Alternative title: “Fifty Shades of Purple.”
It’s been fairly hard to muster up the energy or desire to write in the past week or so, what with the world still reeling from the Paris attacks (*Cough* While ignoring bombing in Beirut *Cough*) and Western racism rearing its ugly head once again. It seems like every visit to the internet ends in depression and the need for a stiff drink. And that’s just before witnessing the nightmare that is every comment section right now.
Judging by this image, you think this is going to be a light, fun edition of WTF, don’t you? Oh, you sad, naive fools…
On November 20, Netflix and Marvel will release their second television show together after the first season of Daredevil, which everybody loved, and if you think you didn’t love it, stop lying to yourself. This new show will focus on America’s sweetheart, the international icon known as Jessica Jones.
Cheerful, isn’t it? You know… If abject human misery cheers you up.
Since Jessica Jones definitely qualifies as one of the more obscure characters in the Marvel Comics library, and her amazing-looking show comes out in exactly one week, I figured this was as good a time as any to put off doing part two of that DeathMatch that I started whenever the fuck ago and continue my “WTF!?!?” series. Both first parts of the entries I did for Deadpool and the Suicide Squad can be found here and here, respectively.
I’m not one to delay (*Cough*), so let’s get started.
Patsy Walker/Hellcat
First appearances: Miss America Magazine #2 (Nov. 1944, as Patsy Walker) The Avengers #144 (Feb. 1976, as Hellcat)
Created by: Ruth Atkinson (Patsy Walker) David Michelinie & Mike Harris (Hellcat)
Portrayed by: Rachael Taylor (headLand, Transformers, Red Dog)
Other portrayals: N/A
One of the few remaining original Marvel characters from the 40’s that Marvel (Then known as “Timely Comics”) hasn’t put out of their misery, Patsy Walker started out as some Betty/Veronica-esque character in one of those comics aimed at teenage girls that is almost certainly horribly sexist in retrospect.
Like Betty and Veronica, but sociopathic lunatics.
Later, Patsy appeared in Fantastic Four cementing her as a canonical character in the Marvel Universe. It was later revealed that Patsy was a child model and actress whose mother drew those Betty & Veronica-esque comics, whose characters were based on Patsy and her friends. Not necessarily the biggest fan of having her childhood exploited for the sake of a few catty giggles from teenyboppers, Patsy preferred to devote her time to admiring superheroes, even having a crush on Reed Richards for a while.
I’m sorry- “Charming lady’s man Reed Richards!!!”
After graduating from high school, Patsy married her fictional/non-fictional boyfriend, Robert Baxter, and embarked on a glamorous career as a homemaker. This may be the least progressive “WTF?!?!” entry ever. On cue, here are more pictures of Reed Richards being a misogynist!
Proof that as bad as the Fantastic Four movie was, it could’ve been SO much worse…
Eventually drifting away from her husband, Patsy left his sorry ass and miraculously linked up with the Avengers. Tagging along with the team while they investigated criminal links at the corporation that her ex-husband worked security for, Patsy, a natural athlete, apparently, adopted a costume formerly worn by Tigra before she let her new uniform be designed by a hormonal 16-year old. After the mission proceeded successfully, Patsy joined the Avengers as Hellcat. One wild career on and off the Avengers later (Which included her getting manipulated by Damion Hellstrom, the son of Satan, into committing suicide, and subsequently coming back to life), she is currently working as a private investigator for Jennifer Walters (She-Hulk) and has a new solo series coming out in December. As far as I know, she’s not going to become Hellcat in the Jessica Jones TV show, being a former child actress and childhood friend of Jessica’s, and if recent trailers are any indication, she won’t become Hellcat until at least the second season.
Honestly, I’m just wondering how they’re justifying using the name “Patsy” in a modern context.
Luke Cage
First appearance: Luke Cage, Hero for Hire #1 (June 1972)
Created by: Archie Goodwin & John Romita Sr.
Portrayed by: Mike Colter (Million Dollar Baby, Halo)
Other portrayals: Lil’ JJ (The Super Hero Squad) Ogie Banks (Ultimate Spider-Man, Disney Infinity: Marvel Super Heroes), Christopher B. Duncan (The Avengers: Earth’s Mightiest Heroes), Ryokan Koyanagi (Marvel Disk Wars: The Avengers), Greg Eagles (Marvel: Ultimate Alliance), Robert Wisdom (Spider-Man: Web of Shadows) Khary Payton (Marvel: Ultimate Alliance 2), James C. Mathis III (Marvel Heroes), John Eric Bentley (Lego Marvel Super Heroes)
A young gangbanger from Harlem, Carl Lucas realized that his lifestyle was affecting his family in a negative way, and decided to get his life back on track, seeking legitimate employment and going straight, though he still maintained contact with his buddy, Willis Stryker , who was rising rapidly through the ranks of their gang, the Rivals.
In his defense, with a name like “Willis Stryker”, his only options were “criminal” or “80’s Action Hero.”
