The Golden Raspberry Awards!!!

Oh boy, here we go…

Ugghh…. As is typical, the nominations for the infamous Golden Raspberry Awards (Or “Razzies”) were annnounced and, just like last year, it’s my duty to review these movies along with the Oscar nominees (Which are going to be announced on Thursday), culminating in my predictions on the night of the awards. This year’s “Worst Picture” nominees are:

  • Left Behind. My choice for worst movie of 2014. Not looking forward to watching this one again (As if I’m looking forward to any of them. My God). It’s one of two movies hell-bent on pushing a hardcore Christian agenda on its viewers. Did it work? Ha-ha. No.
  • The Legend of Hercules: Brett Ratner’s movie was better. This movie will never live that down.
  • Saving Christmas: This is the other religious movie I was talking about, as well as Kirk Cameron’s latest stop in his trip down the toilet bowl of irrelevancy.
  •  Teenage Mutant Ninja TurtlesThe only one of the nominees that I’ve already reviewed already. Thank God that’s out of the way.
  • Transformers: Age of Extinction: Left Behind’s only real competition for worst movie of the year (Although I haven’t seen Saving Christmas yet, so maybe it has a shot).

So, these movies are the ones that are definitely getting reviews, on top of the Oscar movies. Maybe I’ll watch another one of the movies nominated for other categories. Probably not though. These movies blow, you guys.

Top 10 Worst Movies of 2014

These freaks just missed out, but don’t worry, they’ll have the opportunity to royally fuck up in the sequel.

So, it’s that time of the year again. It’s time to take a break from my Golden Globe reviews and take a look at the year’s best movies. However, because I’m a masochist, and also because I want to end the year on a positive note, I’m going to get through my Top 10 worst movies of this past year. God help us all.

Here are some things to keep in mind before getting into this list.

  • I don’t watch horror movies. A lot of deserving movies were left off of this list as a result. You got lucky, Ouija. 
  • I didn’t get to see every bad movie this year, mainly because life is too damn short to pay full price for Exodus: Gods and Kings. When the Golden Raspberries come around, I may review some or all of them.
  • I feel like I shouldn’t  have to say this, but with the internet, you can never be too careful. This list is purely opinion-based and totally biased. If you personally liked a movie on this list, that’s your opinion, more power to you. However, I, personally thought they were crap.

Alright, let’s get through this shit.

10. A Haunted House 2

The tagline is the funniest thing about this movie.

Do you remember when Marlon Wayans was actually really good in Requiem for a Dream? Or when he was very funny as a dumb stoner in the first Scary Movie? Well, that was fourteen years ago. Now, the things he’s most recognized for are the knock-offs of the Scary Movie franchise known as the A Haunted House series. I suppose these movies deserve some credit for being funnier than anything Scary Movie has done since 2000, but when you consider that the comedic high points of Scary Movie after the first one have been the George Carlin cameo on Scary Movie 3 and Charlie Sheen dying due to a boner pill-related incident in Scary Movie 4, that becomes less impressive.

To be fair, A Haunted House 2 is definitely better than its rubbish predecessor, and it does have some funny moments. Marlon Wayans would be a lot funnier to me if he didn’t go so over-the-top and drag out so much of his jokes to the point where they become obnoxious. Problem is, he does both. And then some. This movie over-steps my tolerance for annoying stupidity by miles. It can get a chuckle out of you every now and then, but for the most part, it’s just a sloppy mess.

You know, unless you’re into Marlon Wayans fucking Annabelle. Then, you’re in for a treat.

9. Sex Tape

Lesson learned: Make sure you have Safe Search on before looking up a movie named “Sex Tape” if you don’t want to see Z-list celebrities porking, ever.

There are many things that I never need to see again in my life. One of them is Jason Segel’s ass.

As obnoxious as A Haunted House 2 was, at least it had enough effort and energy put into it to make it seem like a relatively short dumpster fire of a movie. Sex Tape, on the other hand, feels like a fucking slog through the Valley of Death, except in this Valley, you have Cameron Diaz and Jason Segel yammering obnoxiously into your ear the whole time. I love Jason Segel, but for God’s sake, I can’t possibly turn a blind eye to this atrocity!!!

The one saving grace that this movie had was Rob Lowe. Maybe it’s just because everything else was so dull by comparison, but I found the scenes in his house to be borderline hilarious.

Also, searching “rob lowe sex tape” like I did for this movie? Stupid idea.

8. I, Frankenstein

Are those seriously supposed to be weapons he’s holding?

After Legend of Hercules came out the week before, I think pretty much anybody was ready to see I, Frankenstein as an improvement. And, it was! I mean, it was still shit, but hey…It was better than Legend of Hercules???


Look, I’ve heard people defend this movie as a Street Fighter style guilty pleasure movie, and if that’s how you want to look at it, fine, that’s your opinion, but I just couldn’t stand it. At least Street Fighter had the late Raul Julia to keep me entertained. This movie, on the other hand, had Aaron Eckhart doing his best Christian Bale as Batman impersonation, Bill Nighy phoning it in, and some decent action scenes sprinkled throughout. Shit, man, Jai Courtney was the best part of this movie, and I’m not even sure I’ll ever forgive him for being in that John Moore-directed Bruce Willis ego trip that we do not speak of.

Ugh. So many people worked so hard on these movies and I’m just shitting all over them. It’s times like these that I wish I could just see other humans as a means for my own personal amusement. Sociopaths have it so much easier.


