Mighty Marvel Movie Month

My alliteration game is off the goddamn charts.

For the past week or so, I had been suffering through the worst case of artistic blue balls that I’ve had since I started to write somewhat consistently. Nothing I was drafting, aside from my pretty damn good critique of Boyhood (Humility is not one of my more prominent qualities)  was amounting to much more than a mediocre rough draft in my notepad, and the only things I was posting semi-consistently were frigging quotes, which, again, I really shouldn’t be using to replace original content.

So, I decided to retreat to my mind palace and figure out just what exactly the hell I was going to do next. None of the movies coming out interest me in particular, Game of Thrones isn’t till April, DeathMatches take too long to set up…. I guess the new Avengers movie is coming out soon, so I could do some Marvel-related thing, but what, exactly? It’s a little early to do a Top 10 Marvel Whatever list, and  think everybody and their moose have made a Top 10 superhero list…

And then, it hit me like Suge Knight. A stroke of genius unlike the world has ever seen before. What is it, you ask?  Well, for the next month or so, until the release of Avengers: Age of Ultron, I will review every single Marvel Cinematic Universe movie that I haven’t already reviewed.

…At least, that was my original idea.

See, there aren’t quite that much Marvel Cinematic Universe movies as it can sometimes feel like, and I’ve already reviewed a fair bit of them. So, the next logical step?

Review every single movie starring Marvel characters, obviously, be they MCU or not.

Before starting, for those of you about to claim hat I’m ripping off CineMassacre’s Monster Madness and Nostalgia Critic’s Disneycember (Albeit, with the written word)… You’re right. I thought it was a cool idea, and I decided to do something similar with something I really care about, specifically, a bunch of costumed Ubermensch saving the world from the greatest threats humanity’s ever seen.

Of course, by “the world”, I mean “New York”.

The only problem with this? There are a goddamn ton of these movies, and there are only so many days until Avengers 2, with so many hours of free time at my disposal. So, I won’t see movies that I have already reviewed (Guardians of the Galaxy, Days of Future Past, etc.). Not only that, but I’m only reviewing movies that had a theatrical wide release (No animated movies, no serials, etc.) as well as only movies that are based off of characters from the main Marvel comics imprint. That means no Kick-Ass (Which is published by Icon) or Men in Black (Aircel Comics). If this upsets you, then a) you get upset at strange things, and b) bite me. It still adds up to 32 movies, what more do you want from me!?

My first review, being of the first ever movie based off of a Marvel character, should be out within the next day or two, and, surprisingly enough, this film does not start one of Marvel’s ticket characters, but instead stars an obscure hero known as… Wait, what does that say? Howard the-

…. Oh no.

God help us all.

How my Movie Ratings work

I haven’t posted anything in a while, mainly because I’ve been extremely busy with both studying for my final exams and dealing with crippling writers’ block. In the meantime, here’s a quick explanation of the scale I use to review movies. Not exactly riveting, I suppose, but I find that forcing myself to write some mindless filer is a fine way to round myself back into mediocre form.

I’m sure (Insert popular celebrity’s name here) would agree.

Hey,  I said I had writer’s block, didn’t I?

Anyways, let’s start from the top, shall we?

10/10 (My Highest Possible Recommendation)

Notable examples: Pulp Fiction, The Empire Strikes Back, Citizen Kane, The Shawshank Redemption, The Godfather.

There is no such thing as a perfect movie, but these movies are the closest possible things to perfection. Not only should every moviegoer see these films, regardless of whether it’s their preferred genre or not, but they should also be shown in elementary school, so kids learn what can be the result when one strives for excellence.

Short answer: Headshots.

9/10, 9.5/10 (Classic)

Notable examples: The Dark Knight, Jurassic Park, Lion King, Terminator 2: Judgment Day, Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Sure, these movies may not be quite as good as those in the aforementioned category, as they may suffer from minor problems such as small plot holes, slip-ups in tone and dialogue, or children…

*Shudder*

…But these problems can be easily overlooked, and overall, these movies could still be considered some of the best in their genre.

8/10, 8.5/10 (Pretty Damn Great)

Notable Examples: Kick-Ass, Donnie Darko, Pacific Rim

While an 8/10 movie is still an A-list title and does much more good than bad, its flaws are much more pronounced than in the superior categories (It could be a combination of minor flaws or one big honking eyesore of a flaw), and it may only interest fans of the genre. Most people will enjoy it though, and any filmmaker would be proud to be involved in a movie like this.

