Game of Thrones- Season 5, Episode 10: Mother’s Mercy

MERCY!?!?!?!?!

My life since five o’clock Monday has been an endless string of heartbreak and disappointment. After I got home, I turned on the Blue Jays game, hoping to see them continue a eleven-game win streak.

They blew it in the eleventh inning.

Then, I watched Team Canada play the Netherlands in the Women’s World Cup.

The Dutch scored in the last ten minutes to tie it.

I watched Nintendo’s E3 Digital Event, where they announced a new Metroid Prime game!!!

Except it looks like a generic space shooter piece of shit that doesn’t even have Samus Aran.

And then, I got to watching this latest Game of Thrones episode.

After it ended, I promptly turned off the TV, quietly returned to my room, stared at my House Stark shirt for a while, and blew my brains out.

SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT

Winterfell

Stannis Baratheon’s sacrifice of his daughter has had a mixed effect on the war effort. On one hand, the weather has improved noticeably, meaning that Stannis will have no trouble marching on Winterfell. On the other hand, half of his army and the entire cavalry have deserted, because, as it turns out, burning your daughter at the stake to appease a demon-god isn’t exactly all that encouraging to an army fighting for your right to the throne of a country. .

“Yeah, these seems like the actions of the guy we want as the king of seven kingdoms.”- Insane people.

Also, his creepy wife has hanged herself, And Melisandre has fled, because she’s just a coward, when it comes down to it. Despite all these monumental setbacks, Stannis decides to march on Winterfell, because if I was gradually realizing what a stupid, horrible, irredeemable human being I was, I would probably have a death wish too. It goes about as well as one would expect.

Meanwhile, in Winterfell, Sansa escapes her room while Ramsey is off at the battle. She lights the signal for help from Brienne and Podrick (Who juuuuuuuuuust miss her, of course), but is caught by Reek and Myranda, the latter of whom threatens to mutilate her until Reek, hopefully beginning the long road to redemption, shoves her off the ramparts so we can see her crazy psycho head crack open on the cold ground below. When they notice that the Bolton army is returning to Winterfell, Sansa and Theon…. Jump off the castle walls…?

Sure, that seems survivable……Maybe?

Anyway, Stannis is wandering half-dead in the forest, still somehow murdering the shit out of Bolton until he collapses against a tree. Then Brienne appears and…Yeah. Another one bites the dust.

Somebody should get on a “Another One Bites the Dust”/Game of Thrones crossover video, by the way.

I guess there is the small possibility that he is alive, just because they never actually showed him getting offed, and they’ve never been big on cliffhangers, but… I wouldn’t bet on it.

Shit, for all we know, Sansa and Theon are dead or crippled at the bottom of the castle walls.

..Maybe the next segment won’t be so depressing?

King’s Landing

Ugh…

Cersei confesses her sins to the High Sparrow, admitting to having sex with Lancel, her cousin, but not with Jaime. The Sparrow says that she still has to stand trial for the crimes she denied, but that he will grant her the Mother’s Mercy and allow her to go back to the Red Keep…. On foot, escorted by the Faith Militant, with her hair chopped off and naked, with the unwashed masses screaming abuse at her.

I’m at the point with Cersei that I think I’ve gotten all the joy I can from Cersei’s misery. I legitimately felt bad for her this time around, if only because I hope that this is the next step towards her redemption, but knowing Cersei, she’s probably gonna start drowning puppies and staking the hearts of orphans the minute she stops crying. Or, at the latest, when she learns what went down in Dorne.

Oh, also, The Mountain is apparently Frankenstein. Joy.

Spain Dorne

After a goodbye kiss with Ellaria Sand (I love Dorne), Myrcella and Jaime chat with each other on the boat. During this conversation, Myrcella reveals that she knows that Jaime is actually her father as well as her uncle, which was actually a really touching scene, for one that centres around incest, and throws another wrench into what was already a really complicated fam-OH MY GOD, ELLARIA, YOU FUCKING BITCH. 

Shit, talk about salvaging a storyline at the last minute!

I guess that leaves Tommen as the last of Cersei and Jaime’s kids. What reputations for Tommen to live up to: a weird-looking psychopathic brat, and an amorous tween who got murdered by a vengeful Spaniard.

Oh, shit….She got Inigo Montoya’d!

