Catching up

So it’s been, what, like two months? Yeah, that seems about right. Leave it to me to take a two month coffee break when I’m getting the most views of PKtM‘s lifetime, and to come back when I’m getting my lowest amount of views in years. Fuck me, right?

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Half-Assed End-Of-the-Year Round-up (Plus 2016 Housekeeping!)

Oh, Murder-Horse, how I’ve missed you!

Happy Belated New Year, you filthy animals!!!

I’m sorry for the continuing lack of activity over the holidays, but to be fair, it’s hard to do a lot of writing when you’re busy ringing in the new year with gusto.

Of course, when I say “ringing in the new year” I obviously mean “getting drunk on bathtub moonshine, loudly proclaiming my love for Brie Larson in the middle of Churchill Square in the afternoon and making the street urchins I have chained up in my basement dance to the Pokemon theme song for my amusement”.

“No, it’s step one-one-two on the second chorus! Dammit Timmy, don’t make me release the rats again!”

Yes, my parents are proud of me. Why do you ask?

Anyway, with 2015 now being spoken of in the past tense, I figured now was the ideal time to both do some minor housekeeping  and do some extremely quick reviews for any 2015 movies that I haven’t had the chance to comment on yet.

First, some aforementioned housekeeping stuff:

  • For the most part, business as usual will continue. I will write mostly movie reviews, and (hopefully more often) other things. Occasionally, I may attempt a joke. It will end badly.
  • It’s getting into Oscar season and, as usual, I need to get on reviewing some of THOSE movies. If I get around to it, i may look at the Razzie movies too (shudder).
  • My Top 20 Best Movies of 2015 list isn’t coming out until after I’ve seen the movies that I need to see for Oscar season. Otherwise, that’d be pretty stupid of me, wouldn’t it?
  • DeathMatch is dead. I’m sorry for anybody who really liked that (I’m sure there was maybe one of you), but I kind of don’t want to do it anymore, and the response I got (or lack thereof) in the last post just doesn’t justify me keeping it going. I enjoy doing Who the Fuck!?!? much more, anyways.
  • As usual, comments are welcome and appreciated. Just know that my tolerance for spam, racism, sexism, homophobia and general dickheadishness is low. This comment section is not a democracy. It is a totalitarian regime, and I am Supreme Leader. will only earn you a cruel response from me viciously attacking everything about you, followed by prompt deletion of your comment.  Don’t like it? Start your own shitty blog.

           Mind you, I’ve only ever needed to delete one comment, so I’m not                  too worried about needing to exercise the BanHammer. This counts              as a Fair Warning, though.

Now that that shit’s out of the way, it’s time for some extremely quick, extremely poorly done reviews!

(Note: On the off-chance that any of these movies are nominated for Best Picture, I’ll be sure to do a full review)

The Gunman

Plot: Sean Penn spends two hours showing us his abs.

Thoughts: The solid action from director Pierre Morel and star Sean Penn doesn’t excuse the uninteresting plot, boring pace, and waste of both Javier Bardem and Idris Elba.

Rating: 3.5/10

The Man from U.N.C.L.E.

Plot: An American spy (Henry Cavill), a Russian spy (Armie Hammer) and a German civilian (Alicia Vikander) must team up to stop Italian fascists from ending the world, or some shit.

Thoughts: It figures that an American would be played by an Englishman, a Russian would be played by an American, and a German would be played by a Swede, doesn’t it?

Anyways, The Man from U.N.C.L.E. is a solid throwback to the spy movies of yore. Does that make it anything special? Hell to-the-no, but it’s definitely not bad.

Rating: 6.5/10

What We Do In the Shadows

Plot: Some folks from Flight of the Conchords made a movie about vampires living in modern-day Wellington, NZ. It’s just as fucking awesome as it sounds.

Thoughts: Why are you still reading this shitty blog after reading this premise? Watch the fucking movie!

Rating: 8.5/10

Me and Earl and the Dying Girl

Plot: Greg (Thomas Mann) is forced by his parents to befriend Rachel (Olivia Cooke), who, you may have guessed, has terminal cancer. Hilarity ensues.

