The Oscar/Razzie Project

It’s Oscar season once again, folks, and boy, oh boy, is there ever a lot of deserving nominations for the categories. 12 Years a Slave was a potent tale about, um, slavery, American Hustle…. Had a…Good cast, Nebraska had brilliant shots of…Nebraska, I guess, and The Wolf of Wall Street was one hell of a monster movie.

“Oh, shit! Run!”

As you probably guessed, I haven’t actually seen any of the nominees for best picture. Every year, I make a promise to myself that I’m going to watch all or most of the Oscar-nominated movies, and each year, I stay home and watch a nineties superhero cartoon on Netflix.

In my defense, I think the majority of the Oscar-watching population doesn’t actually watch any of the movies. That’s okay, because there’s so much else going on. You can (Hopefully) laugh at the host, you can see all your favourite actors and actresses wear beautiful clothes and pretend they don’t loathe each other, and you may have the chance to see somebody richer and more successful than you embarrass themselves on live TV! It’s a win for everybody, really.

However, for whatever reason, this year, I feel like watching all the best picture nominees, if only because I hate being out of the know if something is supposed to be really good. So, this year, I’ve decided to watch all of the Oscar movies (That is, the Best Picture Nominees) and, after watching, each one, I’ll post a short review on this blog.

There’s more, however.

See, I’m not content with only doing the nominees for the best in film-making. I’m also insanely curious to see what the WORST in film was like this year. Therefor, in addition to the Oscars, I will also be following the little known awards show known as the Golden Raspberries (Also known as the “Razzies”).

To give you an idea of what these short reviews will look like, here is a short review on a movie I watched last night that also happens to be a nominee for ten Razzie awards:

 Grown Ups 2 

 Directed by: Dennis Dugan (Of course)

 Produced by: Adam Sandler, Jack Giarraputo

 Written by: Adam Sandler, Tim Herlihy, Fred Wolf

 Genre: Gross-out Comedy

  Starring: Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Chris Rock, David Spade (Yuck), Nick Swardson (Ick) Salma Hayek, Maria Bello, Maya Rudolph, Alexander Ludwig, Taylor Lautner

  Golden Raspberry Nominations: Worst Picture, Worst Director (Dennis Dugan), Worst Actor (Adam Sandler) Worst Supporting Actor (Taylor Lautner) Worst Supporting Actor (Nick Swardson) Worst Supporting Actress (Salma Hayek) Worst Screenplay (Adam Sandler, Tim Herlihy, Fred Wolf) Worst Screen Combo (The entire cast) Worst Prequel, Rip-off or Sequel

Plot: A sequel to 2010’s Grown Ups, Grown Ups 2 tells the continuing story of Lenny Feder, his wife (Salma Hayek) and kids, his best friends, Eric (Kevin James), Kurt (Chris Rock) and Marcus (David Spade) and their respective families, who have all moved back to their Connecticut hometown where they all grew up. I have no idea if I have any readers from Connecticut, but if so, I must ask: How often do deer break into your homes and urinate on you? Because that happens in the first two minutes of this movie.

Actually, “plot” is a bit of a misnomer. There is way too much shit going on in this movie, and none of it is the least bit interesting or funny. Adam Sandler movies have never been much for sophisticated plot crafting, but there was still at least some semblance of heart in movies like Happy Gilmore, Billy Madison and Click. I like to think of him as the poor man’s Will Ferrell. They’re two SNL alumni who make comedic movies with tons of heart under the somewhat lowbrow humour. Unfortunately, while Will Farrell is still hilarious, coming off critical and financial successes with Anchorman 2 and The Campaign, Sandler has not been even remotely near the top of his game for a few years now. Jack and Jill, That’s My Boy and now this.

But, I digress. Anyways, long story short, they decide to throw a party, hi-jinks and questionable cameos ensue.

Acting: Oh, Jesus, where do I even start?

I know that movies like this aren’t made to be Oscar-worthy, but seriously? These performances were God-awful, even by Happy Madison standards There are actually some damn talented people involved in this movie, but none of them even tried to do the best they could with what they got (Though, admittedly, there wasn’t exactly much to work with in the first place). Obviously, I wasn’t expecting too much from people like Nick Swardson, David Spade, Taylor Lautner, Kevin James or Shaquille O’Neal (Seriously), but I was at least expecting people like Adam Sandler, Salma Hayek, Chris Rock and Steve Buscemi to show a goddamn pulse, at least!