7/10, 7.5/10 (Solid)

Does anybody even read these?

This rating is officially when some aspects of the movie start to negatively impact my enjoyment of it. It’s still a good movie, and most people would be entertained with it, but it still has a couple of major flaws that may drive other people away. However, it could also be a movie that aims low, but hits surprisingly high (A la RED).

6, 6.5/10 (Meh)

Goddamn. Talk about mismarketing.

Maybe this movie has something interesting to offer, but the finished product is just mediocre. It likely does have several positive elements, but they’re more or less cancelled out by elements that are mediocre or just plain bad. Fanboys might be fine with it, and the Academy has been known to give nominations to “Meh” movies, but the rest of us probably won’t be too wild about it.

5, 5.5/10 (Your Movie Sucks)

Somebody needs to explain to me why everyone thought this movie was so great. It infuriated me to no end.

These are some of the most forgettable movies around, as they are pretty much unspecial in every sense of the word. While a “meh” movie might have more positive than negatives (Albeit barely) maybe throwing around some good ideas, performances and whatnot, a sucky movie, while you can’t knock it for being terrible, makes it really hard for the audience to say anything good about it.

4, 4.5/10 (Deficient)

Notable Examples: The Lone Ranger, Spider-Man 3, most M.Night Shyamalan movies.

 There are very, very little good things going for these movies. Maybe there might be some minor positives in the way of  performances or action scenes, but it’s pretty fucking stupid overall. You can still watch it if you’re interested, but I wouldn’t recommend it, and you should all think really hard about your priorities in life before paying money to watch it.

3, 3.5/10 (Turd Sandwich)

Proof that even Roger Ebert could be wrong sometimes.

Maybe there’s a small group of masochists somewhere out there that may enjoy watching them, but they are few and far between, and I wouldn’t recommend hanging out with them for fear of getting any stupid on you.

Just kidding. Obviously, it’s a matter of opinion, and I’d rather see one of these movies than, say, Amanda Bynes within the limits of my high school, but it’s close.

0-2.5 (Pretty much the worst thing ever)

Notable examples: Most direct-to-DVD Disney sequels, Movie 43, Batman & Robin, The Phantom Menace, After Earth

If, at any point, you find yourself enjoying one of these movies, it’s time to start considering moving to a psych ward, because at this point, it stops becoming a matter of opinion and starts being a matter of mental health. Forget fighting off Amanda Bynes, I’d rather have nails driven into my kneecaps as that fucking Rebecca Black song plays in the background then watch this movie again.

The Amazing Spider-Man 2 (Movie Review)

Aww… I think somebody needs a hug!

It should come as no surprise to anybody who reads my blog semi-regularly (All three of you) that superheroes play an important part in my creative process. Hell, the second movie review I ever posted was a review of  Tim Burton’s Batman (Which is kinda dated, but still pretty good), and since then, I’ve reviewed Man of Steel (Which I regret giving a 7.5 to), the second Thor movie (Flawed and convoluted, but fun) and the new Captain America movie (Which is the best superhero movie since The Avengers). However, even with the release of those movies, and the upcoming releases later this year of the new X-Men movie and Guardians of the Galaxy, the superhero movie I’ve been most anxious to watch has been as you’ve probably guessed, because you’re obviously literate, The Amazing Spider-Man 2. 

Why, you ask? Because Spider-Man is my jam. I love Spider-Man.

When I was a little kid, my second-favourite movie after Lion King was Spider-Man 2. I watched the animated series religiously on DVD’s, and I still have my Spider-Man action figures (Read: Toys) and Spider-Man encyclopedia. When my friends graduated to Batman and Deadpool, I, well, I joined them, I guess, but I still see  Spider-Man as being my favourite superhero, and being my gateway into geekdom in general.

And into social awkwardness. Can’t forget that.

So, one week after its release, a friend and I muscled our way into a movie theater that was lousy with little  kids (A drawback to enjoying superhero movies) to watch the new Spidey flick. Admittedly, my expectations were considerably lower after glancing at the movie’s Rotten Tomatoes page, but I was at least expecting an improvement over the first Amazing Spider-Man (Which I liked, except for the Lizard), and most certainly an improvement over the steaming pile of shit that was Spider-Man 3.

