A message of congratulations to the Toronto Blue Jays

Wow, you almost can’t tell that Sergio Santos just turned in the worst relief appearance in Blue Jays history. Almost.

Dear Toronto Blue Jays front office, management and players:

You played a fantastic pair of games yesterday. You have nothing to be ashamed about. Honest! Most teams would tremble at the thought of facing the mighty Minnesota Twins. Never mind that Joe Mauer schmuck. Most anybody would be damn near terrified to face the wrath of such perennial all-stars such as Chris Herrmann and Kurt Suzuki. No wonder you all  pitched around Josmil Pinto the way that you guy did. I would have too. Sure, he’s barely hitting .200, but it’s still early and a superstar like him is bound to break out at any time.

Seen Here: Josmil “The Destroyer of Worlds” Pinto.

It’s a wonder that you made it to the seventh inning with a lead, frankly. Even with the marvelous four innings that Dustin McGowan threw, giving up only three runs, six hits and four walks, you still held on to a pitiful 5-3 lead. Don’t get me wrong though, you should all count yourselves very lucky to hold a lead against a team that smart money has picked to finish second-last only to the Astros in the American League.

John Gibbons doesn’t need to blame himself for this. It’s not his fault that his brilliant strategy of “taking good, solid pitchers like Neil Wagner and Brett Cecil out of the game way before they’re out of gas” didn’t work out. All revolutionary actions are bound to hit a rough spot at some point,mainly due to the fact that they’re highly illogical,  but they’re also eventually recognized for the sheer brilliance that they are, no matter how much of a toll they take on your bullpen.

Or, in some cases, your life expectancy.

And could you really blame Sergio Santos for his implosion of Ricky Romero-like proportions? I’m not even gonna joke about this anymore, because there is no positive way to spin this. Three wild pitches in an inning? Are you fucking serious? I’ve seen Little Leaguers pitch better innings than that.

I’m sorry that this post is so irrelevant to my usual topics and filled with pretty mean-spirited sarcasm, but I really needed to vent about this and it was either using this creative outlet or screaming wordless cries of pain.

Final MLB Predictions

Surprise, surprise, the Blue Jays probably aren’t gonna be huge factors in the AL East this year. Bring back  Cito Gaston already!

Well, with the season starting today in a couple hours, I guess the ship has sailed on my division-by-division predictions of the upcoming Major League Baseball season. I guess the honourable thing to do would be to bang out four more 1000+ word previews, but that would also be the insane thing to do, so here’s a quick PKTM preview of the 2014 season. The Al East will be thew only division with a summary, because, well, this was the only division I had stuff written out for. I need to work on this whole “meeting deadlines” thing.

AL East 

1. Tampa Bay Rays
2. Boston Red Sox (Wild Card)
3. Baltimore Orioles
4. New York Yankees
5. Toronto Blue Jays

Sure, the Rays may not score the most runs (Or draw the biggest crowds), but their pitching staff is deep enough to the point where it doesn’t matter if Matt Moore or Chris Archer regress, or if Jake Odorizzi doesn’t cut it in the major leagues, because they’re bound to have somebody just as good waiting in the wings. Also, you can’t go wrong with Evan Longoria. Fuck Josh Lueke though.

The Red Sox are a great team as well though, and could repeat as World Series champions, let alone division winners. However, while they may be the harder-hitting team, the Red Sox pitching staff is a lot thinner than Tampa’s, and, while he probably should have won AL Manager of the year in 2013, John Farrell is still an inferior manager to Joe Madden.

The Orioles are far from has-beens, but they’re a bit iffier, what with Nelson Cruz coming off of steroids and Ubaldo Jimenez being Ubaldo Jimenez. The rotation is solid and deep, though, and they still have stars like Adam Jones and Chris Davis, who should hold them off while Manny Machado recovers from his injury.

As for the Bronx Bombers, they will probably miss the playoffs. There are far too many question marks on this team for me to justify predicting even an 85-win season. Can they really count on not only Derek Jeter, but also Mark Teixeira, Brett Gardner, Brian Roberts, Carlos Beltran, Jacoby Ellsbury and Michael Pineda to stay healthy? And on C.C. Sabathia, Hiroki Kuroda and Alfonso Soriano to not regress with age? And who knows about Masahiro Tanaka.