Braavos

Oh, Jesus, what the hell did happen in Braavos?

Well, I do know that Arya sliced the absolute shit out of Meryn Trant. That was awesome. I don’t care if it was essentially torture porn, I enjoyed every minute of it.

Then, Arya goes back to the House of Black and White, and this is when things got a little confusing for my primitive lizard brain. So, Jaqen is mad at her for killing Trant instead of the Thin Man, and he’s about to kill her because “a life for a life” ‘n shit, then he kills himself instead of her, and then the blind girl turns into Jaqen, which is weird, and then the dead guy is No One, which is already an abstract concept, and does that mean that Jaqen is the Many-Faced God oh, god, I’m so confused and Oh shit Arya, what the fuck is happening to your eyes?!?!?!

Meereen 

Team-up time! Yaaaaaayyyy I love team-up time!!!!

And Varys! Yaaaaayyyy! I don’t completely despise Varys!

The Wall

….Fuck Olly and fuck his dead parents.

Overall: …………….Ugh…….It’s still a great episode, but….Ugh.

Rating: 8/10

So, I’m planning a more formal (Well, for me) review of the entire season, but it probably won’t be out for a couple of weeks, as I wanted to review Inside Out this weekend without worrying about another big review, and, while I am moderately excited for Ted 2, it’s not that big a movie for me, so, yeah. The Season 5 review is coming in two weeks. Be there or…..I don’t know, don’t I guess. God, I’m dead inside.

Ugh, fuck you Olly. Just fucking die already.

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Game of Thrones- Season 5, Episode 8: Hardhome (SPOILER Review/Recap)

That sound you hear is the ghosts from Return of the King shitting themselves.

“Wednesday”, he said,,, “No later than Wednesday”, he said…

SPOILER ALERT. OBVIOUSLY.

King’s Landing

I’m just gonna leave this here. That seems to sum it up all right.

Braavos

Since we last saw her, Arya has adopted the identity of Lana, an oyster seller with a questionable haircut who, under the orders of Jaqen H’gar, takes a wrong turn from her regular route and comes across a sleazy life insurance salesman. After LanArya reports back to Jaqen, he tells her that this guy is a complete and utter douche who refuses to pay out to the families of his clients. Speaking of which, one of said families has hired the Faceless Men to murder him, and Jaqen, apparently being one to pass the buck, passes the job off to LanArya, who is to learn everything she can about the salesman before poisoning him. I was kinda hoping that she would turn him into a pincushion (Get it!?!?), but whatever works.

The Wall

Why is anybody still questioning Jon Snow at this point? Why can’t this goddamn kid just shut up about his dead family and learn to accept the murderers and cannibals who slaughtered his village?

…..WHAT HAS THIS SHOW DONE TO ME!!!???!?!?!?

Also, who else was sure that Olly had poisoned Sam when the camera focused on Sam’s food or drink, or whatever that was (Forgive me, it’s been a few days since I watched the episode)? That would’ve pissed me right the fuck off, he killed a White Walker and he gets offed by a thirteen-year old?

Though he wouldn’t be going down a virgin, so that’s somewhat good for him, at least.

Winterfell

Sansa chews out Reek for being a pussy in a great scene, resulting in Reek revealing that he hadn’t executed Bran and Rickon in his brief tenure as Lord of Winterfell. Knowing him, though, he’s probably going to tell Evil Elijah Wood that he spilled the beans.

“Oh, so it was two other defenseless children who met gruesome ends? Thank god!”

Roose and Evil Elijah Wood also discuss their strategy against Stannis Baratheon, who is not exactly having the easiest of times making his way to Winterfell. Roose wants to hole up in the castle for the long haul (Like a BIIIIIIIIITCHH!!!!), but EEW convinces him to be aggressive, asking for “20 good men”. Ah, jeez.

I hate to be pessimistic, but… I don’t think Stannis is very long for this world. It sucks too, because Stannis has been kind of growing on me. Don’t get me wrong, I still think he’s a thoroughly mediocre human being, but in this world, mediocre people are still well above average, so good for him, I guess.

“You mean he DIDN’T sacrifice his child to a malevolent Demon-God??? What A+ parenting!!!!”

Meereen

Omigod, Omigod, Omigod!!!!!! They’re meeting up! THEY’RE ACTUALLY MEETING UP!!!

