E3 Convention Part 3: Who won the Battle of the Consoles?

(In case you missed the first two entries of my comments on E3, Part 1 can be found here while part 2 can be found here.)

What say we just cut the intro bullshit and get to it?

The Eight Generation Consoles: From Best to Worst

1. Sony’s PlayStation 4

Release Date: Holiday 2013

Well, I think we all saw this coming.

While I don’t care very much for the tech jargon that is thrown around when it comes to video game consoles (Hell, I’m not even sure what RAM is), the PS4 took me completely by surprise. After years of being in fierce competition with (And, let’s face it, losing to) Microsoft,  Sony took advantage of Microsoft’s total clusterfuck of an E3 convention and essentially based their entire campaign strategy around  making their new platform look better than their competitor.

A strategy that has paid off in the past.

And, well, it WAS better. In pretty much every way. Not only is the PS4 a full one hundred dollars cheaper then the Xbox One, it also has backwards compatibility (Via a cloud-based streaming service called Gaikai. I have no idea what any of that means.) has a motion sensor that is optional and that you can actually turn OFF and probably won’t spy on you as well as the fact that YOU CAN SHARE YOUR FUCKING GAMES WITHOUT PAYING EXTRA!!! HOLY FUCK, IS THAT NOT INCREDIBLE?

The one downside that comes to mind is that you now have to pay for the PlayStation Network. This doesn’t matter too much for me though, since not all of us give too much of a shit about online gaming.

I know, right?

Also, the backwards compatibility will be something of a difficult are for those of us who have no clue how a Cloud based system works. Come, on Sony, get on this!c I want to play Kingdom Hearts 1 and 2!

2. Nintendo’s Wii U

Release Date: November 18, 2012

Believe it or not, I actually considered giving Nintendo first place for a bit. This is not just because of my pro-Nintendo bias. I think the Wii U does a few notable things better then the PS4 and (most certainly) the Xbox One. Specifically, the price and the backwards compatibility. A white Wii U is going for the price of 400$, currently. Also, unlike the PS4 and the Xbox, Nintendo has an easily accessible backwards compatibility system…It just plays your Wii games. Unlike the PS4, which has a cloud based system that I am betting will only be of use to those with PS3 games, and the Xbox, which has, um, nothing.

“Man, why are we taking so much guff in this post?”

However, I decided against it for the sole fact that those aren’t that important in the quality of the system itself.

Nintendo played it low-key this year, going with the apparent campaign slogan of “We may not be as good as PlayStation or as high-profile as the Xbox, but we can wait a few years until Sony and Microsoft destroy each other. Then, we will rule the (Gaming) world!” It appears to be working, judging by this.

Satoru Iwata - Game Developers Conference 2011 - Day 2 (1).jpg

“BWAHAHAHAHA!”

Also, Smash Bros. Smash Bros. helps.

Microsoft’s Xbox One

Release Date: November 2013

Oh, wow, where do I even begin?

As I believe I stated above, Microsoft had one disastrous E3. It all started when they revealed their new console, the Xbox One, in May. At first, it looked amazing. It looked like this next console war would be a walk in the park for the Xbox.

But then came the hurricane.

One of the first things pointed out was the fact that the Kinect was both mandatory and it didn’t seem to turn off. This fear was only added upon when Microsoft was revealed to have given private information about it’s users to the US government. I will go ahead and assume that this lost them a substantial amount of customers. The fact that there is no backwards compatibility doesn’t help either.

Then it was revealed that the Xbox One would need internet connection to work. This alienated all the households that can’t afford either internet or Xbox Live. Xbox executive  Don Mattrick helpfully suggested here that those who don’t have internet (As well as the US soldiers stationed worldwide that just want to play the goddamn video games when they’re not getting shot at) “stick with the Xbox 360.”

Alienating the poor: A campaign strategy that has NOT payed off.

And finally, my two personal biggest gripes with the console are 1) It doesn’t support used games and 2) if you want to share it with someone, that have to pay for it. Holy shit, how much pot do you have to smoke to make THAT sound like a good idea?

I’m not saying that all’s bad with the console. The motion controls seem to work really well and some of the games look AMAZING. Also, I’m not a fan of mailing death threats to Mattrick or others who worked on the Xbox. These are good people who released a mediocre (At best) console. I have no doubt that in the Ninth Generation of gaming, Microsoft will come back strong.

Until then though, I strongly recommend to leave the Xbox One on the shelves. Let Microsoft learn from their mistakes. Personally, I will be getting a Wii U and a PS4. The PS4 because it’s the best of the three and the Wii U because of Smash Bros.