Thoughts: If you’ve ever read a John Green book, you probably know some of the more basic beats of this movie, but that doesn’t make it any less impressive in its execution and emotional impact. Also, RJ Cyler is fucking hilarious.

Rating: 9/10

Turbo Kid 

Plot: In the dystopian hellhole of a future that is 1997, a teenage boy (Munro Chambers) and a free-spirited girl (Laurence Leboeuf) must team up against a tyrannical warlord (Michael Ironside).

Thoughts: It’s extremely violent, fully aware of how silly it is and overindulges in the fact that it’s an 80’s movie released in 2015. And god bless it for that.

Rating: 9/10

Dope

Plot: Malcolm Adekanbi (Shameik Moore) is a geeky, hardworking high school senior from the not-so-friendly town of Inglewood, California who, through no real fault of his own, gets mixed up in some less-than-savoury activities. Hilarity ensues.

Thoughts: Watch Dope. Why? Cuz it’s DOPE.

What’s that? I can’t hear you over how DEAD-ON that shit was!!!

Beasts of No Nation

Plot: A West African boy is separated from his family during a civil war and joins up with a rebel group as a child soldier. Hilarity ensues.

Thoughts: It’s harrowing and dramatic, but also incredibly acted by Idris Elba and newcomer Abraham Attah, as well as beautifully shot by Cary Joji Fukunaga (Who doubled as cinematographer and director). Sure, it’s violent and heartbreaking, but that doesn’t make it any less of a must-see.

Rating: 9.5/10

 

 

I’m Still Alive

 It has been fourteen goddamn days since my last post. And that was just a Quote of the Day. You have to October 14th since my last post that I had to put actual thought into.

There are a few reasons for my negligence. Let’s list them all! Lists are fun!

  1. The Toronto Blue Jays made the playoffs for the first time in my lifetime. As my Twitter feed will attest, watching that on TV has taken up a good chunk of my time. They just got eliminated, so that’s that, I guess (I hope the KC Royals have their fucking knees broken).
  2. At the beginning of October, school turned the intensity from “6” to “Fuck you, shithead, kiss your free time goodbye”.
  3. When I did try to write, it didn’t come out great. I tried writing a Round-Up at the end of September. It came out badly, so I scrapped it. I spent eons workshopping a new DeathMatch and flip-flopping on my decisions. I also tried writing a review of Beasts of No Nation, but again, it didn’t come out great. That’ll be on a Round-up, I expect.
  4. I’m just plain lazy. The other stuff didn’t help, though.

Now that the worst seems to be over, I’m working on some new stuff that should put me back on top of things once again. These include:

  1. The first actual Jessica Jones trailer dropped, so my “Who the F*** is That?!?!” series will soon come out of its two-month long hiatus. As more trailers for Captain America: Civil War, Batman v Superman and Daredevil season 2 come out, there’ll be more of that too.
  2. A new comic-centric DeathMatch should be kicking off sooner rather than later, so look out for that.
  3. Now that Oscar season is just around the corner, I’m gonna start looking for more of “those” types of movies, to put it glibly. Hopefully, my wallet holds up, but we’ll see.
  4. I’ll have one giant Round-up for September and October, because I’m a lunatic.
  5. I have a few more awards I was nominated for, but they’re not really my priority right now. Thanks a lot to Bookidote for the nominations, though!
  6. A fiction thing that I’m working on that I think has the potential to turn out really excellent.

That’s all for today. I’m not promising anything, but there should be new content out by Monday. Should be.

G’night, all.

The Liebster Award

Hey, Columbia University! I’m still waiting on my Pulitzer, you hacks!

The last few days have mostly been spent getting acclimated to university, with no time to do any real creative work. Thankfully, I was nominated for another award by the Bookidote, making them single-handedly responsible for the swelling of my ego that will inevitably lead to my desire for conquest and intolerance for any form of disagreement or dissent.

For nominating me for a cute blogging award…. They shall all know DOOM!!!

