Can you imagine how much more disturbing this would be if this death list was comprised of real people?
DISCLAIMER: Game of Thrones spoilers lay ahead. If you haven’t caught up with the rest of us, then a) seriously reconsider your life choices and b) read a different post on my wonderful blog. I can’t even type that without snickering.
Also, I haven’t read the novels, so don’t spoil anything for me, pretty please.
Sunday night was the season premiere of what is currently the best show on television bar none, Game of Thrones. Being an extremely intense fan of the show, I tend to go a little bit overboard with my GOT fandom. I have been known to spend several hours finding online quizzes to determine which noble family I would belong to. I think most of the quizzes placed me in house Arryn. I’m not sure how I feel about that.
Lisa Tully and Robin Arryn aren’t the most appealing relatives, truth be told.
Anyways, since I recently watched the infamous “Red Wedding” episode in order to catch up, I, overcome with intensity and emotion following the callous murder of some of my favourite characters (Damn you, George R.R. Martin!!!), I stole a page from Kill Bill and made a list of characters that I hope die this season because, well, they’re just awful, awful people. Obviously, these characters aren’t gonna be killed off, because they’re all fantastic characters and the show would become about a million times less interesting, but nonetheless, here’s my Game of Thrones death list.
Melisandre
Also known as “The Red Woman”, the “Lady of Light” and “Shadow Demon Vagina Wench”.
House: N/A
Allegiance: Stannis Baratheon
One of the lessons I’ve taken away from Game of Thrones is to never trust deeply religious gingers.
Melisandre is the creepy companion of the One True King, Stannis Baratheon (Who, unfortunately, is also unhinged) and is convinced that he is the chosen one who will convert the Westerosi people to into followers of R’hllor, the Lord of Light, of whom she is a devout follower. Now, I’m all for people being religious if it improves them as human beings and if they don’t screw with anybody else’s business. Melisandre, however, is clearly not of the “live and let die” persuasion, forcibly converting Stannis’ men and his wife, beginning an affair with Stannis (His wife is completely okay with it, but his wife’s also an insane hermit who keeps stillborn fetuses in jars) and, most weirdly, giving birth to some sort of shadow demon that murders Stannis’ brother and challenger to the Iron Throne, Renly Baratheon.
She is crazy, ruthless, manipulative, and is completely in favour of murdering innocents if she thinks it’ll further the Lord of Light’s cause. She’s gotta go.
Gregor Clegane
Also known as “The Mountain That Rides”, which, if nothing else, makes me feel really sorry for his horse.
House: Lannister bannerman
Allegiance: Joffrey Baratheon
Truth be told, we haven’t actually seen too, too much of Gregor Clegane, but we have heard some pretty awful stories about him massacring Elia Martell’s children before raping and murdering her, disfiguring his younger brother Sandor as a child, attempting to murder Ser Loras for beating him in a joust (Though he did decapitate his horse in a fit of rage) and slaughtering the Stark prisoners at Harrenhall.
Lord knows that I’m not the biggest fan of “The Hound” (Although he is growing on me), but his brother is much, much worse. I, for one, hope Oberyn Martell takes sweet, sweet revenge on this psychotic piece of shit.
And speaking of psychotic pieces of shit…
Ramsay Snow
Anybody else think he looks like a sociopathic hobbit? Just me? Alright, moving on then.
House: Bolton
Allegiance: Joffrey Baratheon
The illegitimate son of the coward, Roose Bolton, Ramsay Snow didn’t really look like much other than a deadly archer who looked like he was going to save Theon Greyjoy (A shoo-in for this list if I didn’t feel so sorry for him) from his rapist torturers, whom Ramsay killed mercilessly. However, as it turned out, Snow was his captor, and imprisons him once again, this time personally torturing the would-be conqueror, flaying him alive, beating him until he calls himself “Reek” and, worst of all, cutting off his Theon’s dick and mailing it to his family in the Iron Islands, which prompts Yara Greyjoy’s rescue mission.
I could almost tolerate his massacre of the Ironborn, because they were such shitheads, but he also burnt down Winterfell (And murdered the Ironborn) for no apparent reason other than the fact that he gets off on it, or something. The North will never be safe as long as this twerp is still breathing.
To be continued…
Please Kill the Messenger 