Game of Thrones- Season 5, Episode 8: Hardhome (SPOILER Review/Recap)

That sound you hear is the ghosts from Return of the King shitting themselves.

“Wednesday”, he said,,, “No later than Wednesday”, he said…

SPOILER ALERT. OBVIOUSLY.

King’s Landing

I’m just gonna leave this here. That seems to sum it up all right.

Braavos

Since we last saw her, Arya has adopted the identity of Lana, an oyster seller with a questionable haircut who, under the orders of Jaqen H’gar, takes a wrong turn from her regular route and comes across a sleazy life insurance salesman. After LanArya reports back to Jaqen, he tells her that this guy is a complete and utter douche who refuses to pay out to the families of his clients. Speaking of which, one of said families has hired the Faceless Men to murder him, and Jaqen, apparently being one to pass the buck, passes the job off to LanArya, who is to learn everything she can about the salesman before poisoning him. I was kinda hoping that she would turn him into a pincushion (Get it!?!?), but whatever works.

The Wall

Why is anybody still questioning Jon Snow at this point? Why can’t this goddamn kid just shut up about his dead family and learn to accept the murderers and cannibals who slaughtered his village?

…..WHAT HAS THIS SHOW DONE TO ME!!!???!?!?!?

Also, who else was sure that Olly had poisoned Sam when the camera focused on Sam’s food or drink, or whatever that was (Forgive me, it’s been a few days since I watched the episode)? That would’ve pissed me right the fuck off, he killed a White Walker and he gets offed by a thirteen-year old?

Though he wouldn’t be going down a virgin, so that’s somewhat good for him, at least.

Winterfell

Sansa chews out Reek for being a pussy in a great scene, resulting in Reek revealing that he hadn’t executed Bran and Rickon in his brief tenure as Lord of Winterfell. Knowing him, though, he’s probably going to tell Evil Elijah Wood that he spilled the beans.

“Oh, so it was two other defenseless children who met gruesome ends? Thank god!”

Roose and Evil Elijah Wood also discuss their strategy against Stannis Baratheon, who is not exactly having the easiest of times making his way to Winterfell. Roose wants to hole up in the castle for the long haul (Like a BIIIIIIIIITCHH!!!!), but EEW convinces him to be aggressive, asking for “20 good men”. Ah, jeez.

I hate to be pessimistic, but… I don’t think Stannis is very long for this world. It sucks too, because Stannis has been kind of growing on me. Don’t get me wrong, I still think he’s a thoroughly mediocre human being, but in this world, mediocre people are still well above average, so good for him, I guess.

“You mean he DIDN’T sacrifice his child to a malevolent Demon-God??? What A+ parenting!!!!”

Meereen

Omigod, Omigod, Omigod!!!!!! They’re meeting up! THEY’RE ACTUALLY MEETING UP!!!

Jorah and Tyrion are presented before Daenarys (I must say,they could not have picked a worse possible time to do this). Tyrion convinces Daenarys to both let him live and let him advise her, as he has plenty of experience with politics. However, following Tyrion’s counsel, Dany exiles Jorah again, and he runs off to the fighting pits, foreshadowing some sort of grand romantic gesture that is almost certainly going to end poorly for most people involved. Such is life, I suppose. Sometimes you win, sometimes, you get exiled by the smoking hot woman of your dreams, get infected with zombie-dust, get exiled again, willingly enter slavery, and probably end up getting torn apart by dragons if the fighting pit or zombie-dust don’t get you.

Shit, that’s Tuesday for me, I don’t know what he’s complaining about.

Hardhome

Jon Snow, Tormund Giantsbane and a shit-ton of expendable redshirt equivalents group of miscellaneous brothers of the Night’s Watch arrive at Hardhome, the home of the Wildlings. After awesomely murdering the shit out of the Lord of Bones, Tormund organizes a meeting of the village elders, and convinces all of the tribes to escape to the south, except for the Thenns, because fuck the Thenns.

Thus, the Wildlings and the Night’s Watch begin loading the people onto boats bound for the Seven Kingdoms, and we get to know Karsi, a female Wildling who we see leaving her children on a boat, promising she’ll be back.

Right, I’m sure nothing is gonna happen to their mom, so these kids should just shut their yaps, relax, and OH FUCK!!!! OH FUCK!!! OH FUCK NO!!!!!

Yep, Karsi gets murdered by a group of undead kids that would make the Children of the Corn weep in their sleep, but don’t worry! She wasn’t dead for that long!…Unfortunately.

“Just a flesh wound.”

The evacuation does not exactly go swimmingly, as a metric shit-ton of the Wildlings and Night’s Watch are murdered and subsequently resurrected by the White Walkers. We do learn, however,  that apparently Valyrian Steel can kill White Walkers. Interesting…

Overall: EverybodysaysthisepisodeisamazingIagreetenouttaten.

Rating: 10/10

OH SHIT! IT’S THE EVIL BLUE MAN GROUP!!!