Unlike the Sunshine Blogger Award, though, the Liebster Award is intended for blogs with less than 500 followers. Each nominee needs to nominate other bloggers for the award and create eleven questions for their nominees to answer, whilst answering eleven questions posed by whoever asked

Here are my nominees. They are all awesome, and you should check them out:

And now, here are my questions (Yes, they ,might be kinda  lame, but keep in mind that taking an interest in other people is one of the hardest things for me to do):

  1. Who’s better, the Beatles or the Rolling Stones?
  2. What was/is your favourite class in school?
  3. What was/is your least favourite class in school (I’m nailing this shit).
  4. What’s your biggest phobia?
  5. Kim Davis sucks, amirite?
  6. What’s your favourite TV show theme song?
  7. What did you love when you were a kid that hasn’t aged well at all?
  8. What is a country that you haven’t been to that you’ve always wanted to visit?
  9. What historical figure would you fight if you had the chance?
  10. What’s one thing everybody hates that you like?
  11. What animal would you most want as a pet? Don’t’ screw me over with an actual pet, say something interesting.

Thank god that’s over. Having to think of interesting questions to ask instead of answering questions about me absolutely drains me. Now, on to Bookidote’s questions!

Who’s your favourite actor? 

Leonardo DiCaprio is my favourite actor, and it’s not even particularly close. My favorite performance of his is in Django Unchained. The fact that the Academy will even consider nominating Boyhood for Best Picture and will balk at the chance to nominate him for Best Supporting Actor in Django is a goddamned travesty.

He said, unrepentantly while watching a documentary on the humanitarian crisis in Syrian Refugee camps.

If time froze for 15 minutes and you could move around, what would you do?

Probably cry. And then arrange anybody in my immediate vicinity into funny and/or anatomically impossible positions.

If you could fight with anyone (even deceased people), who would you fight?

Christopher Columbus. Oh, the things I’d do to try to put that genocidal little shit in the ground.

Look at this smarmy motherfucker. I’ll total him Ronda Rousey style!

Would you rather kill an innocent person or have a killer as a son?

… Goddamit, I was hoping not to have to think too deeply for this post.

Uh… Shit I have no idea. Probably the second one, if only because the definition of “killer” could be debated…. Maybe?

What got you to start a blog?

I really got into movies and entertaining movie reviews when I was sixteen years old, but I didn’t want to do YouTube reviews like the people I was watching, because I didn’t (And still don’t, really) want to broadcast my actual face on the internet. I figured it would be easier on my limited technological skills to start a website (Well, not really, but I’m slowly starting to despise the word “blog”). It didn’t hurt that I was doing really well in English class at that point, so that filled me with unwarranted self-confidence too.

If you were to lose one of your five senses, which one would it be? Why?

I heard somewhere that the sense of taste is just an offshoot of the sense of smell, so if that is in fact the case, I would have to choose the sense of touch, which would be really unfortunate. If not, then sense of smell, for sure, and it’s not even that close.

Career-wise, where do you see yourself in five years?

Well, in five years exactly, I’ll be going on twenty-four, so I wouldn’t say I’m that ambitious, but I hope that, if I haven’t found a way to make money off of PKtM yet (Though that is the plan, at some point) I’ll be working, preferably in a field that puts the journalism degree that I will have earned by then to use, although I’d take working at the local library in a goddamned second.

If all books were to be burned, what one book would you memorize to immortalize it?

I would not do this. Instead, I would opt to tell whoever is coming to take my books to eat a bag of dicks.

… Although if I have to answer this, and I can’t count the Chaos Walking trilogy as one book, then I would probably say A Monster Calls by Patrick Ness.

And if you haven’t read A Monster Calls yet… What the hell’s your excuse?

If you could be in the middle of a movie, what movie would it be?

Assuming I get to be a wizard at Hogwarts, one of the early Harry Potter movies, i.e. one of the episodes where it’s just Harry who gets put in perilous situations and not the entire student body, like in the last four movies.

“Look Potter, I know you need help with the basilisk situation, but I don’t see how a giant, murderous snake living in a secret chamber of the basement of my school affects me in any way, so…. Good luck with that.”

What’s your definition of success?

It’s directly proportionate to how much of an altered state you’re in at the moment.

Seen here: The most successful man on the planet.

