Coming Soon to PKTM…

Whoever got the brilliant idea to start running back-to-school ads in July should be quietly executed.

Holy crap, so much for one hundred posts this year, huh?

In my defense, I’ve been kind of busy this past week what with starting my senior year of high school and working late for the last few days. And even worse, I don’t have a topic to rant about (At least, not one that hasn’t been rendered irrelevant thanks to procrastination on my part), or a movie on tap to review (Thanks to the fact that no interesting movies are coming out for a while).  However, far be from me to let some crappy education get in the way of my bitching about unimportant things. Here are some things coming up here at PKTM that I hopefully will not chicken out on actually writing (This is what is known as a “filler post”).

Movie Reviews: The most prominent feature of this blog isn’t going away any time, and, in fact is probably gonna get even more prominent now that I’ve discovered that public transportation is not merely a way for the mentally unstable to get from place to place. Fun fact: It’s also an effective way to get to movie theatres. Who knew, right?

I plan to do a lot more reviews for new movies, seeing them the Friday that they come out (And hopefully getting them out some time during the following weekend) or, failing that, as soon as I possibly can (Unless they’re horror movies, because 95% of horror movies suck). Some movie reviews that y’all should look forward to soon include (But do not exclude):

  • The Maze Runner
  • The Equalizer
  • Gone Girl
  • The Judge
  • Fury
  • The Book of Life
  • Fuckin’ Birdman!!!
  • Laggies
  • Interstellar
  • Big Hero 6 (If I can get into a showing devoid of small children)
  • Foxcatcher
  • The Hunger Games: Mockingjay -Part 1

So yeah, I’ll probably get around to seeing those movies (Unless circumstances prevent me), and I’ll do previously released movies as well, but maybe not as frequently as before (Which wasn’t that frequent to begin with). Also, as was the case before, I’ll be reviewing any movies nominated for Oscars or Golden Raspberries. Hopefully, I won’t end up two movies short again this year.

Hey man, you try figuring out what the hell to take away from The Great Beauty.

Other Movie Stuff: Ever wondered who would win in a fight to the death between the great Quentin Tarantino villains? No? Not even a little bit? Well, screw you guys, I want to figure that out.

Also, with a bizarre Dynasty Warriors/Legend of Zelda crossover coming out later this month, I ponder how one could adapt the video game phenomenon that is The Legend of Zelda to the big screen. If it should  be adapted at all, I mean.

And, with Disney following up the all-conquering juggernaut of a movie that was Frozen with Big Hero 6 in November, I count down the Top 15 animated films of the 21st century. Hopefully, I get around to finishing that.

An Introduction to Canada: I really hope to get back on this, because I really had fun doing the articles on geography, which is coincidentally the most fun I’ve ever had with anything geography related in my life.

Instinctive Rants: Poorly thought out, rushed and usually overly vulgar. God, I love ’em.

TV Reviews: More on this later, but long story short, I’m going to be reviewing TV shows (And the MLB playoffs, because why the hell not?) starting with Gotham later this month. Stay tuned, people.

An Introduction to Canada Episode 2: The Rest of the Provinces!

Welcome to part 2 of my ongoing series, my introduction of Canada to those who may not know that much about the country and Canadians in general. If you’re wondering where the Arctic Territories and the Maritime Provinces are at, head on over here.


Motto: Multis e Gentibus Vires (Latin) Strength from many peoples (English)

Capital: Regina

Largest City and Metro: Saskatoon

Joined Confederation: 1905 (Split from Northwest Territories)

Official Language: English

Premier: Brad Wall (Saskatchewan Party)

Population: 1,033,381

Comparable to: North Dakota, but prettier.

Claim to Fame: That one time Tom Hanks came to watch the Grey Cup.

Tom Hanks poses for a photo at the 101st Grey Cup game held at Mosaic Stadium in Regina, Sask. on Sunday Nov. 24, 2013.

Fun Facts:

  • Canada’s farm-iest province.
  • If you’re ever in Saskatchewan, and you want to win over the locals (Say, I dunno, you’re being forced into a shotgun wedding by a crazed gopher-herding family) just wear green and white, or some variation of this logo. Just trust me on this.

Also, wearing watermelons on your head is perfectly acceptable here. Just in case in case you’re into that stuff.


