Who the F*** is That?!?!- Deadpool (Part 2 of 3)

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The tragic, yet oddly hilarious leaked ending of The Good Dinosaur.

Holy hell, it’s been awhile since I last did one of these. Sorry for the lack of content. It’s really been a full week.

For Part 1, in which I talk about such Marvel Comics staples as Negasonic Teenage Warhead, Angel Dust and Copycat, make your way over here. For my Suicide Squad series, click over here for Part 1.

All right, let’s do this shit.

Francis/Ajax

See the resemblance?

First appearance: Deadpool #14 (March 1998)

Created by: Joe Kelly, Walter McDaniel

Portrayed by: Ed Skrein (Ill Manors, Game of Thrones)

Other portrayals: N/A

Little is known about the man only known as Francis, or by his codename of Ajax. All we know is that his first name is Francis, he’s Canadian, and he is an alumni of the Weapon X program, the same jolly group of god-playing psychopaths who grafted the aluminium to Wolverine’s skeleton and who gave Deadpool his good looks and charming disposition.

Please restrain yourselves, ladies!

As far as power sets go, the genetically altered Ajax was nothing particularly special, but was still pretty fuckin’ hardass. Aside from the usual tropes of having superhuman speed, agility and combat intuition (???), he was also one hundred percent incapable of feeling pain on account of having his nerves removed, which is scientific reasoning that would immediately drive most doctors to the bottle.

Unlike the other inmates at the Canadian Weapon X facility, who resented their situation, the sadistic Ajax fully embraced the situation, becoming the enforcer for Dr. Killebrew, the Mengele-esque geneticist who pretty much single-handedly created Deadpool. When a patient named Wade Wilson stepped out of line once too often, Ajax ripped out his heart, not knowing that Wilson possessed a healing factor that allowed him to immediately grow another one.

Wilson, now completely insane and going by his new moniker, Deadpool, unloaded two assault rifles into Ajax, seemingly killing him, and initiated a mass breakout.

This being a goddamned comic book, Ajax didn’t stay dead (Sorry, “seemingly” dead) for long, as he started murdering other Weapon X alumni in order to get back at Deadpool. The two went at it for a while, with Ajax even seemingly killing Deadpool at one point (Again, emphasis on “seemingly”). Finally, the Merc With a Mouth ended Ajax’s miserable existence by short-circuiting his armour and breaking his neck.

*Sad trombone*

Ajax seems to be the main antagonist in the film, although there are some differences from the comics. For example he’s English and not Canadian, being played by Ed Skrein, who you may remember as the character that fangirls wouldn’t stop complaining about after he was recast on Game of Thrones.

I like the newer guy a lot better, personally.

Also, he seems to have absorbed the role of Dr. Killebrew as well, with Ajax now seemingly being more of a scientist, at least in the beginning, before we see him in the trailer, sword fighting Deadpool. The role of enforcer at what I assume is Weapon X in the movie appears to have been taken over by the aforementioned Angel Dust. Odd, considering that Angel Dust has fuckall to do with Deadpool while Dr. Killebrew is an incredibly important character in the comics. I dunno. I could maybe be more speculative about this, but that would involve actually giving a shit about Angel Dust, and I just can’t bring myself to do that.

Althea/Blind Al

“Sounds like you’ve got a dick in your mouth” – Blind Al, 2016

First appearance: Deadpool #1 (January, 1997)

Created by: Joe Kelly, Ed McGuinness

Portrayed by: Leslie Uggams (Hallelujah Baby!, Roots)

Other portrayals: N/A

A British Intelligence agent who had been blind for most of her life and who may or may not have had an affair with Captain America at one point, Althea was on assignment in Zaire (The present-day Democratic Republic, for those of you not well versed in Central African geography) when she was targeted for assassination by a hired gun named Wade Wilson. Taking pity on the old woman, Wilson killed everybody but her, allowing her to escape. Years later, after he had fully transformed into the madman known as Deadpool, he ran into her again. Overjoyed to meet her, he kidnapped her and held her prisoner in his apartment for several years.