It’s not exactly setting the bar high, but whatever.

  The Amazing Spider-Man 2

Directed by: Marc Webb

Produced by: Avi Arad, Matt Tolmach

Screenplay by: Roberto Orci, Jeff Pinkner, Alex Kurtzman

Story by: Roberto Orci, Jeff Pinkner, Alex Kurtzman, Jeff Vanderbilt

Based on: Spider-Man by Stan Lee and Steve Ditko

Genre: Superhero, Teen Drama

Starring: Andrew Garfield, Emma Stone, Jamie Foxx, Dane DeHaan, Colm Feore, Paul Giamatti, Sally     Field, Campbell Scott

  Plot: Taking place after the events of The Amazing Spider-Man, high school graduate Peter Parker (Garfield) is continuing to fight crime as Spider-Man,   New York’s often under-appreciated super-powered protector.  While he protects the citizens of the Big Apple from schmucks like Russian mobster Aleksei Sytsevich (Giamatti), Peter also tries to maintain his relationship with the lovely valedictorian, Gwen Stacy (Stone), whose father (Denis Leary, who is seen and not heard, thankfully) was killed in a fight between Spider-Man and the Lizard in the first movie. Unfortunately, by dating Gwen, Peter is breaking the promise made to her father that he wouldn’t involve her in his life, as being Spider-Man endangers those he loves. Oops.

Although anybody who says they wouldn’t do the same thing in the same situation is a goddamn liar.

Not only that, but Peter also has to deal with Harry Osborn (DeHaan), a childhood friend of his who inherits the powerful pharmaceutical company OsCorp after his creepy, neglectful father Norman (Chris Cooper) is killed by the same terminal genetic disease that is starting to plague Harry. Further drama occurs when Spidey saves a poor, unfortunate soul by the name of Max Dillon (Foxx), an under-appreciated OsCorp engineer who becomes obsessed with Spider-Man, which is too bad for the web-head, as Dillon is involved in an accident that turns him into a being of electricity, which also apparently gives him schizophrenia.

Yeah, that hug I was offering earlier? Not gonna happen.

Most of the problems I have with this movie have to do with the way the plot is laid out. In fact, I’m noticing that ever since The Dark Knight changed up the game, some superhero movies that have no business being complicated are becoming convoluted and overblown for the sake of being convoluted and overblown. Dark Knight Rises, Man of Steel, The Wolverine, Thor: The Dark World and, to a lesser extent, Iron Man 3, Amazing Spider-Man and Captain America: The Winter Soldier all suffered from a plot that wandered all over the damn place and lost me for a bit. Unfortunately, Amazing Spider-Man 2 is no exception.

SPOILER ALERT

 The story-line that centers around Peter trying to discover the reason why his parents (Campbell Scott and Embeth Davidtz) left him with his aunt May (Field) and late uncle Ben (Martin Sheen in the previous movie) when he was little, takes up a ton of the film’s run-time, and is also the least important part of the movie. We get all this emotional buildup towards some huge revelation about the secrets that Peter’s father was trying to hide from OsCorp only to learn that, what, the huge pharmaceutical company led by the creepy guy did some shady dealings, so Parker Sr. left the country with his wife? Gee, thanks for telling us something we didn’t already know from the opening scene of the movie.

SPOILER END

I guess the revelations about the Parker family didn’t ruin the movie, though. I’ll give the filmmakers the benefit of the doubt though, because I feel like they’re building up to something more in the upcoming movies. It’s hard not to feel cheated thoough, considering the large emphasis that the first movie placed on the truth about Peter’s father. Kind of makes you miss Sam Raimi’s trilogy, honestly.

…Oh…Never mind…

I also felt that the editing and pacing were kind of off balance, especially near the end. The ending goes on for about ten minutes longer than the point where it should’ve ended, which really threw me off. I guess the closing scene isn’t so bad on its’ own, and it did serve to deliver a message of hope or whatever, and as a set-up for the Sinister Six movie, but it could’ve been handled a bit better.

The big worry that most people had about this movie, however, was the fact that there are a whole bunch of villains in it, which many point to as the reason that Spider-Man 3 was such an atrocity. What I say to that is that while it’s done a lot better than that terrible, terrible movie, it still feels quite off. I dunno, I can’t really put my finger on it, but at least none of the characters felt shoehorned in like Venom was in SM3.

Though it ain’t no Dark Knight, that’s for sure.