Map showing the location of Manitoba, in the centre of Southern Canada

Motto: Gloriosus et- O irrumabo! Culicibus! (Latin) Glorious and- Oh, fuck! Mosquitoes! (English)

Capital, largest city and largest metro: Winnipeg

Joined Confederation: 1870

Official language: English, but French is all but official too.

Premier: Greg Selinger (New Democratic Party)

Population: 1, 208, 268

Comparable to: Minnesota, but covered in mosquitoes.

Claim to Fame: Along with Saskatchewan, Northern Ontario, and Western Ontario, one of the “flyover provinces”.

Fun Facts:

  • Churchill, a town in the Northern part of the province, bordering Hudson’s Bay, is a small, mostly Aboriginal, town, where the tourism industry is thriving thanks to the fact that polar bears venture near (And sometimes into) the town in the months of October and November.
  • More mosquitoes per square kilometer than most tropical countries.

Actual size.


Motto: Fortis et liber (Latin) Strong and Free (English)

Capital: Edmonton (My hometown!)

Largest City and Metro: Calgary

Joined Confederation: 1901

Official language: English

Premier: Alison Redford (Progressive Conservative Party)

Population: 3, 645, 257

Comparable to: Montana (Climate) , Texas (Damn near apocalyptic environmental policies, right-leaning governments, and an unfortunate preference for country music).

Claim to fame: Nickleback. We are so, so fucking sorry.

Fun Facts:

  • The second-most entitled, and most spoiled province in the country. Yep, we’re those guys.
  • Fort McMurray, in the North of the province, is the heart of one of the country’s main hubs of oil production, the notorious Athabasca Tar Sands. No joke here, I just hope it burns to the ground.
  • Just a heads up: Any city or town in Western Canada that has a name that begins with “Fort” is bound to be a piece of crap.

British Columbia

Motto: Splendor sine occasu (Latin) Splendour without diminishment (English

Capital: Victoria

Largest city: Vancouver

Largest metro: Metro Vancouver

Joined Confederation: 1871

Official language: English

Premier: Christy Clark (Liberal Party)

Population: 4, 400, 057

Comparable to: Washington (Canada’s main source of pot. Similar climate in the south. Also, hipsters) Oregon (Similar politics. And climate. Also, hipsters) California (Many TV shows and movies are filmed there. Also,  similar politics. And hipsters.)

Claim to fame: Pamela Anderson.

‘Nuff said.

Fun Facts:

  • The most beautiful province in the country. Bar none.
  • BC was the home of the internment camps where the Canadian government imprisoned innocent Japanese-Canadians during World War II. Yeah, we used to be REALLY racist.
  • Also, while we’re on the topic of racism, the Canadian Pacific Railway, which runs from Vancouver to various parts of Canada and the Northern States, we made the not morally terrible at all decision to use Chinese migrant workers (Or “coolies”, as they were lovingly referred to) as slave labour, paying them pennies in return for building the damn railroad and handling insanely dangerous explosives. In return, the Chinese took over the city of Richmond.
  • The southwest corner of the province is more or less the only part of the country that isn’t blanketed by snow eight months out of the year.


Motto: Je me souviens (French) I remember (English)

Capital: Quebec City

Largest city and largest metro: Montreal

Joined Confederation: 1867

Official Language: French

Premier: Pauline Marois (Parti Quebecois)

Population: 7, 903, 001

Comparable to: Louisiana’s french population (Minus the friendly Cajuns) and Texas’s occasional separation jags (Except more realistic and more reasonable).

Claim to Fame: Celine Dion. Again, we are so, so sorry.

“And my heeeeeeaaaaaaarrttt will go oooooooooooooooooon……….”

Fun Facts:

  • While most of the southern part of the province is of stereotypical French-Canadian stock, the northern is composed mostly by Cree and Inuit people.
  • In 1963, a far-left, separatist paramilitary group called the Quebec Liberation Front launched a series of propaganda and terrorism which targeted English (Or “Anglo-Saxon Imperialist”) institutions in the province. They were responsible for the deaths of at least five people in between 1963 and 1970, when they were involved in the October Crisis, during which they kidnapped the British trade commissioner to Canada, James Cross, as well as Quebec vice-premier Pierre Laporte. While Cross was released and the FLQ fled to Cuba like a bunch of little bitches, Laporte was found in the trunk of an FLQ members’ car, strangled by his own rosary beads. The world is a dark and horrible place, kids!