When Stryker’s girlfriend. Reva Connors, broke up with him because of his career choices, she sought consolation from Lucas. Convinced that Lucas had conspired to steal her away from him, Stryker decided to frame him, planting heroin on him and calling the cops. Understandably pissed about this development, Lucas contacted the Maggia (Because”Mafia” was trademarked, apparently) and put a hit out on Stryker, but the hit was botched, and Reva was killed while Stryker survived.
In prison, Cage was drafted into a Super Soldier cell-regeneration experiment, because apparently that’s standard procedure in the prisons of the Marvel Universe (Come to think of it, that explains a lot of things,). The experiment was sabotaged by a racist guard who held a grudge against him, and Lucas ended up with superhuman strength and unbreakable skin. Breaking out of prison, Lucas changed his name to “Luke Cage”, adopted the horrendous (Yet not exactly incorrect, per se) moniker of “Power Man” and became, as the title of his debut comic would suggest, a “Hero for Hire”, which is exactly what it sounds like.
Ha ha. No, seriously, what’s his costume?
While Cage started off as a profiteer, he eventually became a legitimate ally of superheroes like Daredevil and Spider-Man, and even had short stints on the Defenders and the Fantastic Four. Along with his good friend Danny Rand, the Iron Fist, cage formed the wildly successful “Heroes for Hire” organisation, but when that eventually fell through, Cage joined the the Anti-Registration Avengers (More on that when Civil War comes out), fighting Norman Osborn during Dark Reign and leading a team of Avengers (As well as the Thunderbolts) for a period called the “Heroic Age”. Cage has risen from a character that was little more than a cynical cash grab directed at the blaxploitation audience has ascended to… at least C-list status in the Marvel Universe. Although he’s getting the bump from the Cinematic Universe, so that’ll help him out.
Case in point.
To be concluded in Part 2
“Once there was only dark. You ask me, the light’s winning.”
– Rust Cohle, True Detective
His positive outlook changed dramatically once he learnt that he was being replaced by Vince Vaughn.
MERCY!?!?!?!?!
My life since five o’clock Monday has been an endless string of heartbreak and disappointment. After I got home, I turned on the Blue Jays game, hoping to see them continue a eleven-game win streak.
They blew it in the eleventh inning.
Then, I watched Team Canada play the Netherlands in the Women’s World Cup.
The Dutch scored in the last ten minutes to tie it.
I watched Nintendo’s E3 Digital Event, where they announced a new Metroid Prime game!!!
Except it looks like a generic space shooter piece of shit that doesn’t even have Samus Aran.
And then, I got to watching this latest Game of Thrones episode.
After it ended, I promptly turned off the TV, quietly returned to my room, stared at my House Stark shirt for a while, and blew my brains out.
SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT
Winterfell
Stannis Baratheon’s sacrifice of his daughter has had a mixed effect on the war effort. On one hand, the weather has improved noticeably, meaning that Stannis will have no trouble marching on Winterfell. On the other hand, half of his army and the entire cavalry have deserted, because, as it turns out, burning your daughter at the stake to appease a demon-god isn’t exactly all that encouraging to an army fighting for your right to the throne of a country. .
“Yeah, these seems like the actions of the guy we want as the king of seven kingdoms.”- Insane people.
Also, his creepy wife has hanged herself, And Melisandre has fled, because she’s just a coward, when it comes down to it. Despite all these monumental setbacks, Stannis decides to march on Winterfell, because if I was gradually realizing what a stupid, horrible, irredeemable human being I was, I would probably have a death wish too. It goes about as well as one would expect.
Meanwhile, in Winterfell, Sansa escapes her room while Ramsey is off at the battle. She lights the signal for help from Brienne and Podrick (Who juuuuuuuuuust miss her, of course), but is caught by Reek and Myranda, the latter of whom threatens to mutilate her until Reek, hopefully beginning the long road to redemption, shoves her off the ramparts so we can see her crazy psycho head crack open on the cold ground below. When they notice that the Bolton army is returning to Winterfell, Sansa and Theon…. Jump off the castle walls…?
Sure, that seems survivable……Maybe?
Anyway, Stannis is wandering half-dead in the forest, still somehow murdering the shit out of Bolton until he collapses against a tree. Then Brienne appears and…Yeah. Another one bites the dust.
Somebody should get on a “Another One Bites the Dust”/Game of Thrones crossover video, by the way.
I guess there is the small possibility that he is alive, just because they never actually showed him getting offed, and they’ve never been big on cliffhangers, but… I wouldn’t bet on it.
Shit, for all we know, Sansa and Theon are dead or crippled at the bottom of the castle walls.
..Maybe the next segment won’t be so depressing?
King’s Landing
Ugh…
Cersei confesses her sins to the High Sparrow, admitting to having sex with Lancel, her cousin, but not with Jaime. The Sparrow says that she still has to stand trial for the crimes she denied, but that he will grant her the Mother’s Mercy and allow her to go back to the Red Keep…. On foot, escorted by the Faith Militant, with her hair chopped off and naked, with the unwashed masses screaming abuse at her.
