I haven’t posted anything in a while, mainly because I’ve been extremely busy with both studying for my final exams and dealing with crippling writers’ block. In the meantime, here’s a quick explanation of the scale I use to review movies. Not exactly riveting, I suppose, but I find that forcing myself to write some mindless filer is a fine way to round myself back into mediocre form.
I’m sure (Insert popular celebrity’s name here) would agree.
Hey, I said I had writer’s block, didn’t I?
Anyways, let’s start from the top, shall we?
10/10 (My Highest Possible Recommendation)
Notable examples: Pulp Fiction, The Empire Strikes Back, Citizen Kane, The Shawshank Redemption, The Godfather.
There is no such thing as a perfect movie, but these movies are the closest possible things to perfection. Not only should every moviegoer see these films, regardless of whether it’s their preferred genre or not, but they should also be shown in elementary school, so kids learn what can be the result when one strives for excellence.
Short answer: Headshots.
9/10, 9.5/10 (Classic)
Notable examples: The Dark Knight, Jurassic Park, Lion King, Terminator 2: Judgment Day, Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Sure, these movies may not be quite as good as those in the aforementioned category, as they may suffer from minor problems such as small plot holes, slip-ups in tone and dialogue, or children…
*Shudder*
…But these problems can be easily overlooked, and overall, these movies could still be considered some of the best in their genre.
8/10, 8.5/10 (Pretty Damn Great)
Notable Examples: Kick-Ass, Donnie Darko, Pacific Rim
While an 8/10 movie is still an A-list title and does much more good than bad, its flaws are much more pronounced than in the superior categories (It could be a combination of minor flaws or one big honking eyesore of a flaw), and it may only interest fans of the genre. Most people will enjoy it though, and any filmmaker would be proud to be involved in a movie like this.
7/10, 7.5/10 (Solid)
Does anybody even read these?
This rating is officially when some aspects of the movie start to negatively impact my enjoyment of it. It’s still a good movie, and most people would be entertained with it, but it still has a couple of major flaws that may drive other people away. However, it could also be a movie that aims low, but hits surprisingly high (A la RED).
6, 6.5/10 (Meh)
Goddamn. Talk about mismarketing.
Maybe this movie has something interesting to offer, but the finished product is just mediocre. It likely does have several positive elements, but they’re more or less cancelled out by elements that are mediocre or just plain bad. Fanboys might be fine with it, and the Academy has been known to give nominations to “Meh” movies, but the rest of us probably won’t be too wild about it.
5, 5.5/10 (Your Movie Sucks)
Somebody needs to explain to me why everyone thought this movie was so great. It infuriated me to no end.
These are some of the most forgettable movies around, as they are pretty much unspecial in every sense of the word. While a “meh” movie might have more positive than negatives (Albeit barely) maybe throwing around some good ideas, performances and whatnot, a sucky movie, while you can’t knock it for being terrible, makes it really hard for the audience to say anything good about it.
4, 4.5/10 (Deficient)
Notable Examples: The Lone Ranger, Spider-Man 3, most M.Night Shyamalan movies.
There are very, very little good things going for these movies. Maybe there might be some minor positives in the way of performances or action scenes, but it’s pretty fucking stupid overall. You can still watch it if you’re interested, but I wouldn’t recommend it, and you should all think really hard about your priorities in life before paying money to watch it.
3, 3.5/10 (Turd Sandwich)
Proof that even Roger Ebert could be wrong sometimes.
Maybe there’s a small group of masochists somewhere out there that may enjoy watching them, but they are few and far between, and I wouldn’t recommend hanging out with them for fear of getting any stupid on you.
Just kidding. Obviously, it’s a matter of opinion, and I’d rather see one of these movies than, say, Amanda Bynes within the limits of my high school, but it’s close.
0-2.5 (Pretty much the worst thing ever)
Notable examples: Most direct-to-DVD Disney sequels, Movie 43, Batman & Robin, The Phantom Menace, After Earth
If, at any point, you find yourself enjoying one of these movies, it’s time to start considering moving to a psych ward, because at this point, it stops becoming a matter of opinion and starts being a matter of mental health. Forget fighting off Amanda Bynes, I’d rather have nails driven into my kneecaps as that fucking Rebecca Black song plays in the background then watch this movie again.
Please Kill the Messenger 