If only for no other reason than to beat the shit out of that creepy fucking Wii Fit Trainer.

E3 Convention part 2: More Games!

Before jumping right in, I’d like to apologize for lying about doing a post yesterday. In my defense, a little barely known film called Man of Steel got in the way. You probably haven’t heard of it.

“Not going to movies on opening night and feeling crowded as all hell is soooo mainstream.”

Though, really, when was the last time you’ve heard of a sixteen year old keeping a deadline?

Anyways, let’s dive right in, shall we?

Super Mario 3D World

Developer: Nintendo EAD Tokyo

Publisher: Nintendo

Platform: Wii U

Release Date: December 2013

I didn’t play Super Mario 3D Land, but if I do get a Wii U, this game will be near the top of my must-buy list. I’m betting that this game won’t be nearly as good as Super Mario 64 or Super Mario Galaxies 1 and 2, but it will, in all likelihood, be a really good time.

Interest level: 4/5

Super Smash Bros. Wii U/3DS

Developer: Sora Ltd./Namco Bandai Games

Publisher: Nintendo

Platforms: What does it say in the title, jackass?

Release Date: 2014

Oh my God. Yes.

The Smash Bros. franchise is what got me into video gaming. At the spry (Confession: I’m not entirely sure what spry means.) age of six, wide-eyed little me rushed downstairs on Christmas morning and excitedly tore into my presents. As luck would have it, this was also the Christmas that my parents decided to afflict technology addiction on me. The last present I opened was, to my surprise, a Nintendo GameCube. Wrapped in the bundle with the GameCube was Super Smash Bros. Melee. This was my first video game console and game that I had truly appreciated (My parents had made the mistake of giving my brother and I an NES…When I was three and he was two. Needless to say, the poor NES did not last long.). When I was eleven, I waited impatiently while Super Smash Bros. Brawl got delayed again and again and again. When I finally received my pre-ordered copy, I popped the disc into my Wii and, within five minutes, was ready to declare it the best game ever made.

Of course, that was only because I hadn’t played E.T. yet.

Anyways, I may cover more of Smash Bros. in another article.

Interest Level: 5/5

Yoshi’s New Island 

Developer: Arzest

Publisher: Nintendo

Platform: 3DS

Release Date: 2014

Ever since I saw the poor fella being callously betrayed in Super Mario World, Yoshi has been my favourite Mario Bros character. I mean, come on. The poor bastard raises Mario from birth, puts up with his fucked up crying, and is the sole reason the the greasy plumber lived to beat the shit out of Bowser every other day, and Mario repays him by dumping him off a cliff.

Seriously though, how much does Baby Mario suck?

I don’t see why you’d need Yoshi’s Island in 3D though. Seems like overkill. Also, I don’t much feel like depleting my precious Smash Bros budget.

Interest Level: 1.5/5

Sonic Lost World

Developer: Sonic Team, Dimps (3DS)

Publisher: Sega

Platform: Wii U/3DS

Release Date: Holiday 2013

I’m pretty sure I stopped giving a shit about Sonic. It may have been when Big the Cat was introduced. Or, you know, when Sega introduced bestiality into the franchise. 

What the fuck is going through Knuckle’s mind here? I can’t tell if he’s disgusted or horny.

Interest Level: 1.5/5

Beyond: Two Souls

Developer: Quantic Dream

Publisher: Sony Computer Entertainment

Platform: PS3

Release Date: October 8, 2013

Fuck, man, if knowing that Ellen Page and Willem Dafoe are in this game…

And I do mean…

…IN the fucking game…

isn’t enough to convince you to buy it, then nothing is.

Interest Level: 5/5

The Last of Us

Developer: Naughty Dog

Publisher: Sony Computer Entertainment

Platform: PS3, PS4

Release Date: June 14, 2013

I’ve never been one for horror, but from what I’ve seen and heard, The Last of Us looks fan-fucking -tastic. Story-driven action-adventure is most definitely my cup of tea, and I would get a PlayStation to try it out.

I mean, just fucking YouTube it, all right? It looks like Fallout meets Resident Evil.

Interest Level: 5/5

Kingdom Hearts 3

Developer: Square Enix First Production Department

Publisher: Square Enix

Platform: Playstation 4, Xbox One

Release Date: TBA

As you may or may not know, I have a morbid fascination with Disney.  And, from what I’ve heard, Kingdom Hearts is like the Avengers of Disney classics plus a bunch of anime characters I don’t give a shit about. I hope that the PS4 has backwards compatibility so I can play through the first two (main) games. 