Jorah and Tyrion are presented before Daenarys (I must say,they could not have picked a worse possible time to do this). Tyrion convinces Daenarys to both let him live and let him advise her, as he has plenty of experience with politics. However, following Tyrion’s counsel, Dany exiles Jorah again, and he runs off to the fighting pits, foreshadowing some sort of grand romantic gesture that is almost certainly going to end poorly for most people involved. Such is life, I suppose. Sometimes you win, sometimes, you get exiled by the smoking hot woman of your dreams, get infected with zombie-dust, get exiled again, willingly enter slavery, and probably end up getting torn apart by dragons if the fighting pit or zombie-dust don’t get you.

Shit, that’s Tuesday for me, I don’t know what he’s complaining about.

Hardhome

Jon Snow, Tormund Giantsbane and a shit-ton of expendable redshirt equivalents group of miscellaneous brothers of the Night’s Watch arrive at Hardhome, the home of the Wildlings. After awesomely murdering the shit out of the Lord of Bones, Tormund organizes a meeting of the village elders, and convinces all of the tribes to escape to the south, except for the Thenns, because fuck the Thenns.

Thus, the Wildlings and the Night’s Watch begin loading the people onto boats bound for the Seven Kingdoms, and we get to know Karsi, a female Wildling who we see leaving her children on a boat, promising she’ll be back.

Right, I’m sure nothing is gonna happen to their mom, so these kids should just shut their yaps, relax, and OH FUCK!!!! OH FUCK!!! OH FUCK NO!!!!!

Yep, Karsi gets murdered by a group of undead kids that would make the Children of the Corn weep in their sleep, but don’t worry! She wasn’t dead for that long!…Unfortunately.

“Just a flesh wound.”

The evacuation does not exactly go swimmingly, as a metric shit-ton of the Wildlings and Night’s Watch are murdered and subsequently resurrected by the White Walkers. We do learn, however,  that apparently Valyrian Steel can kill White Walkers. Interesting…

Overall: EverybodysaysthisepisodeisamazingIagreetenouttaten.

Rating: 10/10

OH SHIT! IT’S THE EVIL BLUE MAN GROUP!!!

Game of Thrones- Season 5, Episode 5: Kill the Boy (Review/Recap)

Gonna kill, kill, kill, kill kill the boy/ Kill kill kill kill kill the boy/Kill kill kill kill kill the boy toniiiiiiiiight…

Halfway through the season, and nobody I love dearly has been murdered yet! I have absolutely no hope for that to remain the case, but we’ll see!

SPOILER ALERT. OBVIOUSLY.

 The North

Podrick and Brienne are hanging out in an inn outside of Winterfell, being generally awesome.

That’s pretty much it. Moving right along!!!

Winterfell

After what I can only assume to have been the most terrifying session of lovemaking known to man, gratuitously naked Evil Elijah Wood  has a tense conversation with his psychotic (And also gratuitously naked) girlfriend, Myranda. Being a jealous psycho, she isn’t particularly happy about EEW marrying Sansa. He responds by initiating another hardcore, terrifying fuck session.

Boy, does Sansa have a ton to look forward to!

Later, Myranda shows Reek (Or, as I like to call him, “The Dirtbag Formerly Known as Theon Greyjoy”) to Sansa. Later, at the Bolton family table, EEW parades Reek around, forcing him to apologize to Sansa for murdering Bran and Rickon (About that…). EEW stops crowing, however, when Roose announces that he and Walda Frey (Google it) are expecting a child. That poor, poor kid.

Ramsay starts sulking about his inheritance being in jeopardy, an Roose assures him of his place as his oldest son in a heartwarming father-son chat… Or what would be if heartwarming if it didn’t involve murdering a woman’s husband, raping said woman under the hanging corpse of said husband, and considering throwing the, uh, “lovechild” (For unfortunate lack of a better word) into a well. Boy, does this tremendous prick need to die horribly. I would so love that.

Has anyone ever told you that you would look lovely with a shotgun repeatedly unloading into your face and torso?

Wait a minute….

Ye gods…

The Wall

Jon, rather surprisingly, decides to go beyond the wall with Thormund Giantsbane to offer the Wildlings a chance to settle South of the Wall, a plan that is thoroughly rejected by damn near every one of his comrades. Being stubborn, yet awesome, he decides to go ahead with his plan anyways. I’d be less worried about this plan if it didn’t involve saving the goddamn Thenns. Fuck those guys.

