Left Behind (Movie Review)

…So it’s come to this, has it, Cage?

 Vic Armstrong is a name that, I believe should be a household one by now. He, for the uninitiated, is an award-winning stuntman who has stood in for such legends as Harrison Ford in the Indiana Jones  movie, Christopher Reeve in the first two Superman , George Lazenby in On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, and, uh, Timothy Dalton in his supporting role in Flash Gordon.

What you are likely less than aware of is that Armstrong has also directed a couple of movies. One was released way back in 1993, a little-know, probably terrible Dolph Lundgren movie named Joshua Tree. His second movie was released in 2014, and was a reboot of a series of movies based on a bunch of faith-based novels known as the Left Behind series. Does the legendary stuntman’s success translate into directorial gold?

Well, you could watch the movie and find out! Or, preferably, you could snort a metric ton of anthrax. At least the latter  guarantees that you never have to think about this movie ever again.

Left Behind

Directed by: Vic Armstrong

Produced by: Michael Walker, Paul LaLonde

Written by: Paul LaLonde, John Patus

Genre: Disaster (How appropriate)

Based on: Left Behind by Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins

Starring: Nicolas Cage, Chad Michael Murray, Cassi Thomson, Nicky Whelan, Jordin Sparks

Music by: Jack Lenz

Plot: Nicolas Cage plays a pilot who is being unfaithful to his wife, who he, along with his daughter (Cassi Thomson) has been growing apart from after her conversion to Christianity. One day, while Cage is piloting the plane with a motley crew of passengers, as his daughter hangs out with her mom, a sudden event occurs in which people all over the world, including Nicolas Cage’s wife, vanish into thin air. As Cage attempts to safely land a plane full of super confused people , his daughter runs around the city screaming for her mom and brother. Enthralling entertainment, isn’t it?

Now, I’m going to be upfront: I am not a religious person. I don’t think I ever bought into religion, even as a kid (I was more into worshiping Spider-Man and Pokemon), and no form of religion has done even a passable job of swaying me to their side. However, i also believe that personal beliefs should be set aside when objectively reviewing movies, so, after setting aside my atheism, I watched this movie, and what did I think?

This movie is the cinematic equivalent of a dumpster fire.

I like to start these reviews with something positive, however miniscule it may be (Unintentional hilarity doesn’t really count). To date, the only movie that I haven’t been able to find anything positive in was Movie 43. It may have company. The only thing that I can think of in this movie that isn’t totally awful is the fact that at one point, after what seems like years, it ends. Hell, even Movie 43 looks like it has the production value of a bona fide movie, even if it was put to the worst use possible. This movie is not only terrible, it looks terrible. Somehow, a movie with a budget of sixteen million dollars ended up looking worse than a goddamn Hallmark movie. The direction is terribly bland, and the cinematography is incredibly dull and unpleasant to look at. The soundtrack is one of the laziest I’ve ever heard (Imagine a stripped-down instrumental adult pop rock song. Now quarter its already nonexistent quality) and the special effects are just plain bad.

So, aesthetically, Left Behind is nothing to be proud of. How about the writing. Surely, the writers were invested in at least injecting some semblance of a solid plot into their Evangelical propaganda (Which this movie very openly is, by the way. The original book was written by Reverend Tim LaHaye, for fuck’s sake.)?

Surprise!!! The writing in this movie makes George Lucas’s love scenes look like something Quentin Tarantino might’ve written. The dialogue is unlistenably awkward and clumsy, and the characters are all unimaginative stereotypes. Nicolas Cage is the good-hearted heathen. His daughter is the atheist who is angry at the world and just needed a push in the right direction. Chad Michael Murray is the jaded, worldly journalist who has seen too much (Fun fact: That character was played by Kirk Cameron in the original Left Behind movie. Go figure). And if you think that the main characters are the worst part of the movie… Well, they are, but the supporting characters (AKA The heretics on board the airplane) are awful too. Off the top of my head, I can name “Little Person With a Napoleon Complex”, “Greedy, Capitalistic Texan” and “Drug-Addled Basket Case”. The Transformers franchise has better characters than this movie, and those movies have a presumably drug addled John Turturro, annoying stoner parents, a pedophilie that we’re supposed to root for and racist robots.