Or so my cat tells me.

7. Vampire Academy

Sorry guys. “Better than Twilight” is not exactly a benchmark for glory.

You said it, caption.

Thanks, Kenny!!!

Raise your hand if you wanted to see a cross between Mean Girls and Twilight this year. Oh, really, you didn’t want to see 104 minutes of Zoey Deutch doing an awkward impersonation of Ellen Page in Juno while going to a school for vampires? Of course you fucking didn’t. You’re an intelligent human being.

Unless you liked it, in which case it’s just your opinion, and that’s fine, yadda yadda yadda.

One of my pet peeves is when movies, and it seems this is popular among young adult movies try to really go the quirky route, like Juno did. Problem is, they rarely do it well Vampire Academy is no exception.

Also, in case this movie wasn’t already begging for ridicule, it does that thing where it sets up a sequel that’s never going to happen. That’s so pathetic, I almost want to see them go through with the sequel out of self-pity.

6. Tammy

Ugh…. You can do so much better, Mel…

I like Melissa McCarthy. Really, I do. And it does make me feel better to know that she was really good in St. Vincent (Either my next or second-next movie review, by the way), but that doesn’t make me feel any better when I call Tammy, a passion project of Melissa and her husband, about as amusing as getting your legs shattered by a cement block.

Though they do give you morphine after the latter, so that’s the deciding point in leg-shattering’s favour.

Ugh. Halfway through. You can do this Rollins! YOU CAN FUCKING DO THIS!!!

5. The Nut Job

If it wasn’t for The LEGO Movie, this would’ve been a terrible year for Will Arnett.

2014 was a great year for animated movies. Between How to Train Your Dragon 2, The LEGO Movie and Big Hero 6, there were no shortage of entertaining films for children, parents, stoners, and creepy bearded men with questionable taste in love interests to watch at the movies this year.

The Nut Job is not one of them. Holy fuck do I ever this movie to just vanish from existence. There were instants when the animation was kinda cool, but for the most part, the voice actors were phoning it in, the animation is dull, the humour is nonexistent, and the message that they try to tack on at the very end when the writers realized at the last minute that they needed to bring this aimless pile of fuck-all to a close is generic bullshit that doesn’t even really make any sense. My only consolation is that it didn’t do all that well at the box office, and we don’t have to worry about a seq-


Fuck this. I’m a legal adult. There’s no way I’m finishing this list sober.

4. The Legend of Hercules

Not even Kellan Lutz’s abs could help this movie not be a bomb.

Oh man, multiple shots of Fireball make the prospect of getting through this list seem much more bearable.

Anyways, when comparing two movies, one directed by Renny Harlin, the director of Die Harder, and one directed by Brett “Rehearsal is for fags” Ratner, that are trying to do stories based upon the same character, which movie would you expect to be the better one?

The correct answer was “Not the homophobic jackass who directed X-Men 3“. However, while Ratner’s movie was about as dumbly entertaining as one would expect, it looked like The Godfather compared to The Legend of Hercules. I’m not going to talk more about it, as I’m 100% sure I’m going to do a Golden Raspberry review of it later on, but god, does it suck. Don’t watch it. Don’t.

Mmm…It burns so good going down…

3. Are You Here

Oh, look, Amy Poehler’s watching The Legend of Hercules.

Oh, right, this fucking movie,.

This god awful piece of shit was easily the worst comedy of this year. At least the others on this list had something bearable about them. This one was just awful all around. The acting was bad. The jokes weren’t even remotely funny. The commentary is not insightful. There is a graphic scene in which Owen Wilson cuts the head off of a chicken. And there’s another scene that I can’t recall, as my brain is currently in the process of recovering from the drinking binge I just underwent to erase these movies from my brain. I spent six hours drunkenly playing Super Metroid and screaming at the screen until I blacked out.


Oh. I remember. In case you were wondering, the scene that I’m trying to remember is the one where Zach Galifianakis fucks his stepmother.

If you need me, I’ll be playing Kirby Super Star  while blasted on absinthe.

2. Transformers: Age of Extinction

The Dinobots were not the best part of this movie. Just throwing that out there.

So… I may be going away for a while after this post.

So, this movie is the one that made me realize once and for all that I am no longer willing to go to any movie that Michael Bay directed. Excuse me for being fairly brief in the last few reviews, but it’s only because I’m so sure that I’m going to need to do a full review of them later, anyways. All you need to know about his movie is that it’s 165 minutes long, it’s one giant Michael Bay orgasm of noise and concussive explosions, and the girl who ruined Katara is there to serve as eye candy for the 80% of the audience who were already bored and exhausted 30 minutes into the movie.

Huh. Suddenly, I hate what has become of my life a little less.


But y’know, if you liked it, whatever.

1. Left Behind

This movie is almost as bad as the photoshop on this poster.


To be continued…

All work, no play and Left Behind make Kenny a dull boy…All work, no play and Left Behind make Kenny a dull boy…All work, no play and Left Behind make Kenny a dull boy…

Razzie Movie Review: Movie 43 and my Golden Raspberry Award Picks

And to think that before today, I had to really think about it before deciding what was the worst movie I’d ever seen.

 Movie 43

Directed by: Sadistic hacks who should have known better.

Produced by: Sadistic hacks who should have known better.

Written by: Sadistic hacks who should have known better.