How does one make those markings?… On second thought, I don’t wanna know.

Also, Stannis heads out to march on Winterfell. Uh, good luck with that, I guess???

Meereen

In the aftermath of the fight with the Sons of the Harpy, Grey Worm is injured, but survives (Rejoice all you, uh, Grey Worm fans!!!). Ser Barristan Selmy, on the other hand, isn’t so lucky, succumbing to his wounds (Hat tip of respect). Daenerys rounds up the leaders of the great families, including Hizdahr zo Loraq (Look him up) and threatens them with her dragons, even allowing one of the nobles to be burnt to a crisp and torn apart by Viserion and Rhaegal. Why does she do this? Fuck if I know.

After letting him stew in a cell for a few days, Dany visits Hizdahr zo Loraq in his cell, and tells him that she will reopen the fighting pits to free men (Ruh roh!!!) and, in order to forge a stronger alliance with the people of Meereen, she intends to wed Hizdahr.

There is no conceivable way this will end well.

The Narrow Sea

As Tyrion and Jorah chat, we get our first glimpse of the ruins of Old Valyria, the ancestral home of the Targaryens, which, I gotta say, looks really, really beautiful. One wonders why anybody would ever think of lea-AHHHHHH!!!!! DRAGONS AND LEPERS!!!! BURN IT TO THE GROUND!!!!

Jorah regains his badass card by saving Tyrion, but, unfortunately, it’s revealed that he has contracted Greyscale. Why must this show hurt me so?

Overall: The season as a whole is still proving to be a slow burn, but if it continues to be this enjoyable, that’s fine by me.

Rating: 8.5/10

The next episode is named “Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken”, which is the motto of, uh, which house again?

OH SHIT, MYRCELLA, RUN!!!!!!

Game of Thrones- Season 5, Episode 3: Sons of the Harpy (Review/Recap)

Rumours of her demise have been greatly exaggerated, unfortunately.

It’s episodes like this last one that really bring out both the vengeful, raging sociopath and blubbering neurotic in me.

SPOILER ALERT. OBVIOUSLY. 

King’s Landing 

“You will never see a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.”

The Queen’s amiable, if somewhat bumbling, father, Mace Tyrell, tells the other members of the Legion of Doom Small Council that the almighty Bank of Braavos is calling in ten percent of the debt owed to them by the Seven Kingdoms. Cersei sends Tyrell, the Master of Coin to Braavos in order to negotiate a new deal with the Braavosi, along with Kingsguard Ser Meryn Trant, who I admit to not remembering from previous seasons, but who, for the sake of convenience, I will just go ahead and assume to be a morally reprehensible dumpster fire of a human being. Don’t tell me that’s not a safe assumption. you’re watching the same show that I am.

After the meeting, Cersei meets with the High Sparrow, who I had mistakenly assumed to be a semi-cool guy before this episode. I should really learn to follow my own goddamn rules.

Cersei authorizes the use of a violent religious fundamentalist militia known as the Faith Militant, which immediately gets to work attacking anybody who they deem to be sinners, or disrespecting the gods. And people ask me why I’m not religious.

One of the many “sinners” incarcerated by The Faith Militant just so happens to be Loras Tyrell, Cersei’s fiancee and the Queen’s brother, and also noted gay dude. Surprisingly enough, the super-religious Faith Militant doesn’t take very kindly to gay people. Who’da thunk it?

Queen Margaery doesn’t like this and tries to get Tommen to do something about it, but he doesn’t allow the Kingsguard to attack the Faith Militant and the countless poor people that the Sparrows are sheltering, and ends up leaving empty-handed. To be fair, I probably would’ve done the same thing. At least he proved himself better than…. That Other Guy when he didn’t respond to the rabble yelling abuse at him.

Just thinking about the Other Guy makes me want to sterilize all blonde people. You know, just to make sure.

Frustrated with Tommen’s inability to do as she says, Margaery decides to call upon her grandmother to help. I’m repeating myself here, but…. There’s no possible way this ends well, is there?

The Wall

Jon Snow fights off the Red Woman’s attempt to seduce him in the name of the Lord of Light, or some shit. This would be a more impressive feat if I wasn’t mentally equating her with that old woman from The Shining, at this point.