Just kidding. The question of someone being successful can be answered using the following questionnaire that I’ve made up just now.

Question 1: Are you happy with your life right now? If no, then you are not successful. 

Question 2: Are you, though? If no, then you are not successful. 

Question 3: Have you gained happiness through the exploitation and mistreatment of others? If no, you are successful. If yes, you are merely an asshole. 

What would you add to your everyday life to make yourself a better person?

Probably a sense of humility and the slightest modicum of empathy for human life. If you give me a choice between those things and a ticket to the Star Wars: The Force Awakens premiere though…. It’s not a tough decision for me to make.

Sunshine Blogger Award

sunshine-blogger

“The Sunshine Blogger Award: Face-meltingly adorable!” -Suggested tagline.

Since I can’t be arsed to go to that goddamned ridiculous-looking Hitman: Agent 47 or the newest addition to the creative wasteland that is the horror genre (Sinister 2: The Obnoxious Jumpscares Strike Back), I found myself lost for new content to post this week and weekend that isn’t just a continuation of my Who the Fuck…???  series. If you’re familiar with my style, that’s not good news, as it means that the time that i spend trying to do something creative will inevitably devolve into me falling down into a rabbit hole at tvtropes.com.

Although I now know more about the Three Faces of Eve than any human being should.

Thankfully, my ass was saved by the good people at Bookidote nominated me for the Sunshine Blogger Award, which, to paraphrase, is an award that one is supposed to pass on to those who: put a little sunshine in your day, who are positive, creative, and inspiring. Considering that I suggested in my Fantastic Four review that anybody who had a problem with Johnny Storm being black submit themselves to euthanasia, I don’t know if  those three adjectives are the best descriptors, but nonetheless, I’m still extremely appreciative. I highly suggest you check out Bookidote the next chance you get, because I gotta say, it’s a pretty chill site.

Anyhoo, I’m supposed to answer eleven questions, then nominate a few more people and ask a new set of eleven questions. Since talking about myself is by far my favourite thing in the world to do, I’ll save that for last and get my nominations out of the way first.

  • The fine folks down at Assholes Watching Movies.
  • Sarah Johansson, the mad genius at Problems With Infinity.
  • Filmmunch, a great site that I don’t read nearly as much as I should.
  • Polar Bears Watch TV, who is probably not an actual polar bear, but I enjoy the mental image of a computer-savvy polar bear, so I will keep picturing that in my head.
  • I can’t nominate Bookidote, cuz they nominated me, but you really should check them out.

My questions are:

  1. What movie would you erase from existence if you could?
  2. Who’s the most famous person you’ve ever met?
  3. Who’s the most punchable fictional character ever?
  4. What’s the last thing you ate?
  5. Favourite book-to-film adaptation?
  6. Which movie genre would you erase from existence if you could?
  7. What’s your favourite film score?
  8. Uhh…. What’s your least favourite book-to-film adaptation?
  9. Will there ever be a video game movie that doesn’t make the audience wanna shove shards of glass into their eyes?
  10. What’s the last book you’ve read cover-to-cover, and when did you read it?
  11. If you could speak to Donald Trump right this instant, what would you say to him?

Wooo! I got all that “thinking” shit out of the way. Now to blab nonstop about myself!

It’s truly a wonder I’m single.

What book you wish you can just go back and never read it ?

 The Girl with the Pearl Earring. I hate that book. Hate it, hate it, hate it. I had to do a report on it in tenth grade, and my teacher (Who, incidentally, is a fan of the book) liked my intelligent, thought-out (Ha!) analysis so much that I got a one-hundred percent. That’s right, my writing ability peaked at age sixteen.

…Ladies…

Are you where you wanted to be at this stage in your life?

 That’s… Surprisingly heavy. Okay then.

I’d say I’m pretty happy with my life right now. I’m eighteen, I don’t pay rent, I’m going to a good university in the fall, and I have a part-time job where I can choose the hours and can make $150+ in a week that’s doesn’t involve dealing pot. I’d say that makes up for the self-destructive god complex and intense sociopathy.