I’m at the point with Cersei that I think I’ve gotten all the joy I can from Cersei’s misery. I legitimately felt bad for her this time around, if only because I hope that this is the next step towards her redemption, but knowing Cersei, she’s probably gonna start drowning puppies and staking the hearts of orphans the minute she stops crying. Or, at the latest, when she learns what went down in Dorne.
Oh, also, The Mountain is apparently Frankenstein. Joy.
Spain Dorne
After a goodbye kiss with Ellaria Sand (I love Dorne), Myrcella and Jaime chat with each other on the boat. During this conversation, Myrcella reveals that she knows that Jaime is actually her father as well as her uncle, which was actually a really touching scene, for one that centres around incest, and throws another wrench into what was already a really complicated fam-OH MY GOD, ELLARIA, YOU FUCKING BITCH.
Shit, talk about salvaging a storyline at the last minute!
I guess that leaves Tommen as the last of Cersei and Jaime’s kids. What reputations for Tommen to live up to: a weird-looking psychopathic brat, and an amorous tween who got murdered by a vengeful Spaniard.
Oh, shit….She got Inigo Montoya’d!
Braavos
Oh, Jesus, what the hell did happen in Braavos?
Well, I do know that Arya sliced the absolute shit out of Meryn Trant. That was awesome. I don’t care if it was essentially torture porn, I enjoyed every minute of it.
Then, Arya goes back to the House of Black and White, and this is when things got a little confusing for my primitive lizard brain. So, Jaqen is mad at her for killing Trant instead of the Thin Man, and he’s about to kill her because “a life for a life” ‘n shit, then he kills himself instead of her, and then the blind girl turns into Jaqen, which is weird, and then the dead guy is No One, which is already an abstract concept, and does that mean that Jaqen is the Many-Faced God oh, god, I’m so confused and Oh shit Arya, what the fuck is happening to your eyes?!?!?!
Meereen
Team-up time! Yaaaaaayyyy I love team-up time!!!!
And Varys! Yaaaaayyyy! I don’t completely despise Varys!
The Wall
….Fuck Olly and fuck his dead parents.
Overall: …………….Ugh…….It’s still a great episode, but….Ugh.
Rating: 8/10
So, I’m planning a more formal (Well, for me) review of the entire season, but it probably won’t be out for a couple of weeks, as I wanted to review Inside Out this weekend without worrying about another big review, and, while I am moderately excited for Ted 2, it’s not that big a movie for me, so, yeah. The Season 5 review is coming in two weeks. Be there or…..I don’t know, don’t I guess. God, I’m dead inside.
Ugh, fuck you Olly. Just fucking die already.
OH, FOR FUCK’S SAKE, STAN.
Welp. Don’t I look like an overly optimistic fool now?
Braavos
LanArya is about to fulfill her mission of assassinating the Thin Man when she gets distracted by another prospective target: Meryn Trant, the Kingsguard (And noted shitheel) who murdered Syrio Forel (Google him) back in season 1, when we all still had a modicum of faith left in humanity.
“What? They’re not gonna kill off the main character! Especially when that character is Sean Bean! Be serious!”
In retrospect, that should’ve been our first hint.
Anyways, she immediately forgets about the Thin Man and follows Trant around Braavos, where he is currently escorting noted buffoon Mace Tyrell, who is supposed to be negotiating a new deal with the Iron Bank of Braavos. but who seems to be busy making a complete and utter ass of himself. After ditching Bumblefuck Tyrell, Trant, closely followed by LanArya, makes his way to a brothel (As idle men tend to do in this show). There, he reveals that he, like every other fucking person in this goddamn show, is into some really gross sexual stuff, because of course he is.
Upon arriving back at the House of Black and White, Arya tells Jaqen that the Thin Man wasn’t hungry today, and that she’ll do the job tomorrow. Jaqen appears to buy that excuse. If you think that he actually did believe her, then I have some MySpace stock to sell you.
Can you buy stock in a social networking site? Eh, fuck it, moving on.
The Wall
Oh, fuck off with your dead family, Olly. Nobody cares anymore.
Also, Alliser’s still a giant dickhead. Shocking, I know.
The North
Despite all my hopes, prayers, and sacrifices to Cthulu, Ramsay’s guerilla attacks against Stannis are proving to be quite effective. Realizing that there’s no way that his troops survive the winter, Stannis sends Ser Davos to Castle Black in order to get help from Jon Snow. Ser Davos leaves after an adorable storyline with Princess Shireen, and Stannis visits her soon after to participate in another heartwarming father-daughter-
…
…
…
…
..
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YOU HAD IT!!!! YOU HAD MY GOODWILL!!! AND WHAT DID YOU DO?!?!?! YOU BURNED A FUCKING TWELVE-YEAR OLD TO DEATH?!?!?! EAT A DICK STANNIS, WE’RE FUCKING DONE!!! FUCK YOU!!!! I HOPE YOU, YOUR CREEPY FUCKING WIFE AND YOUR DISGUSTING RED DRESS FUCK-BUDDY CTHULU BITCH ROT IN HELL!!
…
I mean, first kill the Boltons and save Sansa, if need be, but afterwards EAT A MILLION SWAMP RAT RECTUMS AND DIE, YOU INHUMAN FUCK!!!!