Also, A+ parenting from Stannis. No sarcasm intended, that was actually pretty cool of him.

Winterfell

Scheming n’ shit. Also, we get some interesting backstory on the war that took place prior to the events of Season 1. And Littlefinger frenching Sansa. Yeecchh.

The sad thing? Out of all of Sansa’s suitors (Betrothed or otherwise), this guy is the least off-putting.

Dorne

Jaime and Bronn arrive in Dorne, and waste no time in awesomely murdering a bunch of Dornish soldiers. It’s not so much that I want to see Dornish people dead as it is that I want to see Myrcella saved from, uh, this lady who wants to see her mutilated in order to start a war with the Lannisters. Why are the pretty women on this show all either dead, bereft with grief, insane or some combination of the three?

Admittedly, if I had experienced what she had experienced…

For help in her anti-Lannister crusade, she enlists the help of Oberyn’s daughters, the Sand Snakes (Only one of whom is her daughter, because Dorne is a country of swingers), all of whom look like badasses. Oh, and they know Jaime and Bronn are in Dorne to rescue Myrcella. Fucking brilliant.

Across the Narrow Sea

Ha-ha, Jorah Mormont is a dumbass and Tyrion is smarter than him.

Meereen

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU SONS OF HARPIES SHITHEEL MOTHERFUCKERS!!! I DIDN’T KNOW HOW MUCH I LIKED THOSE TWO UNTIL YOU POSSIBLY KILLED THEM!!!

Overall: This is the episode where everything starts really going downhill, isn’t it?

Rating: 8/10

Again, why must they be crazy?

Game of Thrones- Season 5, Episode 3: High Sparrow

“OH, COME THE FUCK ON!!!”- Sansa Stark, at this exact point in the episode.

Why do I insist on spending an hour staring at my laptop screen, trying to come up with an opening blurb? It’s not like this is an actual review or anything, I’m basically just saying what happened and swearing a lot.

Eh. Let’s just get going.

SPOILER ALERT… OBVIOUSLY

King’s Landing

Margaery Tyrell bags her third king, hoping to have a husband that isn’t gay, murdered by his brother, sadistic, or murdered by her family. Knowing that Cersei is her mother-in-law, the possibility of this marriage ending in anything other than the worst way possible is pretty slim, but hey, maybe third time’s the charm.

Margaery and Tommen consummate their marriage. which is actually pretty disturbing, but admittedly, as a heterosexual male, I can’t be too grossed-out about any scene that involves Natalie Dormer in near-nudity.

How non-shallow of me, I know.

As she does, Margaery tries to manipulate Tommen into having his mom go back to Casterly Rock, where she convinces Tommen that Cersei will be happier. Tommen, bless his heart, tries to do so, but Cersei immediately sees this for the Tyrell manipulation that it is, and declines, shortly before heading off to confront Margaery. While Cersei has always had at least a semblance of authority over Margaery in previous verbal duels, that authority is pretty much gone now that Margie is Queen, and Cersei is Dowager Queen, as the former points out not-so-subtly in this encounter. Also, not that I feel sorry for PsychoBitch in any respect, but it was kind of shitty of Margaery to rub her son’s horniness and ability in the sack in her face.

….There’s definitely a less icky way to phrase that. Anyways, I’m betting Margaery doesn’t survive much longer.

Later, in the illustrious King’s Landing Brothel, the High Septon (Like the Pope of Westeros, I guess) is engaging in a fetish of his in which he fucks a/some prostitute(s) dressed as one of the Seven Gods of Westeros. Yeah, it’s weird, but Margaery’s a pedophile, Cersei and Jaime fuck each other, and that Wildling creep fucked his daughters, so you’ll excuse me if this comes off as somewhat tame to me.

Dear god, what has this show done to me?

Anyway, before he has his way with a particularly creepy-looking god known as The Stranger, he is interrupted by Lancel Lannister and a few of his cult buddies from the Sparrows. Calling him a sinner (Of all people in that fucking city) they strip him naked and parade him through the street. Enraged, the Septon demands that the Small Council find the High Sparrow (The head Sparrow, obviously) and execute him. Oddly enough, Cersei not only does not do this, she imprisons the High Septon, ha a pleasant chat with the High Sparrow, and appoints him as the new Head of the Faith.