Genres: Sketch “Comedy”,  Gross-Out “Comedy”

Starring: Oh, my God, you guys didn’t have to do this. For fuck’s sake, some of you guys have  Oscar nominations. Hell, Halle Berry HAS a goddamn Oscar!

Razzie Nominations: Worst Screen Combo (Entire Cast), Worst Screenplay, Worst Actress (Berry), Worst Actress (Watts), Worst Director (All 13 Directors) Worst Picture

Plot: The different sketches that comprise this movie are part of a plot that involves a group of teenagers’ internet search for the fabled “Movie 43”, which is supposedly the most outrageous movie ever made. I understand that there’s another version of this sketch that stars Common and Dennis Quaid, but I’m sure I’m not missing that much.

The Catch: Beth (Kate Winslet) is a single businesswoman going on a blind date with Davis (Hugh Jackman), who is supposedly the city’s most high-profile bachelor. Everything seems to be going well until Davis takes off his scarf to reveal the pair of testicles hanging from his chin! And get this: Beth is the only one who seems to notice the testicles!

Improbably, this isn’t even the stupidest sketch in the whole fucking movie. I really wish it had just ended here, but alas…

Homeschooled: A newly moved-in couple (Alex Cranmer and Julie Ann Emery) have coffee with their new neighbours, Robert (Liev Schreiber) and Samantha (Naomi Watts). Rob and Samantha describe in detail their program of homeschooling their son (Jeremy Allen White). Bullying, hazing, detentions, and possible incest ensue.

The Proposition: Julie and Doug (Real-life married couple Anna Faris and Chris Pratt, respectively) have been in a happy relationship for over a year. However, when Doug is about to propose to her, she reveals that she wants him to poop on her. With the help of his friend (J.B. Smoove), Doug sets out to shit on his girl in the most romantic way possible.

At this point in the movie, I was seriously considering suicide. There would be many more suicidal thoughts over the next hour or so.

Veronica: Grocery store cashier Nate (Macaulay Culkin’s younger brother, Kieran) meets his ex-girlfrien Veronica (Emma Stone) at his job. Disturbing conversations ensue.

iBabe: Richard Gere discusses how to market the iBabe, which is like an iPod, but it’s a full-grown naked woman, and which is mangling the dicks of the teenage boys who inevitably try to fuck it, with his workers (Kate Bosworth, Aasif Mandvi, Jack McBrayer). It’s kind of hard to argue with the whole “Teenage boys fucking things they shouldn’t be fucking” theme, but this is still one of the stupidest things I’ve ever seen.

Superhero Speed Dating: I’m just gonna skip this one. Any problems with that? Cool.

Middleschool Date: Nathan (Jimmy Bennett) and Amanda (Chloe Grace Moretz) are having a (Admittedly, pretty realistic) date at Nathan’s place when Amanda has her first period. I will never again watch Kick-Ass with the same sense of wonder.

Happy Birthday, Truth or Dare, Victory’s Glory: These are all garbage. Every single fucking one. Every fucking second of these pieces of shit.

Beezel: Whoever thought that this segment would be funny deserves to be dragged out into the street and shot. 

Acting: I usually like talking shit about movies, but this movie is just the most painful thing to dwell on. All the actors are atrocious, because most of them just don’t give a shit about this film.

Weirdly enough, the character I most identified was Chloe Grace Moretz’s character. Not because I’m a teenage girl having her first period, but because of her line “WILL YOU IDIOTS JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!”, which is a line that I wish was screamed at the people who pitched this goddamn movie.

In short, there is nothing even remotely good about this movie. So, this piece of shit has the distinction of being the first movie to which I award the following rating.

Overall Rating: 0/10


So, I’m pleased to say that, for the first time ever, I’ve managed to watch all the Oscar-(And Razzie-) nominated money before their rating. Problem is, I haven’t had time to post a review in between school, homework, my job bitching about the Blue Jays, and, you know, actually watching the goddamn movies. So, while I’ve watched all the movies, the reviews are still gonna run a little late. I’m sure this would piss me off, but I’m getting pretty sick of these reviews.

Now, don’t worry loyal readers, the reviews are still. coming, and I’m gonna put ’em out as quick as possible. It’s just that I’m also gonna go back to also writing about baseball, music, and whatever else is on my mind.

Anyways, here are my picks for the 2014 Golden Raspberry Awards, from my first pick to my third pick (Any category that has an asterisk next to it is a category in which I didn’t watch most of the movies because they weren’t “Worst Picture” nominees. However, if one of the movies I didn’t see wins an award, I’ll make a point to add it to my upcoming reviews).

Worst Screenplay: 

  1.  Movie 43. I judge comedy scripts on how funny they are (Obviously). This movie…. Was not funny.
  2. After Earth. “Danger is real…Fear is a choice….” That about says it all.
  3. Grown Ups 2. It’s post-Funny People Adam Sandler, so that should tell you all you need to know.

Worst Director:

  1. The 13 People who who directed Movie 13. Brett Ratner is one of them, which seems about right.
  2. M. Night Shyamalan (After Earth). Holy shit, it really has been 15 years since The Sixth Sense, huh?
  3. Dennis Dugan (Grown Ups 2). Dennis, just stop. Please…Just..Stop.

 Worst Prequel, Rip-Off or Sequel*:

  1. Grown Ups 2: It’s not like the original one was good, but it’s a bad sign when getting rid of Rob Schneider isn’t addition via subtraction.
  2. The Lone Ranger: I dunno if it really sullied the original’s proud reputation of racism, but it still sucked.