Spain Dorne
…
Not gonna lie, that felt good. I should go completely unhinged more often. If only nobody had to die for that to happen. And what am I gonna do when Game of Thrones is over? My random murder quota is already so high!
Eh. A man’s work is never done, I guess.
Where was I? Oh, right, this surprisingly slow storyline.
To its credit, this storyline wasn’t all that bad to me, even if 80% of the dialogue from Elia Martell and the Sand Snakes sounded like recycled and modified Inigo Montoya dialogue.
Plus boobs.
Any flaws in the character development are made excusable by the fact that it’s nice to have a storyline that doesn’t end in just the worst way possible, with nobody dying except a ship captain and some miscellaneous Dornish guards, and who cares about them? It’s not like they’re people, or anything.
Stormtrooper logic people, stormtrooper logic.
Meereen
Daenarys and her posse are witnessing Opening Day at Daznak’s Pit, which is kind of like Opening Day at Yankee Stadium, but in this case, the Yankees are all getting brutally decapitated. A boy can dream, can’t he?
Anyways, Daenarys, Hizdahr, Missandei, Tyrion and Recast McFuckface engage in verbal sparring that makes heretofore unsuccessful writers like myself want to give up and leave it to the professionals. It’s so amazing and funny, and if I can ever write something half as good as the dialogue here, then I will feel complete in life.
After the first match is ended in a darkly hilarious matter, Jorah steps into the ring, and begins fighting in a terrific battle royale against some sword fodder, much to Dany and Tyrion’s shock. After Jorah dispatches them, he throws his spear into Dany’s booth… And hits a Son of the Harpy who was trying cut Dany’s throat!
The initial shock of seeing this is compounded upon when members of the audience put on masks and start cutting people’s throats. Our heroes all have some moments of badassery, Recast racks up a kill count (I’ve been rough on him this season. Whatever, he’s cool, I just think he’s kind of a dick), Tyrion kills a S.O.H. who’s trying to kill Missandei, and Hizdahr dies horrib- oh, wait.
The posse wanders into the middle of the coliseum for…reasons, when they are surrounded by the horned freaks when suddenly….. Dragon ex machina!!!!
“Surprise, motherfuckers!!!”
Dany then flies off with Drogon, leaving her posse staring in awe…. Before presumably being brutally murdered by the surviving Sons of the Harpy.
Overall: After last episode, Game of Thrones has gone back into no-holds-barred misery mode. Ah, well, the relative peace was fun while it lasted.
Rating: 9.5/10
Wait a minute… I was only one day late posting this thing? This calls for a celebration! Let’s go out and set things on fire, you guys!
Oh…. Too soon….
That sound you hear is the ghosts from Return of the King shitting themselves.
“Wednesday”, he said,,, “No later than Wednesday”, he said…
SPOILER ALERT. OBVIOUSLY.
King’s Landing
I’m just gonna leave this here. That seems to sum it up all right.
Braavos
Since we last saw her, Arya has adopted the identity of Lana, an oyster seller with a questionable haircut who, under the orders of Jaqen H’gar, takes a wrong turn from her regular route and comes across a sleazy life insurance salesman. After LanArya reports back to Jaqen, he tells her that this guy is a complete and utter douche who refuses to pay out to the families of his clients. Speaking of which, one of said families has hired the Faceless Men to murder him, and Jaqen, apparently being one to pass the buck, passes the job off to LanArya, who is to learn everything she can about the salesman before poisoning him. I was kinda hoping that she would turn him into a pincushion (Get it!?!?), but whatever works.
The Wall
Why is anybody still questioning Jon Snow at this point? Why can’t this goddamn kid just shut up about his dead family and learn to accept the murderers and cannibals who slaughtered his village?
…..WHAT HAS THIS SHOW DONE TO ME!!!???!?!?!?
Also, who else was sure that Olly had poisoned Sam when the camera focused on Sam’s food or drink, or whatever that was (Forgive me, it’s been a few days since I watched the episode)? That would’ve pissed me right the fuck off, he killed a White Walker and he gets offed by a thirteen-year old?
Though he wouldn’t be going down a virgin, so that’s somewhat good for him, at least.
Winterfell
Sansa chews out Reek for being a pussy in a great scene, resulting in Reek revealing that he hadn’t executed Bran and Rickon in his brief tenure as Lord of Winterfell. Knowing him, though, he’s probably going to tell Evil Elijah Wood that he spilled the beans.
“Oh, so it was two other defenseless children who met gruesome ends? Thank god!”
Roose and Evil Elijah Wood also discuss their strategy against Stannis Baratheon, who is not exactly having the easiest of times making his way to Winterfell. Roose wants to hole up in the castle for the long haul (Like a BIIIIIIIIITCHH!!!!), but EEW convinces him to be aggressive, asking for “20 good men”. Ah, jeez.
I hate to be pessimistic, but… I don’t think Stannis is very long for this world. It sucks too, because Stannis has been kind of growing on me. Don’t get me wrong, I still think he’s a thoroughly mediocre human being, but in this world, mediocre people are still well above average, so good for him, I guess.