Interesting….

Meanwhile, in Qyburn Mengele’s lair, Cersei tells him some boring shit about sending a letter to- OH MY FUCKING GOD THE MOUNTAIN’S CORPSE JUST MOVED!!!! OH SHIT!!!!

Frankenstein just shat himself.

In the North

As Reek looks on in growing horror, Bolton & Son continue skinning dissenters in Winterfell with psychopathic glee. However, Reek overhears them talking about how the Lords of the North do not recognize Roose Bolton as Warden of the North, and how they must forge alliances through marrying off Ramsey. Roose mentions that he’s found the perfect bride for his son, and the camera pans to…

Oh….Oh no….

GODDAMMIT LITTLEFINGER, YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT!!!!

Help may be on the way, though, as Brienne and Podrick are following Littlefinger and Sansa to Winterfell (It’s nice to be see Winterfell again, skinless corpses notwithstanding). We get some nice backstory from the two of them, which is always welcome, but I personally wouldn’t mind skipping to the part where Brienne lops Evil Elijah Wood’s head off.

Don’t tell me you don’t see the difference.

The Wall

Jon Snow declines Stannis’ offer of the name of Jon Stark, as his duties as Lord Commander are more important than helping a religious nut take over the kingdom. Stannis is unpleased with this and Jon’s suggestion that he does not want the army there any more, and reveals that he intends to attack Winterfell within a fortnight, which… Yeah, we’ll see how that goes.

Ser Davos tries to get Jon to reconsider, suggesting that the Night’s Watch would be better served taking the North than protecting the Wall, and bringing up the valid point that the North is suffering under the Boltons. Fair enough, but a) Stannis kind of sucks too and b) magical ice zombies so, no, stay at the wall, Jon.

Also, Janos Slynt is a whiny little shitheel. Now he has no head. Fuckin’ A!

Braavos

Not all that much to talk about here. Hey, at least she didn’t get rid of Needle!

Volantis

Oh, fuck me, not another goddamn Red Priestess!!!

Although the fact that this one is rallying the masses in support of Daenarys Targaryen, which is inter- OH, FUCK, TYRION NO!!!!

Overall: Yep, Game of Thrones still really freaking good, you guys.

Rating: 8.5/10

My thought exactly, good buddy.

Game of Thrones- Season 5, Episode 2: The House of Black and White (Review/Recap)

Frustrating as she may be, at least Emo Sansa is still more badass than Emo Spider-Man.

It’s Tuesday, and we all now what that means…

That’s right! I’m two days late with the Game of Thrones post again! In the interest of getting right into it, let’s, uh, get right to it!

SPOILER ALERT….OBVIOUSLY

King’s Landing 

Cersei and Jaime, still reeling from Tywin’s death, receive a dire warning from Dorne, the southernmost region of Westeros, which has lost its prince, Oberyn Martell, to the trial by combat that plunged many GoT fans into unfathomable depression.

“JESUS H. FUCK, NO!!!!!!!”– Me, about a year ago.

Oberyn’s wife and daughters, the Sand Snakes, have a small viper statue with a necklace in its fangs. Cersei tells Jaime that the necklace belongs to their daughter (Gross), Myrcella, who was sent to Dorne by Tyrion in order to marry some prince, or whatever. Feeling a twinge of… something for Cersei, Jaime offers to go to Dorne in order to take her away from the beautiful climate, progressive attitudes towards women and general pleasantness of that country in order to bring her back to the squalor, corruption and flat-out misogyny of King’s Landing. I don’t know about you, but that seems like a good idea to me!!!

Where this scene gets real good, though is when we discover who Jaime’s travelling partner is….BRONN!!! I FUCKING LOVE BRONN!!!! OHMIGOD, JAMIE AND BRONN ARE GONNA BE TRAVEL BUDDIES!?!?!?! THIS IS THE BEST NEWS EVER!!!!

….

One of them’s gonna die horribly, aren’t they?

Anyways, what’s PsychoBitch doing while Jaime and Bronn are having their playdate? Well, she’s attending to a couple of hunters who are trying to trick her into thinking that the head of some random dwarf they murdered is the head of Tyrion Lannister. God, Westeros is just the fucking worst.

