And Now: Picking on White Supremacists! (With your host: Kenny Rollins!)

Here at PKtM Inc., we pride ourselves of employing a racially diverse workforce. (Specifically: one half-White Canadian, half-Salvadoran teenager and two black cats who can’t stop walking across the goddamn keyboard.)

Actually, the cats have fewer typos than me.

Click meAnd that’s why it pains me so much when I wander onto a website with an open comment board and see a bunch of hateful, bigoted bullshit that has no place in modern society. Apparently, us PC liberals have made the mistake  of accepting multiculturalism, or, as they’re fond of calling it, “white genocide”.

Yes, our blind acceptance of people from all around the world has diluted our pure Anglo-Saxon heritage and will eventually lead to the extinction of the white race. And God forbid you show some form of attraction for somebody of a different race. Then, you are not only walking, talking filth, but also aiding and abetting the destruction of the glorious white culture.

Glorious, isn’t it?

I shouldn’t have to tell anybody how full of shit these people are. However, one of my favourite posts that white supremacists use online is some variation of the following:

“I’m not racist, but… (Insert racist blatherings here)

Stop White Genocide!

AFRICA FOR THE AFRICANS

ASIA FOR THE ASIANS

EUROPE FOR THE EUROPEANS

AMERICA FOR THE AMERICANS

ANTI-RACIST IS CODE FOR ANTI-WHITE!”

I’m sure you’ve all seen some variant of this guy.

Now, do I have to emphasize how stupid that last line is? Anti-racist does NOT mean anti-white. Martin Luther King Jr. didn’t . hate white people. And since the majority of white people (You know, the sane ones) are anti-racist, that makes your race the most self-loathing race around, which really isn’t something to be proud of.

Also, it has been pointed out by others, and will now be pointed out by me, by your own rules, you’re not a fucking American. That would be the First Nations people (Or Indians, erroneously) who got here waaaaay before you (We, I guess. My  great-grandparents were Danish) murdered them because apparently, sharing land is un-Christian.

To be fair, there was one guy who kept telling everyone that it’s better to love than to hate or kill, but he was just some freaky hippie, so who cares?

And also, for those of you that think that black people are nothing but violent, thuggy welfare leeches? Well, first of all, they’re not, and second of all, remember this: Their ancestors didn’t wanna be here either. Who brought them here? Racist white people.

Seen here: The descendants of the biggest catalysts of multiculturalism in America.

So that means that you neo-Nazi nutbags who want everyone to go back to where they came from, and yet, march for a White America are a bunch of idiotic windbags. What’s wrong? Do they not teach history at Stormfront High?

And since we’re taking all the white people from America, Oceania, Africa and Asia and conveniently re-locating them in Europe (You guys’ rules, not mine) I feel I should point out that you are going too have one horrid time living in your pasty utopia. Why? Because having the whole white populations of the U.S., Canada, Australia, New Zealand, South Africa and Latin America relocate to a tiny continent like Europe is gonna cause one hell of an overpopulation problem. And then, while your United Republic of Never Gonna Happen In Your Whole Shitty Life crumbles from infrastructure problems, maybe the rest of the world can clean up some of the damage done, hm? Hell, I’ll just let the late, great George Carlin take over from here.

I’m not entirely sure how that was relevant, but we all need a little Carlin every day anyways.

And lastly, there’s something I find hilariously ironic about these racist a-holes. Mainly, their stance against illegal immigration to the States from Mexico and Latin America.

Well, since the vast majority of Mexicans (And most latinos, really) are mestizo (Meaning of both indigenous and white descent), and since the Segregated Caucasian Utopia probably won;t allow mestizos to contaminate their holy land, does that mean that they’ll stay in America?

Does this mean that, by their logic, their slogan should be: America…For the Mexicans?

‘Murrica!!!

My Triumphant Return/Tomorrow’s Douchebag of the Day!!!