Worst Screen Combo: 

  1. Jaden and Will Smith (After Earth): You’d think a father/son combo would have a little more chemistry, but you’d be wrong.
  2. The entire cast of Movie 43. I feel sorry for them, but they were still awful.
  3. The entire cast of Grown Ups 2. Honestly, Nick Swardson drags this cast through the mud even more.

Worst Supporting Actress*: 

  1. Salma Hayek (Grown Ups 2): She’s the only nominee I’ve seen, but she was still atrocious.

Worst Supporting Actor:

  1. Nick Swardson (Grown Ups 2 and A Haunted House): I hate, hate, hate Nick Swardson. He’s a lock for a Razzie in whatever he’s in.
  2. Will Smith (After Earth): I expect more from the Fresh Prince.
  3. Taylor Lautner (Grown Ups 2): Though, if I must be honest, his karate moves were pretty badass.

Worst Actress*: 

  1.  Naomi Watts (Movie 43 and Diana): Honestly, though, they could have picked any actress in that movie.
  2. Tyler Perry (A Madea Christmas): What did I just see? What the FUCK did I just see?!?!

Worst Actor*:

  1. Jaden Smith (After Earth): Holy shit Jaden, just stick to your terrible rap songs, okay?
  2. Adam Sandler (Grown Ups 2) He wasn’t the worst actor in this movie, but still…

Worst Picture:

  1. Movie 43
  2. After Earth
  3. Grown Ups 2

Razzie Movie Review: The Lone Ranger

Have you ever wondered what would happen if they adapted one of the  Pirates of the Caribbean sequels into a western, and filled it with filler and subtle racism?

Well, look no further, my friends!

The Lone Ranger

Directed By: Gore Verbinski

Produced by: Jerry Bruckheimer and Gore Verbinski

Written by: Justin Haythe, Ted Elliott, Terry Rossio

Genres: Western, Action, Comedy

Starring: Johnny Depp, Armie Hammer, William Fichtner, Tom Wilkinson, Ruth Wilson, Barry Pepper, James Badge Dale, Helena Bonham Carter

Other Actors: Oh, who gives a crap?

Razzie Nominations: Worst Prequel, Remake or Sequel, Worst Screenplay (Haythe, Elliott and Rossio) Worst Director (Verbinski) Worst Actor (Depp) Worst Picture

Plot: Dateline: 1933. The Great Depression is in full swing, King Kong premieres at the RKO Roxy Theater,  and Duck Soup inspires future comics everywhere.

Elsewhere: Nazis!

At a sideshow in San Francisco centered around the Wild West, a young boy meets an old Comanche man (Depp, in stupid looking old person makeup) , who is being kept by the sideshow as a living example of a “Noble Savage”, because racism. After mumbling, feeding the bird on his head birdseed, and generally acting like your typical Alzheimer’s case, the old man begins to recount his days as “Tonto”, the sidekick of the legendary outlaw, the Lone Ranger.

Flashback to 1869, in Colby, Texas. where mild-mannered, pacifist lawyer John Reid (Hammer) is returning home, via the still-uncompleted Transcontinental Railroad. However,   the train is also transporting the cartoonishly evil criminal, Butch Cavendish (Fichtner), who is being transported to his hanging, and a rogue Comanche  named Tonto, who is there for plot convenience, basically. Cavendish’s gang attacks the train and busts him out, derailing the train. Reid arrests Tonto, for reasons completely unknown to the audience, which, at this point, has become more than just a minor quibble with the plot. Should we, maybe, know if the guy who we’re supposed to be rooting for isn’t, like, a serial killer, or something? And do lawyers even have the authority to arrest people? I’m pretty damn sure they don’t.

Anyways, John’s Texas Ranger (The law enforcement agency, not the baseball team) brother, Dan (Dale) Ranger buddies together to hunt Cavendish. However, for some boneheaded reason, he decides to bring John with him. I repeat: He brings his timid, naive pacifist brother with him to apprehend a murderer who doesn’t think twice about murdering innocent civilians, as is demonstrated several times during the opening action sequences. Already, we can see that good writing may not have been the priority in making this movie.

Anyways, the posse is betrayed by one of their fellow Rangers, and are attacked by Cavendish and his gang. who murder all of the Rangers, including Dan, and John is shot and knocked unconscious. After Cavendish eats Dan’s heart, which is kind of dark for a movie that was marketed towards little kids.

“You know what these toys are missing? Implied cannibalism.”

Anyways, Tonto escapes from jail,though at no point do they mention how he did this. He buries the Rangers, but is stopped from burying John by a spirit horse, or whatever, who tells him that John is a “spirit walker,” or some such bullshit, who cannot be killed in battle. John wakes him up, and, after Tonto explains what happened, he (reluctantly) dons a domino mask and sets off to find Cavendish and avenge his brother as the Lone Ranger.

This plot, and the writing in general, while not quite as bad as the other Razzie movies I’ve reviewed, is riddled with problems. It’s obvious that the filmmakers were aiming for a feel similar to the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, complete with elaborate action sequences, same writers producers and director, sly humour and Johnny Depp being weird in makeup, but there are several problems with that approach, mainly that a) It’s rarely a good idea to copy your own work, and b) Nobody has actually looked forward to seeing a POTC movie since 2006.