And as for my Blue Jays, they may be filled to the brim with talent, but with that rotation? Come on. Maybe in a lesser division, but not in the same division as the Red Sox, Rays and O’s.

AL Central

1. Detroit Tigers
2. Kansas City Royals
3. Cleveland Indians
4. Chicago White Sox
5. Minnesota Twins

AL West

1. Texas Rangers
2. Oakland Athletics (Wild Card)
3. Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
4. Seattle Mariners
5. Houston Astros

NL East

1. Washington Nationals
2. Atlanta Braves
3. Miami Marlins
4. Philadelphia Phillies
5. New York Mets

NL Central

1. St. Louis Cardinals
2. Pittsburgh Pirates (Wild Card)
3. Cincinnati Reds
4. Milwaukee Brewers
5. Chicago Cubs

NL West

1. Los Angeles Dodgers
2. San Francisco Giants (Wild Card)
3. Arizona Diamondbacks
4. San Diego Padres
5. Colorado Rockies

 

AL MVP: Mike Trout, Angels

NL MVP: Yasiel Puig, Dodgers

AL Cy Young: Felix Hernandez, Mariners

NL Cy Young: Clayton Kershaw, Dodgers

AL Rookie of the year: Taijuan Walker, Mariners

NL Rookie of the Year: Billy Hamilton, Reds

 

ALCS: Detroit Tigers over Tampa Bay Rays

NLCS: Los Angeles Dodgers over St. Louis Cardinals

World Series: Los Angeles Dodgers over Detroit Tigers

 

Now, if ya’ll will excuse me, I’m gonna get back to binge-watching the 90’s X-Men cartoon series.

While also mentally willing Jubilee to shut her goddamn mouth.

 

Toronto! (Plus: How to recognize a Canadian!)

On the eight, I will be flying out to Toronto for a week in order to, among other things, visit family, see the zoo and watch the Jays. I will try to update my blog while on vacation, but I think it unlikely that I will be able to. If my blog goes un-updated for more than a week though, it means that I have either been murdered for drug money by Toronto’s crackhead mayor, or have watched Josh Johnson pitch and suffered a coronary as a result.

Fret not faithful viewers! Before I venture off into a pleasant getaway/impending doom, I will leave you with a healthy tip on how to recognize a Canadian!

How an American/Brit will pronounce “Toronto”:

To-Ron-to

How an American/Brit trying to sound Canadian will pronounce “Toronto”:

To-Ronno

How a Canadian will pronounce “Toronto”

To-Ronno

“Aha” You may think to yourself, “Those last two sound exactly the same! You’re a fraud, random blogger I found on the internet while searching for pictures of Emma Watson in revealing clothing!”

Well, if you weren’t thinking about it before…

But you see, there is a difference. When a non-Canadian says “Toronto”, nothing happens afterwords.

When a Canadian says it, however, “O Canada” starts blaring triumphantly in the background as water turn into maple syrup while Mounties arrive to serve ice-cold Molson’s as ice-skating beavers play an impromptu hockey game.

“O Canada! (Fuck Yeah!)”

See ya next week (At the latest)!

All-Star Rosters Revealed! (Part 1)

Well, after two months of debating, complaining and typing death threats in caps lock, MLB.com has finally released the rosters for the 2013 All-Star Game in Citi Field, New York. This promises to be both an interesting game and a way for Mets fans to take a break from being Mets fans (God help them.) and play host to the Midsummer Classic, that grand celebration of baseball, fandom and idiotic popularity contests.

Proof that you can finish in the top 5 in the voting standings by playing a single game in AAA. Why do we not want Yasiel Puig playing, again?

I kid the ASG. I do love watching the game, and it’s really nice to see the (Usually) top players in the game on the same field at the same time. You know, at least until they are caught using steroids and publicly disgraced, but until then, it’s usually a fun ride.

Yeah, there’s no way signing this guy to an inappropriate amount of money would blow up in our faces.

