Game of Thrones- Season 5, Episode 3: Sons of the Harpy (Review/Recap)

Rumours of her demise have been greatly exaggerated, unfortunately.

It’s episodes like this last one that really bring out both the vengeful, raging sociopath and blubbering neurotic in me.

SPOILER ALERT. OBVIOUSLY. 

King’s Landing 

“You will never see a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.”

The Queen’s amiable, if somewhat bumbling, father, Mace Tyrell, tells the other members of the Legion of Doom Small Council that the almighty Bank of Braavos is calling in ten percent of the debt owed to them by the Seven Kingdoms. Cersei sends Tyrell, the Master of Coin to Braavos in order to negotiate a new deal with the Braavosi, along with Kingsguard Ser Meryn Trant, who I admit to not remembering from previous seasons, but who, for the sake of convenience, I will just go ahead and assume to be a morally reprehensible dumpster fire of a human being. Don’t tell me that’s not a safe assumption. you’re watching the same show that I am.

After the meeting, Cersei meets with the High Sparrow, who I had mistakenly assumed to be a semi-cool guy before this episode. I should really learn to follow my own goddamn rules.

Cersei authorizes the use of a violent religious fundamentalist militia known as the Faith Militant, which immediately gets to work attacking anybody who they deem to be sinners, or disrespecting the gods. And people ask me why I’m not religious.

One of the many “sinners” incarcerated by The Faith Militant just so happens to be Loras Tyrell, Cersei’s fiancee and the Queen’s brother, and also noted gay dude. Surprisingly enough, the super-religious Faith Militant doesn’t take very kindly to gay people. Who’da thunk it?

Queen Margaery doesn’t like this and tries to get Tommen to do something about it, but he doesn’t allow the Kingsguard to attack the Faith Militant and the countless poor people that the Sparrows are sheltering, and ends up leaving empty-handed. To be fair, I probably would’ve done the same thing. At least he proved himself better than…. That Other Guy when he didn’t respond to the rabble yelling abuse at him.

Just thinking about the Other Guy makes me want to sterilize all blonde people. You know, just to make sure.

Frustrated with Tommen’s inability to do as she says, Margaery decides to call upon her grandmother to help. I’m repeating myself here, but…. There’s no possible way this ends well, is there?

The Wall

Jon Snow fights off the Red Woman’s attempt to seduce him in the name of the Lord of Light, or some shit. This would be a more impressive feat if I wasn’t mentally equating her with that old woman from The Shining, at this point.

Also, A+ parenting from Stannis. No sarcasm intended, that was actually pretty cool of him.

Winterfell

Scheming n’ shit. Also, we get some interesting backstory on the war that took place prior to the events of Season 1. And Littlefinger frenching Sansa. Yeecchh.

The sad thing? Out of all of Sansa’s suitors (Betrothed or otherwise), this guy is the least off-putting.

Dorne

Jaime and Bronn arrive in Dorne, and waste no time in awesomely murdering a bunch of Dornish soldiers. It’s not so much that I want to see Dornish people dead as it is that I want to see Myrcella saved from, uh, this lady who wants to see her mutilated in order to start a war with the Lannisters. Why are the pretty women on this show all either dead, bereft with grief, insane or some combination of the three?

Admittedly, if I had experienced what she had experienced…

For help in her anti-Lannister crusade, she enlists the help of Oberyn’s daughters, the Sand Snakes (Only one of whom is her daughter, because Dorne is a country of swingers), all of whom look like badasses. Oh, and they know Jaime and Bronn are in Dorne to rescue Myrcella. Fucking brilliant.

Across the Narrow Sea

Ha-ha, Jorah Mormont is a dumbass and Tyrion is smarter than him.

Meereen

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU SONS OF HARPIES SHITHEEL MOTHERFUCKERS!!! I DIDN’T KNOW HOW MUCH I LIKED THOSE TWO UNTIL YOU POSSIBLY KILLED THEM!!!

Overall: This is the episode where everything starts really going downhill, isn’t it?

Rating: 8/10

Again, why must they be crazy?

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