Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie Review)

This movie is 141 minutes long. And they had to cut an hour. Think about that for a sec, will ya?

Before Age of Ultron, I had to do four major exams and a French oral presentation. That made May 1st one of those days that was simultaneously the best and worst day ever.

Avengers: Age of Ultron

Directed by: Joss Whedon

Produced by: Kevin Feige

Written by: Joss Whedon

Based on: The Avengers by Stan Lee and Jack Kirby

Genre: Superhero

Starring: Robert Downey Jr., Chris Hemsworth, Mark Ruffalo, Chris Evans, Scarlett Johansson, Jeremy Renner, James Spader, Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Elizabeth Olsen, Paul Bettany

Music by: Brian Tyler and Danny Elfman

Plot: The Avengers; Iron Man, Captain America, Thor, Hulk, Black Widow and Hawkeye, have been at their superheroing ways for a while now, fighting evil wherever it may rear its ugly head. However, after a somewhat traumatic mission in the fictional Eastern European nation of Sokovia or whatever (Where the official language is apparently heavily accented English),Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) decides that what the world needs is not the Avengers, but a super-powerful artificial intelligence whose goal is to achieve world peace by any means necessary. This is a wholly original concept that has never been attempted before in fiction, right?

Right!

Stark and Dr. Banner (Mark Ruffalo) accidentally create an A.I. named Ultron (James Spader) who, as anybody with half a brain could predict, is overwhelmed with a god complex, concluding that, since humans are the ones screwing up the world, the only way to ensure world peace is to destroy all humans, particularly the Avengers. Not exactly taking his kindly, the Avengers set out to defeat Ultron, but find themselves contending with divisions within the team, two mysterious twins working with Ultron, Pietro and Wanda Maximoff (Aaron Taylor-Johnson and Elizabeth Olsen) and the mysterious android named the Vision (Paul Bettany).

If that sounds like a lot of stuff going on, it’s because it kind of is. It’s become a growing trend among superhero movies lately to really up the amount of complicated subplots. I guess it makes sense that an extended universe would have more complicated storylines. You can’t merely have Superman saving Lois Lane anymore, you must have Captain America destroying HYDRA, have that tie in with a damn TV show, and have THAT tie into a movie that stars Vin Diesel as a fucking talking tree.

While I wouldn’t go so far as saying that you needed to have watched the other Marvel movies in order to understand this one, there are still some issues to be found in Age of Ultron. Joss Whedon has said that there is one hour of footage that had to be cut in order to get the movie down to a manageable length, and I commend him for that, because who wants to see a three and a half hour long superhero movie?

Besides me, I mean.

That said, during the second act, the movie starts feeling a bit rushed, trying to squeeze in development  and plot points that kind of come out of nowhere. There’s an entire sequence involving Thor that tries to serve as both an advancement of the plot and a setup for Thor: Ragnarok (Get hyped for that November 3, 2017 release date!!!) and… It doesn’t work. There’s just not enough explained. I understand part of the conclusion that Thor comes to during the subplot, but I’ll be damned if I know what happened up until that point. Something about Asgard, Stellan Skarsgard, Chris Hemsworth shirtless in a pool of water, whatever. Until the extended edition comes our on Blu-Ray (Please???), I can’t really give this movie points for flawlessly cohesive storytelling.

Also, while I’ll get into Aaron Taylor-Johnson and Elizabeth Olsen as Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch a little later, their accents didn’t do it for me at all. Who knows though, maybe the official language of Sokovia is English spoken with a cartoonish Russian accent? Fuck if I know.

I’m done dicking around, though. What did I think of Age of Ultron as a whole?

I fucking love it.

I know, I know, I’m predictable, but this movie…. It’s just so cool, you guys.

Yes, in terms of story, it’s not the most narratively well done, and the “Evil A.I” has been done to death, but if you’re really bothered by that when watching… You were probably too far gone to enjoy the movie in the first place.

While the action is great, as one would expect from most summer blockbusters nowadays, and the CGI is on point (… Save for some moments in the opening action sequence), this movie, even more than the first Avengers, lives and dies on its larger than-life characters and personalities.

Some people assumed from the trailers that Age of Ultron was going to be yet another goddamn “dark and gritty” superhero movie, and while it does have some heavy moments, its not a dark movie. Like, at all. It has more or less the same tone and atmosphere as the first one, just with, you know, a threatening villain.