Oh, look! Puppies!

  • The birthplace of poutine. See? Maybe life ain’t so bad.


Motto: Ut incepit Fidelis Sic Permanet (Latin)

Capital, largest city and largest metro: Toronto (Ontario is also home to Canada’s federal capital, Ottawa)

Joined Confederation: 1867

Official Language: English (de facto)

Premier: Kathleen Wynne (Liberal Party)

Population: 12, 851, 821

Comparable to: New York State

Claim to fame: Rob Ford, motherfucker!

Fun Facts:

  • The most populous province, accounting for forty percent of Canada’s population.
  • Home of some of the most mediocre sports franchises in North America.

And that’s not even mentioning the Ottawa sports teams.

That’s it for today, but I plan on doing more episodes of my Intro to Canada some time in the near future. In the meantime, I’ll see you all sometime after my exams are over. Or when I finish binge-watching Orange is the New Black when I should be studying. Either or.

An Introduction to Canada: The Happiest Place on Earth!

Anybody who maintains their own blog on WordPress knows that there’s a little button you can press on your dashboard that takes you to a Stats page where you can see how much views you get per day, which pages are getting more traffic, your top commenters, and, oddly enough, what people are searching on their respective search engines to get to your site. You can end up learning quite a bit about the people who read your blog. Some of the more popular searches on mine are:

  1. “evan peters is a douche”
  2. ‘daryl sabara is gay”
  3. “amanda bynes ugly”
  4. “fuck jhonny peralta”
  5. “fuck alan rickman”
  6. ‘daryl sabara gay porn”
  7. “domican (I think they meant “Dominican”) piece of shit alex rodriguez”
  8. Alex rodriquexz is a piece of shit” (All right, settle down)
  9. “munenori kawasaki suck” (….You have no heart)
  10. the lion king simba and nala’s big fuck fanfiction (I don’t want to live on this goddamn planet anymore)

However, my favourite of the statistics that WordPress provides its bloggers is the thing (For lack of a better noun) that counts up how many views you get from each different country. It’s amazing how the internet has brought the whole world together so that people can ask themselves the important questions, like “How the hell am I not being censored in Saudi Arabia?” and “How is there still internet in Syria?”.  It’s this kind of global unity that should , if all goes well, eventually get us to the point where we stop getting irrationally mad at each other and start loving our fellow man.


Anyways, while I’m not surprised surprised that there haven’t really been all that many people who have gazed upon the products of my comic genius, I was surprised at how few of the views were from my native Canada. The vast majority of my views come from the United States of America, and while Canada was second, it was still outnumbered by the combined views from non-english speaking countries like Germany, France, Brazil, the Philippines, Mexico, Argentina, Spain and Australia.

“Fuck off, Rollins, we’re getting tired of your shit.”

Anyways, since, if you’re reading this, there’s an eighty seven percent chance that you are not Canadian, I have decided to do a series of blogs about Canadian culture. These blogs, spread out over however much time as is necessary, will comprise of me enlightening people who may not know that much about Canada. Today, we’ll start with everyone’s favourite subject: Geography!


Part 1 0f 2: The Territories and the Maritime Provinces



Motto: “Nunavut Sannginivut” (Inuit) “Our Land, Our Strength” (English) “Notre Terre, Notre Force” (French)

Capital and Largest City: Iqaluit

Official Languages: Inuit, English and French

Joined Confederation: 1999

Premier: Peter Taptuna (Independent)

Population: 31,906

Which American State is it Comparable to?: Alaska + Oklahoma.

Claim to Fame: Nakasuk Elementary School in Iqaluit was modeled to look like whale blubber!

Nakasuk Elementary School.jpg

Fun Facts:

  • Canada’s biggest province or territory. It’s also it’s most sparsely populated!
  • The most recent of the provinces or territories, it was formed in 1999 when 85% of Nunavut citizens (Or Nunavummiuq, for short) voted to establish a separate territory for the Inuit people (Sometimes referred to erroneously as ‘Eskimos”) and split from the Northwest Territories.
  • The only province or territory where the majority of the population have a mother tongue other than English or French.
  • The region of Canada with the lowest life expectancy. We’re really not that good at taking care of Native people.