Take the repeated instances in the film where Tonto dodges the question about how and/or why he was in jail in the first place. Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but it seems to me that they’re trying to copy the (More popular and more funny) recurring joke about how Jack Sparrow escaped from a desert island (“Sea turtles, mate”). The problem is, it just feels like they’re reaching too hard for the whimsical humour that the Pirates movies provided.

To the film’s credit, though, when the characters shut the hell up and the action sequences get going, the movie becomes pretty damn enjoyable. The opening action sequences, the closing sequence, and, to a lesser extent, the action scenes sprinkled throughout the rest of the movie. I’d go so far as to say it ranks up there with some of the better scenes from the Pirates series. Problem is, the characters open their goddamn mouths way too often, and we’re left with a film that runs way too long, and where I lose interest in the stupid characters and the paper-thin writing about ten minutes after that initial action scene.

Acting: Oh, Jesus Christ. Please don’t make me do this.

To be fair, there were a few actors that showed a pulse. I gotta say, even though I didn’t enjoy his performance, William Fichtner looks like he’s having a grand ole’ time as the cartoonishly evil cannibal, Butch Cavendish. And I actually have a few good things to say about Armie Hammer, as the title character. He did the best with the material given to him, which is all that you could really ask for in this movie.

The rest of the actors, however, are all bad at best, and shit-tastic at worst. Tom Wilkinson was hugely disappointing, and completely uninteresting  as railroad tycoon, Latham Cole. Helena Bonham Carter, despite being in a ton of the promotional material, has about five minutes in the movie, at best. And she isn’t very good in those five minutes, either.

As for the star of the movie, Mr. Johnny Depp, he is the biggest disappointment of them all. It’s extremely obvious that he’s just rehashing his Jack Sparrow character in Pirates. And it’s really word that he’s phoning it in the whole damn time, considering that he learned the freakin’ Comanche language in order to play the part.

Speaking of Tonto, the movie doesn’t really do anything to clean up his unfavorable connotation with Aboriginal (Native American) stereotypes. Tonto is just fucking ridiculous, and his character is basically built around the premise that “Oh, those crazy Indians are so eccentric with their spirit talk, and meditation, and weird languages. He thinks the bird’s alive! That’s hilarious!”

It wouldn’t be so bad (Or, well, it might be tolerable) if Tonto was the bad-ass that the trailers promised, but he’s pretty much just a snarky jackass the whole time.

What Razzie Nominations Does it Deserve?

  • Worst Prequel, Remake, or Sequel: Well, it’s no Grown Ups 2, but it was still quite bad, so sure.
  • Worst Screenplay: Honestly, though I didn’t like the screenplay that much, I don’t think it can be ranked as one of the worst of the year, so no.
  • Worst Director (Verbinski): Sure
  • Worst Actor (Depp): Yes. It’s not like a nomination for this will do much to hurt his damn-near spotless resume, anyways.
  • Worst Picture: No. Compares to the other bad movies I’ve watched this year, this one was a stroke of genius. Nobody should mistake this for an Oscar endorsement, however.

Overall Score: 4.5/10 

Razzie Movie Review: After Earth

Disclaimer: Those who get offended by foul language may want to sit this review out.

After Earth

Directed By: M. Night Shyamalan

Produced by: Caleeb Pinkett, Jada Pinkett Smith, Will Smith, James Lassiter

Written by: Gary Whitta, M. Night Shyamalan (Story by Will Smith)

Genres: Science-Fiction, Action, Adventure

Starring: Jaden Smith, Will Smith

Other Actors: Sophie Okonedo, Zoe Kravitz

Razzie Nominations: Worst Picture, Worst Actor (Jaden Smith) Worst Supporting Actor (Will Smith) Worst Screen Combo (Jaden Smith and Will Smith) Worst Director (M. Night Shyamalan) Worst Screenplay (Gary Whitta, M. Night Shyamalan (Story by Will Smith))

Plot: It is the future, and, as you may have guessed from the title of the movie, human beings no longer live on planet Earth, having caused environmental cataclysms that rendered the planet uninhabitable for people. Attacked by aliens in their new home, Nova Prime, the humans are overwhelmed by the “Ursas”. Huge, blind monsters that find humans by smelling their fear. This is, improbably, the least stupid thing about this movie. Seriously? Couldn’t they just have nuked the motherfuckers into oblivion? I’m no science guy, but I’m pretty sure that nuclear missiles fear nobody.

Well, ALMOST nobody…

The human race is slaughtered like cattle until General Cypher Raige (Will Smith) develops the “ghosting” technique, which involves suppressing fear so that Ursas are blinded and easy to dispatch. Under the Fresh Prince’s leadership, the United Ranger Corps defeat the aliens and, years later, Cypher’s son Kitai (Jaden Smith) is training to become a Ranger himself.

When he fails to graduate from Ranger High, due to his highly emotional behavior, Cypher decides to bring his son with him on his last tour of duty before retirement, because a war zone is obviously the best place for a highly emotional teenager to be. This stupidity is compounded upon when we discover that there’s a live Ursa being taken to their destination for some reason that I was too uninterested and bored to look for. Which begs the question: In what fucked-up parallel universe is it a good idea to bring your idiotic, irrational teenage son to a dangerous planet, accompanied by a creature who’s sole purpose is to kill humans who display any emotion?