A bizarre relationship soon blossomed between the two. As one might expect from a total lunatic, Deadpool would often treat Al incredibly poorly, insulting her, mocking her blindness, forcing her to cook and clean for him, killing anybody who tried to rescue her and, on occasion, locking her in “The Box”, a small room filled with pointy things. Likewise, tough-as-nails Al gave as good as she got in the insult department, and took great pleasure in pranking him back.

On the other hand, Deadpool and Bind Al actually became really good friends during their time together, as Al became Deadpool’s closest confidant, and a sort of mother figure helping Deadpool redeem himself for his morally questionable past.

Beauty and the Beast can suck it.

All good partnerships come to an end, though (Ask Jason Todd). Being an unstable schizophrenic, Deadpool was bound to go through a low point, and he hit all the low points at once. He had broken up with his girlfriend, Siryn, slept with a supervillainess in a moment of weakness (Although it would take one hell of a moment of weakness for me to sleep with someone named “Typhoid Mary”) and was dealing with a new nemesis named T-Ray. One day, Wade came home to find that his friend and informant Weasel (Who we’ll get to later) was visiting Blind Al without his permission, which, despite being something that a rational person wouldn’t give the slightest shit about, is strictly verboten in the Wilson household. Enraged, Deadpool stuffs Blind Al back in the Box, which, it’s important to note, he hadn’t used for several years prior to this incident.

You made the dog sad!?!? I’M SORRY I EVER LIKED YOU, YOU FUCK!!!!

After this dust-up, Blind Al rightfully treated Deadpool coolly, and it dawned on Deadpool how much of a tremendous dickhead he had been. Wade decided to let Al go, but Al refused to leave of her own volition, so Deadpool used his teleporter to send her away, realizing that he didn’t want to keep her prisoner  anymore.

Fuck off, I’m not crying! A bug just flew in my eye…

…Sniff…

Deadpool is still in contact with Blind Al, but she hasn’t appeared in much more than a cameo since the late 90’s. As for the movie’s version of Blind Al, we know that she’s living with Deadpool, likely as his hostage, but we don’t know if her backstory is the same. Also, instead of being a White British woman like in the comics, she’s a Black American, and if you give a shit about that… Well…. You shouldn’t.

I wish my mom was this cool.

To be continued…

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Fantastic Four (Movie Review)

Stylized titles need to go ahead and put themselves out of their own misery.

I come to bury the Fantastic Four, not to praise them.

Fantastic Four

Directed by: Josh Trank (Chronicle)

Produced by: Gregory Goodman, Simon Kinberg, Robert Kulzar, Hutch Parker, Matthew Vaughn

Screenplay by: Simon Kinberg, Jeremy Slater, Josh Trank

Based on: Fantastic Four  by Stan Lee & Jack Kirby

Genre: Superhero

Starring: Miles Teller, Michael B. Jordan, Kate Mara, Jamie Bell, Toby Kebbell, Reg E. Cathey, Tim Blake Nelson

Music by: Marco Beltrami & Philip Glass

Plot: In search of the key to unlocking the ever-elusive secrets of teleportation and interdimensional travel , Dr. Franklin Storm (Reg E. Cathey) of the Baxter Foundation employs four young geniuses to seal the deal: Reed Richards (Miles Teller), Victor Von Doom (Yes they’re still calling him that…. Er, I mean, Toby Kebbell) and his own kids, Susan (Kate Mara) and Johnny (Michael B. Jordan). When the kids’ (Plus Reed’s childhood friend, Ben Grimm) experiment in the so-called “Planet Zero” (Because apparently, “Negative Zone” ,as it’s known in the comics, is too silly of a name for a movie where the main villain is called “Victor von Fucking Doom”) goes horribly wrong, the kids gain superhuman abilities. Reed gains the ability to stretch his body parts to abnormal lengths (Get your mind out of the gutter) Ben gets turned into a giant, supernaturally strong rock monster, Johnny gains the ability to set himself on fire and fly at will with no repercussions, Sue can turn invisible and use force fields and Victor von Bad Guy fucks off to the other dimension, goes insane, develops a power set vaguer than the Scarlet Witch, and decides to destroy the world, because whoever was rewriting this movie for the tenth time forgot to add a climax, and just picked the stock villain goal, regardless of whether it’s in the character’s nature or not.