Uncharacteristically, Cersei shows mercy towards the hunters (I’m sure the dead dwarf would appreciate that), and gives the head of the dwarf to Maester (Sort of) Qyburn, who I’m pretty sure is Westeros’ equivalent of Josef Mengele. During a Small Council meeting, she appoints Mace Tyrell Master of Coin and Qyburn Master of Whisperers (Much to Grand Fuckface Pycelle’s dismay). She tries to appoint her uncle Kevan to the position of Master of War, but he not-so-respectfully declines, calling the rest of the Council members sycophants and demanding that King Tommen appoint him himself. Fuckin’ A, Kevan!

The Wall

Gilly is being tutored by Stannis Baratheon’s daughter, which is cool, whatever. Also, Stannis chastises Jon for mercy-killing Mance Rayder, andtries to recruit Jon to his cause, even offering to name him Jon Stark, which, all due respect to Cathryn Stark, should’ve probably been done ages ago. Being the badass that he is, though Jon tells Sam right before the election that he’s gonna decline Stannis’ author, because fuck Stannis, fuck the Red Woman, and fuck Stannis’ creepy wife, that’s why.

Also, Jon gets elected Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch, which is probably going to end poorly, but hey, for the moment, Fuckin’ A Jon!!!

The Vale

The Dynamic Duo (Podrick Payne and Brienne of Tarth) trudge on, eventually ending up in some shithole pub where, surprise, surprise, Sansa and Littlefinger are also hanging out! Remembering her mission, Brienne awesomely confronts Littlefinger, who, being Littlefinger, acts like a giant prick.

My day isn’t complete without imagining Ned Stark wringing his goddamn neck.

Sansa, being Sansa, acts like a brat and rebuffs her, leading to Brienne murdering several of Littlefinger’s men and escaping with Podrick into the woods. Like the badass she is, she resolves to get Sansa out of the clutches of Littlefinger, whether Sansa wants it or no. Fuckin’ A, Brienne!!!

Braavos

The biggest Fuckin’ A of all goes out to Arya, because she is Arya fucking Stark, and she doesn’t have time for some pissant thief’s bullshit.

Dorne

Ellaria Sand kinda seems like a hateful bitch. I totally get being pissed, but killing Myrcella, of all people? Jesus.

Across the Narrow Sea

Tyrion doesn’t get much screen time this time around, but hey, I can’t complain.

Meereen

Noted Dickhead Daario Naharis finds one of the members of the Sons of the Harpy, the anti-Mhysa resistance movement who have been murdering the Unsullied. While emancipated slave Mossador suggests he be killed outright, Ser Barristan reminds Danearys of the behaviour of her shitheel of a father, and she wisely decides to let the Son of the Harpy have a fair trial. However, this being the Game of Thrones world, Mossador fucks it up for her, murdering the S.o.H. in his cell. When Daenarys executes Mossador publicly, the unwashed masses turn on her in a really terrifying fashion, and she was to flee back into her castle.

Boy, it’s hard to do the right thing in this show.

Finally, Dani sees Drogon (The giant black dragon) and tries to reconnect, but he flies away like the ungrateful little brat that he is. He’s Dragon Sansa, is what I’m trying to say.

Overall: Fuckin’ A.

Rating: 8.5/10

Game of Thrones- Season 5, Episode 1: The Wars to Come (Recap/Review)

Drunken cynicism has never looked so good.

OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD!!!!!!!! IT’S BACK!!!!!!! PRAISE JEEBUS, IT’S BACK!!!!!

You may not have guessed, but I’m excited for Game of Thrones. It is probably my all-time favourite TV show, ahead of such masterpieces as Breaking Bad, Avatar: The Last Airbender and Pokemon: Indigo League.

In case you’re wondering, yes, I know I don’t watch enough TV.

Since the fifth season premiered on Monday, I’ve decided to do a fairly quick review and recap of each episode. Or, rather, every scene from the episode (Since I’m gonna be here all fucking day if I try to repeat what I did when I tried to review Gotham and Flash).

Also, this will have SPOILERS, so if you haven’t watched the episode or caught up, I encourage you to do so and will accept zero responsibility if  details get spoiled for you.

..Yeah. That’s it. Let’s get going.

25 Years Ago

A young blonde girl and her friend visit a fortune teller. But who is this mysterious girl? Perhaps her dialogue will give us some hint of – Oh, she’s being an entitled bitch? Then it’s probably Cersei.