If you can choose to live in fictional place, where would that be ? (from any book, comic or movie)

 I’m letting my millenial-ness show here, but I want to live at Hogwarts. Sure, the annual monster attacks would get tedious after a while, but I can cower behind large objects well enough, I think I’d be fine.

Admittedly, Emma Watson is the main draw.

Shit, if Ron had a chance….

Worst nickname that someone has given you? 

Uhhh….. Well, that’s tough, because answering this would involve revealing my real name, and I’m not going to do that. However, I was called a “SJW cocksucker” by some waste of oxygen who commented on my Fantastic Four review, so…. there’s that.

I’m not bringing much in the “sunshine” department, am I? Sorry about that. Here, you’ve made it this far, you guys deserve a treat. Look, puppies or whatever!

The one on the left looks strangely pissed, doesn’t he?

Any guilty pleasure ?

 Oh, dude, so much.

Off the top of my head, Van Wilder comes to mind. If it wasn’t for Ryan Reynolds, I would hate this movie, but, well, Ryan Reynolds is in it, and as I mentioned in my Blade: Trinity review a million years ago, he immediately elevates the shitty movies he’s in, which, unfortunately, is most of the movies he’s in.

Fun fact: The Deadpool plot is just Deadpool murdering Ryan Reynolds’ agent over and over for two and a half hours.

 I also really love RWBY. For those of you not in-tune with YouTube culture, RWBY (Pronounced “Ruby”) is an anime-inspired web series where four conveniently colour-coded teenage girls who attend Anime Hogwarts use their superpowers to defend humanity from Jessica Nigri. It’s very strange, and during the first season, the dialogue is… Um… I don’t want to be too mean, because the creator and writer, the great Monty Oum, actually died recently and that bums me out, but… It’s pretty crappy. And as awesome as the soundtrack is, the lyrics really shouldn’t read like they were translated from Japanese using Google Translate when they were originally written in English.

The action and animation is legitimately good (Usually) though, and the characters are likable enough. Everything actually picks up during the second season, and the people involved say that a third one’s coming, even after Monty Oum’s passing. I’m on board, I guess, but if you want to stay far away at all times… I get it.

Sure, these outfits are horribly impractical for fighting monsters, but look at it this way: They’re more appropriately dressed than Bryce Dallas Howard in Jurassic World!

Any secret talents?

 I’m perfectly mediocre at guitar, and I’m actually pretty damn good at baseball. I seriously think that I could’ve been drafted if I lived in the States and not in the baseball dead zone that is Edmonton, Alberta (Though when I was little, I was planning at one point to attend St. Francis Xavier Academy for the purpose of playing baseball. Knowing my current aversion to both over-competitive douchebags and religion, that probably would not have ended well). I probably wouldn’t have gone higher than maybe AA, but hey, that would still make me the third best baseball player to come out of Alberta after flash-in-the-pan Milwaukee Brewers closer Jim Henderson and AAAA journeyman pitcher Mike Johnson, who I actually met once at a baseball camp, where he was the outfield instructor… For some reason.

What kind of music are you listening to? 

My favourite band of all time, for nostalgic purposes is The Offspring (My favourite song of theirs is “You’re Gonna go Far Kid”), and I do love them a lot, but I think my less nostalgia-tinted favourite is probably Rise Against (“Prayer of the Refugee”). Other artists that I love (And my respective favourite song of theirs) are: Green Day (“Basket Case”), Blink-182 (“Dammit”), My Chemical Romance (“Welcome to the Black Parade), Eminem (“When I’m Gone”), Ninja Sex Party (“Dinosaur Laser Fight”), Against Me! (“White People For Peace”), Alkaline Trio (“Help Me”), Bad Religion (“American Jesus”), Ramones (“I Wanna Be Sedated”), Sex Pistols (“Anarchy in the U.K.”), Dead Kennedys (“Halloween”), Black Flag (“Nervous Breakdown”), the Wonder Years (“Cigarettes & Saints” is probably the song I’m listening to most these days), No Use for a Name (“For Fiona”), Lorde (“Team”), Billy Talent (“Cure for the Enemy”), Anti-Flag (“The Press Corpse”), the Beatles (“Helter Skelter”), the Clash (“White Riot”), Bob Dylan (“The Ballad of Hollis Brown”), Bruce Springsteen (“Born to Run”), the Circle Jerks (“Live Fast Die Young”), David Bowie (“Changes”), Descendents (“Suburban Home”), Face to Face (“Blind”), Foo Fighters (“Everlong”), the Gaslight Anthem (“Get Hurt”), Gerard Way (“How it’s Going to Be”), Jello Biafra (“Attack of the Peacekeepers”), Linkin Park (“Bleed it Out”), The Mr. T Experience (“Even Hitler Had a Girlfriend”), Nirvana (“Molly’s Lips”), NoFX (“Franco Un-American”), Rancid (“Ruby Soho”), Red Hot Chili Peppers (“Dani California”), Starbomb (“The Book of Nook”), Sum 41 (“No Reason”), Weezer (“No One Else”), and +44 (“No, it Isn’t”).