Anyways, long story short, the ship approaches an asteroid field, and the brilliant general decides to go straight through it instead of turning back. The ship crashes on the now-abandoned planet Earth, everybody except the Raiges are killed, the Ursa escapes, Cypher is crippled, and Kitai has to get to a mountain to shoot a distress flare. Seriously. My six year old cousin could write a better plot outline than this.

My main problem with this story isn’t the boneheaded plot-line, the bland special effects, the horrendous dialogue, or even the beyond-awful acting from the two leads (More on that later). My main beef is with the message that this movie is trying to get across to the audience: “Danger is real, but fear is a choice.” Cypher Raige explains, in a long-winded, boring bout of dialogue, that he believes that while danger is everywhere, “fear is an illusion created by the mind”.

No, it’s not, you fucking idiot.

What we refer to as “fear” is a perfectly normal emotion that warns us when something is uncomfortable or dangerous. One of the reasons that humans haven’t gone extinct is because we’ve had fear in the back of our minds, wondering if attempting to fly was such a good idea. When I go to El Salvador (FYI, I have Canadian and Salvadoran citizenship), I don’t just dismiss my reluctance to enter the slums in San Salvador as an illusion created by my asshole brain, blocking me from living life to the fullest. I listen to my fear, because I’d rather not get murdered for drug money by some 17-year old gang-banger with facial tattoos.

It is VERY easy to figure out who you may want to avoid in El Salvador.

Acting: You gotta give the Pinkett-Smith family props. They try so hard to try to convince moviegoers that the kids in that family (Especially Jaden Smith) are the most multi-talented little  bastards around. Problem is, they’re the only ones buying it. Setting aside Jaden’s (And his sister, Willow) halfhearted stabs at music careers, acting seems to be what they’re trying to jump into. Jaden appeared with his dad in 2006’s The Pursuit of Happyness, and appeared subsequently in The Day the Earth Stood Still and the Karate Kid remake. Was After Earth finally going to be the performance where Jaden established himself among Hollywood’s elite at the age of 14?

No. Of course not. Make no bones about it, Jaden Smith’s acting gave me nightmares. And not in a “Holy shit, I’m gonna be dreaming about Hannibal Lecter dismembering me for the next thirty years” sense. The first thing I did after finishing this movie was go upstairs and start praying to any deity who exists and/or who gave a shit and pray that this kid never touches the Star Wars franchise. I’m not even religious! I just hope for his sake that his star fades quietly so he doesn’t open himself up to any more embarrassments,  but it’s unlikely, considering the pressure his family seems to be putting on him.

Speaking of his dad, I hoped that his performance would be better than advertised, because I’ve always been a big Will Smith fan, but his performance just left me depressed and longing for the days of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. He’s just so damn wooden in this movie. Actually, scratch that, he looks depressed. Uninterested. Like he’s aware of all the nepotism in this project and he’s ashamed of it. Of course, it could just be that he knows that the movie was a piece of shit, but I like to think that he knows he made a mistake and can learn from it.

Although I could be wrong.

What Razzie Nominations Does It Deserve? 

  • Worst Screenplay: I dunno if it deserves to “win” this award, but the nomination makes sense, I guess.
  • Worst Director (Shyamalan): Did I seriously forget to lay into M. Night in my rants? Well the direction (Directing?) couldn’t have been less interesting in this movie, so yeah.
  • Worst Screen Combo (Smith and Smith): Actually, no, I don’t think so, but only because I don’t really think they were on-screen together enough to be considered a “combo”.
  • Worst Supporting Actor (Will Smith): He deserves the nod, for sure. Not the win, though.
  •  Worst Actor (Jaden Smith): Yep.
  • Worst Picture: Fo’ sho’. (Remind me to never say that again.)

Overall Score: 2.5/10

The Oscar/Razzie Project

It’s Oscar season once again, folks, and boy, oh boy, is there ever a lot of deserving nominations for the categories. 12 Years a Slave was a potent tale about, um, slavery, American Hustle…. Had a…Good cast, Nebraska had brilliant shots of…Nebraska, I guess, and The Wolf of Wall Street was one hell of a monster movie.

“Oh, shit! Run!”

As you probably guessed, I haven’t actually seen any of the nominees for best picture. Every year, I make a promise to myself that I’m going to watch all or most of the Oscar-nominated movies, and each year, I stay home and watch a nineties superhero cartoon on Netflix.

In my defense, I think the majority of the Oscar-watching population doesn’t actually watch any of the movies. That’s okay, because there’s so much else going on. You can (Hopefully) laugh at the host, you can see all your favourite actors and actresses wear beautiful clothes and pretend they don’t loathe each other, and you may have the chance to see somebody richer and more successful than you embarrass themselves on live TV! It’s a win for everybody, really.

However, for whatever reason, this year, I feel like watching all the best picture nominees, if only because I hate being out of the know if something is supposed to be really good. So, this year, I’ve decided to watch all of the Oscar movies (That is, the Best Picture Nominees) and, after watching, each one, I’ll post a short review on this blog.

There’s more, however.

See, I’m not content with only doing the nominees for the best in film-making. I’m also insanely curious to see what the WORST in film was like this year. Therefor, in addition to the Oscars, I will also be following the little known awards show known as the Golden Raspberries (Also known as the “Razzies”).

