An Introduction to Canada: The Happiest Place on Earth!

Anybody who maintains their own blog on WordPress knows that there’s a little button you can press on your dashboard that takes you to a Stats page where you can see how much views you get per day, which pages are getting more traffic, your top commenters, and, oddly enough, what people are searching on their respective search engines to get to your site. You can end up learning quite a bit about the people who read your blog. Some of the more popular searches on mine are:

  1. “evan peters is a douche”
  2. ‘daryl sabara is gay”
  3. “amanda bynes ugly”
  4. “fuck jhonny peralta”
  5. “fuck alan rickman”
  6. ‘daryl sabara gay porn”
  7. “domican (I think they meant “Dominican”) piece of shit alex rodriguez”
  8. Alex rodriquexz is a piece of shit” (All right, settle down)
  9. “munenori kawasaki suck” (….You have no heart)
  10. the lion king simba and nala’s big fuck fanfiction (I don’t want to live on this goddamn planet anymore)

However, my favourite of the statistics that WordPress provides its bloggers is the thing (For lack of a better noun) that counts up how many views you get from each different country. It’s amazing how the internet has brought the whole world together so that people can ask themselves the important questions, like “How the hell am I not being censored in Saudi Arabia?” and “How is there still internet in Syria?”.  It’s this kind of global unity that should , if all goes well, eventually get us to the point where we stop getting irrationally mad at each other and start loving our fellow man.


Anyways, while I’m not surprised surprised that there haven’t really been all that many people who have gazed upon the products of my comic genius, I was surprised at how few of the views were from my native Canada. The vast majority of my views come from the United States of America, and while Canada was second, it was still outnumbered by the combined views from non-english speaking countries like Germany, France, Brazil, the Philippines, Mexico, Argentina, Spain and Australia.

“Fuck off, Rollins, we’re getting tired of your shit.”

Anyways, since, if you’re reading this, there’s an eighty seven percent chance that you are not Canadian, I have decided to do a series of blogs about Canadian culture. These blogs, spread out over however much time as is necessary, will comprise of me enlightening people who may not know that much about Canada. Today, we’ll start with everyone’s favourite subject: Geography!


Part 1 0f 2: The Territories and the Maritime Provinces



Motto: “Nunavut Sannginivut” (Inuit) “Our Land, Our Strength” (English) “Notre Terre, Notre Force” (French)

Capital and Largest City: Iqaluit

Official Languages: Inuit, English and French

Joined Confederation: 1999

Premier: Peter Taptuna (Independent)

Population: 31,906

Which American State is it Comparable to?: Alaska + Oklahoma.

Claim to Fame: Nakasuk Elementary School in Iqaluit was modeled to look like whale blubber!

Nakasuk Elementary School.jpg

Fun Facts:

  • Canada’s biggest province or territory. It’s also it’s most sparsely populated!
  • The most recent of the provinces or territories, it was formed in 1999 when 85% of Nunavut citizens (Or Nunavummiuq, for short) voted to establish a separate territory for the Inuit people (Sometimes referred to erroneously as ‘Eskimos”) and split from the Northwest Territories.
  • The only province or territory where the majority of the population have a mother tongue other than English or French.
  • The region of Canada with the lowest life expectancy. We’re really not that good at taking care of Native people.


Canadian Provinces and Territories


Motto: None

Capital and Largest City: Whitehorse

Official Languages: English and French

Joined Confederation: 1898

Premier: Darrell Pasloski (Yukon Party)

Population: 33, 897

Comparable To: Alaska

Claim to Fame: That one Calvin and Hobbes story where they want to go to the Yukon.

Good times…

Fun Facts:

  • Home of the Klondike Gold Rush of the late 19th century, captured on film by the great documentarian Charlie Chaplin in 1925’s The Gold Rush.
 Charlie Chaplin in The Gold Rush

Ken Burns, eat your heart out.

  • The setting for American writer Jack London’s best known  books: The Call of the Wild and White Fang.