“You mean he DIDN’T sacrifice his child to a malevolent Demon-God??? What A+ parenting!!!!”
Meereen
Omigod, Omigod, Omigod!!!!!! They’re meeting up! THEY’RE ACTUALLY MEETING UP!!!
Jorah and Tyrion are presented before Daenarys (I must say,they could not have picked a worse possible time to do this). Tyrion convinces Daenarys to both let him live and let him advise her, as he has plenty of experience with politics. However, following Tyrion’s counsel, Dany exiles Jorah again, and he runs off to the fighting pits, foreshadowing some sort of grand romantic gesture that is almost certainly going to end poorly for most people involved. Such is life, I suppose. Sometimes you win, sometimes, you get exiled by the smoking hot woman of your dreams, get infected with zombie-dust, get exiled again, willingly enter slavery, and probably end up getting torn apart by dragons if the fighting pit or zombie-dust don’t get you.
Shit, that’s Tuesday for me, I don’t know what he’s complaining about.
Hardhome
Jon Snow, Tormund Giantsbane and a shit-ton of expendable redshirt equivalents group of miscellaneous brothers of the Night’s Watch arrive at Hardhome, the home of the Wildlings. After awesomely murdering the shit out of the Lord of Bones, Tormund organizes a meeting of the village elders, and convinces all of the tribes to escape to the south, except for the Thenns, because fuck the Thenns.
Thus, the Wildlings and the Night’s Watch begin loading the people onto boats bound for the Seven Kingdoms, and we get to know Karsi, a female Wildling who we see leaving her children on a boat, promising she’ll be back.
Right, I’m sure nothing is gonna happen to their mom, so these kids should just shut their yaps, relax, and OH FUCK!!!! OH FUCK!!! OH FUCK NO!!!!!
Yep, Karsi gets murdered by a group of undead kids that would make the Children of the Corn weep in their sleep, but don’t worry! She wasn’t dead for that long!…Unfortunately.
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“Just a flesh wound.”
The evacuation does not exactly go swimmingly, as a metric shit-ton of the Wildlings and Night’s Watch are murdered and subsequently resurrected by the White Walkers. We do learn, however, that apparently Valyrian Steel can kill White Walkers. Interesting…
Overall: EverybodysaysthisepisodeisamazingIagreetenouttaten.
Rating: 10/10
OH SHIT! IT’S THE EVIL BLUE MAN GROUP!!!
Well, look who came crawling the fuck back!
No Arya today, but considering how much stuff happened in this episode, that’s probably a good thing. Shame about the Dorne storyline not really going anywhere tho-
*Brain short circuits*.
SPOILER ALERT. OBVIOUSLY.
The Wall
Jon Snow leaves with Tormund Giantsbane for Hardhome, which I assume is the home of the Wildlings North of the Wall. I dunno, Google it, I guess. Before he leaves, Sam gives Jon the Dragonglass he used to kill the White Walker, which I’m sure definitely means that Jon won’t have to use it. Now left attending an old and frail Maester Aemon Targaryen, Sam is left with Gilly as his only friend at Castle Black when Aemon dies in what’s actually a really touching death scene, especially in a show in which death is usually accompanied by head explosions and the audience’s’ screams of dismay. It was really well done, and quite sad, especially when he starts talking to his little brother, Aegon.
Sam gives a nice eulogy for the Maester before Alliser Thorne threatens him, like a dick. Who knew that giving him power would result in it going to his head? Later that night, Sam and Gilly are assaulted by a couple of the more rapey Brothers of the Night’s Watch, and are only saved by Ghost, who has been off doing whatever the fuck direwolves do in this goddamn show.
Somewhere, Nymeria is pulling all the strings. I’m calling it right now.
Anyways, Gilly tends to Sam’s wounds, and then they totally bang. Hey! Maybe this episode won’t be totally horri-
Winterfell
Oh, God damn it. Shit, let’s just get through this.
Sansa asks Reek to help her escape Winterfell. I call him Reek and not Theon, because he’s still being a sleazy little fuck, selling out Sansa to Evil Elijah Wood and getting a nice old lady flaid to death. I mean, I get that he was psychologically torn to shreds by Evil Elijah Wood, but there comes a point where he would display the slightest bit of a fucking conscience at least, right?
If I half-assedly defended that scene in the last episode for nothing, then I’m going to be pretty goddamn angry.
Anyways, Sansa steals what looks like a small, bladed tool, and if that means that EEW’s days are numbered, well, yes please.
I can only rewatch his death in Sin City so many times.
Miscellaneous Winter
Stannis is having a pretty rough go of it. Not only are his troops, used to fighting in warmer climates, having real trouble slogging through the Northern winter, but the Sellswords he paid for have abandoned him, and Davos is counselling a return to Castle Black. Stannis cordially tells him to fuck off and turns instead to Melisandre for help. She tells him that she is sure of his victory, but it would really help if we would go ahead and sacrifice his only daughter to the Red God. Fuck this lady.
To his credit, Stannis tells her to go soak her head. That’s Stannis for ya: A+ parent, thoroughly mediocre human being otherwise.