Suddenly, Dumbo‘s crow characters look absolutely PC.

Terribly conceived characters are one thing, but if the actors at least deliver, it could at least make up for the shortcomings in the writing. Unfortunately, nobody delivers. The supporting actors bring absolutely nothing to the table. Chad Michael Murray (Of One Tree Hill and A Madea Christmas “fame”) is boring and brings nothing to the character. Cassi Thomson is fucking annoying. Her brother literally vanishes into midair and she spends literally half the movie looking for him, screaming “RAYMIE!!!!!!!” the entire fucking time. The only hope this movie had was Nicolas Cage, and all the batshit insanity that comes with him. And what does he do? Scream about nonsense? Light himself on fire? Do an awesome Adam West impression?

Whatever the fuck is going on here?

No. Nothing. He is SO. FUCKING. BORING, you guys. He clearly has absolutely no desire to be in this movie (Imagine that, a bad movie Nic Cage doesn’t want to be him), more or less sleepwalking through the whole movie.

Also, the movie is not only terrible, it’s fucking insulting. Specifically, the minute, the fucking MINUTE that all the super-devout Christians were raptured, society absolutely collapses. Because god forbid that society is left with a bunch of liberal Christians, atheists, and people of different faiths. It’s not like people of mostly non-devout backgrounds have ever made an advanced civilization for themselves. It’s not like Japan exists, or something.

Japan, post-rapture.

 If this movie was really trying to say that society would immediately devolve into chaos if devout Christians were taken out of the picture, and not even try to make something entertaining out of it, well then, fuck this movie. Fuck it. Nobody involved in this movie is worthy of your respect. Nicolas Cage has tarnished any good thing (Or so bad it’s good thing) that he’s ever done. I can never watch the Indiana Jones trilogy again without thinking “Oh, that stuntman directed Left Behind.”

You’ve done it Left Behind. You are actually the worst movie I’ve ever seen. Worse than The Room. Worse than The Last Airbender. Worse than Movie 43, even. Hell, it’s so bad, it has broken my beloved review scale.

No! Please! Anything but my generic, unspectacular review scale!!!

Dear god people, do not support this movie. Just don’t.

Overall: I hope every copy of this movie, online or otherwise, spontaneously combusts.

Rating: -3/10

If you need me, I’ll be watching Kick-Ass while sobbing uncontrollably.

The Golden Raspberry Awards!!!

Oh boy, here we go…

Ugghh…. As is typical, the nominations for the infamous Golden Raspberry Awards (Or “Razzies”) were annnounced and, just like last year, it’s my duty to review these movies along with the Oscar nominees (Which are going to be announced on Thursday), culminating in my predictions on the night of the awards. This year’s “Worst Picture” nominees are:

  • Left Behind. My choice for worst movie of 2014. Not looking forward to watching this one again (As if I’m looking forward to any of them. My God). It’s one of two movies hell-bent on pushing a hardcore Christian agenda on its viewers. Did it work? Ha-ha. No.
  • The Legend of Hercules: Brett Ratner’s movie was better. This movie will never live that down.
  • Saving Christmas: This is the other religious movie I was talking about, as well as Kirk Cameron’s latest stop in his trip down the toilet bowl of irrelevancy.
  •  Teenage Mutant Ninja TurtlesThe only one of the nominees that I’ve already reviewed already. Thank God that’s out of the way.
  • Transformers: Age of Extinction: Left Behind’s only real competition for worst movie of the year (Although I haven’t seen Saving Christmas yet, so maybe it has a shot).

So, these movies are the ones that are definitely getting reviews, on top of the Oscar movies. Maybe I’ll watch another one of the movies nominated for other categories. Probably not though. These movies blow, you guys.

Top 10 Worst Movies of 2014

These freaks just missed out, but don’t worry, they’ll have the opportunity to royally fuck up in the sequel.

So, it’s that time of the year again. It’s time to take a break from my Golden Globe reviews and take a look at the year’s best movies. However, because I’m a masochist, and also because I want to end the year on a positive note, I’m going to get through my Top 10 worst movies of this past year. God help us all.

Here are some things to keep in mind before getting into this list.

