9 Baseball-Related People Who Are/Were Worse Human Beings than Alex Rodriguez (Part 1)

(Pssst! A lot of the stuff I say in this article is on this Cracked article. Check it out after, it’s good.)

So,it has been reported that MLB will seek suspensions for Ryan Braun, Everth Cabrera, Jesus Montero, Bartolo Colon, Melky Cabrera, Jhonny Peralta  and a bunch of minor leaguers no one gives a shit about, (Which we’ve known for, like, a month)  because of their connection with Biogenesis, a clinic that distributed PED’s to the aforementioned players (Which we’ve known since January). Players like Braun, Colon and Cabrera may be suspended for 100 games because of already being connected to PED’s. This will not happen as it would involve MLB growing some balls (Which we’ve known all along).

And what would a steroid scandal be without everyone’s favourite whipping boy, Alex Rodriguez?  A-Rod’s impending return from the DL (A day that New Yorkers are undoubtedly already ruing) has been overshadowed by his inclusion on the list. Baseball’s equivalent of Tom Green. Just when you think he can’t tumble any further, he fucks a dead moose.

I don’t think A-Rod has actually fucked a dead moose, but at this point, could it really hurt his reputation all that much?

The truth is that I kind of think that A-Rod has become a modern-day scapegoat for everything wrong with baseball. While he is by no stretch of the imagination a good human being, he is also not even close to being the worst human being to ever set foot on planet Earth, as I’m sure many a New Yorker has called him. And besides, shame on the Yankees for giving him such a retarded fucking contract.  You don’t sign a 32-year old to a ten-year contract and expect him to keep playing well.

So, in light of this, I have compiled a list of nine baseball players who were worse people than Alex Rodriguez. Remember that this is by no means a list that is unopened to discussion. Hell, I wrote the damn article and I’m not entirely sure I got it right.

Honorable Mentions: Roger Clemens, Jose Canseco, Kevin Mitchell, Barry Bonds, Manny Ramirez, Cap Anson 

9. Keith Hernandez

Keith Hernandez 2010.jpg

First Baseman

Teams: St. Louis Cardinals (1974-1983) New York Mets (1983-1989) Cleveland Indians (1990)

Carrer Highlights: 5x All-Star, 1979 NL MVP, 11x Gold Glover, 2x Silver Slugger, That Seinfeld episode where he almost banged Elaine.

The Douchebaggery:

Hernandez was one of the best players of the 80’s and 90’s, and not just for his bat, as he may be the best defensive first baseman of all time. Also, as a direct result of living in the 80’s, he snorted mountains of cocaine.

Seen Here: The Eighties.

The cocaine itself doesn’t land him on my shit-list. Hell it was the eighties, who wasn’t doing cocaine? No, his crime is influencing young talents named Dwight Gooden and Darryl Strawberry, whose careers were eventually derailed because of Hernandez telling them that snorting blow was an excellent way to break out of a slump.

Hell, it worked for Amy Winehouse, right?

While Gooden and Strawberry are still suffering from substance addiction, Hernandez accepted the position of broadcaster for SNY’s Mets games. During a Mets-Padres game, he spied Padres team massage therapist Kelly Calabrese in the dugout, hanging out with the Friars. Hernandez had this to say:

“I won’t say that women belong in the kitchen, but they don’t belong in the dugout.”

Seen here: A huge setback in Men’s Rights.

He later apologized, saying “I love you gals out there-always have.”

Upon reading or hearing that, the nation’s women retired to the bathroom for a nice three hour puke-a-thon.

8. Charles Comiskey

Owner

Team: Chicago White Sox (1901-1931)

Career Highlights: Two World Series titles, the time he was played by the terrible comic relief from The Man with the Golden Gun in Eight Men Out.

Charles Comiskey was a former baseball player and manager who decided to try his hand at being the owner of the Chicago White Sox. Now, one would think that being the owner of a professional sports team would entail giving the team a solid amount of money.

One would think that, but one would be wrong.

 Comiskey was pretty much the cheapest owner to ever purchase a team. He did help build the White Sox’s 1906 and 1917 World Series teams, by signing stars such as Shoeless Joe Jackson and Eddie Cicotte, but once they were signed, they were treated like absolute shit. The players were given annual four figure salaries and were expected to pay for their laundry. He bought the team, built them a fucking stadium, and decided that he’d rather they look like shit than have quality uniforms. Pitcher Eddie Cicotte was promised a $10 000 bonus if he could win thirty games in a regular season (Because pitcher’s arms were damn near unbreakable in the years before Chris Young). He got to 29 games and was promptly benched until the playoffs. In another incident, he promised his team a bonus if they won the 1919 AL pennant. They did so, and were rewarded with a case of flat champagne. It’s not like the players could leave either. In the era before free agency, it was either play for a team until you were traded, or retire to work in a coal mine.

