(Pssst! A lot of the stuff I say in this article is on this Cracked article. Check it out after, it’s good.)
So,it has been reported that MLB will seek suspensions for Ryan Braun, Everth Cabrera, Jesus Montero, Bartolo Colon, Melky Cabrera, Jhonny Peralta and a bunch of minor leaguers no one gives a shit about, (Which we’ve known for, like, a month) because of their connection with Biogenesis, a clinic that distributed PED’s to the aforementioned players (Which we’ve known since January). Players like Braun, Colon and Cabrera may be suspended for 100 games because of already being connected to PED’s. This will not happen as it would involve MLB growing some balls (Which we’ve known all along).
And what would a steroid scandal be without everyone’s favourite whipping boy, Alex Rodriguez? A-Rod’s impending return from the DL (A day that New Yorkers are undoubtedly already ruing) has been overshadowed by his inclusion on the list. Baseball’s equivalent of Tom Green. Just when you think he can’t tumble any further, he fucks a dead moose.
I don’t think A-Rod has actually fucked a dead moose, but at this point, could it really hurt his reputation all that much?
The truth is that I kind of think that A-Rod has become a modern-day scapegoat for everything wrong with baseball. While he is by no stretch of the imagination a good human being, he is also not even close to being the worst human being to ever set foot on planet Earth, as I’m sure many a New Yorker has called him. And besides, shame on the Yankees for giving him such a retarded fucking contract. You don’t sign a 32-year old to a ten-year contract and expect him to keep playing well.
So, in light of this, I have compiled a list of nine baseball players who were worse people than Alex Rodriguez. Remember that this is by no means a list that is unopened to discussion. Hell, I wrote the damn article and I’m not entirely sure I got it right.
Honorable Mentions: Roger Clemens, Jose Canseco, Kevin Mitchell, Barry Bonds, Manny Ramirez, Cap Anson
9. Keith Hernandez
First Baseman
Teams: St. Louis Cardinals (1974-1983) New York Mets (1983-1989) Cleveland Indians (1990)
Carrer Highlights: 5x All-Star, 1979 NL MVP, 11x Gold Glover, 2x Silver Slugger, That Seinfeld episode where he almost banged Elaine.
The Douchebaggery:
Hernandez was one of the best players of the 80’s and 90’s, and not just for his bat, as he may be the best defensive first baseman of all time. Also, as a direct result of living in the 80’s, he snorted mountains of cocaine.
Seen Here: The Eighties.
The cocaine itself doesn’t land him on my shit-list. Hell it was the eighties, who wasn’t doing cocaine? No, his crime is influencing young talents named Dwight Gooden and Darryl Strawberry, whose careers were eventually derailed because of Hernandez telling them that snorting blow was an excellent way to break out of a slump.
Hell, it worked for Amy Winehouse, right?
While Gooden and Strawberry are still suffering from substance addiction, Hernandez accepted the position of broadcaster for SNY’s Mets games. During a Mets-Padres game, he spied Padres team massage therapist Kelly Calabrese in the dugout, hanging out with the Friars. Hernandez had this to say:
“I won’t say that women belong in the kitchen, but they don’t belong in the dugout.”
Seen here: A huge setback in Men’s Rights.
He later apologized, saying “I love you gals out there-always have.”
Upon reading or hearing that, the nation’s women retired to the bathroom for a nice three hour puke-a-thon.
8. Charles Comiskey
Owner
Team: Chicago White Sox (1901-1931)
Career Highlights: Two World Series titles, the time he was played by the terrible comic relief from The Man with the Golden Gun in Eight Men Out.
Charles Comiskey was a former baseball player and manager who decided to try his hand at being the owner of the Chicago White Sox. Now, one would think that being the owner of a professional sports team would entail giving the team a solid amount of money.
One would think that, but one would be wrong.
Comiskey was pretty much the cheapest owner to ever purchase a team. He did help build the White Sox’s 1906 and 1917 World Series teams, by signing stars such as Shoeless Joe Jackson and Eddie Cicotte, but once they were signed, they were treated like absolute shit. The players were given annual four figure salaries and were expected to pay for their laundry. He bought the team, built them a fucking stadium, and decided that he’d rather they look like shit than have quality uniforms. Pitcher Eddie Cicotte was promised a $10 000 bonus if he could win thirty games in a regular season (Because pitcher’s arms were damn near unbreakable in the years before Chris Young). He got to 29 games and was promptly benched until the playoffs. In another incident, he promised his team a bonus if they won the 1919 AL pennant. They did so, and were rewarded with a case of flat champagne. It’s not like the players could leave either. In the era before free agency, it was either play for a team until you were traded, or retire to work in a coal mine.
“Fuck pitching! Chimney sweeping is the life for me!”
Fed up, the players threw the 1919 World Series. Yes, this guy is responsible for what may be the biggest scandal in baseball history.
To his credit, Comiskey oversaw the building of Comiskey Park, whose name emphasizes Comiskey’s humble dedication to the game. It was demolished in 1991, while the Sox move to U.S. Cellular Field, a monument to the ubiquitous relationship between the White Sox and subpar cellphone service.
We don’t actually have U.S. Cellular in Canada, but what are the chances of there being a non subpar cellular company?
7. Tom Yawkey
Owner/President
Team: Boston Red Sox (1933-1976)
Career Highlight: Being inducted into the Hall of Fame for employing his team of sluggish white guys to achieve his goal of never winning a World Series.
The Boston Red Sox’s historic stadium, Fenway Park, resides on Yawkey Street, which is dedicated to former team owner Tom Yankey, in honour of his will to win (As long as black people weren’t involved), his convictions (Not moral ones, apparently) and his stubborn, unbridled racism.
While his Red Sox teams did enjoy some success, winning 3 pennants, one has to wonder how much better they would have been if they had integrated black people earlier. To Yakey’s credit, he did trot out black utility player Pumpsie Green…In 1959. That is TWELVE FUCKING YEARS after the colour barrier was broken by Jackie Robinson. Years later, God decided to punish the Sox by influencing them to sign Josh Beckett.
It’s the only possible explanation.
6. Kenesaw Mountain Landis
Judge Landis, seen here preparing to stone him some Negroes.
Commissioner of Baseball
Career Highlights: 1st Commissioner of Baseball, Grand Wizard of the KKK (Probably)
So, what ended up happening to the ballplayers from the White Sox who just wanted to earn a decent paycheck? Well, they had the misfortune of standing against the newly appointed commissioner of baseball federal judge Kenesaw Mountain Landis.
Real commissioners are notably less cool than Gary Oldman.
Named after the Civil War battle of Kennesaw Mountain (During which, ironically, his father fought for the Union), Landis made his name by being a notoriously anal judge. Some of his notable jobs included imposing heavy sentences on people who opposed the World War 1 draft, and getting black boxer Jack Johnson banned from boxing for the heinous crime of transferring a white woman over state lines.
He was no better as commissioner, sentencing the re-christened “Black Sox” to being banned from baseball, and delayed the breaking of baseball’s colour line until 1947, three years after his long-awaited death. He was such a zealot that he even ordered Dizzy Dean’s All-Star team, as well as other barnstorming big leaguers, to not play black people, for fear that society as we know it would collapse if a black man beat a white man at anything.
The horror… The horror…
Be sure to tune in later for part 2!
Please Kill the Messenger 