  • I don’t watch horror movies. A lot of deserving movies were left off of this list as a result. You got lucky, Ouija. 
  • I didn’t get to see every bad movie this year, mainly because life is too damn short to pay full price for Exodus: Gods and Kings. When the Golden Raspberries come around, I may review some or all of them.
  • I feel like I shouldn’t  have to say this, but with the internet, you can never be too careful. This list is purely opinion-based and totally biased. If you personally liked a movie on this list, that’s your opinion, more power to you. However, I, personally thought they were crap.

Alright, let’s get through this shit.

10. A Haunted House 2

The tagline is the funniest thing about this movie.

Do you remember when Marlon Wayans was actually really good in Requiem for a Dream? Or when he was very funny as a dumb stoner in the first Scary Movie? Well, that was fourteen years ago. Now, the things he’s most recognized for are the knock-offs of the Scary Movie franchise known as the A Haunted House series. I suppose these movies deserve some credit for being funnier than anything Scary Movie has done since 2000, but when you consider that the comedic high points of Scary Movie after the first one have been the George Carlin cameo on Scary Movie 3 and Charlie Sheen dying due to a boner pill-related incident in Scary Movie 4, that becomes less impressive.

To be fair, A Haunted House 2 is definitely better than its rubbish predecessor, and it does have some funny moments. Marlon Wayans would be a lot funnier to me if he didn’t go so over-the-top and drag out so much of his jokes to the point where they become obnoxious. Problem is, he does both. And then some. This movie over-steps my tolerance for annoying stupidity by miles. It can get a chuckle out of you every now and then, but for the most part, it’s just a sloppy mess.

You know, unless you’re into Marlon Wayans fucking Annabelle. Then, you’re in for a treat.

9. Sex Tape

Lesson learned: Make sure you have Safe Search on before looking up a movie named “Sex Tape” if you don’t want to see Z-list celebrities porking, ever.

There are many things that I never need to see again in my life. One of them is Jason Segel’s ass.

As obnoxious as A Haunted House 2 was, at least it had enough effort and energy put into it to make it seem like a relatively short dumpster fire of a movie. Sex Tape, on the other hand, feels like a fucking slog through the Valley of Death, except in this Valley, you have Cameron Diaz and Jason Segel yammering obnoxiously into your ear the whole time. I love Jason Segel, but for God’s sake, I can’t possibly turn a blind eye to this atrocity!!!

The one saving grace that this movie had was Rob Lowe. Maybe it’s just because everything else was so dull by comparison, but I found the scenes in his house to be borderline hilarious.

Also, searching “rob lowe sex tape” like I did for this movie? Stupid idea.

8. I, Frankenstein

Are those seriously supposed to be weapons he’s holding?

After Legend of Hercules came out the week before, I think pretty much anybody was ready to see I, Frankenstein as an improvement. And, it was! I mean, it was still shit, but hey…It was better than Legend of Hercules???


Look, I’ve heard people defend this movie as a Street Fighter style guilty pleasure movie, and if that’s how you want to look at it, fine, that’s your opinion, but I just couldn’t stand it. At least Street Fighter had the late Raul Julia to keep me entertained. This movie, on the other hand, had Aaron Eckhart doing his best Christian Bale as Batman impersonation, Bill Nighy phoning it in, and some decent action scenes sprinkled throughout. Shit, man, Jai Courtney was the best part of this movie, and I’m not even sure I’ll ever forgive him for being in that John Moore-directed Bruce Willis ego trip that we do not speak of.

Ugh. So many people worked so hard on these movies and I’m just shitting all over them. It’s times like these that I wish I could just see other humans as a means for my own personal amusement. Sociopaths have it so much easier.


Or so my cat tells me.

7. Vampire Academy

Sorry guys. “Better than Twilight” is not exactly a benchmark for glory.

You said it, caption.

Thanks, Kenny!!!

Raise your hand if you wanted to see a cross between Mean Girls and Twilight this year. Oh, really, you didn’t want to see 104 minutes of Zoey Deutch doing an awkward impersonation of Ellen Page in Juno while going to a school for vampires? Of course you fucking didn’t. You’re an intelligent human being.

Unless you liked it, in which case it’s just your opinion, and that’s fine, yadda yadda yadda.

One of my pet peeves is when movies, and it seems this is popular among young adult movies try to really go the quirky route, like Juno did. Problem is, they rarely do it well Vampire Academy is no exception.

