Game of Thrones- Season 5, Episode 9: The Dance of Dragons (SPOILER Review/Recap)

OH, FOR FUCK’S SAKE, STAN.

Welp. Don’t I look like an overly optimistic fool now?

Braavos

LanArya is about to fulfill her mission of assassinating the Thin Man when she gets distracted by another prospective target: Meryn Trant, the Kingsguard (And noted shitheel) who murdered Syrio Forel (Google him) back in season 1, when we all still had a modicum of faith left in humanity.

“What? They’re not gonna kill off the main character! Especially when that character is Sean Bean! Be serious!”

In retrospect, that should’ve been our first hint.

Anyways, she immediately forgets about the Thin Man and follows Trant around Braavos, where he is currently escorting noted buffoon Mace Tyrell, who is supposed to be negotiating a new deal with the Iron Bank of Braavos. but who seems to be busy making a complete and utter ass of himself. After ditching Bumblefuck Tyrell, Trant, closely followed by LanArya, makes his way to a brothel (As idle men tend to do in this show). There, he reveals that he, like every other fucking person in this goddamn show, is into some really gross sexual stuff, because of course he is.

Upon arriving back at the House of Black and White, Arya tells Jaqen that the Thin Man wasn’t hungry today, and that she’ll do the job tomorrow. Jaqen appears to buy that excuse. If you think that he actually did believe her, then I have some MySpace stock to sell you.

Can you buy stock in a social networking site? Eh, fuck it, moving on.

The Wall

Oh, fuck off with your dead family, Olly. Nobody cares anymore.

Also, Alliser’s still a giant dickhead. Shocking, I know.

The North

Despite all my hopes, prayers, and sacrifices to Cthulu, Ramsay’s guerilla attacks against Stannis are proving to be quite effective. Realizing that there’s no way that his troops survive the winter, Stannis sends Ser Davos to Castle Black in order to get help from Jon Snow. Ser Davos leaves after an adorable storyline with Princess Shireen, and Stannis visits her soon after to participate in another heartwarming father-daughter-

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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU HAD IT!!!! YOU HAD MY GOODWILL!!! AND WHAT DID YOU DO?!?!?! YOU BURNED A FUCKING TWELVE-YEAR OLD TO DEATH?!?!?! EAT A DICK STANNIS, WE’RE FUCKING DONE!!! FUCK YOU!!!! I HOPE YOU, YOUR CREEPY FUCKING WIFE AND YOUR DISGUSTING RED DRESS FUCK-BUDDY CTHULU BITCH ROT IN HELL!! 

…

I mean, first kill the Boltons and save Sansa, if need be, but afterwards EAT A MILLION SWAMP RAT RECTUMS AND DIE, YOU INHUMAN FUCK!!!!

Spain Dorne

…

Not gonna lie, that felt good. I should go completely unhinged more often. If only nobody had to die for that to happen. And what am I gonna do when Game of Thrones is over? My random murder quota is already so high!

Eh. A man’s work is never done, I guess.

Where was I? Oh, right, this surprisingly slow storyline.

To its credit, this storyline wasn’t all that bad to me, even if 80% of the dialogue from Elia Martell and the Sand Snakes sounded like recycled and modified Inigo Montoya dialogue.

Plus boobs.

Any flaws in the character development are made excusable by the fact that it’s nice to have a storyline that doesn’t end in just the worst way possible, with nobody dying except a ship captain and some miscellaneous Dornish guards, and who cares about them? It’s not like they’re people, or anything.

Stormtrooper logic people, stormtrooper logic.

Meereen

Daenarys and her posse are witnessing Opening Day at Daznak’s Pit, which is kind of like Opening Day at Yankee Stadium, but in this case, the Yankees are all getting brutally decapitated. A boy can dream, can’t he?

Anyways, Daenarys, Hizdahr, Missandei, Tyrion and Recast McFuckface engage in verbal sparring that makes heretofore unsuccessful writers like myself want to give up and leave it to the professionals. It’s so amazing and funny, and if I can ever write something half as good as the dialogue here, then I will feel complete in life.

After the first match is ended in a darkly hilarious matter, Jorah steps into the ring, and begins fighting in a terrific battle royale against some sword fodder, much to Dany and Tyrion’s shock. After Jorah dispatches them, he throws his spear into Dany’s booth… And hits a Son of the Harpy who was trying cut Dany’s throat!

The initial shock of seeing this is compounded upon when members of the audience put on masks and start cutting people’s throats. Our heroes all have some moments of badassery, Recast racks up a kill count (I’ve been rough on him this season. Whatever, he’s cool, I just think he’s kind of a dick), Tyrion kills a S.O.H. who’s trying to kill Missandei, and Hizdahr dies horrib- oh, wait.

The posse wanders into the middle of the coliseum for…reasons, when they are surrounded by the horned freaks when suddenly….. Dragon ex machina!!!!

“Surprise, motherfuckers!!!”

Dany then flies off with Drogon, leaving her posse staring in awe…. Before presumably being brutally murdered by the surviving Sons of the Harpy.

Overall: After last episode, Game of Thrones has gone back into no-holds-barred misery mode. Ah, well, the relative peace was fun while it lasted.