Eh, oh well. As long as it includes Lion King characters, I’ll be happy.

Interest Level: 4/5

Assassin’s Creed IV: Black Flag

Developer: Ubisoft Montreal

Publisher: Ubisoft

Platform: PC, PS3, PS4, Wii U, Xbox 360, Xbox One

Release Date: TBA

For fuck’s sake, Desmond Miles must be the most impossibly mixed-race man in the world. Arab, Italian, Aboriginal and, um, pirate? Okay then. Doesn’t distract from the fact that this series should have ended two games ago.

Interest Level: 2.5/5

South Park: The Stick of Truth

Developer: Obsidian Entertainment

Publisher: Ubisoft

Platform: PC, PS3, Xbox 360

Release Date: Holiday 2013

Dude who cares about my two cents? It’s South Park! Of course it’ll be awesome! When have Trey Parker and Matt Stone ever failed us?

Baseketball.jpg

Oh. Right. Never mind.

Interest Level: 5/5

Batman: Arkham Origins 

Developer: Warner Bros. Games Montreal

Publisher: Warner Bros. Interactive Entertainment

Platform: PC, PS3, Wii U, Xbox 360

Release Date: October 25, 2013

Batman-Arkham-Origins-Box-Art.jpg

Motherfucker, I don’t need to tell you to pre-order this immediately, do I?

Any ways, tomorrow (I promise) I’ll have a look at the consoles highlighted at the convention and deci, once and for all, who won E3 2013.

E3 Convention Part 1: The Games

Sorry for not having done a post in so long, faithful followers (All three of you!) but I’ve been somewhat busy being, y’know, a sixteen year old with other things to do. Also, I get killer writer’s block. Writer’s block this bad is what usually leads to crock like Sum 41`’s Underclass Hero or X-Men Origins: Wolverine  being produced.

“Hey, I have an idea! Why don’t we use the one character whose entire premise is that he’s hilarious and can’t shut up, give him a couple of lines in the beginning of the movie, and then sew his goddamned mouth shut?”

“Sure why not? Comic book fans appreciate change, right?”

Seriously though, how fucking stupid was that scene?

Anyways, since I can’t think of anything to write in my letter to Ramon Ortiz, I decided to cover part of the E3 conference, since it’s especially interesting this year, as all three of the big video game developers (Microsoft, Nintendo and Sony) are releasing their so-called “Eighth Generation” consoles. I thought I’d give my two cents on the whole convention, specifically the consoles and some of the games that were presented.

Quick note: I currently have an Xbox 360 (which I love and use all the time) and a Nintendo Wii (which I love even more, yet use less). I also love pretty much any Nintendo game. Remember this bias when you read on. I am easily swayed by Italian plumbers and gay elves.

“This is the gay elf you meant, right?”

“Tell me again why I let you pick my photos.”

Also, these are only games I give two shits about.

 

Call Of Duty: Ghosts

Developer: Infinity Ward

Publisher: Activision Blizzard

Platforms: PC, PS3, PS4, Wii U, Xbox 360, Xbox One

Expected Release Date: November 5, 2013

Short Diagnosis:

  • Beautiful Graphics
  • Does this title mean Ghost from Modern Warfare 2 is back?
  •  How much you wanna bet that this game is gonna be the exact same as the last Call of Duty… And the last one…and the last one…

My Interest Level: 4/5 (Very Interested)

Deadpool

Developer: High Moon Studios

Publisher: Activision Blizzard

Platforms: PC/PS3/Xbox 360

Expected Release Date: June 25, 2013

  • Someone tell Gavin Hood that THIS is what Deadpool looks and sounds like.
  • The game will be rated M, so it will be Wade Wilson in his full, unedited glory.
  • Seriously, are they making the Deadpool movie, or no? Probably not. Fucking Fox probably won’t let them. One more reason why Marvel Studios should just reclaim all the rights.

Interest Level: 5/5 (Extremely Interested)

Never mind. Faith in Fox recovered.

Destiny

Developer: Bungie (They kept working after Halo?)

Publisher: Activision Blizzard

Platforms: PS3, PS4, Xbox 360, Xbox One

Expected Release Date: TBA 2014

  • The developers really seem to have taken the time to create a huge, creative universe. That seems to be a good sign. (Skyfall and such.)
  • As is looking typical with these next-gen games, it looks awesome.
  • I’m thinking the gameplay itself is a little too similar to Halo.

