The Scale Of Douchiness- (Quadruple Feature!) Emma Roberts, Amanda Bynes, North Korea and Rolling Stone Magazine

The best part about writing about douchebags is that you never run out of source material. Case in point, for the very first edition of the SoD, I have four subjects! Oh, how I love the shittiness of humanity!

That’s right Kony…Keep those blog hits flowing nicely…

SUBJECT: Emma Roberts

Goddammit Emma, why’d you have to be so adorable? It just makes my job that much harder!

Douche-Crime: Beating up her boyfriend, fellow actor Evan Peters (American Horror Story).

Well shit, that makes sense, I guess.

Douche Points Awarded: 2/2

Severity Douche Points: 1.5/2. It wasn’t close to being a Chris Brown-style beatdown, but there isn’t too much of a gray area when it comes to beating somebody up Either you beat the living shit out of them or you don’t.

Frequency: First-time offender. However, may happen again, considering that they are still together, apparently. The joint statement read that they “are working together to move past it.” 1/2

Circumstances: None revealed yet, but it’s highly suggested that the assault wasn’t justified. 2/2

Overall Douche Rating: 6.5/8 (Definite douchebag)

It’s completely possible that Roberts just lost her cool at Peters, as people in a relationship are likely to do. However, it’s also not out of the question that this may be a recurring, theme. Plenty of young actresses tend to become mentally unstable as they fly through puberty, much like our next douchebag

AMANDA BYNES

Part of me knew that she would be on my very first edition.

Douche-Crime (This time): Tweeting, after getting her head shaved earlier this year because it was damaged by salon treatments, on her schizophrenic clusterfuck of a Twitter account that “Not having hair makes [her] feel like a cancer  patient.” She later tried to explain herself, claiming that the tweet was meant to be read “Not having hair makes her feel like a  Cancer: Patient.” (As in the astrological sign) In addition to being a bullshit excuse, it bears mentioning that Bynes is an Aries. 2/2

Severity: 1/2. Try to remember that some retard posting idiotic tweets

Frequency: 2/2. Chronic offender. By now, the thing that comes to mind whenever anyone mentions Amanda Bynes  is not her dead-in-the-water acting career, but her crude, offensive, unintentionally hilarious and all-around insane Twitter account. Some other gems of hers include:

“I have no clue [why people say I’m insane]. Every time I’ve heard it, it came from an ugly person’s mouth, so I don’t care.”

“Rihanna you look so ugly tryin to be white.”

Yep, total Uncle Tom, right here.

“I’m 27 and don’t like when press talks to my parents. My parents are almost 70 years old. We are no longer on speaking terms. I would rather them be homeless than live off of my money.”

“I only have hot friends. They have my back until I die.”

“Everything is connected and connection is everything.”

“I want Drake to murder my vagina.”

“I’ll post ugly pics of @Drake every time I see one! Not hard  ”

“Chris Brown beat you because you’re not pretty enough.”

“Barack Obama and Michelle Obama are ugly!”

“Hey @Barack Obama… I don’t drink. Please fire the cop who arrested me. I also don’t hit and run. The end.” 

“I have no clue [why people say I’m insane]. Every time I’ve heard it, it came from an ugly person’s mouth, so I don’t care.”

To “American Pie” star Jason Biggs: “You’re so ugly I won’t talk to you.”

Adam Sandler-ish? Maybe. Ugly? Fuck no.

And my personal favourite:

“Chrissy Teigen, you’re not a pretty model compared to me,I signed to Ford models at age 13. I don’t looks up to you beauty wise. I’m far prettier than you! I’m offended that you’re saying I have a mental illness when I show no sign of it. But thankfully not one man that wants me wants you and you are an old ugly model compared to me!”

For those who don’t know, this is Chrissy Teigen.

“Look! Look at this ugly piece of shit!”

And this is Amanda Bynes:

“I’m very aroused.”

Circumstances: 2/2. Let’s see…. No one but her accesses her Twitter account, which means that she intentionally posted it.

ODR: 7/8 (Major Douchebag)

Sure, she’s just a has-been celebrity and who gives a shit, but that doesn’t make her any less douchey or her comment any more douchey and ignorant.

I try to be nice to our next douchebag, but they’ve finally crossed the line. Presenting…

ROLLING STONE MAGAZINE

Douche-Crime: Previously just a magazine with terrible music coverage and a socially liberal political slant (And yet, they back Obama), Rolling Stone decided to run a story about Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, the surviving Boston Marathon bomber. This would have been okay if they didn’t depict him as some sort of indie pop star. 2/2

Severity: 2/2. Truth be told, I do think the story needed to be run. From that I’ve heard on the Philip DeFranco Show, it’s a pretty informative, well written article.

But for God’s sake, did they have to run this picture? It’s bad enough that some freaky teenage girls are starting to turn him into a teen idol.

I can’t think of a joke here, this is fucking horrifying.

