So, it’s that time of the year again. It’s time to take a break from my Golden Globe reviews and take a look at the year’s best movies. However, because I’m a masochist, and also because I want to end the year on a positive note, I’m going to get through my Top 10 worst movies of this past year. God help us all.
Here are some things to keep in mind before getting into this list.
- I don’t watch horror movies. A lot of deserving movies were left off of this list as a result. You got lucky, Ouija.
- I didn’t get to see every bad movie this year, mainly because life is too damn short to pay full price for Exodus: Gods and Kings. When the Golden Raspberries come around, I may review some or all of them.
- I feel like I shouldn’t have to say this, but with the internet, you can never be too careful. This list is purely opinion-based and totally biased. If you personally liked a movie on this list, that’s your opinion, more power to you. However, I, personally thought they were crap.
Alright, let’s get through this shit.
10. A Haunted House 2
Do you remember when Marlon Wayans was actually really good in Requiem for a Dream? Or when he was very funny as a dumb stoner in the first Scary Movie? Well, that was fourteen years ago. Now, the things he’s most recognized for are the knock-offs of the Scary Movie franchise known as the A Haunted House series. I suppose these movies deserve some credit for being funnier than anything Scary Movie has done since 2000, but when you consider that the comedic high points of Scary Movie after the first one have been the George Carlin cameo on Scary Movie 3 and Charlie Sheen dying due to a boner pill-related incident in Scary Movie 4, that becomes less impressive.
To be fair, A Haunted House 2 is definitely better than its rubbish predecessor, and it does have some funny moments. Marlon Wayans would be a lot funnier to me if he didn’t go so over-the-top and drag out so much of his jokes to the point where they become obnoxious. Problem is, he does both. And then some. This movie over-steps my tolerance for annoying stupidity by miles. It can get a chuckle out of you every now and then, but for the most part, it’s just a sloppy mess.
9. Sex Tape
There are many things that I never need to see again in my life. One of them is Jason Segel’s ass.
As obnoxious as A Haunted House 2 was, at least it had enough effort and energy put into it to make it seem like a relatively short dumpster fire of a movie. Sex Tape, on the other hand, feels like a fucking slog through the Valley of Death, except in this Valley, you have Cameron Diaz and Jason Segel yammering obnoxiously into your ear the whole time. I love Jason Segel, but for God’s sake, I can’t possibly turn a blind eye to this atrocity!!!
The one saving grace that this movie had was Rob Lowe. Maybe it’s just because everything else was so dull by comparison, but I found the scenes in his house to be borderline hilarious.
8. I, Frankenstein
After Legend of Hercules came out the week before, I think pretty much anybody was ready to see I, Frankenstein as an improvement. And, it was! I mean, it was still shit, but hey…It was better than Legend of Hercules???
Look, I’ve heard people defend this movie as a Street Fighter style guilty pleasure movie, and if that’s how you want to look at it, fine, that’s your opinion, but I just couldn’t stand it. At least Street Fighter had the late Raul Julia to keep me entertained. This movie, on the other hand, had Aaron Eckhart doing his best Christian Bale as Batman impersonation, Bill Nighy phoning it in, and some decent action scenes sprinkled throughout. Shit, man, Jai Courtney was the best part of this movie, and I’m not even sure I’ll ever forgive him for being in that John Moore-directed Bruce Willis ego trip that we do not speak of.
Ugh. So many people worked so hard on these movies and I’m just shitting all over them. It’s times like these that I wish I could just see other humans as a means for my own personal amusement. Sociopaths have it so much easier.
7. Vampire Academy
You said it, caption.
Raise your hand if you wanted to see a cross between Mean Girls and Twilight this year. Oh, really, you didn’t want to see 104 minutes of Zoey Deutch doing an awkward impersonation of Ellen Page in Juno while going to a school for vampires? Of course you fucking didn’t. You’re an intelligent human being.
Unless you liked it, in which case it’s just your opinion, and that’s fine, yadda yadda yadda.