Meereen
Tyrion and Jorah are now officially owned by a noble named Yezzan no Qaggaz, who (Surprise!) is a complete and utter dickhead.
I know, slavers are dicks, it came as a shock to me, too.
The odd couple are destined for the fighting pits of Meereen, where, double surprise, Daenarys is visiting the smaller arenas before the main event, but not before enjoying a roll in the hay with Recast McFuckface. I guess she’s into him for his looks, because he’s spewing some garbage about murdering the nobles. Because that’s obviously going to end well. Wisely, she ignores him (For now!?!?) and goes to the fight, where she is disgusted, because she has at least some semblance of morals. When Jorah hears that Dany is watching the carnage, he rushes onto the arena and presents himself to her. Before she can feed him to one of her overgrown newts, Tyrion wanders into the arena, revealing himself to be Jorah’s gift to her.
Dayum. This is gonna be good.
Dorne
Bewbs.
Oh, and, uh, Jamie, Myrcella, something something.
I am a shallow pig. Mind as well admit that now.
King’s Landing
In the Sept of Baelor, Olenna Tyrell meets with the High Sparrow, trying to get him to release Loras and Queen Margaery after he and Cersei sicced the Faith Militant on them. When he proves headstrong, Olenna tries to bribe him, an, unlike literally anybody else in King’s Landing, the High Sparrow proves that he is not in it for himself. Scarily enough, he legitimately believes that he’s doing the god’s work, and cannot be dissuaded from doing what he believes is right. Wotta dick.
Also, Petyr plots with Olena about probably some wretched shit.
In the Sept, Cersei visits Margaery in the Queen’s cell in order to gloat, flashing her shit-eating grin in unrepentant glee. God, I can’t wait till someone gives this PsychoBitch the defeat she-
Oh. OH.
OH DAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYUUUUUUMMMMMM!!!!!!!!
I’m really hoping someone around you was using an air horn when you were reading that. You know, for effect.
Overall: Probably the best episode of the season so far, “The Gift” does a good job setting up what I can only hope are the earth-shattering (And hopefully not horrible) events to come.
You’ll get yours, you motherfucker….
I’ll be honest, I really wanted to skip this review. I feel like the tone that I set in these recaps is not one that is well suited for the controversy surrounding the last sequence of this episode. But, I also feel like I have an obligation to, y’know, actually follow through on something. So, I will review this episode, but I will avoid talking about the scene that has set the internet ablaze. There are many places to rationally discuss the benefits (If there are any) and drawbacks of said seen, but I don’t think the comment section of somebody who’s about to comment on how much a dick joke made him laugh is the best place to do so. That said, I may touch on it when I do my (moderately) more serious overall review of the season once all the episodes have aired. For now, the two things I have to say about the controversy are A) I don’t think that, technically speaking, the scene was done very well, and B) If people think that Game of Thrones has gone too far just now, they haven’t been paying attention.
Alright, let’s get on with it.
SPOILER ALERT. OBVIOUSLY.
Braavos
Arya continues her illustrious career of washing dead bodies for some reason. In between corpse-bathing sessions, she is tormented by Jaqen H’ghar and that other girl (Who I guess is called The Waif. Okay then, maybe I just wasn’t paying attention), who seem to be training her to lie believably in order to make her a more effective assassin, one would assume. She doesn’t do particularly well, and gets increasingly frustrated with the fact that not a damn thing has happened since joining the Faceless Men. Not to get too whiny, but that makes two of us.
That is quickly remedied, however, when she euthanizes a sick young girl using the poisoned water from the Well. Her bedside manner and newfound skill in the art of lying her damn face off in order to comfort the girl convince Jaqen that she’s worthy, I guess, because he takes Arya downstairs underneath the temple, where the spires double as storage areas for all the faces of the people who’ve died in the temple.
The Joker would be envious.
As Arya does what any rational, clear-thinking human being would do in the situation (Poke the faces), Jaqen explains to her that he does not believe she is ready to become “No One”, but that she must become “Someone else”. I hope the rest of the storyline isn’t just them playing Second Life for four episodes.
“A Man thinks A Girl may be getting into this a little too much.”
Spain Dorne
Not to make assumptions, but Myrcella doesn’t look all that unhappy in Dorne.
Not to say that many teenage girls would like to be desired by someone who looks like a boy band reject, but…
That presumed not-unhappiness is proven short-lived, however, when Jaime and Bronn show up to rescue her from the, um, tyranny of Trystane Martell. While Trystane doesn’t prove to stand up very well to a swift punch to the face, the rescue attempt goes awry when the Sand Snakes show up, presumably to butcher Myrcella for no good reason, because this is what Spanish Dornish people are like, apparently. The fight comes to an abrupt halt when Dornish Minister of Fucking Badassery, Areo Hotah, arrives on the scene, arresting Jaime, Bronn, the Sand Snakes and even Elia Martell. Sure, why not?
Across the Narrow Sea
Tyrion and Jorah trade Dead Daddy stories. Shortly afterwards, they are captured by slavers. Hilarity ensues.