LeftyWilliams.jpg

“Fuck pitching! Chimney sweeping is the life for me!”

Fed up, the players threw the 1919 World Series. Yes, this guy is responsible for what may be the biggest scandal in baseball history.

To his credit, Comiskey oversaw the building of Comiskey Park, whose name emphasizes Comiskey’s humble dedication to the game. It was demolished in 1991, while the Sox move to U.S. Cellular Field, a monument to the ubiquitous relationship between the White Sox and subpar cellphone service.

US Cellular.svg

We don’t actually have U.S. Cellular in Canada, but what are the chances of there being a non subpar cellular company?

7. Tom Yawkey

Owner/President

Team: Boston Red Sox (1933-1976)

Career Highlight: Being inducted into the Hall of Fame for employing his team of sluggish white guys to achieve his goal of never winning a World Series.

The Boston Red Sox’s historic stadium, Fenway Park, resides on Yawkey Street, which is dedicated to  former team owner Tom Yankey, in honour of his will to win (As long as black people weren’t involved), his convictions (Not moral ones, apparently) and his stubborn, unbridled racism.

While his Red Sox teams did enjoy some success, winning 3 pennants,  one has to wonder how much better they would have been if they had integrated black people earlier. To Yakey’s credit, he did trot out black utility player Pumpsie Green…In 1959. That is TWELVE FUCKING YEARS after the colour barrier was broken by Jackie Robinson. Years later, God decided to punish the Sox by influencing them to sign Josh Beckett.

It’s the only possible explanation.

6. Kenesaw Mountain Landis

Judge Landis, seen here preparing to stone him some Negroes.

Commissioner of Baseball

Career Highlights: 1st Commissioner of Baseball, Grand Wizard of the KKK (Probably)

So, what ended up happening to the ballplayers from the White Sox who just wanted to earn a decent paycheck? Well, they had the misfortune of standing against the newly appointed commissioner of baseball  federal judge Kenesaw Mountain Landis.

Real commissioners are notably less cool than Gary Oldman.

Named after the Civil War battle of Kennesaw Mountain (During which, ironically, his father fought for the Union), Landis made his name by being a notoriously anal judge. Some of his notable jobs included imposing heavy sentences on people who opposed the World War 1 draft, and getting black boxer Jack Johnson banned from boxing for the heinous crime of transferring a white woman over state lines.

He was no better as commissioner, sentencing the re-christened “Black Sox” to being banned from baseball, and delayed the breaking of baseball’s colour line until 1947, three years after his long-awaited death. He was such a zealot that he even ordered Dizzy Dean’s All-Star team, as well as other barnstorming big leaguers, to not play black people, for fear that society as we know it would collapse if a black man beat a white man at anything.

The horror… The horror…

Be sure to tune in later for part 2!

 

 

All-Star Rosters Revealed! (Part 1)

Well, after two months of debating, complaining and typing death threats in caps lock, MLB.com has finally released the rosters for the 2013 All-Star Game in Citi Field, New York. This promises to be both an interesting game and a way for Mets fans to take a break from being Mets fans (God help them.) and play host to the Midsummer Classic, that grand celebration of baseball, fandom and idiotic popularity contests.

Proof that you can finish in the top 5 in the voting standings by playing a single game in AAA. Why do we not want Yasiel Puig playing, again?

I kid the ASG. I do love watching the game, and it’s really nice to see the (Usually) top players in the game on the same field at the same time. You know, at least until they are caught using steroids and publicly disgraced, but until then, it’s usually a fun ride.

Yeah, there’s no way signing this guy to an inappropriate amount of money would blow up in our faces.

So, initial reaction upon seeing the results? Well, mainly that I’m actually okay with them. Yes, I do have some quibbles, like the exclusion of a certain Mr. Santana…

Well, he HAS played as much big league games as Derek Jeter this season…

and a certain Mr. Lind, I’m pretty satisfied with the teams the two sides are sending to Queens. Here is my review of the AL roster.

Starters
C: Joe Mauer, Twins
1B: Chris Davis, Orioles
2B: Robinson Cano, Yankees
SS: J.J. Hardy, Orioles
3B: Miguel Cabrera, Tigers
OF: Mike Trout, Angels
OF: Adam Jones, Orioles
OF: Jose Bautista, Blue Jays
DH: David Ortiz, Red Sox

I would’ve changed:

2B: Dustin Pedroia, Red Sox

SS: Jhonny Peralta, Tigers

Not to draw the ire of Yankees fans, because I’m sure you’re all beautiful people…

Most of you, I mean.

