How my Movie Ratings work

I haven’t posted anything in a while, mainly because I’ve been extremely busy with both studying for my final exams and dealing with crippling writers’ block. In the meantime, here’s a quick explanation of the scale I use to review movies. Not exactly riveting, I suppose, but I find that forcing myself to write some mindless filer is a fine way to round myself back into mediocre form.

I’m sure (Insert popular celebrity’s name here) would agree.

Hey,  I said I had writer’s block, didn’t I?

Anyways, let’s start from the top, shall we?

10/10 (My Highest Possible Recommendation)

Notable examples: Pulp Fiction, The Empire Strikes Back, Citizen Kane, The Shawshank Redemption, The Godfather.

There is no such thing as a perfect movie, but these movies are the closest possible things to perfection. Not only should every moviegoer see these films, regardless of whether it’s their preferred genre or not, but they should also be shown in elementary school, so kids learn what can be the result when one strives for excellence.

Short answer: Headshots.

9/10, 9.5/10 (Classic)

Notable examples: The Dark Knight, Jurassic Park, Lion King, Terminator 2: Judgment Day, Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Sure, these movies may not be quite as good as those in the aforementioned category, as they may suffer from minor problems such as small plot holes, slip-ups in tone and dialogue, or children…

*Shudder*

…But these problems can be easily overlooked, and overall, these movies could still be considered some of the best in their genre.

8/10, 8.5/10 (Pretty Damn Great)

Notable Examples: Kick-Ass, Donnie Darko, Pacific Rim

While an 8/10 movie is still an A-list title and does much more good than bad, its flaws are much more pronounced than in the superior categories (It could be a combination of minor flaws or one big honking eyesore of a flaw), and it may only interest fans of the genre. Most people will enjoy it though, and any filmmaker would be proud to be involved in a movie like this.

7/10, 7.5/10 (Solid)

Does anybody even read these?

This rating is officially when some aspects of the movie start to negatively impact my enjoyment of it. It’s still a good movie, and most people would be entertained with it, but it still has a couple of major flaws that may drive other people away. However, it could also be a movie that aims low, but hits surprisingly high (A la RED).

6, 6.5/10 (Meh)

Goddamn. Talk about mismarketing.

Maybe this movie has something interesting to offer, but the finished product is just mediocre. It likely does have several positive elements, but they’re more or less cancelled out by elements that are mediocre or just plain bad. Fanboys might be fine with it, and the Academy has been known to give nominations to “Meh” movies, but the rest of us probably won’t be too wild about it.

5, 5.5/10 (Your Movie Sucks)

Somebody needs to explain to me why everyone thought this movie was so great. It infuriated me to no end.

These are some of the most forgettable movies around, as they are pretty much unspecial in every sense of the word. While a “meh” movie might have more positive than negatives (Albeit barely) maybe throwing around some good ideas, performances and whatnot, a sucky movie, while you can’t knock it for being terrible, makes it really hard for the audience to say anything good about it.

4, 4.5/10 (Deficient)

Notable Examples: The Lone Ranger, Spider-Man 3, most M.Night Shyamalan movies.

 There are very, very little good things going for these movies. Maybe there might be some minor positives in the way of  performances or action scenes, but it’s pretty fucking stupid overall. You can still watch it if you’re interested, but I wouldn’t recommend it, and you should all think really hard about your priorities in life before paying money to watch it.

3, 3.5/10 (Turd Sandwich)

Proof that even Roger Ebert could be wrong sometimes.

Maybe there’s a small group of masochists somewhere out there that may enjoy watching them, but they are few and far between, and I wouldn’t recommend hanging out with them for fear of getting any stupid on you.

Just kidding. Obviously, it’s a matter of opinion, and I’d rather see one of these movies than, say, Amanda Bynes within the limits of my high school, but it’s close.

0-2.5 (Pretty much the worst thing ever)

Notable examples: Most direct-to-DVD Disney sequels, Movie 43, Batman & Robin, The Phantom Menace, After Earth

If, at any point, you find yourself enjoying one of these movies, it’s time to start considering moving to a psych ward, because at this point, it stops becoming a matter of opinion and starts being a matter of mental health. Forget fighting off Amanda Bynes, I’d rather have nails driven into my kneecaps as that fucking Rebecca Black song plays in the background then watch this movie again.

Razzie Movie Review: Movie 43 and my Golden Raspberry Award Picks

And to think that before today, I had to really think about it before deciding what was the worst movie I’d ever seen.