Canadian Provinces and Territories


Motto: None

Capital and Largest City: Whitehorse

Official Languages: English and French

Joined Confederation: 1898

Premier: Darrell Pasloski (Yukon Party)

Population: 33, 897

Comparable To: Alaska

Claim to Fame: That one Calvin and Hobbes story where they want to go to the Yukon.

Good times…

Fun Facts:

  • Home of the Klondike Gold Rush of the late 19th century, captured on film by the great documentarian Charlie Chaplin in 1925’s The Gold Rush.
 Charlie Chaplin in The Gold Rush

Ken Burns, eat your heart out.

  • The setting for American writer Jack London’s best known  books: The Call of the Wild and White Fang.

Northwest Territories 


Motto: None

Capital and Largest City: Yellowknife

Official Languages: Chipewyan, Cree, English, French, Gwich’in, Inuinnaqtun, Inuktitut, Inuvialuktun, North Slavey, South Slavey, Tłı̨chǫ

Joined Confederation: 1870

Premier: Bob McLeod (Independent)

Population: 41, 462

Comparable to: Alaska

Claim to Fame: The designated region that Canada divides up if we decide to have ourselves a new province or territory.

Fun Facts:

  • The Northwest Territories used to comprise parts of Quebec, Ontario and Manitoba, as well as all of Nunavut, the Yukon, Alberta and Saskatchewan.
  •  Along with Nunavut, the only Canadian province or territory to have an Aboriginal majority population.

Prince Edward Island


Motto: Parva sub ingenti (Latin) The small protected by the great (English)

Capital and Largest City: Charlottetown

Official Language: English (de facto)

Joined Confederation: 1873

Premier:  Robert Ghiz (Liberal)

Population: 140, 204

Comparable to: Maine (But floating!) + Delaware (They’re both about the same size)

Claim to Fame: Anne of Green Gables. I’d add a snide comment here, but I’d rather not get shanked by some fifty-something Anne Shirley fan.

Fun Facts:

  • The smallest province or territory.
  • Charlottetown, the capital city of P.E.I., is where Confederation was signed, forming the Dominion of Canada in 1867. Oddly enough, the province of P.E.I. itself didn’t join until seven years later, as it was still considering joining up with the United States.

Newfoundland and Labrador


Motto: Quaerite prime regnum Dei (Latin) Seek ye first the kingdom of God (English) (Matthew 6:33)

Capital and Largest City: St. John’s

Official Language “English” (de facto)

Joined Confederation: 1949

Premier: Kathy Dunderdal (Progressive Conservative)

Population: 514, 536

Comparable to: Massachusetts (Mainly because of their funny similar-but-not-Irish accents)

Claim to Fame: Just do yourselves a favour and search “Newfie accents” on Youtube.

Fun Facts:

  • Home of quite possibly the first European settlement in the Americas, the short-lived Viking settlement at L’Anse aux Meadows (It’s around five hundred years older than Christopher Columbus’s “discovery” (Or, more appropriately, “rape and slaughter”) of the Caribbean.
  •  The last province to join Confederation.

New Brunswick


Motto: Spem reduxit (Latin) Hope restored (English) L’espoir restauré (French)

Capital : Fredericton

Largest City: Saint John

Largest Metro: Greater Moncton

Official Languages: English and French

Joined Confederation: 1867

Premier: David Alward (Progressive Conservative Party)

Population: 751, 171

Comparable to: Maine

Claim to Fame: The best lobster in the galaxy.

You’re on, Maine.

Fun Fact:

  • During the French colonial period, New Brunswick was settled by French-speaking settlers known as Acadians, who developed their own cultural identity, separate from France, or even Quebec. After the British takeover, and during the subsequent so-called “French and Indian War”, the British, worried that the Acadians may fight on the side of the French (They weren’t planing to) tried to make the Acadians swear allegiance to King George III. When the Acadians refused, they were swiftly rounded up and deported to Britain France, the Caribbean  and the United States. The largest present-day population of Acadians anywhere in the world is in Louisiana, where they are commonly referred to as “Cajuns”.  So you have Canada, the French language, and the douchebaggery of the British Empire to thank for shrimp gumbo. Who knew?