… but I voted for Dustin Pedroia. It wasn’t an easy decision by any stretch of the imagination, but I can’t really argue with a .325 batting average.  Besides, this Yankees-Red Sox rivalry is irrelevant and retarded. Can’t we all just kiss and make up?

Was that so hard?

I approve of all the other choices with the exception of J.J. Hardy at shortstop. Sure, he’s having a solid season, but a) Jhonny Peralta is having the better season and b) watching someone with an On-Base Percentage under .300 (Hardy’s is .290) is not that fun. Take it from somebody who’s been watching J.P. Arencibia for three years.

Pitchers
RHP: Clay Buchholz , Red Sox
LHP: Brett Cecil, Blue Jays
RHP: Bartolo Colon , A’s
RHP: Jesse Crain , White Sox
RHP: Yu Darvish, Rangers
RHP: Felix Hernandez, Mariners
RHP: Hisashi Iwakuma, Mariners
RHP: Justin Masterson, Indians
RHP: Joe Nathan, Rangers
LHP: Glen Perkins , Twins
RHP: Mariano Rivera, Yankees
LHP: Chris Sale, White Sox
RHP: Max Scherzer, Tigers
RHP: Justin Verlander, Tigers

Note: Bucholz and Crain are both injured and will miss the Game. Perkins and Colon are their replacements.

I would’ve changed:

There is no way in hell I’m gonna comb through every single fucking team comparing pitchers.

I don’t have too much to say in this category, but I’m gonna talk about Brett Cecil a bit.

For those of you who don’t follow the Blue Jays (I know, few and far between, right?) Brett Cecil was a fairly highly touted lefty starting pitcher prospect in our organisation, earning quite a bit of praise at the minor league level. He was called up in 2009 and proceeded to suck at the big league level, posting a 4.79 ERA between 2009 and 2012 with a couple trips back to AAA. That coupled with his incendiary attitude (Think Brett Lawrie but left-handed, wearing goggles and generally less of a douche. (Just kidding. Love you B.L.)) drew the ire of Jays fans, and he only made the roster this year because we needed a lefty and he was out of options.

He was moved to the bullpen and, possibly thanks to the smaller workloads and less pressure, is now, quite possibly, the best reliever in the AL. This brings us to my final remark of the section…

Why the FUCK aren’t the Giants doing this with Tim Lincecum?

Reserves
C: Jason Castro, Astros
C: Salvador Perez, Royals
1B: Prince Fielder, Tigers
2B: Jason Kipnis, Indians
2B: Dustin Pedroia, Red Sox
2B: Ben Zobrist, Rays
SS: Jhonny Peralta: Tigers
3B: Manny Machado, Orioles
OF: Nelson Cruz, Rangers
OF: Alex Gordon, Royals
OF: Torii Hunter, Tigers
DH: Edwin Encarnacion, Blue Jays

I would have changed:

C: Carlos Santana, Indians

1B: Adam Lind, Blue Jays

2B: Howie Kendrick, Angels

This is where I have the most objections. If it wasn’t for the rule of having one representative from each team, the three players I mentioned would have those roster spots down. I would even argue that Adam Lind deserves the spot instead of Prince Fielder, but nobody likes the guy who beats up on a teams “designated teddy bear”, so I won’t bother.

I don’t care how bad Munenori Kawasaki’s hitting is…If you diss him, I will fucking cut you.

(NL Roster coming soon…Veeeery sooon…)

AL All-Star Ballot Update!

Well, it’s been a few weeks since I last checked out the All-Star Vote standings for the AL and the NL. I’d say we’re probably overdue for another tirade against ballot-stuffers, eh? Well, as soon as I tear my eyes away from the mean-spirited ugliness that is the MLB.com comments section. Is it just me, or do all people named “commenter” have some form of mental instability issue?

 

AMERICAN LEAGUE ALL-STAR VOTING
(as of June 15)

FIRST BASE
Chris Davis, Orioles 2,999,094
Prince Fielder, Tigers 1,980,129
Mike Napoli, Red Sox 744,334
Albert Pujols, Angels 693,062
Mitch Moreland, Rangers 645,071

My Vote: Chris Davis, Orioles

It’s good to see that at least one of the starters will be deserving. Chris Davis is absolutely killing it in Baltimore. Really, if anybody has a .330+ average and is on pace for 40+ home runs, then they better be the ASG starter.

I’m kinda dissapointed that Adam Lind isn’t getting any love, and especially dissapointed that Albert Pujols is seen by some as an All-Star. I can’t really complain otherwise.