 Movie 43

Directed by: Sadistic hacks who should have known better.

Produced by: Sadistic hacks who should have known better.

Written by: Sadistic hacks who should have known better.

Genres: Sketch “Comedy”,  Gross-Out “Comedy”

Starring: Oh, my God, you guys didn’t have to do this. For fuck’s sake, some of you guys have  Oscar nominations. Hell, Halle Berry HAS a goddamn Oscar!

Razzie Nominations: Worst Screen Combo (Entire Cast), Worst Screenplay, Worst Actress (Berry), Worst Actress (Watts), Worst Director (All 13 Directors) Worst Picture

Plot: The different sketches that comprise this movie are part of a plot that involves a group of teenagers’ internet search for the fabled “Movie 43”, which is supposedly the most outrageous movie ever made. I understand that there’s another version of this sketch that stars Common and Dennis Quaid, but I’m sure I’m not missing that much.

The Catch: Beth (Kate Winslet) is a single businesswoman going on a blind date with Davis (Hugh Jackman), who is supposedly the city’s most high-profile bachelor. Everything seems to be going well until Davis takes off his scarf to reveal the pair of testicles hanging from his chin! And get this: Beth is the only one who seems to notice the testicles!

Improbably, this isn’t even the stupidest sketch in the whole fucking movie. I really wish it had just ended here, but alas…

Homeschooled: A newly moved-in couple (Alex Cranmer and Julie Ann Emery) have coffee with their new neighbours, Robert (Liev Schreiber) and Samantha (Naomi Watts). Rob and Samantha describe in detail their program of homeschooling their son (Jeremy Allen White). Bullying, hazing, detentions, and possible incest ensue.

The Proposition: Julie and Doug (Real-life married couple Anna Faris and Chris Pratt, respectively) have been in a happy relationship for over a year. However, when Doug is about to propose to her, she reveals that she wants him to poop on her. With the help of his friend (J.B. Smoove), Doug sets out to shit on his girl in the most romantic way possible.

At this point in the movie, I was seriously considering suicide. There would be many more suicidal thoughts over the next hour or so.

Veronica: Grocery store cashier Nate (Macaulay Culkin’s younger brother, Kieran) meets his ex-girlfrien Veronica (Emma Stone) at his job. Disturbing conversations ensue.

iBabe: Richard Gere discusses how to market the iBabe, which is like an iPod, but it’s a full-grown naked woman, and which is mangling the dicks of the teenage boys who inevitably try to fuck it, with his workers (Kate Bosworth, Aasif Mandvi, Jack McBrayer). It’s kind of hard to argue with the whole “Teenage boys fucking things they shouldn’t be fucking” theme, but this is still one of the stupidest things I’ve ever seen.

Superhero Speed Dating: I’m just gonna skip this one. Any problems with that? Cool.

Middleschool Date: Nathan (Jimmy Bennett) and Amanda (Chloe Grace Moretz) are having a (Admittedly, pretty realistic) date at Nathan’s place when Amanda has her first period. I will never again watch Kick-Ass with the same sense of wonder.

Happy Birthday, Truth or Dare, Victory’s Glory: These are all garbage. Every single fucking one. Every fucking second of these pieces of shit.

Beezel: Whoever thought that this segment would be funny deserves to be dragged out into the street and shot. 

Acting: I usually like talking shit about movies, but this movie is just the most painful thing to dwell on. All the actors are atrocious, because most of them just don’t give a shit about this film.

Weirdly enough, the character I most identified was Chloe Grace Moretz’s character. Not because I’m a teenage girl having her first period, but because of her line “WILL YOU IDIOTS JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!”, which is a line that I wish was screamed at the people who pitched this goddamn movie.

In short, there is nothing even remotely good about this movie. So, this piece of shit has the distinction of being the first movie to which I award the following rating.

Overall Rating: 0/10

***

So, I’m pleased to say that, for the first time ever, I’ve managed to watch all the Oscar-(And Razzie-) nominated money before their rating. Problem is, I haven’t had time to post a review in between school, homework, my job bitching about the Blue Jays, and, you know, actually watching the goddamn movies. So, while I’ve watched all the movies, the reviews are still gonna run a little late. I’m sure this would piss me off, but I’m getting pretty sick of these reviews.