Cersei demands to know her future (Which, as we know, always ends well), and, after a pretty bizarre ritual that involves a grown woman sucking on a 12-year old’s bleeding finger, the fortune teller tells Cersei that she will marry not the prince, but the king (Check), she will have three children while the king will have twenty (Check), and while all of her children will wear golden crowns, they will die in golden shrouds (I’m fine with 1/3 of that part coming true, frankly).

Finally, the fortune teller foresees that Cersei will eventually be cast out by a younger, more beautiful queen, which is a bit Snow White-esque, but whatever, make it happen, Margaery!

Margaery Tyrell can cast me out whenever she wants. I don’t know what “cast out” means.

King’s Landing

In the Sept of Baelor, Cersei and Jaime Lannister pay their respects to their dead asshole of a father, who is sporting the always popular “stone eyeball” look.

Whatever. Joffrey wore it better.

Cersei chastises Jaime for letting Tyrion escape from prison, which, awesomely, led to Tywin’s murder. Jaime looks mopey, but doesn’t do or say all that much, as the writers probably caught wind of the fan reaction to his previous hijinks at a family member’s grave.

At the wake, Cersei meets her ex-lover/cousin, Lancel (The curly-haired little shit who was Robert Baratheon’s squire), who has joined a religious cult known as the Sparrows. During their conversation, it is heavily suggested that Lancel poisoned Robert’s wine under Cersei’s orders way the hell back in season one. Cersei denies this but, honestly, if Cersei isn’t at the very top of your list of suspects, then you haven’t been paying attention.

Elsewhere, Cersei’s fiancee, Ser Loras Tyrell hangs out with his boyfriend (There’s a hackneyed joke about marriage somewhere in there) and is maybe plotting with Margaery to kill Cersei? Sure, why not!!!???

Pentos

Tyrion Lannister and Varys arrive in Pentos after hightailing it out of there. Tyrion has looked better both physically and mentally, having sunk into a drunken depression (Admittedly, I’d feel pretty shitty about myself after strangling my traitorous ex-girlfriend after learning she was schtupping my dad, who I then murdered on the john). Varys reveals that he has been supporting Daenarys Targaryen’s claim to the throne, to virtually no one’s surprise. After much delicious verbal sparring, Tyrion agrees to go meet the Khaleesi (Is she still being called that?).

Slaver’s Bay

One of the Unsullied, expecting a nice, relaxing, uh, lullaby with a hooker gets his throat cut by said hooker, as a fucking creepy masked figure watches on.

“You. Reader. I can hear your flesh screaming to be liberated from your body.”

Meanwhile, Dani is taking a page from the ISIS textbook by destroying the giant idol on the city’s pyramid. That’ll probably end well for her.

To her credit, she denies the Masters of Yunkai’s request to bring back the fighting arenas. Then, she allows Recast McFuckface to change her mind after he gives her some sob story about him growing up there. Fuck Daario Naharis. I hope the creepy mask guy gets him next.

Full disclosure: I actually really like the “new” Daario Naharis actor. I just think Daario Naharis is a dick.

At Daario’s suggestion, Dani tries to reconnect with her two dragons, who she’s kept locked up in a dark, dank underground area for god knows how long. The reunion goes about as well as one would expect.

In the Vale

Ha. Robin Arryn fucking sucks.

Also, Sansa, Littlefinger, something something.

At the Wall

Melisandre  summons Jon Snow, although not for a creepy religious fuckfest, thank god. No, instead, she takes him to her pawn  liege, Stannis Baratheon, who commisions him to try to convince Mance Rayder, the imprisoned leader of the wildlings, to help him re-take the North from the Boltons. As one would expect, Rayder tells him to go fuck himself in the most respectful, yet also badass way possible.

Ciaran Hinds is fucking fantastic, by the way.

As is par for the course at this point, Mance is sentenced to be burned alive in a religious ritual that is pretty disturbing, given how much I came to care for the guy in the episode. Thankfully, Jon, being the beautiful, beautiful man that he is, grants him a quick, painless death via arrow to the heart.

Overall: If you’ve been following Game of Thrones since the beginning, you know that some episodes, while still great, are more or less only there to build up the events to come. This is one of them.

8/10

This kid better be the next one to bite it.