Game of Thrones- Season 5, Episode 10: Mother’s Mercy

MERCY!?!?!?!?!

My life since five o’clock Monday has been an endless string of heartbreak and disappointment. After I got home, I turned on the Blue Jays game, hoping to see them continue a eleven-game win streak.

They blew it in the eleventh inning.

Then, I watched Team Canada play the Netherlands in the Women’s World Cup.

The Dutch scored in the last ten minutes to tie it.

I watched Nintendo’s E3 Digital Event, where they announced a new Metroid Prime game!!!

Except it looks like a generic space shooter piece of shit that doesn’t even have Samus Aran.

And then, I got to watching this latest Game of Thrones episode.

After it ended, I promptly turned off the TV, quietly returned to my room, stared at my House Stark shirt for a while, and blew my brains out.

SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT

Winterfell

Stannis Baratheon’s sacrifice of his daughter has had a mixed effect on the war effort. On one hand, the weather has improved noticeably, meaning that Stannis will have no trouble marching on Winterfell. On the other hand, half of his army and the entire cavalry have deserted, because, as it turns out, burning your daughter at the stake to appease a demon-god isn’t exactly all that encouraging to an army fighting for your right to the throne of a country. .

“Yeah, these seems like the actions of the guy we want as the king of seven kingdoms.”- Insane people.

Also, his creepy wife has hanged herself, And Melisandre has fled, because she’s just a coward, when it comes down to it. Despite all these monumental setbacks, Stannis decides to march on Winterfell, because if I was gradually realizing what a stupid, horrible, irredeemable human being I was, I would probably have a death wish too. It goes about as well as one would expect.

Meanwhile, in Winterfell, Sansa escapes her room while Ramsey is off at the battle. She lights the signal for help from Brienne and Podrick (Who juuuuuuuuuust miss her, of course), but is caught by Reek and Myranda, the latter of whom threatens to mutilate her until Reek, hopefully beginning the long road to redemption, shoves her off the ramparts so we can see her crazy psycho head crack open on the cold ground below. When they notice that the Bolton army is returning to Winterfell, Sansa and Theon…. Jump off the castle walls…?

Sure, that seems survivable……Maybe?

Anyway, Stannis is wandering half-dead in the forest, still somehow murdering the shit out of Bolton until he collapses against a tree. Then Brienne appears and…Yeah. Another one bites the dust.

Somebody should get on a “Another One Bites the Dust”/Game of Thrones crossover video, by the way.

I guess there is the small possibility that he is alive, just because they never actually showed him getting offed, and they’ve never been big on cliffhangers, but… I wouldn’t bet on it.

Shit, for all we know, Sansa and Theon are dead or crippled at the bottom of the castle walls.

..Maybe the next segment won’t be so depressing?

King’s Landing

Ugh…

Cersei confesses her sins to the High Sparrow, admitting to having sex with Lancel, her cousin, but not with Jaime. The Sparrow says that she still has to stand trial for the crimes she denied, but that he will grant her the Mother’s Mercy and allow her to go back to the Red Keep…. On foot, escorted by the Faith Militant, with her hair chopped off and naked, with the unwashed masses screaming abuse at her.

I’m at the point with Cersei that I think I’ve gotten all the joy I can from Cersei’s misery. I legitimately felt bad for her this time around, if only because I hope that this is the next step towards her redemption, but knowing Cersei, she’s probably gonna start drowning puppies and staking the hearts of orphans the minute she stops crying. Or, at the latest, when she learns what went down in Dorne.

Oh, also, The Mountain is apparently Frankenstein. Joy.

Spain Dorne

After a goodbye kiss with Ellaria Sand (I love Dorne), Myrcella and Jaime chat with each other on the boat. During this conversation, Myrcella reveals that she knows that Jaime is actually her father as well as her uncle, which was actually a really touching scene, for one that centres around incest, and throws another wrench into what was already a really complicated fam-OH MY GOD, ELLARIA, YOU FUCKING BITCH. 

Shit, talk about salvaging a storyline at the last minute!

I guess that leaves Tommen as the last of Cersei and Jaime’s kids. What reputations for Tommen to live up to: a weird-looking psychopathic brat, and an amorous tween who got murdered by a vengeful Spaniard.

Oh, shit….She got Inigo Montoya’d!

Braavos

Oh, Jesus, what the hell did happen in Braavos?

Well, I do know that Arya sliced the absolute shit out of Meryn Trant. That was awesome. I don’t care if it was essentially torture porn, I enjoyed every minute of it.

Then, Arya goes back to the House of Black and White, and this is when things got a little confusing for my primitive lizard brain. So, Jaqen is mad at her for killing Trant instead of the Thin Man, and he’s about to kill her because “a life for a life” ‘n shit, then he kills himself instead of her, and then the blind girl turns into Jaqen, which is weird, and then the dead guy is No One, which is already an abstract concept, and does that mean that Jaqen is the Many-Faced God oh, god, I’m so confused and Oh shit Arya, what the fuck is happening to your eyes?!?!?!

Meereen 

Team-up time! Yaaaaaayyyy I love team-up time!!!!