Now, don’t worry loyal readers, the reviews are still. coming, and I’m gonna put ’em out as quick as possible. It’s just that I’m also gonna go back to also writing about baseball, music, and whatever else is on my mind.

Anyways, here are my picks for the 2014 Golden Raspberry Awards, from my first pick to my third pick (Any category that has an asterisk next to it is a category in which I didn’t watch most of the movies because they weren’t “Worst Picture” nominees. However, if one of the movies I didn’t see wins an award, I’ll make a point to add it to my upcoming reviews).

Worst Screenplay: 

1.  Movie 43. I judge comedy scripts on how funny they are (Obviously). This movie…. Was not funny.
2. After Earth. “Danger is real…Fear is a choice….” That about says it all.
3. Grown Ups 2. It’s post-Funny People Adam Sandler, so that should tell you all you need to know.

Worst Director:

1. The 13 People who who directed Movie 13. Brett Ratner is one of them, which seems about right.
2. M. Night Shyamalan (After Earth). Holy shit, it really has been 15 years since The Sixth Sense, huh?
3. Dennis Dugan (Grown Ups 2). Dennis, just stop. Please…Just..Stop.

 Worst Prequel, Rip-Off or Sequel*:

1. Grown Ups 2: It’s not like the original one was good, but it’s a bad sign when getting rid of Rob Schneider isn’t addition via subtraction.
2. The Lone Ranger: I dunno if it really sullied the original’s proud reputation of racism, but it still sucked.

Worst Screen Combo: 

1. Jaden and Will Smith (After Earth): You’d think a father/son combo would have a little more chemistry, but you’d be wrong.
2. The entire cast of Movie 43. I feel sorry for them, but they were still awful.
3. The entire cast of Grown Ups 2. Honestly, Nick Swardson drags this cast through the mud even more.

Worst Supporting Actress*: 

1. Salma Hayek (Grown Ups 2): She’s the only nominee I’ve seen, but she was still atrocious.

Worst Supporting Actor:

1. Nick Swardson (Grown Ups 2 and A Haunted House): I hate, hate, hate Nick Swardson. He’s a lock for a Razzie in whatever he’s in.
2. Will Smith (After Earth): I expect more from the Fresh Prince.
3. Taylor Lautner (Grown Ups 2): Though, if I must be honest, his karate moves were pretty badass.

Worst Actress*: 

1.  Naomi Watts (Movie 43 and Diana): Honestly, though, they could have picked any actress in that movie.
2. Tyler Perry (A Madea Christmas): What did I just see? What the FUCK did I just see?!?!

Worst Actor*:

1. Jaden Smith (After Earth): Holy shit Jaden, just stick to your terrible rap songs, okay?
2. Adam Sandler (Grown Ups 2) He wasn’t the worst actor in this movie, but still…

Worst Picture:

1. Movie 43
2. After Earth
3. Grown Ups 2

Razzie Movie Review: After Earth

Disclaimer: Those who get offended by foul language may want to sit this review out.

After Earth

Directed By: M. Night Shyamalan

Produced by: Caleeb Pinkett, Jada Pinkett Smith, Will Smith, James Lassiter

Written by: Gary Whitta, M. Night Shyamalan (Story by Will Smith)

Genres: Science-Fiction, Action, Adventure

Starring: Jaden Smith, Will Smith

Other Actors: Sophie Okonedo, Zoe Kravitz

Razzie Nominations: Worst Picture, Worst Actor (Jaden Smith) Worst Supporting Actor (Will Smith) Worst Screen Combo (Jaden Smith and Will Smith) Worst Director (M. Night Shyamalan) Worst Screenplay (Gary Whitta, M. Night Shyamalan (Story by Will Smith))

Plot: It is the future, and, as you may have guessed from the title of the movie, human beings no longer live on planet Earth, having caused environmental cataclysms that rendered the planet uninhabitable for people. Attacked by aliens in their new home, Nova Prime, the humans are overwhelmed by the “Ursas”. Huge, blind monsters that find humans by smelling their fear. This is, improbably, the least stupid thing about this movie. Seriously? Couldn’t they just have nuked the motherfuckers into oblivion? I’m no science guy, but I’m pretty sure that nuclear missiles fear nobody.

Well, ALMOST nobody…

The human race is slaughtered like cattle until General Cypher Raige (Will Smith) develops the “ghosting” technique, which involves suppressing fear so that Ursas are blinded and easy to dispatch. Under the Fresh Prince’s leadership, the United Ranger Corps defeat the aliens and, years later, Cypher’s son Kitai (Jaden Smith) is training to become a Ranger himself.