Seriously, there’s no way I could do it justice. Just watch it again.
King’s Landing
Petyr Baelish returns to King’s Landing, where he is immediately confronted by Lancel and a group of Sparrows, who inform him in no uncertain terms that they will not tolerate his prostitution business anymore, as if he gives a shit about a fucking brothel at this point. And why is it that the Faith Militant don’t arrest him outright? It’s not like power and influence stopped them from arresting Loras Tyrell.
Speaking of which, after getting her dumb ass manipulated by Littlefinger (Phrasing…), Cersei, along with Tommen, Margaery and Olenna Tyrell, oversee the interrogation of Loras Tyrell, and, surprisingly, Margaery herself. The siblings both deny accusations of Loras’ homosexuality, and all seems to be reasonably okay… Until Olyvar (Google him) testifies, pointing the finger at Loras, and testifying that Margaery is fully aware of Loras’ flirtations.
Ruh roh!
The High Shithead decides to arrest not only Loras, but also Margaery. Fuck Cersei. And fuck the High Sparrow, man, I thought he was cool.
Mind you, I also thought Littlefinger was cool, so fuck me, right?
Overall: Aside from that scene I mentioned, another great episode. Not that I’m complaining, but I hope something amazing happens soon. Something preferably not horrifying.
Rating: 8/10
Seriously though, die.
Gonna kill, kill, kill, kill kill the boy/ Kill kill kill kill kill the boy/Kill kill kill kill kill the boy toniiiiiiiiight…
Halfway through the season, and nobody I love dearly has been murdered yet! I have absolutely no hope for that to remain the case, but we’ll see!
SPOILER ALERT. OBVIOUSLY.
The North
Podrick and Brienne are hanging out in an inn outside of Winterfell, being generally awesome.
That’s pretty much it. Moving right along!!!
Winterfell
After what I can only assume to have been the most terrifying session of lovemaking known to man, gratuitously naked Evil Elijah Wood has a tense conversation with his psychotic (And also gratuitously naked) girlfriend, Myranda. Being a jealous psycho, she isn’t particularly happy about EEW marrying Sansa. He responds by initiating another hardcore, terrifying fuck session.
Boy, does Sansa have a ton to look forward to!
Later, Myranda shows Reek (Or, as I like to call him, “The Dirtbag Formerly Known as Theon Greyjoy”) to Sansa. Later, at the Bolton family table, EEW parades Reek around, forcing him to apologize to Sansa for murdering Bran and Rickon (About that…). EEW stops crowing, however, when Roose announces that he and Walda Frey (Google it) are expecting a child. That poor, poor kid.
Ramsay starts sulking about his inheritance being in jeopardy, an Roose assures him of his place as his oldest son in a heartwarming father-son chat… Or what would be if heartwarming if it didn’t involve murdering a woman’s husband, raping said woman under the hanging corpse of said husband, and considering throwing the, uh, “lovechild” (For unfortunate lack of a better word) into a well. Boy, does this tremendous prick need to die horribly. I would so love that.
Has anyone ever told you that you would look lovely with a shotgun repeatedly unloading into your face and torso?
Wait a minute….
Ye gods…
The Wall
Jon, rather surprisingly, decides to go beyond the wall with Thormund Giantsbane to offer the Wildlings a chance to settle South of the Wall, a plan that is thoroughly rejected by damn near every one of his comrades. Being stubborn, yet awesome, he decides to go ahead with his plan anyways. I’d be less worried about this plan if it didn’t involve saving the goddamn Thenns. Fuck those guys.
How does one make those markings?… On second thought, I don’t wanna know.
Also, Stannis heads out to march on Winterfell. Uh, good luck with that, I guess???
Meereen
In the aftermath of the fight with the Sons of the Harpy, Grey Worm is injured, but survives (Rejoice all you, uh, Grey Worm fans!!!). Ser Barristan Selmy, on the other hand, isn’t so lucky, succumbing to his wounds (Hat tip of respect). Daenerys rounds up the leaders of the great families, including Hizdahr zo Loraq (Look him up) and threatens them with her dragons, even allowing one of the nobles to be burnt to a crisp and torn apart by Viserion and Rhaegal. Why does she do this? Fuck if I know.
After letting him stew in a cell for a few days, Dany visits Hizdahr zo Loraq in his cell, and tells him that she will reopen the fighting pits to free men (Ruh roh!!!) and, in order to forge a stronger alliance with the people of Meereen, she intends to wed Hizdahr.
There is no conceivable way this will end well.
The Narrow Sea
As Tyrion and Jorah chat, we get our first glimpse of the ruins of Old Valyria, the ancestral home of the Targaryens, which, I gotta say, looks really, really beautiful. One wonders why anybody would ever think of lea-AHHHHHH!!!!! DRAGONS AND LEPERS!!!! BURN IT TO THE GROUND!!!!
Jorah regains his badass card by saving Tyrion, but, unfortunately, it’s revealed that he has contracted Greyscale. Why must this show hurt me so?
Overall: The season as a whole is still proving to be a slow burn, but if it continues to be this enjoyable, that’s fine by me.
