. Look, I’m not saying I agree with the guy when he does eventually rationalize his actions, I’m just saying you can’t completely disregard his practices as the demented practices of a raving madman. There is supposedly a method to the madness, and if you can momentarily cast a blind eye to the obvious, plentiful drawbacks that this kind of thinking leads to, you can kinda see a method to the madness.

I mean, if you actually emulate him, you’re still a goddamn sociopath. I think that should be clear enough.

With all the much-deserved praise being heaped upon J.K. Simmons, one tends to forget that he is not, in fact, the lead actor of this movie. That would be Miles Teller, an actor who, I must admit, I wasn’t exactly the biggest fan of before seeing this movie. Project X is a terrible movie, 21 & Over isn’t much better, That Awkward Moment doesn’t look good at all and I still haven’t seen The Spectacular Now. So, when people started praising this movie and, by association, him, I was somewhat skeptical, and who could blame me? He was in Project Fucking X. 

So imagine my surprise when he turned out to be one of the best parts of the movie. Miles Teller absolutely kills it in a performance that, much like his co-star’s performance,  needs to be seen firsthand in order to properly do it justice. I, personally, would have expected a lot more Oscar consideration for him, if not a nomination. I also heard that he did all his own drum parts. No idea if that’s true, but if so, that’s pretty damn amazing.

Big fucking deal. I played a mediocre flute in junior high. Beat that, Teller!

Overall: This movie excels in just about every possible way, and is an absolute blast to watch, easily one of the five best movies of 2014.

Rating: 10/10

“You are a worthless, friendless, faggot-lipped little piece of shit whose mommy left daddy when she figured out he wasn’t Eugene O’Neill and who’s now weeping and slobbering all over my drum set like a fucking nine-year-old girl! Now, for the final FATHER FUCKING time… SAY IT LOUDER!”

 You’re welcome for that mental image.