Northwest Territories 


Motto: None

Capital and Largest City: Yellowknife

Official Languages: Chipewyan, Cree, English, French, Gwich’in, Inuinnaqtun, Inuktitut, Inuvialuktun, North Slavey, South Slavey, Tłı̨chǫ

Joined Confederation: 1870

Premier: Bob McLeod (Independent)

Population: 41, 462

Comparable to: Alaska

Claim to Fame: The designated region that Canada divides up if we decide to have ourselves a new province or territory.

Fun Facts:

  • The Northwest Territories used to comprise parts of Quebec, Ontario and Manitoba, as well as all of Nunavut, the Yukon, Alberta and Saskatchewan.
  •  Along with Nunavut, the only Canadian province or territory to have an Aboriginal majority population.

Prince Edward Island


Motto: Parva sub ingenti (Latin) The small protected by the great (English)

Capital and Largest City: Charlottetown

Official Language: English (de facto)

Joined Confederation: 1873

Premier:  Robert Ghiz (Liberal)

Population: 140, 204

Comparable to: Maine (But floating!) + Delaware (They’re both about the same size)

Claim to Fame: Anne of Green Gables. I’d add a snide comment here, but I’d rather not get shanked by some fifty-something Anne Shirley fan.

Fun Facts:

  • The smallest province or territory.
  • Charlottetown, the capital city of P.E.I., is where Confederation was signed, forming the Dominion of Canada in 1867. Oddly enough, the province of P.E.I. itself didn’t join until seven years later, as it was still considering joining up with the United States.

Newfoundland and Labrador


Motto: Quaerite prime regnum Dei (Latin) Seek ye first the kingdom of God (English) (Matthew 6:33)

Capital and Largest City: St. John’s

Official Language “English” (de facto)

Joined Confederation: 1949

Premier: Kathy Dunderdal (Progressive Conservative)

Population: 514, 536

Comparable to: Massachusetts (Mainly because of their funny similar-but-not-Irish accents)

Claim to Fame: Just do yourselves a favour and search “Newfie accents” on Youtube.

Fun Facts:

  • Home of quite possibly the first European settlement in the Americas, the short-lived Viking settlement at L’Anse aux Meadows (It’s around five hundred years older than Christopher Columbus’s “discovery” (Or, more appropriately, “rape and slaughter”) of the Caribbean.
  •  The last province to join Confederation.

New Brunswick


Motto: Spem reduxit (Latin) Hope restored (English) L’espoir restauré (French)

Capital : Fredericton

Largest City: Saint John

Largest Metro: Greater Moncton

Official Languages: English and French

Joined Confederation: 1867

Premier: David Alward (Progressive Conservative Party)

Population: 751, 171

Comparable to: Maine

Claim to Fame: The best lobster in the galaxy.

You’re on, Maine.

Fun Fact:

  • During the French colonial period, New Brunswick was settled by French-speaking settlers known as Acadians, who developed their own cultural identity, separate from France, or even Quebec. After the British takeover, and during the subsequent so-called “French and Indian War”, the British, worried that the Acadians may fight on the side of the French (They weren’t planing to) tried to make the Acadians swear allegiance to King George III. When the Acadians refused, they were swiftly rounded up and deported to Britain France, the Caribbean  and the United States. The largest present-day population of Acadians anywhere in the world is in Louisiana, where they are commonly referred to as “Cajuns”.  So you have Canada, the French language, and the douchebaggery of the British Empire to thank for shrimp gumbo. Who knew?

Nova Scotia


Motto: Munit Haec et Altera Vincit (Latin) One defends at the other conquers (English)

Capital and largest city: Halifax

Official Language: English (de facto)

Joined Confederation: 1867

Premier: Stephen McNeil (Liberal Party)

Population: 921, 727

Comparable to: Maine

Claim to Fame: Canada’s most penis-shaped province since 1867.

Fun Fact:

  • The birthplace of Ellen Page, Donald Sutherland, Sidney Crosby and Rocky Johnson (Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s father).
  • The Rock himself also became a Canadian citizen. Do you need any more proof that fucking with Canada is a bad idea?

Yeah, I didn’t think so.