Rating: 8.5/10
The next episode is named “Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken”, which is the motto of, uh, which house again?
OH SHIT, MYRCELLA, RUN!!!!!!
“OH, COME THE FUCK ON!!!”- Sansa Stark, at this exact point in the episode.
Why do I insist on spending an hour staring at my laptop screen, trying to come up with an opening blurb? It’s not like this is an actual review or anything, I’m basically just saying what happened and swearing a lot.
Eh. Let’s just get going.
SPOILER ALERT… OBVIOUSLY
King’s Landing
Margaery Tyrell bags her third king, hoping to have a husband that isn’t gay, murdered by his brother, sadistic, or murdered by her family. Knowing that Cersei is her mother-in-law, the possibility of this marriage ending in anything other than the worst way possible is pretty slim, but hey, maybe third time’s the charm.
Margaery and Tommen consummate their marriage. which is actually pretty disturbing, but admittedly, as a heterosexual male, I can’t be too grossed-out about any scene that involves Natalie Dormer in near-nudity.
How non-shallow of me, I know.
As she does, Margaery tries to manipulate Tommen into having his mom go back to Casterly Rock, where she convinces Tommen that Cersei will be happier. Tommen, bless his heart, tries to do so, but Cersei immediately sees this for the Tyrell manipulation that it is, and declines, shortly before heading off to confront Margaery. While Cersei has always had at least a semblance of authority over Margaery in previous verbal duels, that authority is pretty much gone now that Margie is Queen, and Cersei is Dowager Queen, as the former points out not-so-subtly in this encounter. Also, not that I feel sorry for PsychoBitch in any respect, but it was kind of shitty of Margaery to rub her son’s horniness and ability in the sack in her face.
….There’s definitely a less icky way to phrase that. Anyways, I’m betting Margaery doesn’t survive much longer.
Later, in the illustrious King’s Landing Brothel, the High Septon (Like the Pope of Westeros, I guess) is engaging in a fetish of his in which he fucks a/some prostitute(s) dressed as one of the Seven Gods of Westeros. Yeah, it’s weird, but Margaery’s a pedophile, Cersei and Jaime fuck each other, and that Wildling creep fucked his daughters, so you’ll excuse me if this comes off as somewhat tame to me.
Dear god, what has this show done to me?
Anyway, before he has his way with a particularly creepy-looking god known as The Stranger, he is interrupted by Lancel Lannister and a few of his cult buddies from the Sparrows. Calling him a sinner (Of all people in that fucking city) they strip him naked and parade him through the street. Enraged, the Septon demands that the Small Council find the High Sparrow (The head Sparrow, obviously) and execute him. Oddly enough, Cersei not only does not do this, she imprisons the High Septon, ha a pleasant chat with the High Sparrow, and appoints him as the new Head of the Faith.
Interesting….
Meanwhile, in Qyburn Mengele’s lair, Cersei tells him some boring shit about sending a letter to- OH MY FUCKING GOD THE MOUNTAIN’S CORPSE JUST MOVED!!!! OH SHIT!!!!
Frankenstein just shat himself.
In the North
As Reek looks on in growing horror, Bolton & Son continue skinning dissenters in Winterfell with psychopathic glee. However, Reek overhears them talking about how the Lords of the North do not recognize Roose Bolton as Warden of the North, and how they must forge alliances through marrying off Ramsey. Roose mentions that he’s found the perfect bride for his son, and the camera pans to…
Oh….Oh no….
GODDAMMIT LITTLEFINGER, YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT!!!!
Help may be on the way, though, as Brienne and Podrick are following Littlefinger and Sansa to Winterfell (It’s nice to be see Winterfell again, skinless corpses notwithstanding). We get some nice backstory from the two of them, which is always welcome, but I personally wouldn’t mind skipping to the part where Brienne lops Evil Elijah Wood’s head off.
Don’t tell me you don’t see the difference.
The Wall
Jon Snow declines Stannis’ offer of the name of Jon Stark, as his duties as Lord Commander are more important than helping a religious nut take over the kingdom. Stannis is unpleased with this and Jon’s suggestion that he does not want the army there any more, and reveals that he intends to attack Winterfell within a fortnight, which… Yeah, we’ll see how that goes.
Ser Davos tries to get Jon to reconsider, suggesting that the Night’s Watch would be better served taking the North than protecting the Wall, and bringing up the valid point that the North is suffering under the Boltons. Fair enough, but a) Stannis kind of sucks too and b) magical ice zombies so, no, stay at the wall, Jon.
Also, Janos Slynt is a whiny little shitheel. Now he has no head. Fuckin’ A!
Braavos
Not all that much to talk about here. Hey, at least she didn’t get rid of Needle!
Volantis
Oh, fuck me, not another goddamn Red Priestess!!!
Although the fact that this one is rallying the masses in support of Daenarys Targaryen, which is inter- OH, FUCK, TYRION NO!!!!
Overall: Yep, Game of Thrones still really freaking good, you guys.
Rating: 8.5/10
My thought exactly, good buddy.
Please Kill the Messenger 