Speaking of the villains, I’m pleased to announce that the two main villains in this movie, Electro and Harry Osborn, are both well portrayed by their respective actors (Veteran actor Jamie Foxx and up-and-comer Dane DeHaan, respectively). True, the characters themselves aren’t as smartly written as some of the other villains in the Spider-Man franchise (Alfred Molina’s Doc Ock, Willem DeFoe’s Green Goblin), but at least they’re better than Rhys Ifan’s Lizard (Who started off strong until he became a blob of CGI) and, again, miles better than any of the storied villains unfortunate enough to appear in Spider-Man 3.

Speaking of the actors, I already mentioned Foxx, who did a great job, and DeHaan, who appears to be reaching at times. Paul Giamatti is also in this movie, but he is barely used and mostly wasted as the Rhino. Sally Field is given a little bit more to do this time around as aunt May, which I approve of, and Emma Stone’s Gwen Stacy continues to blow Kirsten Dunst’s Mary Jane out of the water. She and Andrew Garfield’s Peter Parker save many of the romantic scenes (Of which there are about two to many), which tend to veer into eye-rollingly cheesy territory and which would be total disasters in the hands of actors with lesser chemistry then the real life couple of Garfield and Stone.

As for the whole “Andrew Garfield vs. Tobey Maguire” debate, I don’t really give a shit. Both are excellent Spider-Men, even if they have different takes on the character.

When it comes solely to the visual effects, this is the best Spidey movie to date. Instead of cluttering the movie and creating what feels like an artificial environment, the CGI really enhances the action scenes, and even more so with Hans Zimmer’s score playing in the background. There was some back-and-forth going on when the trailer was released about whether it looked too much like a Saturday morning cartoon, FX-wise, but Spider-Man stories have never been, nor should they ever look dark and moody like a neo-noir movie or whatever, so I’m really not bothered by it. I know these reboots are supposed to be a “darker and grittier” retelling of the Spider-Man story, but let’s face it, some things really don’t need to be Batman to be good.

Take note, Zach Snyder.

Conclusion: It’s disappointingly flawed and uneven, it wastes its villains, it’s too cheesy and it spends a bit too much time setting up the upcoming movies in the franchise, but The Amazing Spider-Man 2 is still a really damn enjoyable movie, thanks mainly to the fine performances and the great visual effects. They don’t make up for the convoluted plot and the other aforementioned drawbacks, but it’s still a really fun ride that is worth at least a rental.

Rating: 7/10

(Also, try to avoid seeing it when little kids are in the theatre. They’re just the worst in action movies.)

 

 

Battle of the Superhero Film Franchises!!! (Part 2-Lists n’ Shit)

(This is a continuation of this post.)

In my ongoing search for the most overall successful superhero franchise, I have already laid out the franchises vying for the title. Now, I will rank them from worst to first in five categories. I promise not to do a Part 3, not only because I already do it way too much, but also because that is lazy as hell.   Oh, and by the way, SPOILER ALERT!!!!!

So, anyways…

CRITICAL RECEPTION 

(This is defined by the average critical rating on Rotten Tomatoes for a film from the franchise)

(Also, I did not include The Amazing Spider-Man, Man of Steel or Kick-Ass, since I decided that having franchises with only one released movie skewed the rankings.)

1. The Dark Knight-89%
2. Hellboy-84%
3. Spider-Man-82%
4. Marvel Cinematic Universe -80%
5. X-Men-69
6. Superman-58%
7. Batman-51%
8. Blade-47%
9. Fantastic Four-32%
10. Ghost Rider-22%

So, what have we learned?

Mainly that a) Critics love Christopher Nolan as long as Zack Snyder stays the hell away. B) It’s easy to have one or two bad movies drag your score down (X-Men, Superman and Batman) and c) Nicolas Cage is pretty much persona non grata as a leading man in any movie he so much as glances at.

Unless he dies violently. Then, all’s good.

AUDIENCE RECEPTION

(Ditto, but with the Rotten Tomatoes Audience ratings.)

1. The Dark Knight-91%
2. Marvel Cinematic Universe-79%
3. X-Men-78%
4. Blade-71%
5. Hellboy-67%
6. Spider-Man-67%
7. Superman-54%
8. Fantastic Four-53%
9. Batman-52%
10. Ghost Rider-43%

So, what have we learned?