Nova Scotia


Motto: Munit Haec et Altera Vincit (Latin) One defends at the other conquers (English)

Capital and largest city: Halifax

Official Language: English (de facto)

Joined Confederation: 1867

Premier: Stephen McNeil (Liberal Party)

Population: 921, 727

Comparable to: Maine

Claim to Fame: Canada’s most penis-shaped province since 1867.

Fun Fact:

  • The birthplace of Ellen Page, Donald Sutherland, Sidney Crosby and Rocky Johnson (Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s father).
  • The Rock himself also became a Canadian citizen. Do you need any more proof that fucking with Canada is a bad idea?

Yeah, I didn’t think so.


Since my last post…

  • The Philippines continue to deal with the aftermath of typhoon Haiyan, which has affected 11 million people.
  • The situation in Syria is still a total clusterfuck, with the Iranian Embassy in Lebanon being bombed by the fundamentalist Abdullah Azzam Shaheed Brigade. The good news, however, is that the UN is moving forward with the destruction of Syria’s chemical weapons, meaning that both Bashar al-Assad and the Free Syrian Army can both haphazardly murder civilians without resorting to chemical weapons. Let freedom ring!
  • The Saskatchewan Roughriders defeated the Hamilton Tiger-Cats 45-23 to win the 101st Grey Cup. Fuck you, this is news in Canada.
  • A supermarket in Riga, Latvia collapsed, killing six and injuring 35.
  • Everybody’s spying on everybody, with the NSA just generally being total assholes and spying on anybody with a pulse, and Australia and Canada spying on two known rogue nations, Indonesia and Brazil.

Although the pervert in me realizes the logic of setting up surveillance cameras in Brazil.

  • The 50th anniversary of JFK’s murder came and went.
  • Angola may or may not have illegalized the Islamic religion. Considering that Angola is not currently a smoking crater in the ground, I’m moderately sure the latter is the truth.
  • Protests in the Ukraine rage on against the suspension of the European Union Association Agreement, and the rampant unemployment and corruption characteristic of post-Soviet republics. The Ukrainian police and government, being corrupt and trigger-happy, injure 165-244 Ukrainians.
  • The Hunger Games: Catching Fire becomes the biggest North American November film release, grossing $161 million in the U.S. and Canada over its first weekend. The movie’s amazing. Go see it.
  • Ian Watkins, the frontman of Welsh rock band LostProphets, pleads guilty at Cardiff Crown Court  to attempted rape and sexual assault of a child under 13, but not guilty to rape. This was accepted by the prosecution. He further pleaded guilty to three counts of sexual assault involving children and six involving taking, making or possessing indecent images of children and one of possessing an extreme pornographic image involving a sex act on an animal. Watkins’ victims included a baby. The world is a dark, unfeeling, evil place, kids!
  • The Canadian  Prime Minister’s Office is all but proven guilty of bribing senators. What is this, Ukraine or something?
  • The Fast and the Furious actor Paul Walker is killed in a car crash. Pointing out the irony of the previous statement, while humorous, does not make you any less of an asshole.
  • The Thai Prime Minister is forced into hiding by anti-government protests.
  • Gay marriage is outlawed in Croatia, with 65 per cent voting for illegalizing it. 65 per cent of Croatians suck.
  • Holy crap, a nuclear deal between Iran and everybody else was signed! (Nobody tell them about Argo)
  • Xavier Bettel becomes the first openly gay prime minister of Luxembourg.
  • Unidentified militants murder 52 people in Sana’a, Yemen.
  • Oh. Right. Lest we forget, Canada’s biggest city has a morbidly obese alcoholic crackhead for a mayor.

And Now: Picking on White Supremacists! (With your host: Kenny Rollins!)

Here at PKtM Inc., we pride ourselves of employing a racially diverse workforce. (Specifically: one half-White Canadian, half-Salvadoran teenager and two black cats who can’t stop walking across the goddamn keyboard.)

Actually, the cats have fewer typos than me.

Click meAnd that’s why it pains me so much when I wander onto a website with an open comment board and see a bunch of hateful, bigoted bullshit that has no place in modern society. Apparently, us PC liberals have made the mistake  of accepting multiculturalism, or, as they’re fond of calling it, “white genocide”.