And Varys! Yaaaaayyyy! I don’t completely despise Varys!

The Wall

….Fuck Olly and fuck his dead parents.

Overall: …………….Ugh…….It’s still a great episode, but….Ugh.

Rating: 8/10

So, I’m planning a more formal (Well, for me) review of the entire season, but it probably won’t be out for a couple of weeks, as I wanted to review Inside Out this weekend without worrying about another big review, and, while I am moderately excited for Ted 2, it’s not that big a movie for me, so, yeah. The Season 5 review is coming in two weeks. Be there or…..I don’t know, don’t I guess. God, I’m dead inside.

Ugh, fuck you Olly. Just fucking die already.

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Game of Thrones- Season 5, Episode 9: The Dance of Dragons (SPOILER Review/Recap)

OH, FOR FUCK’S SAKE, STAN.

Welp. Don’t I look like an overly optimistic fool now?

Braavos

LanArya is about to fulfill her mission of assassinating the Thin Man when she gets distracted by another prospective target: Meryn Trant, the Kingsguard (And noted shitheel) who murdered Syrio Forel (Google him) back in season 1, when we all still had a modicum of faith left in humanity.

“What? They’re not gonna kill off the main character! Especially when that character is Sean Bean! Be serious!”

In retrospect, that should’ve been our first hint.

Anyways, she immediately forgets about the Thin Man and follows Trant around Braavos, where he is currently escorting noted buffoon Mace Tyrell, who is supposed to be negotiating a new deal with the Iron Bank of Braavos. but who seems to be busy making a complete and utter ass of himself. After ditching Bumblefuck Tyrell, Trant, closely followed by LanArya, makes his way to a brothel (As idle men tend to do in this show). There, he reveals that he, like every other fucking person in this goddamn show, is into some really gross sexual stuff, because of course he is.

Upon arriving back at the House of Black and White, Arya tells Jaqen that the Thin Man wasn’t hungry today, and that she’ll do the job tomorrow. Jaqen appears to buy that excuse. If you think that he actually did believe her, then I have some MySpace stock to sell you.

Can you buy stock in a social networking site? Eh, fuck it, moving on.

The Wall

Oh, fuck off with your dead family, Olly. Nobody cares anymore.

Also, Alliser’s still a giant dickhead. Shocking, I know.

The North

Despite all my hopes, prayers, and sacrifices to Cthulu, Ramsay’s guerilla attacks against Stannis are proving to be quite effective. Realizing that there’s no way that his troops survive the winter, Stannis sends Ser Davos to Castle Black in order to get help from Jon Snow. Ser Davos leaves after an adorable storyline with Princess Shireen, and Stannis visits her soon after to participate in another heartwarming father-daughter-

..

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU HAD IT!!!! YOU HAD MY GOODWILL!!! AND WHAT DID YOU DO?!?!?! YOU BURNED A FUCKING TWELVE-YEAR OLD TO DEATH?!?!?! EAT A DICK STANNIS, WE’RE FUCKING DONE!!! FUCK YOU!!!! I HOPE YOU, YOUR CREEPY FUCKING WIFE AND YOUR DISGUSTING RED DRESS FUCK-BUDDY CTHULU BITCH ROT IN HELL!! 

I mean, first kill the Boltons and save Sansa, if need be, but afterwards EAT A MILLION SWAMP RAT RECTUMS AND DIE, YOU INHUMAN FUCK!!!!

Spain Dorne

Not gonna lie, that felt good. I should go completely unhinged more often. If only nobody had to die for that to happen. And what am I gonna do when Game of Thrones is over? My random murder quota is already so high!

Eh. A man’s work is never done, I guess.

Where was I? Oh, right, this surprisingly slow storyline.

To its credit, this storyline wasn’t all that bad to me, even if 80% of the dialogue from Elia Martell and the Sand Snakes sounded like recycled and modified Inigo Montoya dialogue.

Plus boobs.

Any flaws in the character development are made excusable by the fact that it’s nice to have a storyline that doesn’t end in just the worst way possible, with nobody dying except a ship captain and some miscellaneous Dornish guards, and who cares about them? It’s not like they’re people, or anything.

Stormtrooper logic people, stormtrooper logic.

Meereen

Daenarys and her posse are witnessing Opening Day at Daznak’s Pit, which is kind of like Opening Day at Yankee Stadium, but in this case, the Yankees are all getting brutally decapitated. A boy can dream, can’t he?

Anyways, Daenarys, Hizdahr, Missandei, Tyrion and Recast McFuckface engage in verbal sparring that makes heretofore unsuccessful writers like myself want to give up and leave it to the professionals. It’s so amazing and funny, and if I can ever write something half as good as the dialogue here, then I will feel complete in life.

After the first match is ended in a darkly hilarious matter, Jorah steps into the ring, and begins fighting in a terrific battle royale against some sword fodder, much to Dany and Tyrion’s shock. After Jorah dispatches them, he throws his spear into Dany’s booth… And hits a Son of the Harpy who was trying cut Dany’s throat!