When he fails to graduate from Ranger High, due to his highly emotional behavior, Cypher decides to bring his son with him on his last tour of duty before retirement, because a war zone is obviously the best place for a highly emotional teenager to be. This stupidity is compounded upon when we discover that there’s a live Ursa being taken to their destination for some reason that I was too uninterested and bored to look for. Which begs the question: In what fucked-up parallel universe is it a good idea to bring your idiotic, irrational teenage son to a dangerous planet, accompanied by a creature who’s sole purpose is to kill humans who display any emotion?

Anyways, long story short, the ship approaches an asteroid field, and the brilliant general decides to go straight through it instead of turning back. The ship crashes on the now-abandoned planet Earth, everybody except the Raiges are killed, the Ursa escapes, Cypher is crippled, and Kitai has to get to a mountain to shoot a distress flare. Seriously. My six year old cousin could write a better plot outline than this.

My main problem with this story isn’t the boneheaded plot-line, the bland special effects, the horrendous dialogue, or even the beyond-awful acting from the two leads (More on that later). My main beef is with the message that this movie is trying to get across to the audience: “Danger is real, but fear is a choice.” Cypher Raige explains, in a long-winded, boring bout of dialogue, that he believes that while danger is everywhere, “fear is an illusion created by the mind”.

No, it’s not, you fucking idiot.

What we refer to as “fear” is a perfectly normal emotion that warns us when something is uncomfortable or dangerous. One of the reasons that humans haven’t gone extinct is because we’ve had fear in the back of our minds, wondering if attempting to fly was such a good idea. When I go to El Salvador (FYI, I have Canadian and Salvadoran citizenship), I don’t just dismiss my reluctance to enter the slums in San Salvador as an illusion created by my asshole brain, blocking me from living life to the fullest. I listen to my fear, because I’d rather not get murdered for drug money by some 17-year old gang-banger with facial tattoos.

It is VERY easy to figure out who you may want to avoid in El Salvador.

Acting: You gotta give the Pinkett-Smith family props. They try so hard to try to convince moviegoers that the kids in that family (Especially Jaden Smith) are the most multi-talented little  bastards around. Problem is, they’re the only ones buying it. Setting aside Jaden’s (And his sister, Willow) halfhearted stabs at music careers, acting seems to be what they’re trying to jump into. Jaden appeared with his dad in 2006’s The Pursuit of Happyness, and appeared subsequently in The Day the Earth Stood Still and the Karate Kid remake. Was After Earth finally going to be the performance where Jaden established himself among Hollywood’s elite at the age of 14?

No. Of course not. Make no bones about it, Jaden Smith’s acting gave me nightmares. And not in a “Holy shit, I’m gonna be dreaming about Hannibal Lecter dismembering me for the next thirty years” sense. The first thing I did after finishing this movie was go upstairs and start praying to any deity who exists and/or who gave a shit and pray that this kid never touches the Star Wars franchise. I’m not even religious! I just hope for his sake that his star fades quietly so he doesn’t open himself up to any more embarrassments,  but it’s unlikely, considering the pressure his family seems to be putting on him.

Speaking of his dad, I hoped that his performance would be better than advertised, because I’ve always been a big Will Smith fan, but his performance just left me depressed and longing for the days of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. He’s just so damn wooden in this movie. Actually, scratch that, he looks depressed. Uninterested. Like he’s aware of all the nepotism in this project and he’s ashamed of it. Of course, it could just be that he knows that the movie was a piece of shit, but I like to think that he knows he made a mistake and can learn from it.

Although I could be wrong.

What Razzie Nominations Does It Deserve? 

• Worst Screenplay: I dunno if it deserves to “win” this award, but the nomination makes sense, I guess.
• Worst Director (Shyamalan): Did I seriously forget to lay into M. Night in my rants? Well the direction (Directing?) couldn’t have been less interesting in this movie, so yeah.
• Worst Screen Combo (Smith and Smith): Actually, no, I don’t think so, but only because I don’t really think they were on-screen together enough to be considered a “combo”.
• Worst Supporting Actor (Will Smith): He deserves the nod, for sure. Not the win, though.
•  Worst Actor (Jaden Smith): Yep.
• Worst Picture: Fo’ sho’. (Remind me to never say that again.)

Overall Score: 2.5/10