Again, thanks to the trailer, many people assumed that Ultron would be the most threatening villain in the MCU to date, based on his menacing appearance and penchant for monologuing. Once again, that’s kind of misleading. While Ultron is really cool, and James Spader is downright fantastic, he was also, completely unexpectedly, really damn funny in an appropriately twisted, dark way, which makes sense, when you consider that he was created by Tony Stark. In addition to that, he’s not entirely a creature of logic, he could be seen as a child with a very black-and-white view of morality. That’s a pretty good way to distinguish him from the humorless “Evil A.I.” archetype that fiction has beaten to death at this point.

“Dave…. Pull my finger…”

What I’m most impressed with, though, is what they did with the main characters. Actually, scratch that, Captain America, Thor and Iron Man are just as awesome and well-written as they were before, but the secondary Avengers, for lack of a better term, get a whole hell of a lot more interesting. Hulk and Black Widow have a relationship that some people are calling forced, but I think it helps develop their character arcs a little more. especially since we haven’t had a solo Hulk movie for a while, and fans are still holding out for the Black Widow solo movie that is growing more and more unlikely by the minute.

IT’S SCARLETT JOHANSSON AS A SEXY RUSSIAN SPY!!! HOW DOES THIS NOT WRITE ITSELF!!!!????

There was definitely a more PC way to phrase that caption, but my point still stands.

The surprising one for me (And a whole lot of other people) was Hawkeye, who was pretty much nondescript in the first movie, was my favourite character in this movie. Without getting spoiler-y… He’s a scene stealer. Hawkeye is a scene stealer. God, this movie is bizarre.

Lastly, the new characters are, big surprise, pretty damn great. The Vision, without spoiling any details, is fucking awesome, and Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch are also good. While I wouldn’t say that this Quicksilver is as entertaining as the one in Days of Future Past, but this one has a pretty enjoyable personality that Aaron Taylor-Johnson has a lot of fun with. (Fun fact: Taylor-Johnson was the star of Kick-Ass, while Evan Peters, who played Quicksilver in Days of Future Past, played Taylor-Johnson’s friend in Kick-Ass. Full circle, or whatever.

Also, I have a crush on Elizabeth Olsen. I didn’t know that before today.

Her performance makes this movie the best project an Olsen sister has ever been associated with.

Overall: Age of Ultron delivers as a summer blockbuster on every sustainable level, being almost as good as the first movie. Shame the mid-credits scene sucks balls.

Rating: 9/10

“Wait’ll they get a load of me…”

Top 5 Marvel Cinematic Universe Villains- Part 1of 4

It took me a few minutes to make completely sure this wasn’t just photoshopped Tea Party propaganda.

A couple of days ago, I had the immense pleasure to watch the newest installment in Marvel’s Cinematic Universe, Guardians of the Galaxy. I don’t want to get too much into it, as I plan on writing a formal review after I watch it once more, because holy crap was that movie awesome, but I will say that one of the very few shortcomings of the movie was the unspectacular villain, Ronan the Accuser. The so-so baddie ended up working well with the movie, and I’ll get into why some other time, but it got me thinking about the different villains in the MCU, and I realized that aside from Loki, there aren’t many that get a ton of love. It’s not usually through any fault of their own…

Though there are exceptions.

… I just find that maybe the moviegoing public doesn’t find them quite as interesting as, say, Heath Ledger’s Joker, Jack Nicholson’s Joker or Gene Hackman’s Lex Luthor. Hell, even Mr. Freeze from Batman & Robin is remembered for all the  more than, say, Obadiah Stane from Iron Man, albeit for all the wrong reasons. So, in order to both celebrate the new movie, and to throw Marvel Studios a bone (To go along with billions of dollars in worldwide gross), I decided to count down my top 5 favourite MCU villains.

First of all though, I limited myself to only villains who were the main antagonist in one of their film appearances. Therefor, villains like the Abomination, the Mandarin and Nebula, who were being created or controlled by a “puppet master” for lack of a better term, are not included. All clear? Good. Let’s start with 5 and 4 on our list.

Also, I may possibly go into spoiler territory, so be aware of that.

5. Aldrich Killian

Winner of “Most Punchable Face” at the 2014 Academy Awards.

