OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD!!!!!!!! IT’S BACK!!!!!!! PRAISE JEEBUS, IT’S BACK!!!!!
You may not have guessed, but I’m excited for Game of Thrones. It is probably my all-time favourite TV show, ahead of such masterpieces as Breaking Bad, Avatar: The Last Airbender and Pokemon: Indigo League.
Since the fifth season premiered on Monday, I’ve decided to do a fairly quick review and recap of each episode. Or, rather, every scene from the episode (Since I’m gonna be here all fucking day if I try to repeat what I did when I tried to review Gotham and Flash).
Also, this will have SPOILERS, so if you haven’t watched the episode or caught up, I encourage you to do so and will accept zero responsibility if details get spoiled for you.
..Yeah. That’s it. Let’s get going.
25 Years Ago
A young blonde girl and her friend visit a fortune teller. But who is this mysterious girl? Perhaps her dialogue will give us some hint of – Oh, she’s being an entitled bitch? Then it’s probably Cersei.
Cersei demands to know her future (Which, as we know, always ends well), and, after a pretty bizarre ritual that involves a grown woman sucking on a 12-year old’s bleeding finger, the fortune teller tells Cersei that she will marry not the prince, but the king (Check), she will have three children while the king will have twenty (Check), and while all of her children will wear golden crowns, they will die in golden shrouds (I’m fine with 1/3 of that part coming true, frankly).
Finally, the fortune teller foresees that Cersei will eventually be cast out by a younger, more beautiful queen, which is a bit Snow White-esque, but whatever, make it happen, Margaery!
In the Sept of Baelor, Cersei and Jaime Lannister pay their respects to their dead asshole of a father, who is sporting the always popular “stone eyeball” look.
Cersei chastises Jaime for letting Tyrion escape from prison, which, awesomely, led to Tywin’s murder. Jaime looks mopey, but doesn’t do or say all that much, as the writers probably caught wind of the fan reaction to his previous hijinks at a family member’s grave.
At the wake, Cersei meets her ex-lover/cousin, Lancel (The curly-haired little shit who was Robert Baratheon’s squire), who has joined a religious cult known as the Sparrows. During their conversation, it is heavily suggested that Lancel poisoned Robert’s wine under Cersei’s orders way the hell back in season one. Cersei denies this but, honestly, if Cersei isn’t at the very top of your list of suspects, then you haven’t been paying attention.
Elsewhere, Cersei’s fiancee, Ser Loras Tyrell hangs out with his boyfriend (There’s a hackneyed joke about marriage somewhere in there) and is maybe plotting with Margaery to kill Cersei? Sure, why not!!!???
Tyrion Lannister and Varys arrive in Pentos after hightailing it out of there. Tyrion has looked better both physically and mentally, having sunk into a drunken depression (Admittedly, I’d feel pretty shitty about myself after strangling my traitorous ex-girlfriend after learning she was schtupping my dad, who I then murdered on the john). Varys reveals that he has been supporting Daenarys Targaryen’s claim to the throne, to virtually no one’s surprise. After much delicious verbal sparring, Tyrion agrees to go meet the Khaleesi (Is she still being called that?).
One of the Unsullied, expecting a nice, relaxing, uh, lullaby with a hooker gets his throat cut by said hooker, as a fucking creepy masked figure watches on.
Meanwhile, Dani is taking a page from the ISIS textbook by destroying the giant idol on the city’s pyramid. That’ll probably end well for her.
To her credit, she denies the Masters of Yunkai’s request to bring back the fighting arenas. Then, she allows Recast McFuckface to change her mind after he gives her some sob story about him growing up there. Fuck Daario Naharis. I hope the creepy mask guy gets him next.
At Daario’s suggestion, Dani tries to reconnect with her two dragons, who she’s kept locked up in a dark, dank underground area for god knows how long. The reunion goes about as well as one would expect.
In the Vale
Ha. Robin Arryn fucking sucks.
Also, Sansa, Littlefinger, something something.
At the Wall
Melisandre summons Jon Snow, although not for a creepy religious fuckfest, thank god. No, instead, she takes him to her
pawn liege, Stannis Baratheon, who commisions him to try to convince Mance Rayder, the imprisoned leader of the wildlings, to help him re-take the North from the Boltons. As one would expect, Rayder tells him to go fuck himself in the most respectful, yet also badass way possible.
As is par for the course at this point, Mance is sentenced to be burned alive in a religious ritual that is pretty disturbing, given how much I came to care for the guy in the episode. Thankfully, Jon, being the beautiful, beautiful man that he is, grants him a quick, painless death via arrow to the heart.
Overall: If you’ve been following Game of Thrones since the beginning, you know that some episodes, while still great, are more or less only there to build up the events to come. This is one of them.