Also, in case this movie wasn’t already begging for ridicule, it does that thing where it sets up a sequel that’s never going to happen. That’s so pathetic, I almost want to see them go through with the sequel out of self-pity.

6. Tammy

Ugh…. You can do so much better, Mel…

I like Melissa McCarthy. Really, I do. And it does make me feel better to know that she was really good in St. Vincent (Either my next or second-next movie review, by the way), but that doesn’t make me feel any better when I call Tammy, a passion project of Melissa and her husband, about as amusing as getting your legs shattered by a cement block.

Though they do give you morphine after the latter, so that’s the deciding point in leg-shattering’s favour.

Ugh. Halfway through. You can do this Rollins! YOU CAN FUCKING DO THIS!!!

5. The Nut Job

If it wasn’t for The LEGO Movie, this would’ve been a terrible year for Will Arnett.

2014 was a great year for animated movies. Between How to Train Your Dragon 2, The LEGO Movie and Big Hero 6, there were no shortage of entertaining films for children, parents, stoners, and creepy bearded men with questionable taste in love interests to watch at the movies this year.

The Nut Job is not one of them. Holy fuck do I ever this movie to just vanish from existence. There were instants when the animation was kinda cool, but for the most part, the voice actors were phoning it in, the animation is dull, the humour is nonexistent, and the message that they try to tack on at the very end when the writers realized at the last minute that they needed to bring this aimless pile of fuck-all to a close is generic bullshit that doesn’t even really make any sense. My only consolation is that it didn’t do all that well at the box office, and we don’t have to worry about a seq-


Fuck this. I’m a legal adult. There’s no way I’m finishing this list sober.

4. The Legend of Hercules

Not even Kellan Lutz’s abs could help this movie not be a bomb.

Oh man, multiple shots of Fireball make the prospect of getting through this list seem much more bearable.

Anyways, when comparing two movies, one directed by Renny Harlin, the director of Die Harder, and one directed by Brett “Rehearsal is for fags” Ratner, that are trying to do stories based upon the same character, which movie would you expect to be the better one?

The correct answer was “Not the homophobic jackass who directed X-Men 3“. However, while Ratner’s movie was about as dumbly entertaining as one would expect, it looked like The Godfather compared to The Legend of Hercules. I’m not going to talk more about it, as I’m 100% sure I’m going to do a Golden Raspberry review of it later on, but god, does it suck. Don’t watch it. Don’t.

Mmm…It burns so good going down…

3. Are You Here

Oh, look, Amy Poehler’s watching The Legend of Hercules.

Oh, right, this fucking movie,.

This god awful piece of shit was easily the worst comedy of this year. At least the others on this list had something bearable about them. This one was just awful all around. The acting was bad. The jokes weren’t even remotely funny. The commentary is not insightful. There is a graphic scene in which Owen Wilson cuts the head off of a chicken. And there’s another scene that I can’t recall, as my brain is currently in the process of recovering from the drinking binge I just underwent to erase these movies from my brain. I spent six hours drunkenly playing Super Metroid and screaming at the screen until I blacked out.


Oh. I remember. In case you were wondering, the scene that I’m trying to remember is the one where Zach Galifianakis fucks his stepmother.

If you need me, I’ll be playing Kirby Super Star  while blasted on absinthe.

2. Transformers: Age of Extinction

The Dinobots were not the best part of this movie. Just throwing that out there.

So… I may be going away for a while after this post.

So, this movie is the one that made me realize once and for all that I am no longer willing to go to any movie that Michael Bay directed. Excuse me for being fairly brief in the last few reviews, but it’s only because I’m so sure that I’m going to need to do a full review of them later, anyways. All you need to know about his movie is that it’s 165 minutes long, it’s one giant Michael Bay orgasm of noise and concussive explosions, and the girl who ruined Katara is there to serve as eye candy for the 80% of the audience who were already bored and exhausted 30 minutes into the movie.

Huh. Suddenly, I hate what has become of my life a little less.


But y’know, if you liked it, whatever.

1. Left Behind

This movie is almost as bad as the photoshop on this poster.


To be continued…

All work, no play and Left Behind make Kenny a dull boy…All work, no play and Left Behind make Kenny a dull boy…All work, no play and Left Behind make Kenny a dull boy…