Appearance: Iron Man 3

Portrayed by: Guy Pearce

The founder of A.I.M. (Advanced Idea Mechanics), Aldrich Killian had the misfortune to be diagnosed with a debilitating disability. To overcome his handicap, he injects himself with a virus of his own creation, Extremis, which not only cures his disability, but ends up giving him heat-based superpowers. Instead of doing something awesome with that power…

Seen here: Doing something awesome with that power.

…Killian uses his high intellect to manipulate the Vice-president into doing… Well, something. I don’t remember shit about the whole conspiracy, and all I really remember from the movie was that there was  less to the Mandarin than you thought, Pepper Potts still sucks, and Shane Black has still got it.

Also, Robert Downey, Jr. called a young boy a pussy, so you know, that’s pretty awesome.

In all honesty, it was kind of a crapshoot for the number five spot between Thunderbolt Ross and Aldrich Killian for the fifth spot, but I finally went with Killian because of the reveal of just exactly how diabolical and complicated his power-grab was (I Google’d it between paragraphs). The problem is that he didn’t really do much to distinguish himself, even with his badass skill set, and, for fucks sake, he let Pepper Potts kill him. So, yeah, he barely gets on this list ahead of Thunderbolt Ross (Whom I barely remember) and Ronan (Who I’ll get into later).

To be continued…

 

Thor: The Dark World (Movie Review)

I was going to review Wes Anderson’s new movie, The Grand Budapest Hotel, for you guys, but apparently, the good people of Edmonton Alberta decided that today, of all days, was the perfect day, two weeks after the movies’ opening day, to wander over to Cineplex Odeon and fill up the goddamn theater to partake in the whimsical delight that is Wes Anderson (I assume. I’ve never actually seen a Wes Anderson movie before).

Which means I’m missing out on way more Bill Murray than is acceptable.

Anyways, since iTunes and credit cards are things that exist, I decided to catch up with the Marvel Cinematic Universe, with the next Captain America movie and Guardians of the Galaxy coming up. Time to bring the hammer down on Thor: The Dark World!

Get  it? ‘Cause he uses a hammer?

Ah, fuck it.

 Thor: The Dark World

  Directed by: Alan Taylor

  Produced by: Kevin Feige

  Written by: Christopher Yost, Christopher Markus,  Stephen      McFeely (Story by Don Payne and Robert Rodat)

  Based on: Thor by Stan Lee, Jack Kirby and Larry Lieber

Genres: Superhero, Fantasy

Starring: Chris Hemsworth, Natalie Portman, Tom Hiddleston, Anthony Hopkins, Stellan Skarsgård, Idris Elba, Christopher Eccleston. Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, Kat Dennings, Ray Stevenson, Zachary Levi, Tadanobu Asano, Jaimie Alexander, Rene Russo

Plot: Taking place two years after the events of Thor, and the title character (Hemsworth), accompanied by the Warriors Three (Stevenson, Levi and Asano) and Sif (Alexander) have just completed a campaign to pacify the nine realms of Asgard after they were destabilized following the destruction of Bifrost and the attempted alien invasion of New York, led by Thor’s step-brother, Loki (Hiddleston) in The Avengers. Loki has since been imprisoned by his adoptive father (And Thor’s biological father) Odin (Hopkins), the Allfather.

Meanwhile, on Earth, Dr. Jane Foster (Portman), Thor’s ex-flame, and her intern/best friend/effective comic relief, Darcy Lewis (Dennings) are in London, looking for their colleague, Dr. Erik Selvig (Skarsgård), who has been driven crazy by the experience of being possessed by Loki during The Avengers. While adventuring around London, they find an abandoned warehouse that houses several inter-dimensional portals. One such portal transports Jane to another world, where she is infected by the Aether, which is essentially a weapon of mass destruction in creepy liquid form. Her infection attracts the attention of Malekith the Accursed (Eccleston), a dark elf and ancient enemy of the Asgardians who aims to plunge the universe into darkness.

The plot sounds simple enough, but the reality is that it’s told in a way that had me kind of lost midway through. When the whole selling point of your movie is “Chris Hemsworth dresses up like a viking and beats the shit out of mythical creatures”, you don’t need to add a bunch of convoluted crap about the alignment of the realms, and then explain it in a way that bores and confuses me, to get me to watch your movie. But, as I just mentioned, this is not the case, and as a result, some parts (Cough cough, the climax) feel muddled and anti-climactic. It doesn’t help that a large part of the plot is built around a rather uninteresting villain in Malekith the Accursed.