Interest Level: 3/5 (Interested)

The Elder Scrolls Online

Developer: ZeniMax Online Studios

Publisher: Bethesda Softworks

Platforms: PC/PS4/Xbox One

Expected Release Date: Spring 2014

  • Holyshitholyshitholyshit it’s another Elder Scrolls game!
  • Unlike Skyfall, this game is a multiplayer.
  •  I have the lingering suspicion that making it a multiplayer might dilute some of the greatness of Skyfall

Interest Level: 3/5 (Interested, because while I’m sure this game will be excellent, I’m not even done playing Skyfall)

 

Wolfenstein: The New Order

Developer: MachineGames

Publisher: Bethesda Softworks

Platforms: PC/PS3/PS4/Xbox 360/Xbox One

Expected Release Date: December 2013

I actually don`t know shit about the Wolfenstein franchise, but any game that involves killing Nazis in an alternate universe deserves at least some of my attention.

Interest Level: 2.5/5 (Mildly Interested)

 

Battlefield 4

Developer: EA Digital Illusions CE

Publisher: EA

Platforms: PC/PS3/PS4/Xbox 360/Xbox One

Expected Release Date: October 29, 2013

  • I used to defend Call of Duty against Battlefield fanboys. I think I might be overdue for a conversion. This looks even better than the new COD game.
  • I’ve said it before in this article and I will say it again: The graphics are fucking gorgeous.
  • I have no real doubts other than the fact that I can’t play Battlefield to save my life.

Interest Level: 4.5/5 (Very, very interested)

 

Assorted EA Sports Games

Move along folks, nothing new to see here.

 

Star Wars: Battlefront (Holy Shit. Yes.) 

Developer: EA Digital Illusions CE

Publisher: EA, LucasArts

Platforms: PC/PS4/Xbox One

Expected Release Date: TBA

No real details have been released, yet, but holy crap, they better make this happen!!!

Interest Level: 5/5

 

Untitled Halo Game 

Developer: 343 Industries

Publisher: Microsoft Studios

Platforms: Xbox One

Expected Release Date: 2014

I’ve never been a huge Halo fan, but what better time then now to convert? On the other hand…

Halo-spartan-assault-boxart.png

This looks like a piece of shit.

Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze

Developer: Retro Studios

Publisher: Nintendo

Platform: Wii U

Expected Release Date: November 2013

I haven’t played Donkey Kong Country Returns yet, but I’m almost always down for Nintendo platformers. You know, as long as they don’t include too much crying Baby Marios.

People who discourage child abuse have obviously never had this happen to them.

Interest Level: 3/5

 

The Legend of Zelda: A Link Between Two Worlds

Developer: Nintendo EAD

Publisher: Nintendo

Platform: Nintendo 3DS

A sequel to A Link to the Past, A Link Between Two Worlds carries on the Zelda franchise’s proud tradition of using their protagonist’s name as a way of getting around actually having to think of an original title. (Also, I realized that I don’t know enough about these E3 games to come up with 3 points about them, so as of  four entries ago, the format has changed.)

Interest Level: 2.5/5

 

The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker HD

Developer: Nintendo EAD

Publisher: Nintendo

Platform: Wii U

I think I just got a tear in my eye. I can still remember diving into the land of Hyrule for the first time with this game at the tender age  of 6…. Also, not understanding what the fuck I was supposed to do. Because, you know, I was six.

This game has since become my favourite from the Nintendo Gamecube. You know, aside from the sailing, which was tedious as all hell.

That said, I have no reason at all to buy this “enhanced” version. Next.

Is it any wonder I’m distrustful of enhanced versions?

Interest Level: 1/5

 

Mario Kart 8

Developer: Nintendo EAD

Publisher: Nintendo

Platform: Wii U

Just another excuse to be uber-competitive and say horrifying things that no person should say to another human being and reduce my friends and family to tears? Fuck yes.

As if we didn’t have enough of those.

 

Interest Level: 5/5

 

Pikmin 3

Developer: Nintendo EAD

Publisher: Nintendo

Platform: Wii U

Great! Another entry in the Pikmin  franchise to say I’ve played!

Interest Level: 2/5

 

Pokemon X and Y

Developer: Game Freak

Publisher: Nintendo, The Pokemon Company

Platform: 3DS

Oh c’mon..More fucking Pokemon? What I wouldn’t give for the days when just 150 was enough. Also, what in the fuck is this?

Xerneas? We’re naming them after Greek gods now? No more original names? Fuck this, I`m out.

Interest Level: 2/5

 

Well, this was a disappointing article huh?  Writer’s block will do that to you.

Anyways, check in tomorrow for a conclusion of my E3 review.

(Again real sorry about this shitty article.)