Rating: 9.5/10

Wait a minute… I was only one day late posting this thing? This calls for a celebration! Let’s go out and set things on fire, you guys!

Oh…. Too soon….

Game of Thrones- Season 5, Episode 7: The Gift (SPOILER Review/Recap)

Well, look who came crawling the fuck back!

No Arya today, but considering how much stuff happened in this episode, that’s probably a good thing. Shame about the Dorne storyline not really going anywhere tho-

*Brain short circuits*.

SPOILER ALERT. OBVIOUSLY.

The Wall

Jon Snow leaves with Tormund Giantsbane for Hardhome, which I assume is the home of the Wildlings North of the Wall. I dunno, Google it, I guess. Before he leaves, Sam gives Jon the Dragonglass he used to kill the White Walker, which I’m sure definitely means that Jon won’t have to use it. Now left attending an old and frail Maester Aemon Targaryen, Sam is left with Gilly as his only friend at Castle Black when Aemon dies in what’s actually a really touching death scene, especially in a show in which death is usually accompanied by head explosions and the audience’s’ screams of dismay. It was really well done, and quite sad, especially when he starts talking to his little brother, Aegon.

Sam gives a nice eulogy for the Maester before Alliser Thorne threatens him, like a dick. Who knew that giving him power would result in it going to his head? Later that night, Sam and Gilly are assaulted by a couple of the more rapey Brothers of the Night’s Watch, and are only saved by Ghost, who has been off doing whatever the fuck direwolves do in this goddamn show.

Somewhere, Nymeria is pulling all the strings. I’m calling it right now.

Anyways, Gilly tends to Sam’s wounds, and then they totally bang. Hey! Maybe this episode won’t be totally horri-

Winterfell

Oh, God damn it. Shit, let’s just get through this.

Sansa asks Reek to help her escape Winterfell. I call him Reek and not Theon, because he’s still being a sleazy little fuck, selling out Sansa to Evil Elijah Wood and getting a nice old lady flaid to death. I mean, I get that he was psychologically torn to shreds by Evil Elijah Wood, but there comes a point where he would display the slightest bit of a fucking conscience at least, right?

If I half-assedly defended that scene in the last episode for nothing, then I’m going to be pretty goddamn angry.

Anyways, Sansa steals what looks like a small, bladed tool, and if that means that EEW’s days are numbered, well, yes please.

I can only rewatch his death in Sin City so many times.

Miscellaneous Winter

Stannis is having a pretty rough go of it. Not only are his troops, used to fighting in warmer climates, having real trouble slogging through the Northern winter, but the Sellswords he paid for have abandoned him, and Davos is counselling a return to Castle Black. Stannis cordially tells him to fuck off and turns instead to Melisandre for help. She tells him that she is sure of his victory, but it would really help if we would go ahead and sacrifice his only daughter to the Red God. Fuck this lady.

To his credit, Stannis tells her to go soak her head. That’s Stannis for ya: A+ parent, thoroughly mediocre human being otherwise.

Meereen

Tyrion and Jorah are now officially owned by a noble named Yezzan no Qaggaz, who (Surprise!) is a complete and utter dickhead.

I know, slavers are dicks, it came as a shock to me, too.

The odd couple are destined for the fighting pits of Meereen, where, double surprise, Daenarys is visiting the smaller arenas before the main event, but not before enjoying a roll in the hay with Recast McFuckface. I guess she’s into him for his looks, because he’s spewing some garbage about murdering the nobles. Because that’s obviously going to end well. Wisely, she ignores him (For now!?!?) and goes to the fight, where she is disgusted, because she has at least some semblance of morals. When Jorah hears that Dany is watching the carnage, he rushes onto the arena and presents himself to her. Before she can feed him to one of her overgrown newts, Tyrion wanders into the arena, revealing himself to be Jorah’s gift to her.

Dayum. This is gonna be good.

Dorne

Bewbs.

Oh, and, uh, Jamie, Myrcella, something something.

I am a shallow pig. Mind as well admit that now.

King’s Landing

In the Sept of Baelor, Olenna Tyrell meets with the High Sparrow, trying to get him to release Loras and Queen Margaery after he and Cersei sicced the Faith Militant on them. When he proves headstrong, Olenna tries to bribe him, an, unlike literally anybody else in King’s Landing, the High Sparrow proves that he is not in it for himself. Scarily enough, he legitimately believes that he’s doing the god’s work, and cannot be dissuaded from doing what he believes is right. Wotta dick.

Also, Petyr plots with Olena about probably some wretched shit.

In the Sept, Cersei visits Margaery in the Queen’s cell in order to gloat, flashing her shit-eating grin in unrepentant glee. God, I can’t wait till someone gives this PsychoBitch the defeat she-

Oh. OH.

OH DAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYUUUUUUMMMMMM!!!!!!!!

I’m really hoping someone around you was using an air horn when you were reading that. You know, for effect.

Overall: Probably the best episode of the season so far, “The Gift” does a good job setting up what I can only hope are the earth-shattering (And hopefully not horrible) events to come.

The perfect accompaniment, I think.