Worst of all are the portrayals of the women. They’re all depicted as shallow, overly nurturing and/or hormonal. Actually, they’re maybe not quite as offensive as this kid…

…But it’s still bad.

Oddly enough, the best performance was by Stone Cold Steve Austin. This is, however, nowhere close to being a credit to the incredible acting range of Mr. Austin.

Which Razzie nominations does it deserve?: 

• Worst Screenplay: Absolutely. There was nothing funny about this movie, and it fails even when trying to be serious.
• Worst Director: Yes. Dennis Dugan may be the furthest possible thing from Martin Scorsese.
• Worst Sequel: Yup.
• Worst Screen Combo: Absolutely. There wasn’t a single good performance in this movie.
• Worst Supporting Actress (Salma Hayek): Yes. She may be one of the best actresses to come out of Latin America ever, but she sure as hell didn’t show it here.
• Worst Supporting Actors (Taylor Lautner and Nick Swardson): Again, yes. Taylor Lautner sucked, and Nick Swardson has never once made me laugh. Ever. For all I know, he may be a nice person (Although if he’s anything like his characters, I doubt it), but honestly, at this point, I just hate the guy. (I would have also nominated David Spade, though)
• Worst Actor (Adam Sandler): He definitely deserved the nomination, but I don’t know if I’d consider him as bad as Lautner, Swardson, Spade or O’Neal.
• Worst Picture: Oh yeah, this was a disaster, through and through.

   Overall Score: 2/10 

Movie Review: Dogma (Spoilers!)

Well, it sure has been a while.

I guess I should begin by apologizing to any followers (All two of you) for not posting anything for around a month. I’m sure this has created a deep emotional void in your soul that only illicit substance use can come close to filling.

Yup, that was my bad.

Truth be told, I haven’t had much time for writing in this month of September, 2013, what with the start of the school year, and my getting a job. And when I have been writing, it’s usually been dedicated to trying my hand at non-fiction. And even if I did try to blog, I ended up with sub-par results, even by my standards. I ended up with a shitty back-to-school related article that I ended up shelving, and a Musician Biography camouflaged as a blank sheet.

Fortunately, I did eventually get inspiration for a movie review from one of Kevin Smith’s better known films. While not as much of a household name as Clerks, it still managed to get some positive recognition and even piss some people off. Ladies and Gentlemen, once again, give it up for…

Directed By: Kevin Smith

Genre: Dark Comedy, Religious, Independant

Starring: Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, Linda Fiorentino, Jason Mewes, Kevin Smith, Chris Rock, Salma Hayek, Jason Lee, Alan Rickman, George Carlin (R.I.P.)

Legacy: Ben Affleck’s last good pre- Hollywoodland movie before his descent into madness.

Plot: The movie opens with an old homeless man getting himself beaten into a coma by three roller-hockey playing teenagers outside of a skee ball arcade in New Jersey. Why does this sound like the setup to a George Carlin joke?

Speaking of which, the next scene takes  place in front of a church in New Jersey, where Cardinal Ignatius Glick (Played by the late king of comedy, George Carlin) unveils his plan to celebrate the centennial anniversary of his church via a plenary indulgence. For those not well-versed in Catholic theology, this would essentially mean that anyone who passes through the church doors has their sins forgiven and will be permitted to go to heaven upon death.  The references to Catholicism aren’t getting any less frequent from here on out.

Meanwhile, in distant Wisconsin, news of the plenary indulgence reaches a couple of fallen angels (Angels cast out of Heaven for rebellion against God), violent, unstable Loki (Matt Damon) and philosophical Bartleby (Ben “The Whipping Boy” Affleck), who were exiled from Paradise after Bartleby convinced a drunken Loki to renounce his job as the Angel of Death, which in God’s defense, does sound like it would be one bitch of a position to replace.

Sure, the salary isn’t as much as you’d think but really, the wholesale slaughter of the wicked is its own reward.

Anyways, Bartleby and Loki decide to set off for this church, deciding to go back home to Heaven via this loophole.

