Game of Thrones- Season 5, Episode 3: High Sparrow

“OH, COME THE FUCK ON!!!”- Sansa Stark, at this exact point in the episode.

Why do I insist on spending an hour staring at my laptop screen, trying to come up with an opening blurb? It’s not like this is an actual review or anything, I’m basically just saying what happened and swearing a lot.

Eh. Let’s just get going.

SPOILER ALERT… OBVIOUSLY

King’s Landing

Margaery Tyrell bags her third king, hoping to have a husband that isn’t gay, murdered by his brother, sadistic, or murdered by her family. Knowing that Cersei is her mother-in-law, the possibility of this marriage ending in anything other than the worst way possible is pretty slim, but hey, maybe third time’s the charm.

Margaery and Tommen consummate their marriage. which is actually pretty disturbing, but admittedly, as a heterosexual male, I can’t be too grossed-out about any scene that involves Natalie Dormer in near-nudity.

How non-shallow of me, I know.

As she does, Margaery tries to manipulate Tommen into having his mom go back to Casterly Rock, where she convinces Tommen that Cersei will be happier. Tommen, bless his heart, tries to do so, but Cersei immediately sees this for the Tyrell manipulation that it is, and declines, shortly before heading off to confront Margaery. While Cersei has always had at least a semblance of authority over Margaery in previous verbal duels, that authority is pretty much gone now that Margie is Queen, and Cersei is Dowager Queen, as the former points out not-so-subtly in this encounter. Also, not that I feel sorry for PsychoBitch in any respect, but it was kind of shitty of Margaery to rub her son’s horniness and ability in the sack in her face.

….There’s definitely a less icky way to phrase that. Anyways, I’m betting Margaery doesn’t survive much longer.

Later, in the illustrious King’s Landing Brothel, the High Septon (Like the Pope of Westeros, I guess) is engaging in a fetish of his in which he fucks a/some prostitute(s) dressed as one of the Seven Gods of Westeros. Yeah, it’s weird, but Margaery’s a pedophile, Cersei and Jaime fuck each other, and that Wildling creep fucked his daughters, so you’ll excuse me if this comes off as somewhat tame to me.

Dear god, what has this show done to me?

Anyway, before he has his way with a particularly creepy-looking god known as The Stranger, he is interrupted by Lancel Lannister and a few of his cult buddies from the Sparrows. Calling him a sinner (Of all people in that fucking city) they strip him naked and parade him through the street. Enraged, the Septon demands that the Small Council find the High Sparrow (The head Sparrow, obviously) and execute him. Oddly enough, Cersei not only does not do this, she imprisons the High Septon, ha a pleasant chat with the High Sparrow, and appoints him as the new Head of the Faith.

Interesting….

Meanwhile, in Qyburn Mengele’s lair, Cersei tells him some boring shit about sending a letter to- OH MY FUCKING GOD THE MOUNTAIN’S CORPSE JUST MOVED!!!! OH SHIT!!!!

Frankenstein just shat himself.

In the North

As Reek looks on in growing horror, Bolton & Son continue skinning dissenters in Winterfell with psychopathic glee. However, Reek overhears them talking about how the Lords of the North do not recognize Roose Bolton as Warden of the North, and how they must forge alliances through marrying off Ramsey. Roose mentions that he’s found the perfect bride for his son, and the camera pans to…

Oh….Oh no….

GODDAMMIT LITTLEFINGER, YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT!!!!

Help may be on the way, though, as Brienne and Podrick are following Littlefinger and Sansa to Winterfell (It’s nice to be see Winterfell again, skinless corpses notwithstanding). We get some nice backstory from the two of them, which is always welcome, but I personally wouldn’t mind skipping to the part where Brienne lops Evil Elijah Wood’s head off.

Don’t tell me you don’t see the difference.

The Wall

Jon Snow declines Stannis’ offer of the name of Jon Stark, as his duties as Lord Commander are more important than helping a religious nut take over the kingdom. Stannis is unpleased with this and Jon’s suggestion that he does not want the army there any more, and reveals that he intends to attack Winterfell within a fortnight, which… Yeah, we’ll see how that goes.