SECOND BASE
Robinson Cano, Yankees 2,409,512
Dustin Pedroia, Red Sox 1,635,674
Ian Kinsler, Rangers 1,123,654
Omar Infante, Tigers 872,142
Jose Altuve, Astros 734,896

My Vote: Robinson Cano

Man, was probably the most difficult position to vote for. I mean, in the top 3 spots are three EXTREMELY good ballplayers in Robbie Cano (Who will almost certainly be voted in) Dustin Pedroia (Who may be having a better season, and Howie Kendrick, who- wait a minute. Where’s Howie? Howie!? HOWIE!?!?

Wrong one, asshole.

In the end, I voted for Cano, but going back on it, I think Howie Kendrick was the better choice. I can live with Cano starting though.

However, the fact that Kendrick isn’t in the Top 5 is inexcusable.

SHORTSTOP
J.J. Hardy, Orioles 1,871,010
Elvis Andrus, Rangers 1,358,412
Jhonny Peralta, Tigers 1,322,791
Jed Lowrie, Athletics 1,019,861
Derek Jeter, Yankees 669,698

My Vote: Jhonny Peralta.

My God, there were slim pickings at this position. The only truly worthy contenders (That I remember) are Hardy, Peralta, and Lowrie. This seems as good a time as any to speculate on why exactly Elvis Andrus is here. I must have been asleep when a sub .600 OPS was declared an acceptable quality for an All-Star. Bot his OBP and his Slugging Percentage are under .300. Stop. Voting. For. Him.

As for Derek Jeter, i’m not going to bother  chastising the idiots who voted for the guy who hasn’t played a single game this season and  probably won’t play in the game anyways. I just find it weird that in the comments section, nobody seems to own up to voting for him. Does this mean that whoever’s voting for him is embarrassed that they voted for him? I mean, they should be, but they should be able to put their money where their mouth is, right?

THIRD BASE
Miguel Cabrera, Tigers 3,277,890
Manny Machado, Orioles 1,626,209
Adrian Beltre, Rangers 1,105,706
Evan Longoria, Rays 898,422
Josh Donaldson, Athletics 500,773

My Vote: Miguel Cabrera

What can I possibly say about Miguel Cabrera that hasn’t been said already? I can really only express my condolences for Machado, Beltre, Longoria and Donaldson. Any one of them (Mainly Machado) would have had a decent shot had it not been for Miguel Cabrera existing.

CATCHER
Joe Mauer, Twins 2,127,175
Matt Wieters, Orioles 1,615,625
A.J. Pierzynski, Rangers 885,137
Carlos Santana, Indians 864,779
Jarrod Saltalamacchia, Red Sox 748,725

My Vote: Joe Mauer

My only two complaints here are: a) That Matt Wieters has more than a million votes and b) That Jason Castro is nowhere to be see on the list. This is mostly as a result of the obscurity that comes with working in Houston.

DESIGNATED HITTER
David Ortiz, Red Sox 2,488,451
Lance Berkman, Rangers 1,239,521
Edwin Encarnacion, Blue Jays 769,322
Mark Reynolds, Indians 745,058
Mark Trumbo, Angels 722,667

My Vote: David Ortiz

Big Papi’s monster season took me completely by surprise. How often does an obese, non-juiced 37 year old put up a .900+ OPS?

Ha. No.

On a bitter note, how the fuck did more people think that Lance Berkman deserves the vote more then Edwin Encarnacion?

OUTFIELD
Adam Jones, Orioles 2,740,505
Mike Trout, Angels 2,710,115
Nick Markakis, Orioles 1,463,392
Torii Hunter, Tigers 1,425,571
Jose Bautista, Blue Jays 1,379,251
Nelson Cruz, Rangers 1,310,079
Nate McLouth, Orioles 1,300,158
Alex Gordon, Royals 1,040,685
Jacoby Ellsbury, Red Sox 1,004,434
Yoenis Cespedes, Athletics 926,611
Coco Crisp, Athletics 869,153
Josh Hamilton, Angels 726,485
Austin Jackson, Tigers 712,623
Shane Victorino, Red Sox 682,220
Ichiro Suzuki, Yankees 620,734

My Vote: Adam Jones, Mike Trout, Jose Bautista

This list starts off strong (With the exception of Torii Hunter and Nick Markakis over Jose Bautista) but gets dodgy near the end. Angels fans can’t stop spewing hatred at Josh Hamilton, and yet, they keep voting for him. And it boggles the mind to ponder how Ichiro got here. I love the guy too, Yankee fans, but come on. He’s a defense only ballplayer nowadays, and God bless ’em (I may be the world’s biggest John McDonald fan) but  he’s definitely not an All-Star

Tomorrow, be sure to check in for the NL ballot update and my thoughts.