Meanwhile, in McHenry, Illinois, lifelong Roman Catholic Bethany Sloane (Men in Black‘s Linda Fiorentino) attends a sermon at church, where donations are being accepted to help out the old homeless guy in Jersey, who’s on life support. She later goes on to do her job at an abortion clinic. She’s a skeptical Catholic, by the way.

That night, Bethany is visited by the angel Metatron, who is the Voice of God (Alan Rickman) . He tells her about Loki and Bartleby’s plan and explains that if they use the loophole to get back to heaven, all of existence will be destroyed, as it would be overruling the word of God. I guess God doesn’t respond well to constructive criticism. Does this sound like someone else you know?

“Writing a nasty review for [Kevin Smith’s shitty-as-hell buddy cop movie] Cop Out is akin to bullying a retarded kid.”-Kevin Smith

However, Bethany resists the mission, as she has lost her faith in God after her divorce, a direct result of her infertility.

She wakes up and dismisses it as a dream. The very next day, she is attacked on her way back from work by the same three punks that assaulted the homeless guy in Jersey. Before they can assault her though, they are defeated by a couple  of pot-dealing Kevin Smith staples, Jay and Silent Bob (Jason Mewes and Kevin Smith), two prophets that Metatron said would assist her on her journey. As she reluctantly accepts the journey and sets off with obnoxiously raunchy Jay and silently raunchy Bob, they are joined by Rufus (Chris Rock), the little known Thirteenth Apostle (Who was left out of the Bible for being black) and Serendipity (Salma Hayek), the smoking hot muse with severe writer’s block.

You got me. The entire purpose of this post was to have an excuse to use this photo. You would have done the same.

Overview:

This movie served as my introduction to Kevin Smith, who I only knew previously as the chubby director from New Jersey who calls people “cats” a lot. And I have to say, I’m pretty damn impressed. Smith, a lifelong Catholic, has crafted a pretty damn interesting world, and skillfully displays how to weave Catholic mythology into an entertaining piece of work. Now, personally, I’m an extremely skeptical agnostic (Though I did go to Bible Camp when I was seven) and couldn’t give one shit about somebody’s religion unless they were using it as an excuse to hurt somebody, but I must admit, this movie got me interested in Catholicism.

Well, this movie and the pope.

Now, am I going to get myself baptized at age sixteen? Of course not. There’s too many things standing in the way of me and religious faith (Namely, science and logic) but man, can I ever respect the idea of making religion actually look entertaining. Sure, the dickless angels are a bit much, but overall, I enjoyed how the movie seemed to both pick on and maintain a hopeful optimism for the Catholic Faith.

However, I do have a problem with the movie’s jokes. It’s not that I’m insulted by the digs at religion, because, as I arrogantly said before, I really couldn’t care less. It’s just that the movie seems to suffer from long stretches of little to no jokes.  I found myself more drawn in by the presentation and the performances, which is fine, but one would expect that a comedy movie, especially one starring George Carlin and Chris Rock, would be quite funny. It’s not like it’s completely humourless. There were a couple of moments where I laughed out loud, and Jay and Silent Bob were hilarious. However, maybe it’s not that the movie wasn’t funny enough. Maybe it’s just that Linda Fiorentino ruined all the lines that were supposed to be funny.

With all due respect to Ms. Fiorentino, she was utterly terrible in this movie. I didn’t like how she played her character, how she delivered her lines, or how she never, not once in the entire fucking film, broke the role of “surly middle aged woman who says everything in a snarky tone of voice.” She took me completely out of the movie, and single-handedly demotes this movie from a must-buy to a rental.

The rest of the cast, however, does a bang-up job. Affleck and Damon do great jobs as the fallen angels, and are obviously having fun with their respective roles, as demonstrated in the scene where they pass judgement on and subsequently murder a room full of fast food CEO’s. Carlin is funny, though criminally underused, and Mewes and Smith had field days with their characters. Alan Rickman was awesome, as always, Hayek was awesome (And unfathomably hot) and Chris Rock was excellent as the racially-discriminated apostle. (SPOILER ALERT) Alanis Morrisette was also in this movie, as God’s True Form, a mute Manic Pixie Dream Girl. This is more perplexing than anything else.

Overall:

Sure, there are parts where the comedy isn’t quite up to snuff, and Linda Fiorentino definitely wasn’t helping, but excellent casting (Aside from you-know-who) and an extremely interesting plot make this movie a notable, if not spectacular, indie comedy.