One of my pet peeves is when movies, and it seems this is popular among young adult movies try to really go the quirky route, like Juno did. Problem is, they rarely do it well Vampire Academy is no exception.
Also, in case this movie wasn’t already begging for ridicule, it does that thing where it sets up a sequel that’s never going to happen. That’s so pathetic, I almost want to see them go through with the sequel out of self-pity.
I like Melissa McCarthy. Really, I do. And it does make me feel better to know that she was really good in St. Vincent (Either my next or second-next movie review, by the way), but that doesn’t make me feel any better when I call Tammy, a passion project of Melissa and her husband, about as amusing as getting your legs shattered by a cement block.
Ugh. Halfway through. You can do this Rollins! YOU CAN FUCKING DO THIS!!!
5. The Nut Job
2014 was a great year for animated movies. Between How to Train Your Dragon 2, The LEGO Movie and Big Hero 6, there were no shortage of entertaining films for children, parents, stoners, and creepy bearded men with questionable taste in love interests to watch at the movies this year.
The Nut Job is not one of them. Holy fuck do I ever this movie to just vanish from existence. There were instants when the animation was kinda cool, but for the most part, the voice actors were phoning it in, the animation is dull, the humour is nonexistent, and the message that they try to tack on at the very end when the writers realized at the last minute that they needed to bring this aimless pile of fuck-all to a close is generic bullshit that doesn’t even really make any sense. My only consolation is that it didn’t do all that well at the box office, and we don’t have to worry about a seq-
Fuck this. I’m a legal adult. There’s no way I’m finishing this list sober.
4. The Legend of Hercules
Oh man, multiple shots of Fireball make the prospect of getting through this list seem much more bearable.
Anyways, when comparing two movies, one directed by Renny Harlin, the director of Die Harder, and one directed by Brett “Rehearsal is for fags” Ratner, that are trying to do stories based upon the same character, which movie would you expect to be the better one?
The correct answer was “Not the homophobic jackass who directed X-Men 3“. However, while Ratner’s movie was about as dumbly entertaining as one would expect, it looked like The Godfather compared to The Legend of Hercules. I’m not going to talk more about it, as I’m 100% sure I’m going to do a Golden Raspberry review of it later on, but god, does it suck. Don’t watch it. Don’t.
Mmm…It burns so good going down…
3. Are You Here
Oh, right, this fucking movie,.
This god awful piece of shit was easily the worst comedy of this year. At least the others on this list had something bearable about them. This one was just awful all around. The acting was bad. The jokes weren’t even remotely funny. The commentary is not insightful. There is a graphic scene in which Owen Wilson cuts the head off of a chicken. And there’s another scene that I can’t recall, as my brain is currently in the process of recovering from the drinking binge I just underwent to erase these movies from my brain. I spent six hours drunkenly playing Super Metroid and screaming at the screen until I blacked out.
Oh. I remember. In case you were wondering, the scene that I’m trying to remember is the one where Zach Galifianakis fucks his stepmother.
If you need me, I’ll be playing Kirby Super Star while blasted on absinthe.
2. Transformers: Age of Extinction
So… I may be going away for a while after this post.
So, this movie is the one that made me realize once and for all that I am no longer willing to go to any movie that Michael Bay directed. Excuse me for being fairly brief in the last few reviews, but it’s only because I’m so sure that I’m going to need to do a full review of them later, anyways. All you need to know about his movie is that it’s 165 minutes long, it’s one giant Michael Bay orgasm of noise and concussive explosions, and the girl who ruined Katara is there to serve as eye candy for the 80% of the audience who were already bored and exhausted 30 minutes into the movie.
Sure, that was shallow…. BUT NOT EVEN HALF AS SHALLOW, BRAINLESS AND ALTOGETHER STUPID AS THIS ENTIRE SHIT-STAIN OF A SO-CALLED “MOVIE”!!!!!!!!
But y’know, if you liked it, whatever.
1. Left Behind
Ha. Ah-ha. Heh. Ha ha. Ha Ha Ha Ha! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! BAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
To be continued…