A) There is nothing redeemably good about Ghost Rider or Fantastic Four and B) My system is broken if Blade can finish above Soider-Man, but eh, fuck it. We learn from our mistakes, right?

Er, right….

PROFITS PER MOVIE 

(You don’t really need an explanation for this, do you? (I didn’t include profits for The Wolverine, because it’s too soon to say for sure).

1. Spider-Man-$633,115,506
2. The Dark Knight-$624, 939, 468
3. Marvel Cinematic Universe-$544,283,685
4. Fantastic Four-$389, 627, 482$
5. Blade-$251, 098, 928
6. Batman- $228, 226, 886
7. X-Men-$213, 019, 524
8. Ghost Rider- $97, 151, 160
9. Superman-$81,690,123
10. Hellboy- $54, 353,525

What have we learned?

Mainly that box offices are the place where mediocre movies can shine and where good movies can suck.

With a profit of just over $30 million, Pacific Rim is proof that the system is broken.

MY OPINION

1. The Dark Knight
2. Marvel Cinematic Universe
3. X-Men
4. Spider-Man
5. Hellboy
6. Superman
7. Blade
8. Batman
9. Fantastic Four
10. Ghost Rider

OVERALL STANDINGS

(These were calculated by adding points for each standing in each category. 1st Place=10 Points, 2nd Place= 9 Points and so on.)

1. The Dark Knight-39 Points
2. Marvel Cinematic Universe-31 Points
3. Spider-Man-28 Points
4. X-Men-26 Points
5. Hellboy-22 Points
6. Blade-20 Points
7. Superman-15 Points
8. Batman-14 Points
9. Fantastic Four-14 Points
10. Ghost Rider-6 Points

What have we learned?

First of, I’m pretty sure nobody was doubting that the Dark Knight trilogy  would come in first.

Also, that I don’t know how to adjust movie profits for inflation, so maybe don’t take the “Profits” section too, too seriously.

Also, it can’t be stressed how much movies like Batman & Robin and Superman 4 dragged their respective franchises down. Without those two movies, what we’d have is a couple of solid move franchises.

Well, passable at least.

Coming Soon on Please Kill the Messenger: 

1. The confession of a My Chemical Romance fan.

2. A review of one of Guillermo del Toro’s best movies. (No, it’s not Pacific Rim, but I do need to see that.)

Battle of the Superhero Film Franchises!!! (Part 1-Meet the Franchises!)

Well, I’d say that it’s a pretty great time to be a superhero fan.

During the gathering of nerds and cosplayers known as Comic-Con (A world I desperately want to be a part of) several superhero movies were presented to the ever-voracious nerd public. The films include the second Thor movie (Loved the first one), The Wolverine (Fuck the first one), Captain America: Winter Soldier, the second Amazing Spider-Man movie (Damn, another one?) , X-Men: Days of Future Past, Avengers: Age of Ultron (Oh God, yes!!!), the Superman/Batman movie (Nerdgasm achieved), and Guardians of the Galaxy, which I don’t know shit about except for the fact that there’s a talking raccoon involved. 

SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY!!!

That said, I got to wondering  about which superhero film franchises have been the most successful, both critically and commercially. So, I decided to rank thirteen franchises from worst to best in FOUR different categories, which are A) critical reception on Rotten Tomatoes, b) audience reception on Rotten Tomatoes, c) my opinion and d) the average commercial success per film of the series.

I define a franchise as being at least two confirmed films (For example, Kick-Ass would be considered a franchise because it has a released film and a confirmed film that has yet to be released. On the other hand, The Incredibles is not a franchise because at this point, any news of a sequel is just idle speculation. )

Well, fuck, I HOPE this is just speculation…

Anyways, let’s meet the franchises!

THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN

Superhero: Spider-Man/Peter Parker

Films: The Amazing Spider-Man (2012), The Amazing Spider-Man 2 (2014 ), The Amazing Spider-Man 3 (2016), The Amazing Spider-Man 4 (2018) Fuck, talk about getting ahead of yourself.

Directed By: Marc Webb

Stars: Andrew Garfield, Emma Stone, Martin Sheen, Sally Field, Rhys Ifans , Jamie Foxx , Dane DeHaan , Paul Giamatti , Denis Leary, Chris Zylka

Suggested Tagline: “Anybody want another Spider-Man series humping the still-warm corpse of the Sam Raimi series? No? Well fuck you, here it is anyways.”