Couldn’t they have picked a different cover? Something that’s edgy, but not overly offensive? How about a photo of a rescue mission, or of the EIGHT YEAR OLD BOY HE MURDERED.

Henry Rollins did a spoken word piece on how death and violence are being “sexed-up” by the media. (Army ads, video games) I’m not here to tell everyone to not play Call of Duty, because it’s fun as hell, but they’re still glorifying violence any way you spin it. That magazine cover doesn’t make Tsarnaev look like the terrorist that he is, but a cute, tortured artist. That is not good. Those idiot teenagers I mentioned will not look at that cover and think “How could a regular, American kid be so horribly twisted.” They’re more likely to think “I hope he escapes custody, I wanna bang him.”

Frequency: 0.5/2. One-time thing, but they haven’t been good enough to apologize.

Circumstance: 1/2. It WAS their fault  that the cover was run, but I get what they’re trying to say with it: “How could such a sweet, peaceful American kid turn out to be such a monster?” They probably could’ve picked a better picture to convey that image, though.

ODR: 5.5/8 (Douchebag)

I think the story needed to be told, but I think Rolling Stone had the chance to present their message better and blew it badly. I just hope the “Free Jahar” people grow the fuck up before they do something horrible.

And, speaking of fucked up cults nobody likes… Our forth douchebag of the day!!!

NORTH KOREA

Douche-Crime: Transporting missiles across the Panama Canal and trying to riot when Panamanian authorities boarded the ship. Missiles are bad, m’kay? 2/2

Severity: 0.5/2. Sure, missiles aren’t always a laughing matter, but they are in the hands of a country that think that a twenty-something fat man is the reincarnation of the sun go or whatever the fuck they’re telling them now.

Frequency: 2/2. Kim Jong-Un is always trying to test his might against the powers that be, even though it really is hard to be intimidated by someone who looks Chaz Bono with allergies.

Circumstances: I dunno, Kim’s just an asshole. 2/2

ODR: 6.5/8 (Definite douchebags)

Cheers!

The Scale of Douchiness-Inaugural Edition

So, on Monday, I decided to jump on the Game of Thrones  bandwagon. Like many others, I’m sure, it has come to my attention, three episodes in,  that many of the characters on this show are insufferable douchebags.

And there simply aren’t enough midgets in this show to keep them in check.

So, it got me thinking, what if I took a little break from my ongoing “Baseball people who suck” series did a blog post where I compared the characters’ varying degrees of douchyness and came out with the show’s overall “Douchyness Standing”. I then decided against it, considering that it is four in the fucking morning, and I don’t want to commit too much time to this, as I have several columns that I may be way behind schedule on completing, like the aforementioned baseball series, a mid-season MLB prediction, another musician biography, and a couple movie reviews. Oh, the tense, never-relaxing life of a sixteen year old on vacation.

“Why have I been forsaken with this endless, endless free time??!!”

So, I decided to add another feature to my ever-growing cornucopia of knowledge. I call it “The Scale of Douchiness”. In it, I take a character, be it real or fictional, and evaluate their “Douchiness Quotient” (Patent Pending) on a scale of 1 to 8. The criteria is as follows:

– Severity of douche-crime(s). (Douche-Crime is defined as pretty much any action deemed unacceptable by reasonable people). It can range from obvious but minor douche-crimes (Popping collars, spray tans, getting smashed) to blatant and major douche-crimes (Murdering villagers, enjoying the “music” of Avril Lavigne, walking your child on a leash).

– Frequency of douche-crimes. Is it a one-time thing (Drunk-driving) or is it a serial incident (BrokenCyde)?

Here. Now you can hate them with me.

-Circumstances of douche-crime. Did the situation call for a douche-crime (self-defense killing)? Was it done for survival reasons or to benefit his/her family (Say, poor guy selling pot to get his daughters a better shot at education)?

So, anyway, here’s a sample one:

SUBJECT: KENNY S. ROLLINS

This is who came up when I searched my actual name. For the record, I’m a sixteen year old boy. But whatever, we’ll roll with it.

Douche-Crime: Dropping acid at the mall and cross checking old ladies and toddlers into shop windows before running through a playground fountain and declaring that “he is the lizard queen.”

Picture this, except with a brown teenager running through, drop-kicking anything that moves and screaming mostly incorrect Jimi Hendrix lyrics.

Douche Points Awarded: 2/2

Severity Douche Points Awarded: 1.5/2. Would’ve been a one if not for all the children (And adults) who were in need of counselling afterwords.

Frequency: 1/2. He is unlikely to repeat the crime, considering that he now mainly speaks in tongues and lines from Soul Plane, for some reason.

Circumstances: 1.5/2. Would have been 2 had it not been for the fact that the entire purpose of being a teenager is to act like an idiot.

Right, Joffrey?

Overall Douche Rating: 6/8.

Pretty ingenious right? I sure think so.

Anyways, stay tuned for more posts. Also, no Game of Thrones spoilers or I swear to God, I will to unspeakable things to you.