The (Belated) Obligatory New Year Post

Happy 2014, everybody! I hope all your hangovers have cleared up by now!

2013 was a, well, let’s say an interesting year. From Syria to Rob Ford to Miley Cyrus to the NSA, it seemed like there was never a dull moment.

There were, however, several horrifying and confusing ones.

How did I spend my New Years’ Eve, you ask? Did I spend New Year’s Eve in Cuba, welcoming 2014 with a back massage on some idyllic paradise of a resort? Or did I go to some gathering with my family? Or, considering that I’m a wild and crazy seventeen year old kid, did I go to some house party, chug copious amounts of alcohol, pot and/or ecstasy before puking up my guts and passing out shortly after grinding a lamppost in front of all my friends? No. None of these. Especially not the last one.

“Man, you’re justa….just-…just a fuckin’ hater, man…’

I spent New Years Eve finishing off yesterday’s post  and watching Animaniacs reruns. I maintain that there is no better way to spend New Years Eve.

On an unrelated note, Rule 34 is a bitch when you’re just trying to find a goddamn Animaniacs logo. It’s a sick, sick world.

I’m not one for New Year’s Resolutions, because I’ve always seen them as setting yourself up for failure. Especially for a slacker who’s all set to congratulate himself for waking up in the morning without suffocating himself on his pillow.

Pillows: Soft and downy, yet, brutal and efficient.

Nonetheless, I did make myself a short list of resolutions to try to commit to in 2014. They are as follows:

  1. Be less socially awkward. It’s kind of general and boring, I know, but there are only so much times one can tolerate being wished a Happy New Year and impulsively responding with “Thanks! I hope you don’t get cancer and die this year!”
  2. Learn Portuguese and German. I already speak English (Duh), Spanish (Thanks to my Salvadoran-Canadian upbringing) and French (Thanks to the Edmonton Public School’s French Immersion program). However, I’ve always wanted to learn more languages, if for no other reason than to be able to communicate with locals during my future international book tours. Honestly though, I really want to actually learn more languages. Portuguese, because it’s a good starting point, being so similar to Spanish, and German, because I heard before I started to learn it that it’s extremely similar to English. Whoever told me that is a dirty liar.
  3. Maintain an “A” average (80%). It’s currently hovering around the high seventies.
  4. Get through the giant-ass pile of books on my desk that has been there since last Christmas. The sad thing is, most of them are Spider-Man comics.
  5. Do at least one hundred blog posts this year. Recently, I’ve been pretty damn inconsistent when it comes to blogging, which is a shame, because I really love doing it and want to write as a career eventually. So this year, I want to do at least one hundred posts (This would be my second one), and hopefully, hone my abilities so I don’t have to rely on a snarky pop culture-related caption to get a cheap laugh.

Bieber. Douchebag. Stupid. Funny. You laugh now.

For now, though, I wish everyone a Happy 2014.

I hope none of you get cancer and die this year.

Since my last post…

  • The Philippines continue to deal with the aftermath of typhoon Haiyan, which has affected 11 million people.
  • The situation in Syria is still a total clusterfuck, with the Iranian Embassy in Lebanon being bombed by the fundamentalist Abdullah Azzam Shaheed Brigade. The good news, however, is that the UN is moving forward with the destruction of Syria’s chemical weapons, meaning that both Bashar al-Assad and the Free Syrian Army can both haphazardly murder civilians without resorting to chemical weapons. Let freedom ring!
  • The Saskatchewan Roughriders defeated the Hamilton Tiger-Cats 45-23 to win the 101st Grey Cup. Fuck you, this is news in Canada.
  • A supermarket in Riga, Latvia collapsed, killing six and injuring 35.
  • Everybody’s spying on everybody, with the NSA just generally being total assholes and spying on anybody with a pulse, and Australia and Canada spying on two known rogue nations, Indonesia and Brazil.

Although the pervert in me realizes the logic of setting up surveillance cameras in Brazil.

  • The 50th anniversary of JFK’s murder came and went.
  • Angola may or may not have illegalized the Islamic religion. Considering that Angola is not currently a smoking crater in the ground, I’m moderately sure the latter is the truth.
  • Protests in the Ukraine rage on against the suspension of the European Union Association Agreement, and the rampant unemployment and corruption characteristic of post-Soviet republics. The Ukrainian police and government, being corrupt and trigger-happy, injure 165-244 Ukrainians.
  • The Hunger Games: Catching Fire becomes the biggest North American November film release, grossing $161 million in the U.S. and Canada over its first weekend. The movie’s amazing. Go see it.
  • Ian Watkins, the frontman of Welsh rock band LostProphets, pleads guilty at Cardiff Crown Court  to attempted rape and sexual assault of a child under 13, but not guilty to rape. This was accepted by the prosecution. He further pleaded guilty to three counts of sexual assault involving children and six involving taking, making or possessing indecent images of children and one of possessing an extreme pornographic image involving a sex act on an animal. Watkins’ victims included a baby. The world is a dark, unfeeling, evil place, kids!
  • The Canadian  Prime Minister’s Office is all but proven guilty of bribing senators. What is this, Ukraine or something?
  • The Fast and the Furious actor Paul Walker is killed in a car crash. Pointing out the irony of the previous statement, while humorous, does not make you any less of an asshole.
  • The Thai Prime Minister is forced into hiding by anti-government protests.
  • Gay marriage is outlawed in Croatia, with 65 per cent voting for illegalizing it. 65 per cent of Croatians suck.
  • Holy crap, a nuclear deal between Iran and everybody else was signed! (Nobody tell them about Argo)
  • Xavier Bettel becomes the first openly gay prime minister of Luxembourg.
  • Unidentified militants murder 52 people in Sana’a, Yemen.
  • Oh. Right. Lest we forget, Canada’s biggest city has a morbidly obese alcoholic crackhead for a mayor.