My Triumphant Return/Tomorrow’s Douchebag of the Day!!!

I spent the last few days writing intros for my first article back from the beautiful city of Toronto, but I’m no good at that, so I will instead copy the exact words of a great American philosopher:

“Guess who’s back (Back, back) back again (-Gain, gain) Shady’s Kenny’s back (Back, back)  Tell a friend (Friend, friend).” 

Suck on that, Plato.

“Say what, bitch?”

Anyways, I had a great time in Toronto, I’ll have to tell you all about it someday, but today, I have a new Douchebag of the Day to skewer tomorrow, when I get past jet lag.

I considered doing the Egyptian government for their massacre of civilians, but that would just open up a whole shitload of political jargon from me that nobody wants to read. I would also bring up that dumbass Russian athlete that voiced her support for Russia’s retarded anti-gay laws, but a) I can’t remember her name and b) That happened yesterday anyways.

Thankfully, a piece of information from the wide, largely unimportant, world of sports landed neatly in my lap. So tomorrow’s douchebag of the day is:

BUD SELIG

Stay tuned everybody!

Toronto! (Plus: How to recognize a Canadian!)

On the eight, I will be flying out to Toronto for a week in order to, among other things, visit family, see the zoo and watch the Jays. I will try to update my blog while on vacation, but I think it unlikely that I will be able to. If my blog goes un-updated for more than a week though, it means that I have either been murdered for drug money by Toronto’s crackhead mayor, or have watched Josh Johnson pitch and suffered a coronary as a result.

Fret not faithful viewers! Before I venture off into a pleasant getaway/impending doom, I will leave you with a healthy tip on how to recognize a Canadian!

How an American/Brit will pronounce “Toronto”:

To-Ron-to

How an American/Brit trying to sound Canadian will pronounce “Toronto”:

To-Ronno

How a Canadian will pronounce “Toronto”

To-Ronno

“Aha” You may think to yourself, “Those last two sound exactly the same! You’re a fraud, random blogger I found on the internet while searching for pictures of Emma Watson in revealing clothing!”

Well, if you weren’t thinking about it before…

But you see, there is a difference. When a non-Canadian says “Toronto”, nothing happens afterwords.

When a Canadian says it, however, “O Canada” starts blaring triumphantly in the background as water turn into maple syrup while Mounties arrive to serve ice-cold Molson’s as ice-skating beavers play an impromptu hockey game.

“O Canada! (Fuck Yeah!)”

See ya next week (At the latest)!