To give you an idea of what these short reviews will look like, here is a short review on a movie I watched last night that also happens to be a nominee for ten Razzie awards:

 Grown Ups 2 

 Directed by: Dennis Dugan (Of course)

 Produced by: Adam Sandler, Jack Giarraputo

 Written by: Adam Sandler, Tim Herlihy, Fred Wolf

 Genre: Gross-out Comedy

  Starring: Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Chris Rock, David Spade (Yuck), Nick Swardson (Ick) Salma Hayek, Maria Bello, Maya Rudolph, Alexander Ludwig, Taylor Lautner

  Golden Raspberry Nominations: Worst Picture, Worst Director (Dennis Dugan), Worst Actor (Adam Sandler) Worst Supporting Actor (Taylor Lautner) Worst Supporting Actor (Nick Swardson) Worst Supporting Actress (Salma Hayek) Worst Screenplay (Adam Sandler, Tim Herlihy, Fred Wolf) Worst Screen Combo (The entire cast) Worst Prequel, Rip-off or Sequel

Plot: A sequel to 2010’s Grown UpsGrown Ups 2 tells the continuing story of Lenny Feder, his wife (Salma Hayek) and kids, his best friends, Eric (Kevin James), Kurt (Chris Rock) and Marcus (David Spade) and their respective families, who have all moved back to their Connecticut hometown where they all grew up. I have no idea if I have any readers from Connecticut, but if so, I must ask: How often do deer break into your homes and urinate on you? Because that happens in the first two minutes of this movie.

Actually, “plot” is a bit of a misnomer. There is way too much shit going on in this movie, and none of it is the least bit interesting or funny. Adam Sandler movies have never been much for sophisticated plot crafting, but there was still at least some semblance of heart in movies like Happy Gilmore, Billy Madison and Click. I like to think of him as the poor man’s Will Ferrell. They’re two SNL alumni who make comedic movies with tons of heart under the somewhat lowbrow humour. Unfortunately, while Will Farrell is still hilarious, coming off critical and financial successes with Anchorman 2 and The Campaign, Sandler has not been even remotely near the top of his game for a few years now. Jack and Jill, That’s My Boy and now this.

But, I digress. Anyways, long story short, they decide to throw a party, hi-jinks and questionable cameos ensue.

Acting: Oh, Jesus, where do I even start?

I know that movies like this aren’t made to be Oscar-worthy, but seriously? These performances were God-awful, even by Happy Madison standards There are actually some damn talented people involved in this movie, but none of them even tried to do the best they could with what they got (Though, admittedly, there wasn’t exactly much to work with in the first place). Obviously, I wasn’t expecting too much from people like Nick Swardson, David Spade, Taylor Lautner, Kevin James or Shaquille O’Neal (Seriously), but I was at least expecting people like Adam Sandler, Salma Hayek, Chris Rock and Steve Buscemi to show a goddamn pulse, at least!

Worst of all are the portrayals of the women. They’re all depicted as shallow, overly nurturing and/or hormonal. Actually, they’re maybe not quite as offensive as this kid…

…But it’s still bad.

Oddly enough, the best performance was by Stone Cold Steve Austin. This is, however, nowhere close to being a credit to the incredible acting range of Mr. Austin.

Which Razzie nominations does it deserve?: 

  • Worst Screenplay: Absolutely. There was nothing funny about this movie, and it fails even when trying to be serious.
  • Worst Director: Yes. Dennis Dugan may be the furthest possible thing from Martin Scorsese.
  • Worst Sequel: Yup.
  • Worst Screen Combo: Absolutely. There wasn’t a single good performance in this movie.
  • Worst Supporting Actress (Salma Hayek): Yes. She may be one of the best actresses to come out of Latin America ever, but she sure as hell didn’t show it here.
  • Worst Supporting Actors (Taylor Lautner and Nick Swardson): Again, yes. Taylor Lautner sucked, and Nick Swardson has never once made me laugh. Ever. For all I know, he may be a nice person (Although if he’s anything like his characters, I doubt it), but honestly, at this point, I just hate the guy. (I would have also nominated David Spade, though)
  • Worst Actor (Adam Sandler): He definitely deserved the nomination, but I don’t know if I’d consider him as bad as Lautner, Swardson, Spade or O’Neal.
  • Worst Picture: Oh yeah, this was a disaster, through and through.

   Overall Score: 2/10 

Bad Movie Bi-Monthly (BM₂): The Benchwarmers

So, in order to fulfill my endless need for masochism, I have added a new segment to my poorly disguised outlet for schizophrenic ramblings. In this segment, named, “Bad Movie Bi-Monthly” (Or, “BM₂” for short) I pretty much do a  review of a movie that was deemed by critics and/or audiences to suck. I define criteria  for “sucking” as at least two of the following:

  1. Having a “Rotten” rating from critics on Rotten Tomatoes (That is, 59% or less)
  2. Having less than a 50% approval rating from audiences on Rotten Tomatoes
  3. Being nominated for one or more Golden Raspberry Awards (Any movie that wins or is nominated for Worst Picture is pretty much a shoo-in for a review.)
  4. Having anything to do with the following people: Adam Sandler, Nick Swardson, Rob Schneider, Michael Bay, Roland Emmerich, post 90’s George Lucas, Two and a Half Men– and-beyond-Charlie Sheen, Lindsey Lohan, post-insanity Nicolas Cage, Brett Ratner, post Dreamgirls Eddie Murphy,  Kristen Stewart, Tyler Perry, the Wayans Brothers Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer.