Another plot problem is that the movie, at the beginning, tries to establish sort of a love triangle between Thor, Jane and Sif. The filmmakers went to the trouble of foreshadowing some sort of sexual tension, but we never hear about it again. What the hell was that all about?

While the cast does a great job, the one weak link among the whole bunch is Christopher Eccleston as Malekith. I’ve never seen an episode of Doctor Who in my life, but he didn’t exactly make a compelling case for my dropping Sword Art Online anytime soon.

Aside from Fullmetal Alchemist and Pokemon, it’s the only anime I’ve ever seen that doesn’t give off a rape-y vibe. Mostly.

Of course, it doesn’t help that his makeup looked like total shit.

Thankfully, the rest of the special effects are beyond phenomenal, especially the visuals of the city of Asgard. How this movie was excluded from the Oscar ballot in lieu of the Lone fucking Ranger  blows my goddamn mind.

Acting: Aside from Eccleston, the cast does a great job. Tom Hiddleston steals the show as Loki, who may be the best-written super-villain since Heath Ledger’s Joker. Chris Hemsworth is charismatic and fits the role of Thor like a giant, blond, muscular glove, and Natalie Portman has come another step closer towards erasing the memory of her role in the Star Wars prequels.

As much as one can try to forget, anyways.

What really made the characters shine is the dialogue, though. While the writers may have ignored minor details, such as a halfway understandable plot, but they nail the interactions between all the characters (Though, again, it helps that the actors did great jobs). the movie never really had a problem with tone, and managed to be sad, funny or tense whenever it needed to be, even avoiding the typical amounts of superhero cheese that comes with the territory of a movie like this.

Conclusion: I’d need to watch the first one again to decide whether I liked this one better or not, but what it lacks in terms of a coherent plot, it makes up for with its’ cast, dialogue, action scenes and especially the visual effects, and it all adds up to a very entertaining superhero flick.

Overall Rating: 7.5/10

Battle of the Superhero Film Franchises!!! (Part 1-Meet the Franchises!)

Well, I’d say that it’s a pretty great time to be a superhero fan.

During the gathering of nerds and cosplayers known as Comic-Con (A world I desperately want to be a part of) several superhero movies were presented to the ever-voracious nerd public. The films include the second Thor movie (Loved the first one), The Wolverine (Fuck the first one), Captain America: Winter Soldier, the second Amazing Spider-Man movie (Damn, another one?) , X-Men: Days of Future Past, Avengers: Age of Ultron (Oh God, yes!!!), the Superman/Batman movie (Nerdgasm achieved), and Guardians of the Galaxy, which I don’t know shit about except for the fact that there’s a talking raccoon involved. 

SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY!!!

That said, I got to wondering  about which superhero film franchises have been the most successful, both critically and commercially. So, I decided to rank thirteen franchises from worst to best in FOUR different categories, which are A) critical reception on Rotten Tomatoes, b) audience reception on Rotten Tomatoes, c) my opinion and d) the average commercial success per film of the series.

I define a franchise as being at least two confirmed films (For example, Kick-Ass would be considered a franchise because it has a released film and a confirmed film that has yet to be released. On the other hand, The Incredibles is not a franchise because at this point, any news of a sequel is just idle speculation. )

Well, fuck, I HOPE this is just speculation…

Anyways, let’s meet the franchises!

THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN

Superhero: Spider-Man/Peter Parker

Films: The Amazing Spider-Man (2012), The Amazing Spider-Man 2 (2014 ), The Amazing Spider-Man 3 (2016), The Amazing Spider-Man 4 (2018) Fuck, talk about getting ahead of yourself.

Directed By: Marc Webb

Stars: Andrew Garfield, Emma Stone, Martin Sheen, Sally Field, Rhys Ifans , Jamie Foxx , Dane DeHaan , Paul Giamatti , Denis Leary, Chris Zylka

Suggested Tagline: “Anybody want another Spider-Man series humping the still-warm corpse of the Sam Raimi series? No? Well fuck you, here it is anyways.”