BATMAN (BURTON/SCHUMACHER) 

Superhero: Batman/Bruce Wayne

Films: Batman (1989), Batman Returns (1992), Batman Forever (1995), Batman & Robin (1997)

Directed By: Tim Burton , Joel Schumacher

Stars: Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer, George Clooney, Jack Nicholson, Danny Devito, Michelle Pfeiffer, Christopher Walken, Tommy Lee Jones, Jim Carrey, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Uma Thurman, Chris O’Donnell, Michael Gough, Kim Basinger,  Nicole Kidman, Alicia Silverstone

Suggested Tagline: “Before there was Christian Bale… There were Bat-Nipples.”

“BAT-NIPPLES!?!?!”

BLADE

Superhero: Blade/Eric Brooks

Films: Blade (1998), Blade 2 (2002), Blade: Trinity (2004)

Directed By: Stephen Norrington, Guillermo del Toro, David S. Goyer

Stars: Wesley Snipes, Kris Kristofferson,  Stephen Dorff , Donal Logue , Ron Perlman, Leonor Varela, Thomas Kreschmann, Luke Goss, Dominic Purcell, Parker Posey, N’Bushe Wright, Jessica Biel, Ryan Reynolds

Suggested Tagline: I’ve actually never seen any of the Blade movies.

Ow! Stoppit! Are those rocks?! You’re hurting me!

THE DARK KNIGHT 

Superhero: Batman/Bruce Wayne

Films: Batman Begins (2005), The Dark Knight (2008), The Dark Knight Rises (2012) 

Directed By: Christopher Nolan

Stars: Christian Bale, Michael Caine, Gary Oldman, Morgan Freeman, Liam Neeson, Cillian Murphy, Tom Wilkinson, Heath Ledger, Aaron Eckhart, Anne Hathaway, Tom Hardy, Marion Cotillard, Katie Holmes, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Suggested Tagline: “I’m the goddamn BATMAN, motherfucker!”

“You tell ’em, unhinged sadistic psychopath Batman!”

FANTASTIC FOUR 

Oh boy, here we go…

Superheroes: Mr. Fantastic/Reed Richards, Invisible Woman/Susan Storm, The Thing/Ben Grimm, Human Torch/Johnny Storm

Films: Fantastic Four (2005), Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer  (2007)

Director: Tim Story

Stars: Ioan Gruffudd,  Jessica Alba, Chris Evans, Michael Chiklis, Julian McMahon, Doug Jones, Laurence Fishburne (Voice Only), Kerry Washington

Suggested Tagline: “Fine, YOU try designing the Thing realistically, assholes!”

GHOST RIDER 

One would think you couldn’t possibly fuck this movie up, but one would be wrong.

Superhero: Ghost Rider/Johnny Blaze

Films: Ghost Rider (2007), Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance (2012)

Director: Mark Steven Johnson, Neveldine/Taylor

Stars: Nicolas Cage, Peter Fonda, Wes Bentley, Johnny Whitworth, Ciaran Hinds, Eva Mendes, Violante Placido, Sam Elliott , Idris Elba

Suggested Tagline: “Yes, The Wicker Man did teach us nothing. So what?”

“Hell yes, this is the guy we want playing evil’s bane.”

HELLBOY

Superhero: Hellboy

Films: Hellboy (2004), Hellboy 2: The Golden Army (2008)

Director: Guillermo del Toro

Stars: Ron Perlman, Selma Blair, Doug Jones, John Hurt, Karel Roden, Jeffrey Tambor, Seth MacFarlane (Voice), Luke Goss, Anna Walton

Suggested Tagline: “What do you mean “Is Dark Horse still around?”‘

KICK-ASS 

Superheroes: Kick-Ass/Dave Lizewski, Hit Girl/Mindy MacReady, Big Daddy/Damon MacReady, Colonel Stars and Stripes

Films: Kick-Ass (2008), Kick-Ass 2 (2013)

Director: Matthew Vaughn, Jeff Wadlow

Stars: Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Chloe Grace Moretz, Nicolas Cage, Mark Strong, Jim Carrey

Suggested Tagline: “Ten year olds committing mass murder? Bring that shit on.”

Roman Polanski is shitting himself in fear right about now.