Ser Davos tries to get Jon to reconsider, suggesting that the Night’s Watch would be better served taking the North than protecting the Wall, and bringing up the valid point that the North is suffering under the Boltons. Fair enough, but a) Stannis kind of sucks too and b) magical ice zombies so, no, stay at the wall, Jon.

Also, Janos Slynt is a whiny little shitheel. Now he has no head. Fuckin’ A!

Braavos

Not all that much to talk about here. Hey, at least she didn’t get rid of Needle!

Volantis

Oh, fuck me, not another goddamn Red Priestess!!!

Although the fact that this one is rallying the masses in support of Daenarys Targaryen, which is inter- OH, FUCK, TYRION NO!!!!

Overall: Yep, Game of Thrones still really freaking good, you guys.

Rating: 8.5/10

My thought exactly, good buddy.

Game of Thrones- Season 5, Episode 2: The House of Black and White (Review/Recap)

Frustrating as she may be, at least Emo Sansa is still more badass than Emo Spider-Man.

It’s Tuesday, and we all now what that means…

That’s right! I’m two days late with the Game of Thrones post again! In the interest of getting right into it, let’s, uh, get right to it!

SPOILER ALERT….OBVIOUSLY

King’s Landing 

Cersei and Jaime, still reeling from Tywin’s death, receive a dire warning from Dorne, the southernmost region of Westeros, which has lost its prince, Oberyn Martell, to the trial by combat that plunged many GoT fans into unfathomable depression.

“JESUS H. FUCK, NO!!!!!!!”– Me, about a year ago.

Oberyn’s wife and daughters, the Sand Snakes, have a small viper statue with a necklace in its fangs. Cersei tells Jaime that the necklace belongs to their daughter (Gross), Myrcella, who was sent to Dorne by Tyrion in order to marry some prince, or whatever. Feeling a twinge of… something for Cersei, Jaime offers to go to Dorne in order to take her away from the beautiful climate, progressive attitudes towards women and general pleasantness of that country in order to bring her back to the squalor, corruption and flat-out misogyny of King’s Landing. I don’t know about you, but that seems like a good idea to me!!!

Where this scene gets real good, though is when we discover who Jaime’s travelling partner is….BRONN!!! I FUCKING LOVE BRONN!!!! OHMIGOD, JAMIE AND BRONN ARE GONNA BE TRAVEL BUDDIES!?!?!?! THIS IS THE BEST NEWS EVER!!!!

….

One of them’s gonna die horribly, aren’t they?

Anyways, what’s PsychoBitch doing while Jaime and Bronn are having their playdate? Well, she’s attending to a couple of hunters who are trying to trick her into thinking that the head of some random dwarf they murdered is the head of Tyrion Lannister. God, Westeros is just the fucking worst.

Uncharacteristically, Cersei shows mercy towards the hunters (I’m sure the dead dwarf would appreciate that), and gives the head of the dwarf to Maester (Sort of) Qyburn, who I’m pretty sure is Westeros’ equivalent of Josef Mengele. During a Small Council meeting, she appoints Mace Tyrell Master of Coin and Qyburn Master of Whisperers (Much to Grand Fuckface Pycelle’s dismay). She tries to appoint her uncle Kevan to the position of Master of War, but he not-so-respectfully declines, calling the rest of the Council members sycophants and demanding that King Tommen appoint him himself. Fuckin’ A, Kevan!

The Wall

Gilly is being tutored by Stannis Baratheon’s daughter, which is cool, whatever. Also, Stannis chastises Jon for mercy-killing Mance Rayder, andtries to recruit Jon to his cause, even offering to name him Jon Stark, which, all due respect to Cathryn Stark, should’ve probably been done ages ago. Being the badass that he is, though Jon tells Sam right before the election that he’s gonna decline Stannis’ author, because fuck Stannis, fuck the Red Woman, and fuck Stannis’ creepy wife, that’s why.

Also, Jon gets elected Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch, which is probably going to end poorly, but hey, for the moment, Fuckin’ A Jon!!!

The Vale

The Dynamic Duo (Podrick Payne and Brienne of Tarth) trudge on, eventually ending up in some shithole pub where, surprise, surprise, Sansa and Littlefinger are also hanging out! Remembering her mission, Brienne awesomely confronts Littlefinger, who, being Littlefinger, acts like a giant prick.