Why am I willing to put myself through this torture? Well, because I, like every other self-proclaimed critic, love yelling at bad things. Also, I’ve had my fragile self-esteem broken by various childhood traumas.

Yeah, that’ll do it.

Also, I should probably mention that it probably won’t be bi-monthly despite the title. I just really wanted to call a column about shitty movies “BM₂”.

“You see, because “BM” stands for “Bowel Movement”, which is-“
“I see they’re letting just anyone write blogs these days.”

Anyways, for the very first edition of “BM₂”, I have chosen to review a movie that I actually had a ton of fun with when I was little, but was brutalized by critics, earning a 11% approval rating at Rotten Tomatoes. Ladies and Gentlemen, give it up for…

Benchwarmers poster.jpg

Directed By: Dennis Dugan

Genre: Sports Comedy, Gross-Out Comedy

Starring: Rob Schneider, David Spade, Jon Heder, Jon Lovitz, Nick Swardson, Craig Killborn, Molly Sims, Tim Meadows, Amaury Nolasco, Reggie Jackson

Legacy: Joy at hearing Reggie Jackson speak, nausea at hearing David Spade speak, and an end to any relevance for Jon Heder.

Quick Plot Summary:

Gus, Clark and Richie (Rob Schneider, Jon Heder and David Spade, respectively) are three thirty-something lovable losers. (Wow, you can barely tell this movie was produced by Adam Sandler!) Gus is a married landscaper who is trying to have a kid with his wife (Molly Sims). Richie is a video store employee whose hobbies include being completely useless around girls and handing out lesbian porn to women at the video store (Actually, those two go hand in hand). Clark is a paper boy who still lives with his mother, who makes him wear a bike helmet at all times. He is also a man-child who eats his own boogers. Needless to say, both Richie and Clark were picked on as kids.

One day, Gus and Clark witness a bunch of nerdy little kids attempt to play baseball be harassed by a bunch of Little League bullies. They chase the bullies off and decide to get together with Richie to play ball. However, the same bullies appear and challenge them to a game. Despite the fact that there are only three of them and that Clark and Richie both suck horribly, the three adults win thanks to Gus’s excellent hitting and pitching performances.They are challenged by another team’s bully coach, but they win again. I can’t help mentioning that this would be a hell of a lot more impressive if they weren’t three times older then their opponents.

Jamie Moyer should have their luck.

The three friends are approached by one of the nerdy kid’s father, Mel (Jon Lovitz). A billionaire and a nerd himself, Mel reveals to them his plan to have the three men (Henceforth known as the Benchwarmers) play in a tournament against all the meanest, most competitive Little League teams. The winners of the tournament will get a new baseball stadium all to themselves, and if the Benchwarmers win, it will be designated as a place for nerdy kids to play ball. With the help of the nerdy kids and Reggie Jackson, the Benchwarmers start their journey to the finals of Mel’s Tournament.


When I first saw this movie at age 11 or something, I loved it. I was a baseball fan, and this was a baseball movie that included nut-shots. I really couldn’t have asked for any more.


Needless to say, I am dissapointed by this movie now. It’s not like I ever expected much from Happy Madison Productions, but I was at least expecting something that was a guilty pleasure like Van Wilder or The Expendables. There are just too much things wrong with this movie for me to really recommend it. My three main problems are the premise, the acting and the unfunny offensiveness.

The premise doesn’t bother me so much as it confuses me. Three older men defeat ten year olds at baseball in order to take a stand against bullying? That seems a little bit too much like trying to wrench somewhat of a love story out of a movie about a gigolo.


Well, we all saw this one coming.

No one expects a Adam Sandler-produced movie to have memorable acting, but it bears saying that the acting in The Benchwarmers is, at best, bad, and at worst, atrocious. I don’t actually have too much of a problem with Rob Schneider in this movie. He’s pretty mediocre, but not Little Man or European Gigolo bad. I really have nothing good to say about David Spade or Jon Heder in this movie. Spade just all-around sucks, while Heder is just milking his Napoleon Dynamite character. And as someone who thinks that Napoleon Dynamite is one of the shittiest, most overrated pieces of trash ever to be called a comedy, I REALLY hated Jon Heder in this movie.

Perhaps my biggest problem in this movie is the offensiveness. Now, I am a believer in the South Park philosophy that there should be no safe targets for ridicule. However, I also believe that a joke has to be funny to justify it’s offensiveness. This movie makes fun of agoraphobics, homosexuals, Latinos and midgets, and in none of these instances can I think of a funny moment.

As a person of Hispanic descent, I was probably most offended by the walking stereotype of Carlos (Amaury Nolasco’s character), a 50-year old Dominican alcoholic who plays against the Benchwarmers by bribing the umpire. He cheats, he drinks on the field, and he is a divorcee. The only way to make him a more clear stereotype is to give him a fear of border guards and a cocaine habit.

Now, I will be the first to admit that there is comedy gold to be had with the age-tampering that goes on in Latin America (That is, baseball players desperate to make some money for their families falsify their birth certificates in order to appear younger, therefore more attractive to big league scouts). However, this is not the way to do it. The filmmakers fall short of the handful of chuckles they would have needed to make this character worthwhile, and instead end up with incredulous stares.

This image is the reason why we can’t have nice things.


While it does have some semblance of a heart, and I’ll be damned if I didn’t find myself almost cheering for the Benchwarmers, the absence of consistent laughs, and lack of a premise or a justified offensiveness leave the movie dead in the water.