The initial shock of seeing this is compounded upon when members of the audience put on masks and start cutting people’s throats. Our heroes all have some moments of badassery, Recast racks up a kill count (I’ve been rough on him this season. Whatever, he’s cool, I just think he’s kind of a dick), Tyrion kills a S.O.H. who’s trying to kill Missandei, and Hizdahr dies horrib- oh, wait.

The posse wanders into the middle of the coliseum for…reasons, when they are surrounded by the horned freaks when suddenly….. Dragon ex machina!!!!

“Surprise, motherfuckers!!!”

Dany then flies off with Drogon, leaving her posse staring in awe…. Before presumably being brutally murdered by the surviving Sons of the Harpy.

Overall: After last episode, Game of Thrones has gone back into no-holds-barred misery mode. Ah, well, the relative peace was fun while it lasted.

Rating: 9.5/10

Wait a minute… I was only one day late posting this thing? This calls for a celebration! Let’s go out and set things on fire, you guys!

Oh…. Too soon….

My Game of Thrones Death List (Part 1 of 3)

Can you imagine how much more disturbing this would be if this death list was comprised of real people?

DISCLAIMER: Game of Thrones spoilers lay ahead. If you haven’t caught up with the rest of us, then a) seriously reconsider your life choices and b) read a different post on my wonderful blog. I can’t even type that without snickering. 

Also, I haven’t read the novels, so don’t spoil anything for me, pretty please. 

Sunday night was the season premiere of what is currently the best show on television bar none, Game of Thrones. Being an extremely intense fan of the show, I tend to go a little bit overboard with my GOT fandom. I have been known to spend several hours finding online quizzes to determine which noble family I would belong to. I think most of the quizzes placed me in house  Arryn. I’m not sure how I feel about that.

Lisa Tully and Robin Arryn aren’t the most appealing relatives, truth be told.

Anyways, since I recently watched the infamous “Red Wedding” episode in order to catch up, I, overcome with intensity and emotion following the callous murder of  some of my favourite characters (Damn you, George R.R. Martin!!!), I stole a page from Kill Bill and made a list of characters that I hope die this season because, well, they’re just awful, awful people. Obviously, these characters aren’t gonna be killed off, because they’re all fantastic characters and the show would become about a million times less interesting, but nonetheless, here’s my Game of Thrones death list.

Melisandre

Also known as “The Red Woman”, the “Lady of Light” and “Shadow Demon Vagina Wench”.

House: N/A

Allegiance: Stannis Baratheon

One of the lessons I’ve taken away from Game of Thrones is to never trust deeply religious gingers.

Melisandre is the creepy companion of the One True King, Stannis Baratheon (Who, unfortunately, is also unhinged) and is convinced that he is the chosen one who will convert the Westerosi people to into followers of R’hllor, the Lord of Light, of whom she is a devout follower. Now, I’m all for people being religious if it improves them as human beings and if they don’t screw with anybody else’s business. Melisandre, however, is clearly not of the “live and let die” persuasion, forcibly converting Stannis’ men and his wife, beginning an affair with Stannis (His wife is completely okay with it, but his wife’s also an insane hermit who keeps stillborn fetuses in jars) and, most weirdly, giving birth to some sort of shadow demon that murders Stannis’ brother and challenger to the Iron Throne, Renly Baratheon.

She is crazy, ruthless, manipulative, and is completely in favour of murdering innocents if she thinks it’ll further the Lord of Light’s cause. She’s gotta go.

Gregor Clegane

Also known as “The Mountain That Rides”, which, if nothing else, makes me feel really sorry for his horse.

House: Lannister bannerman

Allegiance: Joffrey Baratheon

Truth be told, we haven’t actually seen too, too much of Gregor Clegane, but we have heard some pretty awful stories about him massacring Elia Martell’s children before raping and murdering her, disfiguring his younger brother Sandor as a child, attempting to murder Ser Loras for beating him in a joust (Though he did decapitate his horse in a fit of rage) and slaughtering the Stark prisoners at Harrenhall.

Lord knows that I’m not the biggest fan of “The Hound” (Although he is growing on me), but his brother is much, much worse.  I, for one, hope Oberyn Martell takes sweet, sweet revenge on this psychotic piece of shit.

And speaking of psychotic pieces of shit…

Ramsay Snow

Anybody else think he looks like a sociopathic hobbit? Just me? Alright, moving on then.

House: Bolton

Allegiance: Joffrey Baratheon

The illegitimate son of the coward, Roose Bolton, Ramsay Snow didn’t really look like much other than a deadly archer who looked like he was going to save Theon Greyjoy (A shoo-in for this list if I didn’t feel so sorry for him) from his rapist torturers, whom Ramsay killed mercilessly. However, as it turned out, Snow was his captor, and imprisons him once again, this time personally torturing the would-be conqueror, flaying him alive, beating him until he calls himself “Reek” and, worst of all, cutting off his Theon’s dick and mailing it to his family in the Iron Islands, which prompts Yara Greyjoy’s rescue mission.

I could almost tolerate his massacre of the Ironborn, because they were such shitheads, but he also burnt down Winterfell (And murdered the Ironborn) for no apparent reason other than the fact that he gets off on it, or something. The North will never be safe as long as this twerp is still breathing.

To be continued…