My day isn’t complete without imagining Ned Stark wringing his goddamn neck.

Sansa, being Sansa, acts like a brat and rebuffs her, leading to Brienne murdering several of Littlefinger’s men and escaping with Podrick into the woods. Like the badass she is, she resolves to get Sansa out of the clutches of Littlefinger, whether Sansa wants it or no. Fuckin’ A, Brienne!!!

Braavos

The biggest Fuckin’ A of all goes out to Arya, because she is Arya fucking Stark, and she doesn’t have time for some pissant thief’s bullshit.

Dorne

Ellaria Sand kinda seems like a hateful bitch. I totally get being pissed, but killing Myrcella, of all people? Jesus.

Across the Narrow Sea

Tyrion doesn’t get much screen time this time around, but hey, I can’t complain.

Meereen

Noted Dickhead Daario Naharis finds one of the members of the Sons of the Harpy, the anti-Mhysa resistance movement who have been murdering the Unsullied. While emancipated slave Mossador suggests he be killed outright, Ser Barristan reminds Danearys of the behaviour of her shitheel of a father, and she wisely decides to let the Son of the Harpy have a fair trial. However, this being the Game of Thrones world, Mossador fucks it up for her, murdering the S.o.H. in his cell. When Daenarys executes Mossador publicly, the unwashed masses turn on her in a really terrifying fashion, and she was to flee back into her castle.

Boy, it’s hard to do the right thing in this show.

Finally, Dani sees Drogon (The giant black dragon) and tries to reconnect, but he flies away like the ungrateful little brat that he is. He’s Dragon Sansa, is what I’m trying to say.

Overall: Fuckin’ A.

Rating: 8.5/10

Game of Thrones- Season 5, Episode 1: The Wars to Come (Recap/Review)

Drunken cynicism has never looked so good.

OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD!!!!!!!! IT’S BACK!!!!!!! PRAISE JEEBUS, IT’S BACK!!!!!

You may not have guessed, but I’m excited for Game of Thrones. It is probably my all-time favourite TV show, ahead of such masterpieces as Breaking Bad, Avatar: The Last Airbender and Pokemon: Indigo League.

In case you’re wondering, yes, I know I don’t watch enough TV.

Since the fifth season premiered on Monday, I’ve decided to do a fairly quick review and recap of each episode. Or, rather, every scene from the episode (Since I’m gonna be here all fucking day if I try to repeat what I did when I tried to review Gotham and Flash).

Also, this will have SPOILERS, so if you haven’t watched the episode or caught up, I encourage you to do so and will accept zero responsibility if  details get spoiled for you.

..Yeah. That’s it. Let’s get going.

25 Years Ago

A young blonde girl and her friend visit a fortune teller. But who is this mysterious girl? Perhaps her dialogue will give us some hint of – Oh, she’s being an entitled bitch? Then it’s probably Cersei.

Cersei demands to know her future (Which, as we know, always ends well), and, after a pretty bizarre ritual that involves a grown woman sucking on a 12-year old’s bleeding finger, the fortune teller tells Cersei that she will marry not the prince, but the king (Check), she will have three children while the king will have twenty (Check), and while all of her children will wear golden crowns, they will die in golden shrouds (I’m fine with 1/3 of that part coming true, frankly).

Finally, the fortune teller foresees that Cersei will eventually be cast out by a younger, more beautiful queen, which is a bit Snow White-esque, but whatever, make it happen, Margaery!

Margaery Tyrell can cast me out whenever she wants. I don’t know what “cast out” means.

King’s Landing

In the Sept of Baelor, Cersei and Jaime Lannister pay their respects to their dead asshole of a father, who is sporting the always popular “stone eyeball” look.

Whatever. Joffrey wore it better.

Cersei chastises Jaime for letting Tyrion escape from prison, which, awesomely, led to Tywin’s murder. Jaime looks mopey, but doesn’t do or say all that much, as the writers probably caught wind of the fan reaction to his previous hijinks at a family member’s grave.