BATMAN (BURTON/SCHUMACHER) 

Superhero: Batman/Bruce Wayne

Films: Batman (1989), Batman Returns (1992), Batman Forever (1995), Batman & Robin (1997)

Directed By: Tim Burton , Joel Schumacher

Stars: Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer, George Clooney, Jack Nicholson, Danny Devito, Michelle Pfeiffer, Christopher Walken, Tommy Lee Jones, Jim Carrey, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Uma Thurman, Chris O’Donnell, Michael Gough, Kim Basinger,  Nicole Kidman, Alicia Silverstone

Suggested Tagline: “Before there was Christian Bale… There were Bat-Nipples.”

“BAT-NIPPLES!?!?!”

BLADE

Blade movie.jpg

Superhero: Blade/Eric Brooks

Films: Blade (1998), Blade 2 (2002), Blade: Trinity (2004)

Directed By: Stephen Norrington, Guillermo del Toro, David S. Goyer

Stars: Wesley Snipes, Kris Kristofferson,  Stephen Dorff , Donal Logue , Ron Perlman, Leonor Varela, Thomas Kreschmann, Luke Goss, Dominic Purcell, Parker Posey, N’Bushe Wright, Jessica Biel, Ryan Reynolds

Suggested Tagline: I’ve actually never seen any of the Blade movies.

Ow! Stoppit! Are those rocks?! You’re hurting me!


THE DARK KNIGHT
 

Superhero: Batman/Bruce Wayne

Films: Batman Begins (2005), The Dark Knight (2008), The Dark Knight Rises (2012) 

Directed By: Christopher Nolan

Stars: Christian Bale, Michael Caine, Gary Oldman, Morgan Freeman, Liam Neeson, Cillian Murphy, Tom Wilkinson, Heath Ledger, Aaron Eckhart, Anne Hathaway, Tom Hardy, Marion Cotillard, Katie Holmes, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Suggested Tagline: “I’m the goddamn BATMAN, motherfucker!”

“You tell ’em, unhinged sadistic psychopath Batman!”

FANTASTIC FOUR 

Oh boy, here we go…

Superheroes: Mr. Fantastic/Reed Richards, Invisible Woman/Susan Storm, The Thing/Ben Grimm, Human Torch/Johnny Storm

Films: Fantastic Four (2005), Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer  (2007)

Director: Tim Story

Stars: Ioan Gruffudd,  Jessica Alba, Chris Evans, Michael Chiklis, Julian McMahon, Doug Jones, Laurence Fishburne (Voice Only), Kerry Washington

Suggested Tagline: “Fine, YOU try designing the Thing realistically, assholes!”

GHOST RIDER 

One would think you couldn’t possibly fuck this movie up, but one would be wrong.

Superhero: Ghost Rider/Johnny Blaze

Films: Ghost Rider (2007), Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance (2012)

Director: Mark Steven Johnson, Neveldine/Taylor

Stars: Nicolas Cage, Peter Fonda, Wes Bentley, Johnny Whitworth, Ciaran Hinds, Eva Mendes, Violante Placido, Sam Elliott , Idris Elba

Suggested Tagline: “Yes, The Wicker Man did teach us nothing. So what?”

“Hell yes, this is the guy we want playing evil’s bane.”

HELLBOY

Superhero: Hellboy

Films: Hellboy (2004), Hellboy 2: The Golden Army (2008)

Director: Guillermo del Toro

Stars: Ron Perlman, Selma Blair, Doug Jones, John Hurt, Karel Roden, Jeffrey Tambor, Seth MacFarlane (Voice), Luke Goss, Anna Walton

Suggested Tagline: “What do you mean “Is Dark Horse still around?”‘

KICK-ASS 

Superheroes: Kick-Ass/Dave Lizewski, Hit Girl/Mindy MacReady, Big Daddy/Damon MacReady, Colonel Stars and Stripes

Films: Kick-Ass (2008), Kick-Ass 2 (2013)

Director: Matthew Vaughn, Jeff Wadlow

Stars: Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Chloe Grace Moretz, Nicolas Cage, Mark Strong, Jim Carrey

Suggested Tagline: “Ten year olds committing mass murder? Bring that shit on.”

Roman Polanski is shitting himself in fear right about now.