So, initial reaction upon seeing the results? Well, mainly that I’m actually okay with them. Yes, I do have some quibbles, like the exclusion of a certain Mr. Santana…

Well, he HAS played as much big league games as Derek Jeter this season…

and a certain Mr. Lind, I’m pretty satisfied with the teams the two sides are sending to Queens. Here is my review of the AL roster.

Starters
C: Joe Mauer, Twins
1B: Chris Davis, Orioles
2B: Robinson Cano, Yankees
SS: J.J. Hardy, Orioles
3B: Miguel Cabrera, Tigers
OF: Mike Trout, Angels
OF: Adam Jones, Orioles
OF: Jose Bautista, Blue Jays
DH: David Ortiz, Red Sox

I would’ve changed:

2B: Dustin Pedroia, Red Sox

SS: Jhonny Peralta, Tigers

Not to draw the ire of Yankees fans, because I’m sure you’re all beautiful people…

Most of you, I mean.

… but I voted for Dustin Pedroia. It wasn’t an easy decision by any stretch of the imagination, but I can’t really argue with a .325 batting average.  Besides, this Yankees-Red Sox rivalry is irrelevant and retarded. Can’t we all just kiss and make up?

Was that so hard?

I approve of all the other choices with the exception of J.J. Hardy at shortstop. Sure, he’s having a solid season, but a) Jhonny Peralta is having the better season and b) watching someone with an On-Base Percentage under .300 (Hardy’s is .290) is not that fun. Take it from somebody who’s been watching J.P. Arencibia for three years.

Pitchers
RHP: Clay Buchholz , Red Sox
LHP: Brett Cecil, Blue Jays
RHP: Bartolo Colon , A’s
RHP: Jesse Crain , White Sox
RHP: Yu Darvish, Rangers
RHP: Felix Hernandez, Mariners
RHP: Hisashi Iwakuma, Mariners
RHP: Justin Masterson, Indians
RHP: Joe Nathan, Rangers
LHP: Glen Perkins , Twins
RHP: Mariano Rivera, Yankees
LHP: Chris Sale, White Sox
RHP: Max Scherzer, Tigers
RHP: Justin Verlander, Tigers

Note: Bucholz and Crain are both injured and will miss the Game. Perkins and Colon are their replacements.

I would’ve changed:

There is no way in hell I’m gonna comb through every single fucking team comparing pitchers.

I don’t have too much to say in this category, but I’m gonna talk about Brett Cecil a bit.

For those of you who don’t follow the Blue Jays (I know, few and far between, right?) Brett Cecil was a fairly highly touted lefty starting pitcher prospect in our organisation, earning quite a bit of praise at the minor league level. He was called up in 2009 and proceeded to suck at the big league level, posting a 4.79 ERA between 2009 and 2012 with a couple trips back to AAA. That coupled with his incendiary attitude (Think Brett Lawrie but left-handed, wearing goggles and generally less of a douche. (Just kidding. Love you B.L.)) drew the ire of Jays fans, and he only made the roster this year because we needed a lefty and he was out of options.

He was moved to the bullpen and, possibly thanks to the smaller workloads and less pressure, is now, quite possibly, the best reliever in the AL. This brings us to my final remark of the section…

Why the FUCK aren’t the Giants doing this with Tim Lincecum?

Reserves
C: Jason Castro, Astros
C: Salvador Perez, Royals
1B: Prince Fielder, Tigers
2B: Jason Kipnis, Indians
2B: Dustin Pedroia, Red Sox
2B: Ben Zobrist, Rays
SS: Jhonny Peralta: Tigers
3B: Manny Machado, Orioles
OF: Nelson Cruz, Rangers
OF: Alex Gordon, Royals
OF: Torii Hunter, Tigers
DH: Edwin Encarnacion, Blue Jays

I would have changed:

C: Carlos Santana, Indians

1B: Adam Lind, Blue Jays

2B: Howie Kendrick, Angels

This is where I have the most objections. If it wasn’t for the rule of having one representative from each team, the three players I mentioned would have those roster spots down. I would even argue that Adam Lind deserves the spot instead of Prince Fielder, but nobody likes the guy who beats up on a teams “designated teddy bear”, so I won’t bother.

I don’t care how bad Munenori Kawasaki’s hitting is…If you diss him, I will fucking cut you.

(NL Roster coming soon…Veeeery sooon…)