At the wake, Cersei meets her ex-lover/cousin, Lancel (The curly-haired little shit who was Robert Baratheon’s squire), who has joined a religious cult known as the Sparrows. During their conversation, it is heavily suggested that Lancel poisoned Robert’s wine under Cersei’s orders way the hell back in season one. Cersei denies this but, honestly, if Cersei isn’t at the very top of your list of suspects, then you haven’t been paying attention.

Elsewhere, Cersei’s fiancee, Ser Loras Tyrell hangs out with his boyfriend (There’s a hackneyed joke about marriage somewhere in there) and is maybe plotting with Margaery to kill Cersei? Sure, why not!!!???

Pentos

Tyrion Lannister and Varys arrive in Pentos after hightailing it out of there. Tyrion has looked better both physically and mentally, having sunk into a drunken depression (Admittedly, I’d feel pretty shitty about myself after strangling my traitorous ex-girlfriend after learning she was schtupping my dad, who I then murdered on the john). Varys reveals that he has been supporting Daenarys Targaryen’s claim to the throne, to virtually no one’s surprise. After much delicious verbal sparring, Tyrion agrees to go meet the Khaleesi (Is she still being called that?).

Slaver’s Bay

One of the Unsullied, expecting a nice, relaxing, uh, lullaby with a hooker gets his throat cut by said hooker, as a fucking creepy masked figure watches on.

“You. Reader. I can hear your flesh screaming to be liberated from your body.”

Meanwhile, Dani is taking a page from the ISIS textbook by destroying the giant idol on the city’s pyramid. That’ll probably end well for her.

To her credit, she denies the Masters of Yunkai’s request to bring back the fighting arenas. Then, she allows Recast McFuckface to change her mind after he gives her some sob story about him growing up there. Fuck Daario Naharis. I hope the creepy mask guy gets him next.

Full disclosure: I actually really like the “new” Daario Naharis actor. I just think Daario Naharis is a dick.

At Daario’s suggestion, Dani tries to reconnect with her two dragons, who she’s kept locked up in a dark, dank underground area for god knows how long. The reunion goes about as well as one would expect.

In the Vale

Ha. Robin Arryn fucking sucks.

Also, Sansa, Littlefinger, something something.

At the Wall

Melisandre  summons Jon Snow, although not for a creepy religious fuckfest, thank god. No, instead, she takes him to her pawn  liege, Stannis Baratheon, who commisions him to try to convince Mance Rayder, the imprisoned leader of the wildlings, to help him re-take the North from the Boltons. As one would expect, Rayder tells him to go fuck himself in the most respectful, yet also badass way possible.

Ciaran Hinds is fucking fantastic, by the way.

As is par for the course at this point, Mance is sentenced to be burned alive in a religious ritual that is pretty disturbing, given how much I came to care for the guy in the episode. Thankfully, Jon, being the beautiful, beautiful man that he is, grants him a quick, painless death via arrow to the heart.

Overall: If you’ve been following Game of Thrones since the beginning, you know that some episodes, while still great, are more or less only there to build up the events to come. This is one of them.

8/10

This kid better be the next one to bite it.

TV Reviews Are Back!!! (Attempt #2) / Mighty Marvel Month Update

My body’s the readiest.

I’m almost done typing my Blade review, and I plan on continuing with Mighty Marvel Movie Month even if it kills me, but I realized that there are actually a couple TV shows that I want to watch. Specifically, Daredevil and Game of Thrones.

I realize that this didn’t go so well for me the last time I tried this, but when you consider that I was trying to review Gotham, The Flash, Legend of Korra and the MLB playoffs at the same time, it’s no real wonder I failed. At least this time GoT is only once a week, and Daredevil is gonna be released on Netflix, so I can review the whole series at once if I so desire.

So, that’s happening.

In addition, Mighty Marvel Movie Month (Dear god, I’m tired of writing that) will keep going, but it’s probably going to bleed into May, because there’s no way I’m going to be able to work much faster than I already am, especially with school.

..Um… That’s all. bye.

Post-Oscars State of PKTM

It’s over… Thank fucking god it’s over.

So, the Oscars are over,and I’m happy to say that the good guys won. I mean, there’s stuff from the ceremony that I’m mad about (Big Hero 6 winning Best Animated Feature over How to Train Your Dragon 2 and The Tale of the Princess Kaguya, Joan Rivers getting the shaft in the In Memoriam section, a shitty In Memoriam section in general), but on the whole, I was happy that BirdmanGrand Budapest Hotel and Whiplash killed it, I though the musical performances were great, and I enjoyed Neil Patrick Harris’ hosting (Come at me, literally everybody else who watched the Oscars!!!).

