The best part about writing about douchebags is that you never run out of source material. Case in point, for the very first edition of the SoD, I have four subjects! Oh, how I love the shittiness of humanity!
That’s right Kony…Keep those blog hits flowing nicely…
SUBJECT: Emma Roberts
Goddammit Emma, why’d you have to be so adorable? It just makes my job that much harder!
Douche-Crime: Beating up her boyfriend, fellow actor Evan Peters (American Horror Story).
Well shit, that makes sense, I guess.
Douche Points Awarded: 2/2
Severity Douche Points: 1.5/2. It wasn’t close to being a Chris Brown-style beatdown, but there isn’t too much of a gray area when it comes to beating somebody up Either you beat the living shit out of them or you don’t.
Frequency: First-time offender. However, may happen again, considering that they are still together, apparently. The joint statement read that they “are working together to move past it.” 1/2
Circumstances: None revealed yet, but it’s highly suggested that the assault wasn’t justified. 2/2
Overall Douche Rating: 6.5/8 (Definite douchebag)
It’s completely possible that Roberts just lost her cool at Peters, as people in a relationship are likely to do. However, it’s also not out of the question that this may be a recurring, theme. Plenty of young actresses tend to become mentally unstable as they fly through puberty, much like our next douchebag
AMANDA BYNES
Part of me knew that she would be on my very first edition.
Douche-Crime (This time): Tweeting, after getting her head shaved earlier this year because it was damaged by salon treatments, on her schizophrenic clusterfuck of a Twitter account that “Not having hair makes [her] feel like a cancer patient.” She later tried to explain herself, claiming that the tweet was meant to be read “Not having hair makes her feel like a Cancer: Patient.” (As in the astrological sign) In addition to being a bullshit excuse, it bears mentioning that Bynes is an Aries. 2/2
Severity: 1/2. Try to remember that some retard posting idiotic tweets
Frequency: 2/2. Chronic offender. By now, the thing that comes to mind whenever anyone mentions Amanda Bynes is not her dead-in-the-water acting career, but her crude, offensive, unintentionally hilarious and all-around insane Twitter account. Some other gems of hers include:
“I have no clue [why people say I’m insane]. Every time I’ve heard it, it came from an ugly person’s mouth, so I don’t care.”
“Rihanna you look so ugly tryin to be white.”
Yep, total Uncle Tom, right here.
“I’m 27 and don’t like when press talks to my parents. My parents are almost 70 years old. We are no longer on speaking terms. I would rather them be homeless than live off of my money.”
“I only have hot friends. They have my back until I die.”
“Everything is connected and connection is everything.”
“I want Drake to murder my vagina.”
“I’ll post ugly pics of @Drake every time I see one! Not hard 
”
“Chris Brown beat you because you’re not pretty enough.”
“Barack Obama and Michelle Obama are ugly!”
“Hey @Barack Obama… I don’t drink. Please fire the cop who arrested me. I also don’t hit and run. The end.”
“I have no clue [why people say I’m insane]. Every time I’ve heard it, it came from an ugly person’s mouth, so I don’t care.”
To “American Pie” star Jason Biggs: “You’re so ugly I won’t talk to you.”
Adam Sandler-ish? Maybe. Ugly? Fuck no.
And my personal favourite:
“Chrissy Teigen, you’re not a pretty model compared to me,I signed to Ford models at age 13. I don’t looks up to you beauty wise. I’m far prettier than you! I’m offended that you’re saying I have a mental illness when I show no sign of it. But thankfully not one man that wants me wants you and you are an old ugly model compared to me!”
For those who don’t know, this is Chrissy Teigen.
“Look! Look at this ugly piece of shit!”
And this is Amanda Bynes:
“I’m very aroused.”
Circumstances: 2/2. Let’s see…. No one but her accesses her Twitter account, which means that she intentionally posted it.
ODR: 7/8 (Major Douchebag)
Sure, she’s just a has-been celebrity and who gives a shit, but that doesn’t make her any less douchey or her comment any more douchey and ignorant.
I try to be nice to our next douchebag, but they’ve finally crossed the line. Presenting…
ROLLING STONE MAGAZINE
Douche-Crime: Previously just a magazine with terrible music coverage and a socially liberal political slant (And yet, they back Obama), Rolling Stone decided to run a story about Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, the surviving Boston Marathon bomber. This would have been okay if they didn’t depict him as some sort of indie pop star. 2/2
Severity: 2/2. Truth be told, I do think the story needed to be run. From that I’ve heard on the Philip DeFranco Show, it’s a pretty informative, well written article.
But for God’s sake, did they have to run this picture? It’s bad enough that some freaky teenage girls are starting to turn him into a teen idol.
I can’t think of a joke here, this is fucking horrifying.
Couldn’t they have picked a different cover? Something that’s edgy, but not overly offensive? How about a photo of a rescue mission, or of the EIGHT YEAR OLD BOY HE MURDERED.
Henry Rollins did a spoken word piece on how death and violence are being “sexed-up” by the media. (Army ads, video games) I’m not here to tell everyone to not play Call of Duty, because it’s fun as hell, but they’re still glorifying violence any way you spin it. That magazine cover doesn’t make Tsarnaev look like the terrorist that he is, but a cute, tortured artist. That is not good. Those idiot teenagers I mentioned will not look at that cover and think “How could a regular, American kid be so horribly twisted.” They’re more likely to think “I hope he escapes custody, I wanna bang him.”
Frequency: 0.5/2. One-time thing, but they haven’t been good enough to apologize.
Circumstance: 1/2. It WAS their fault that the cover was run, but I get what they’re trying to say with it: “How could such a sweet, peaceful American kid turn out to be such a monster?” They probably could’ve picked a better picture to convey that image, though.
ODR: 5.5/8 (Douchebag)
I think the story needed to be told, but I think Rolling Stone had the chance to present their message better and blew it badly. I just hope the “Free Jahar” people grow the fuck up before they do something horrible.
And, speaking of fucked up cults nobody likes… Our forth douchebag of the day!!!
NORTH KOREA
Douche-Crime: Transporting missiles across the Panama Canal and trying to riot when Panamanian authorities boarded the ship. Missiles are bad, m’kay? 2/2
Severity: 0.5/2. Sure, missiles aren’t always a laughing matter, but they are in the hands of a country that think that a twenty-something fat man is the reincarnation of the sun go or whatever the fuck they’re telling them now.
Frequency: 2/2. Kim Jong-Un is always trying to test his might against the powers that be, even though it really is hard to be intimidated by someone who looks Chaz Bono with allergies.
Circumstances: I dunno, Kim’s just an asshole. 2/2
ODR: 6.5/8 (Definite douchebags)
Cheers!
Please Kill the Messenger 