And to think that before today, I had to really think about it before deciding what was the worst movie I’d ever seen.
Directed by: Sadistic hacks who should have known better.
Produced by: Sadistic hacks who should have known better.
Written by: Sadistic hacks who should have known better.
Genres: Sketch “Comedy”, Gross-Out “Comedy”
Starring: Oh, my God, you guys didn’t have to do this. For fuck’s sake, some of you guys have Oscar nominations. Hell, Halle Berry HAS a goddamn Oscar!
Razzie Nominations: Worst Screen Combo (Entire Cast), Worst Screenplay, Worst Actress (Berry), Worst Actress (Watts), Worst Director (All 13 Directors) Worst Picture
Plot: The different sketches that comprise this movie are part of a plot that involves a group of teenagers’ internet search for the fabled “Movie 43”, which is supposedly the most outrageous movie ever made. I understand that there’s another version of this sketch that stars Common and Dennis Quaid, but I’m sure I’m not missing that much.
The Catch: Beth (Kate Winslet) is a single businesswoman going on a blind date with Davis (Hugh Jackman), who is supposedly the city’s most high-profile bachelor. Everything seems to be going well until Davis takes off his scarf to reveal the pair of testicles hanging from his chin! And get this: Beth is the only one who seems to notice the testicles!
Improbably, this isn’t even the stupidest sketch in the whole fucking movie. I really wish it had just ended here, but alas…
Homeschooled: A newly moved-in couple (Alex Cranmer and Julie Ann Emery) have coffee with their new neighbours, Robert (Liev Schreiber) and Samantha (Naomi Watts). Rob and Samantha describe in detail their program of homeschooling their son (Jeremy Allen White). Bullying, hazing, detentions, and possible incest ensue.
The Proposition: Julie and Doug (Real-life married couple Anna Faris and Chris Pratt, respectively) have been in a happy relationship for over a year. However, when Doug is about to propose to her, she reveals that she wants him to poop on her. With the help of his friend (J.B. Smoove), Doug sets out to shit on his girl in the most romantic way possible.
At this point in the movie, I was seriously considering suicide. There would be many more suicidal thoughts over the next hour or so.
Veronica: Grocery store cashier Nate (Macaulay Culkin’s younger brother, Kieran) meets his ex-girlfrien Veronica (Emma Stone) at his job. Disturbing conversations ensue.
iBabe: Richard Gere discusses how to market the iBabe, which is like an iPod, but it’s a full-grown naked woman, and which is mangling the dicks of the teenage boys who inevitably try to fuck it, with his workers (Kate Bosworth, Aasif Mandvi, Jack McBrayer). It’s kind of hard to argue with the whole “Teenage boys fucking things they shouldn’t be fucking” theme, but this is still one of the stupidest things I’ve ever seen.
Superhero Speed Dating: I’m just gonna skip this one. Any problems with that? Cool.
Middleschool Date: Nathan (Jimmy Bennett) and Amanda (Chloe Grace Moretz) are having a (Admittedly, pretty realistic) date at Nathan’s place when Amanda has her first period. I will never again watch Kick-Ass with the same sense of wonder.
Happy Birthday, Truth or Dare, Victory’s Glory: These are all garbage. Every single fucking one. Every fucking second of these pieces of shit.
Beezel: Whoever thought that this segment would be funny deserves to be dragged out into the street and shot.
Acting: I usually like talking shit about movies, but this movie is just the most painful thing to dwell on. All the actors are atrocious, because most of them just don’t give a shit about this film.
Weirdly enough, the character I most identified was Chloe Grace Moretz’s character. Not because I’m a teenage girl having her first period, but because of her line “WILL YOU IDIOTS JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!”, which is a line that I wish was screamed at the people who pitched this goddamn movie.
In short, there is nothing even remotely good about this movie. So, this piece of shit has the distinction of being the first movie to which I award the following rating.
Overall Rating: 0/10
So, I’m pleased to say that, for the first time ever, I’ve managed to watch all the Oscar-(And Razzie-) nominated money before their rating. Problem is, I haven’t had time to post a review in between school, homework, my job bitching about the Blue Jays, and, you know, actually watching the goddamn movies. So, while I’ve watched all the movies, the reviews are still gonna run a little late. I’m sure this would piss me off, but I’m getting pretty sick of these reviews.
Now, don’t worry loyal readers, the reviews are still. coming, and I’m gonna put ’em out as quick as possible. It’s just that I’m also gonna go back to also writing about baseball, music, and whatever else is on my mind.
Anyways, here are my picks for the 2014 Golden Raspberry Awards, from my first pick to my third pick (Any category that has an asterisk next to it is a category in which I didn’t watch most of the movies because they weren’t “Worst Picture” nominees. However, if one of the movies I didn’t see wins an award, I’ll make a point to add it to my upcoming reviews).
- Movie 43. I judge comedy scripts on how funny they are (Obviously). This movie…. Was not funny.
- After Earth. “Danger is real…Fear is a choice….” That about says it all.
- Grown Ups 2. It’s post-Funny People Adam Sandler, so that should tell you all you need to know.
- The 13 People who who directed Movie 13. Brett Ratner is one of them, which seems about right.
- M. Night Shyamalan (After Earth). Holy shit, it really has been 15 years since The Sixth Sense, huh?
- Dennis Dugan (Grown Ups 2). Dennis, just stop. Please…Just..Stop.
Worst Prequel, Rip-Off or Sequel*:
- Grown Ups 2: It’s not like the original one was good, but it’s a bad sign when getting rid of Rob Schneider isn’t addition via subtraction.
- The Lone Ranger: I dunno if it really sullied the original’s proud reputation of racism, but it still sucked.
Worst Screen Combo:
- Jaden and Will Smith (After Earth): You’d think a father/son combo would have a little more chemistry, but you’d be wrong.
- The entire cast of Movie 43. I feel sorry for them, but they were still awful.
- The entire cast of Grown Ups 2. Honestly, Nick Swardson drags this cast through the mud even more.
Worst Supporting Actress*:
- Salma Hayek (Grown Ups 2): She’s the only nominee I’ve seen, but she was still atrocious.
Worst Supporting Actor:
- Nick Swardson (Grown Ups 2 and A Haunted House): I hate, hate, hate Nick Swardson. He’s a lock for a Razzie in whatever he’s in.
- Will Smith (After Earth): I expect more from the Fresh Prince.
- Taylor Lautner (Grown Ups 2): Though, if I must be honest, his karate moves were pretty badass.
- Naomi Watts (Movie 43 and Diana): Honestly, though, they could have picked any actress in that movie.
- Tyler Perry (A Madea Christmas): What did I just see? What the FUCK did I just see?!?!
- Jaden Smith (After Earth): Holy shit Jaden, just stick to your terrible rap songs, okay?
- Adam Sandler (Grown Ups 2) He wasn’t the worst actor in this movie, but still…
- Movie 43
- After Earth
- Grown Ups 2