And that, dear readers, is how you pump up the word count through no effort whatsoever!

Favourite book of all time ? 

I can’t pick one out of the three, because I love them all equally, but my favourite trilogy of books is the Chaos Walking trilogy by Patrick Ness (The Knife of Never Letting Go,The Ask and the Answer and Monsters of Men). I don’t want to get into the plot, because that would mean instant spoilers, but I will say that everybody needs to read this book right now. Like, right now. Your menial bullshit can wait, this book NEEDS to be the best-selling book of all time.

Favourite quote ?

“Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s AIDS.”

-A Cards Against Humanity card I once played.

And now, for the quote that doesn’t out me as a horrible person!

“So that was Mrs. Lundegaard on the floor in there. And I guess that was your accomplice in the wood chipper. And those three people in Brainerd. And for what? For a little bit of money. There’s more to life than a little money, you know. Don’tcha know that? And here ya are, and it’s a beautiful day.”

Marge Gunderson, Fargo

Morning person or night owl?

If anybody wakes me up before I’m good and ready, they go in the hole with that girl in Silence of the Lambs.

Tell me about one of your hobbies.

Amiibos.

photo (3)

Motherfucking amiibos.

For those of you who lead productive lives, amiibos are figurines that Nintendo, the world’s most lovable soulless corporation, made as an accessory to the latest Super Smash Bros. game, which is essentially, a fighting game starring Nintendo’s all-stars.

As well as Sonic the Hedgehog, who hasn’t been relevant since 2006.

The figurines didn’t interest me all that much, as it just struck me as a Nintendo marketing gimmick. They are nice figures, though, so I decided to just buy the ones for my favourite characters, Yoshi, Samus Aran, Pikachu, Sheik, Link…. And Mario, because it’s Mario, Luigi, because I like Luigi better than Luigi…. And Donkey Kong…. And Kirby…..And Princess Zelda….And Princess Peach…. And Bowser…. And Sonic…. And Diddy Kong…. And the Disney Channel version of Link…. And Pac-Man…And Mega Man… And another version of Yoshi…. And Toad…. And Silver Mario…. And a Fox amiibo that’s still in its Japanese packaging… Anyways, $350+ dollars later, I think I’m over the addiction. It’s not like they’re coming out with a new wave of characters that I would kill infants fo-

So long Junior, daddy needs a Zero Suit Samus amiibo.

TV Reviews Are Back!!! (Attempt #2) / Mighty Marvel Month Update

My body’s the readiest.

I’m almost done typing my Blade review, and I plan on continuing with Mighty Marvel Movie Month even if it kills me, but I realized that there are actually a couple TV shows that I want to watch. Specifically, Daredevil and Game of Thrones.

I realize that this didn’t go so well for me the last time I tried this, but when you consider that I was trying to review Gotham, The Flash, Legend of Korra and the MLB playoffs at the same time, it’s no real wonder I failed. At least this time GoT is only once a week, and Daredevil is gonna be released on Netflix, so I can review the whole series at once if I so desire.

So, that’s happening.

In addition, Mighty Marvel Movie Month (Dear god, I’m tired of writing that) will keep going, but it’s probably going to bleed into May, because there’s no way I’m going to be able to work much faster than I already am, especially with school.

..Um… That’s all. bye.