Yes, our blind acceptance of people from all around the world has diluted our pure Anglo-Saxon heritage and will eventually lead to the extinction of the white race. And God forbid you show some form of attraction for somebody of a different race. Then, you are not only walking, talking filth, but also aiding and abetting the destruction of the glorious white culture.

Glorious, isn’t it?

I shouldn’t have to tell anybody how full of shit these people are. However, one of my favourite posts that white supremacists use online is some variation of the following:

“I’m not racist, but… (Insert racist blatherings here)

Stop White Genocide!






I’m sure you’ve all seen some variant of this guy.

Now, do I have to emphasize how stupid that last line is? Anti-racist does NOT mean anti-white. Martin Luther King Jr. didn’t . hate white people. And since the majority of white people (You know, the sane ones) are anti-racist, that makes your race the most self-loathing race around, which really isn’t something to be proud of.

Also, it has been pointed out by others, and will now be pointed out by me, by your own rules, you’re not a fucking American. That would be the First Nations people (Or Indians, erroneously) who got here waaaaay before you (We, I guess. My  great-grandparents were Danish) murdered them because apparently, sharing land is un-Christian.

To be fair, there was one guy who kept telling everyone that it’s better to love than to hate or kill, but he was just some freaky hippie, so who cares?

And also, for those of you that think that black people are nothing but violent, thuggy welfare leeches? Well, first of all, they’re not, and second of all, remember this: Their ancestors didn’t wanna be here either. Who brought them here? Racist white people.

Seen here: The descendants of the biggest catalysts of multiculturalism in America.

So that means that you neo-Nazi nutbags who want everyone to go back to where they came from, and yet, march for a White America are a bunch of idiotic windbags. What’s wrong? Do they not teach history at Stormfront High?

And since we’re taking all the white people from America, Oceania, Africa and Asia and conveniently re-locating them in Europe (You guys’ rules, not mine) I feel I should point out that you are going too have one horrid time living in your pasty utopia. Why? Because having the whole white populations of the U.S., Canada, Australia, New Zealand, South Africa and Latin America relocate to a tiny continent like Europe is gonna cause one hell of an overpopulation problem. And then, while your United Republic of Never Gonna Happen In Your Whole Shitty Life crumbles from infrastructure problems, maybe the rest of the world can clean up some of the damage done, hm? Hell, I’ll just let the late, great George Carlin take over from here.

I’m not entirely sure how that was relevant, but we all need a little Carlin every day anyways.

And lastly, there’s something I find hilariously ironic about these racist a-holes. Mainly, their stance against illegal immigration to the States from Mexico and Latin America.

Well, since the vast majority of Mexicans (And most latinos, really) are mestizo (Meaning of both indigenous and white descent), and since the Segregated Caucasian Utopia probably won;t allow mestizos to contaminate their holy land, does that mean that they’ll stay in America?

Does this mean that, by their logic, their slogan should be: America…For the Mexicans?


Toronto! (Plus: How to recognize a Canadian!)

On the eight, I will be flying out to Toronto for a week in order to, among other things, visit family, see the zoo and watch the Jays. I will try to update my blog while on vacation, but I think it unlikely that I will be able to. If my blog goes un-updated for more than a week though, it means that I have either been murdered for drug money by Toronto’s crackhead mayor, or have watched Josh Johnson pitch and suffered a coronary as a result.

Fret not faithful viewers! Before I venture off into a pleasant getaway/impending doom, I will leave you with a healthy tip on how to recognize a Canadian!

How an American/Brit will pronounce “Toronto”:


How an American/Brit trying to sound Canadian will pronounce “Toronto”:


How a Canadian will pronounce “Toronto”


“Aha” You may think to yourself, “Those last two sound exactly the same! You’re a fraud, random blogger I found on the internet while searching for pictures of Emma Watson in revealing clothing!”

Well, if you weren’t thinking about it before…

But you see, there is a difference. When a non-Canadian says “Toronto”, nothing happens afterwords.

When a Canadian says it, however, “O Canada” starts blaring triumphantly in the background as water turn into maple syrup while Mounties arrive to serve ice-cold Molson’s as ice-skating beavers play an impromptu hockey game.

“O Canada! (Fuck Yeah!)”

See ya next week (At the latest)!