MAN OF STEEL

Superheroes: Superman/Clark Kent, Batman/Bruce Wayne

Films: Man of Steel (2013), Batman Vs. Superman (2015)

Director: Zack Snyder

Stars: Henry Cavill, Amy Adams, Michael Shannon, Diane Lane, Kevin Costner, Laurence Fishburne, Antje Traue, Ayelet Zurer, Christopher Meloni, Russell Crowe

Suggested Tagline: “Fine, we’ll add Batman. You fuckers interested yet?”

MARVEL CINEMATIC UNIVERSE 

Superheroes: Iron Man/Tony Stark, Hulk/Bruce Banner, Thor, Captain America/Steve Rogers, War Machine/James Rhodes, Black Widow/Natasha Romanoff, Hawkeye/Clint Barton, Ant-Man/Hank Pym, Nick Fury

Films: Iron Man (2008), The Incredible Hulk (2008), Iron Man 2 (2010), Thor (2011), Captain America: The First Avenger (2011), The Avengers (2012), Iron Man 3 (2013), Thor: The Dark World (2013), Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014), Guardians of the Galaxy (2014), The Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015), Ant-Man (2015)

Directors: Jon Favreau, Louis Leterrier, Kenneth Branagh, Joe Johnston, Joss Whedon, Shane Black, Alan Taylor, Joe and Anthony Russo, James Gunn, Edgar Wright

Stars: Robert Downey Jr., Chris Evans, Chris Hemsworth, Scarlett Johansson, Jeremy Renner, Edward Norton, Mark Ruffalo, Samuel L. Jackson, Terrence Howard, Don Cheadle, Chris Pratt, Zoe Saldana, Dave Bautista, Lee Pace, Djimon Hounsou, Tom Hiddleston, Jeff Bridges, Tim Roth, William Hurt, Mickey Rourke, Sam Rockwell, Hugo Weaving, Ben Kingsley, Guy Pierce, Rebecca Hall, Stephanie Szostak, James Bridge Dale, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, Frank Grillo, Georges St.Pierre, Benicio del Toro, Clark Gregg, Jon Favreau, Ty Burrell, Tim Blake Nelson, Anthony Hopkins, Stellan Skarsgard, Idris Elba, Ray Stevenson, Tadanobu Asano, Joshua Dallas, Jamie Alexander, Sebastian Stan, Tommy Lee Jones, Dominic Cooper, Neal McDonough, Stanley Tucci, Cobie Smulders, Zachary Levi, Rene Russo, Emily VanCamp, Anthony Mackie, John C. Reily, Robert Redford, Glenn Close, Gwyneth Paltrow, Liv Tyler, Natalie Portman, Hayley Atwell,

Suggested Tagline: “We just really, really hate people who work at movie theaters.”

“Fuck you and fuck your post-credits scenes! Some of us need to clean this shithole of a theater!”

SPIDER-MAN 

Superhero: Spider-Man/Peter Parker

Films: Spider-Man (2002), Spider-Man 2 (2004), Spider-Man 3 (2007)

Directed by: Sam Raimi

Stars: Tobey Maguire, Kirsten Dunst, James Franco, Rosemary Harris, Willem Dafoe, Alfred Molina, Thomas Haden Church, Topher Grace, Rosemary Harris, Cliff Robertson, J.K. Simmons, Bryce Dallas Howard

Suggested Tagline: “Fuck it, let’s throw ALL the villains into one movie. What could possibly go wrong?”

SUPERMAN

Films: Superman (1978), Superman 2 (1980), Superman 3 (1983), Superman 4: The Quest for Peace (1987), Superman Returns (2006)

Directed By: Richard Donner, Richard Lester, Sidney J. Furie

Stars: Christopher Reeve, Brandon Routh, Gene Hackman, Kevin Spacey, Margot Kidder, Terence Stamp, Marlon Brando

Suggested Tagline: “Just try not to stare too much at the codpiece while the theme music is playing.”

X-MEN

Superheroes: No way I’m listing all of these guys. After the MCU? No way.

Films: X-Men (2000), X2 (2003), X-Men: The Last Stand (2006), X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009), X-Men: First Class (2011), The Wolverine (2013), X-Men: Days of Future Past (2014)

Directed by: Bryan Singer, Brett Ratner (Booo!!!), Gavin Hood, Matthew Vaughn, James Mangold

Stars: Oh, fuck you.

Tune in soon for my rankings. Or to mock me for not being at Comic-Con. Either one.