MAN OF STEEL

Superheroes: Superman/Clark Kent, Batman/Bruce Wayne

Films: Man of Steel (2013), Batman Vs. Superman (2015)

Director: Zack Snyder

Stars: Henry Cavill, Amy Adams, Michael Shannon, Diane Lane, Kevin Costner, Laurence Fishburne, Antje Traue, Ayelet Zurer, Christopher Meloni, Russell Crowe

Suggested Tagline: “Fine, we’ll add Batman. You fuckers interested yet?”

MARVEL CINEMATIC UNIVERSE 

Superheroes: Iron Man/Tony Stark, Hulk/Bruce Banner, Thor, Captain America/Steve Rogers, War Machine/James Rhodes, Black Widow/Natasha Romanoff, Hawkeye/Clint Barton, Ant-Man/Hank Pym, Nick Fury

Films: Iron Man (2008), The Incredible Hulk (2008), Iron Man 2 (2010), Thor (2011), Captain America: The First Avenger (2011), The Avengers (2012), Iron Man 3 (2013), Thor: The Dark World (2013), Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014), Guardians of the Galaxy (2014), The Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015), Ant-Man (2015)

Directors: Jon Favreau, Louis Leterrier, Kenneth Branagh, Joe Johnston, Joss Whedon, Shane Black, Alan Taylor, Joe and Anthony Russo, James Gunn, Edgar Wright

Stars: Robert Downey Jr., Chris Evans, Chris Hemsworth, Scarlett Johansson, Jeremy Renner, Edward Norton, Mark Ruffalo, Samuel L. Jackson, Terrence Howard, Don Cheadle, Chris Pratt, Zoe Saldana, Dave Bautista, Lee Pace, Djimon Hounsou, Tom Hiddleston, Jeff Bridges, Tim Roth, William Hurt, Mickey Rourke, Sam Rockwell, Hugo Weaving, Ben Kingsley, Guy Pierce, Rebecca Hall, Stephanie Szostak, James Bridge Dale, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, Frank Grillo, Georges St.Pierre, Benicio del Toro, Clark Gregg, Jon Favreau, Ty Burrell, Tim Blake Nelson, Anthony Hopkins, Stellan Skarsgard, Idris Elba, Ray Stevenson, Tadanobu Asano, Joshua Dallas, Jamie Alexander, Sebastian Stan, Tommy Lee Jones, Dominic Cooper, Neal McDonough, Stanley Tucci, Cobie Smulders, Zachary Levi, Rene Russo, Emily VanCamp, Anthony Mackie, John C. Reily, Robert Redford, Glenn Close, Gwyneth Paltrow, Liv Tyler, Natalie Portman, Hayley Atwell,

Suggested Tagline: “We just really, really hate people who work at movie theaters.”

“Fuck you and fuck your post-credits scenes! Some of us need to clean this shithole of a theater!”

SPIDER-MAN 

Superhero: Spider-Man/Peter Parker

Films: Spider-Man (2002), Spider-Man 2 (2004), Spider-Man 3 (2007)

Directed by: Sam Raimi

Stars: Tobey Maguire, Kirsten Dunst, James Franco, Rosemary Harris, Willem Dafoe, Alfred Molina, Thomas Haden Church, Topher Grace, Rosemary Harris, Cliff Robertson, J.K. Simmons, Bryce Dallas Howard

Suggested Tagline: “Fuck it, let’s throw ALL the villains into one movie. What could possibly go wrong?”

SUPERMAN

Films: Superman (1978), Superman 2 (1980), Superman 3 (1983), Superman 4: The Quest for Peace (1987), Superman Returns (2006)

Directed By: Richard Donner, Richard Lester, Sidney J. Furie

Stars: Christopher Reeve, Brandon Routh, Gene Hackman, Kevin Spacey, Margot Kidder, Terence Stamp, Marlon Brando

Suggested Tagline: “Just try not to stare too much at the codpiece while the theme music is playing.”

X-MEN

Superheroes: No way I’m listing all of these guys. After the MCU? No way.

Films: X-Men (2000), X2 (2003), X-Men: The Last Stand (2006), X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009), X-Men: First Class (2011), The Wolverine (2013), X-Men: Days of Future Past (2014)

Directed by: Bryan Singer, Brett Ratner (Booo!!!), Gavin Hood, Matthew Vaughn, James Mangold

Stars: Oh, fuck you.

Tune in soon for my rankings. Or to mock me for not being at Comic-Con. Either one.