I spent the last few days writing intros for my first article back from the beautiful city of Toronto, but I’m no good at that, so I will instead copy the exact words of a great American philosopher:

“Guess who’s back (Back, back) back again (-Gain, gain) Shady’s Kenny’s back (Back, back)  Tell a friend (Friend, friend).” 

Suck on that, Plato.

“Say what, bitch?”

Anyways, I had a great time in Toronto, I’ll have to tell you all about it someday, but today, I have a new Douchebag of the Day to skewer tomorrow, when I get past jet lag.

I considered doing the Egyptian government for their massacre of civilians, but that would just open up a whole shitload of political jargon from me that nobody wants to read. I would also bring up that dumbass Russian athlete that voiced her support for Russia’s retarded anti-gay laws, but a) I can’t remember her name and b) That happened yesterday anyways.

Thankfully, a piece of information from the wide, largely unimportant, world of sports landed neatly in my lap. So tomorrow’s douchebag of the day is:

BUD SELIG

Stay tuned everybody!

The Scale of Douchiness-Inaugural Edition

So, on Monday, I decided to jump on the Game of Thrones  bandwagon. Like many others, I’m sure, it has come to my attention, three episodes in,  that many of the characters on this show are insufferable douchebags.

And there simply aren’t enough midgets in this show to keep them in check.

So, it got me thinking, what if I took a little break from my ongoing “Baseball people who suck” series did a blog post where I compared the characters’ varying degrees of douchyness and came out with the show’s overall “Douchyness Standing”. I then decided against it, considering that it is four in the fucking morning, and I don’t want to commit too much time to this, as I have several columns that I may be way behind schedule on completing, like the aforementioned baseball series, a mid-season MLB prediction, another musician biography, and a couple movie reviews. Oh, the tense, never-relaxing life of a sixteen year old on vacation.

“Why have I been forsaken with this endless, endless free time??!!”

So, I decided to add another feature to my ever-growing cornucopia of knowledge. I call it “The Scale of Douchiness”. In it, I take a character, be it real or fictional, and evaluate their “Douchiness Quotient” (Patent Pending) on a scale of 1 to 8. The criteria is as follows:

– Severity of douche-crime(s). (Douche-Crime is defined as pretty much any action deemed unacceptable by reasonable people). It can range from obvious but minor douche-crimes (Popping collars, spray tans, getting smashed) to blatant and major douche-crimes (Murdering villagers, enjoying the “music” of Avril Lavigne, walking your child on a leash).

– Frequency of douche-crimes. Is it a one-time thing (Drunk-driving) or is it a serial incident (BrokenCyde)?

Here. Now you can hate them with me.

-Circumstances of douche-crime. Did the situation call for a douche-crime (self-defense killing)? Was it done for survival reasons or to benefit his/her family (Say, poor guy selling pot to get his daughters a better shot at education)?

So, anyway, here’s a sample one:

SUBJECT: KENNY S. ROLLINS

This is who came up when I searched my actual name. For the record, I’m a sixteen year old boy. But whatever, we’ll roll with it.

Douche-Crime: Dropping acid at the mall and cross checking old ladies and toddlers into shop windows before running through a playground fountain and declaring that “he is the lizard queen.”

Picture this, except with a brown teenager running through, drop-kicking anything that moves and screaming mostly incorrect Jimi Hendrix lyrics.

Douche Points Awarded: 2/2

Severity Douche Points Awarded: 1.5/2. Would’ve been a one if not for all the children (And adults) who were in need of counselling afterwords.

Frequency: 1/2. He is unlikely to repeat the crime, considering that he now mainly speaks in tongues and lines from Soul Plane, for some reason.

Circumstances: 1.5/2. Would have been 2 had it not been for the fact that the entire purpose of being a teenager is to act like an idiot.

Right, Joffrey?

Overall Douche Rating: 6/8.

Pretty ingenious right? I sure think so.

Anyways, stay tuned for more posts. Also, no Game of Thrones spoilers or I swear to God, I will to unspeakable things to you.