Those of you wondering where my Razzie reviews and predictions are (As if there are any of you) should stop expecting them, because they’re not going to happen. I’m sorry, but I couldn’t find a single stream of Saving Christmas anywhere, and, somehow, I don’t think watching that piece or garbage will build up my integrity as a reviewer. It’s a Kirk Cameron religious movie, for god’s sake. After Left Behind, I’d rather gouge out my eyes then watch another preachy-as-hell evangelical propaganda movie again.

So, as you might have guessed, I’m kind of burnt out on movies after having solely released movie reviews, Oscar-related material and Quotes of the Day since my Tarantinoverse Deathmatch way back on November 30 and December 7. So, I think you have more than enough reason to forgive me if I won’t be doing much new movie reviews until the start of the summer movie season, during which I’ll be totally overcome with the joy of seeing Avengers and Jurassic World, among others.

Anyways, this is what’s going to be going on over the next couple of months.

Quotes of the Day: Yeah, I kinda like them. They’re definitely only to be used as between-post filler, but I don’t see myself abandoning them altogether.

TV Reviews: After the whole Flash/Gotham/Legend of Korra debacle, I’m kind of reluctant to do this again, but it’s not like I can not review Game of Thrones.  If that goes okay, I might review some more stuff. No promises, though.

Movie Theories/Rants: I still haven’t done as much of these as I would like, but I have a couple ideas kicking around that might end up semi-decent.

DEATHMATCH!!!: It’s currently on hiatus until I can think of a solid second episode (And maybe a better way to present it) but I had too much fun doing the first one to even consider ditching it.

Movie Reviews: Just because I’m burnt out on them doesn’t mean I’m going to stop doing them.

I’m probably reviewing: Chappie, Cinderella (I still like Disney. Sue me), While We’re YoungInsurgent, Ex Machina, Clouds of Sils Maria

I might review: These Final Hours, It Follows, Get Hard, Home, Furious 7 (If I watch the first six movies first), True Story, The Water Diviner

Of course, some of these movies are just coming out in limited release, so maybe I shouldn’t be making promises I can’t keep, but when have I ever been one to learn from experience?

Also, my Top 20 movies of 2014 should be posted soon, so yeah.

By the way, I encourage anybody reading this to start commenting on my posts and maybe spreading the word about PKTM. Believe me, I’m grateful a million times over for whatever meager traffic I get, and if I’m stuck at 44 subscribers, so be it, that’s 44 more than I ever thought would be on board when I started almost two years ago. However, I would like to reach a larger audience if at all possible, so if anybody who likes any of my posts could comment, like and/or follow, I would be eternally grateful.

Sorry to go all PBS on you guys just now. I expect my god complex to kick back in anytime now, so I’ll cut this short before then.

Gotham- “Viper”, “Spirit of the Goat”, “Penguin’s Umbrella” and “The Mask”

Suddenly, the show’s representation of Victor Zsasz looks positively adorable.

Nope, won’t have time for the blurb, let’s get straight to my ratings.

“Viper”- 2.5/5

Spirit of the Goat”- 3.5/5

“Penguin’s Umbrella”- 4/5

“The Mask”- 4/5

Huh. Gotham has finally managed to put together a short streak of not only decent, but genuinely good episodes? There may yet be hope of me going on to review season two!!!!

Also, sorry about the half-assed post, but four episodes is a ton to write about I tried several different drafts, but none of them were panning out, so I’ll just timidly shrink back to the “one review every two weeks” format (That goes for The Flash and Korra as well).

I’ve also finished a rough draft of something brand new (That isn’t a goddamn review) that I’m really excited to put out there. Not that I don’t love doing reviews, but if anybody read this blog, I bet they would be tired of reviews at this point, and… Yeah, I’d be lying if I said they’re the thing I most look forward to upon waking up in the morning.

bf7d3-deathlist2b5

By the way, this photo is your one hint about what’s coming up next (Besides reviews, I mean).