He should’ve been named Victor Domashev. Come at me fanboys, I’m waiting.

And then, the good guys are spirited off to a secret government facility known as Area 57 (Because they couldn’t get the film rights to Area 51, apparently) where the government tries to weaponize them, because the Evil Government is Evil.

I can already feel the hatred flowing through me. God that feels good.

To say that Fantastic Four (Or if you’re lobotomized, Fant4stic) had a troubled production would be stating the obvious, at this point. At this point, those of us who tried to remain optimistic were hoping that it would be another case of persevering through adversity, Star Wars and Jaws style.

Well…. That shows what I fucking get for looking on the bright side. It’s all Nietzsche and self-hatred from here on out.

Come at me you beautiful motherfucker. I’m ready for your sweet, sweet nihilism all over me.

One controversial decision was the casting of Michael B. Jordan, a black man, as Johnny Storm, who is traditionally depicted as being a white man. I want to make myself abundantly clear about this: If you give the slightest shit about the Human Torch being black, you are likely racist, and I want you to leave. And if your retort to that is to point out the fact that I wouldn’t want Black Panther being played by a white man, then I strongly suggest euthanasia to avoid contaminating the gene pool further with your stupidity.

Michael B. Jordan isn’t the problem. None of the actors are. Every part is perfectly cast by greatly talented people, and they bring all they possibly can to this movie. In a parallel universe, we would have a FF movie that isn’t apparently being made by brain-damaged chimps with stump hands locked in a room with semi-functional typewriters. In that world, this cast is now being showered with praise instead of, well, I shudder to think of what horrible things are being said about the actors by overly emotional fanboys.

“HEY!!! These people don’t conform with societal expectations of racial dynamics in an American family! KILL THEM!!!”                                        -Idiots

All these supremely talented performers can’t save this movie from the aforementioned chimps with stump hands, though. Here’s an example of the stellar (Paraphrased) dialogue you can find in Fant4stic (Fuck, now I’m doing it):

Victor von Bad enough dude to save the president: “Do you think that maybe  the Earth really deserved to be saved? People are kind of the worst. That’s a conclusion I came to in my nonexistent character development!”

Susan: “Check out Dr. Doom over here!”

I don’t know about you, but I smell an Oscar!

In addition to the piss-poor dialogue and the lack of any character development whatsoever, the characters are bland and nondescript, with the screenwriters reducing their personalities to the faintest possible resemblance of their counterparts from the comics. Reed’s personality? “Smart guy”. Ben’s? “Sad, strong guy.” Johnny? “Angry guy.” Sue? “Girl.”Victor Von Holy shit some names should stay in the Sixties? Well… Let’s go ahead and talk about this bleached asshole of a villain.

God, he looks like the result of a one-night stand between a crash test dummy and C-3PO.

If somebody could please tell me how this snivelling emo loser who suddenly decides to destroy the world (For… Reasons) is supposed to be the pondering, dictatorial badass from the comics, that would be much appreciated.

While you’re at it, can somebody please tell me how this look is supposed to be equal to the comics in terms of awesomeness?

He looks like a blow-up doll made out of ballistics gel.

Dr. Doom isn’t the only thing that looks like shit. The visual effects are worse than any blockbuster movie of this day and age have any right to be. There’s one scene where Reed and Ben teleport a toy plane, and the ensuing flash looks like something made via Windows XP effect.

This game of solitary is more technologically advanced than the effects in Fantastic Four.

There were some complaints about the look of Ben Grimm after his new look was revealed as well, but I actually rather liked it. No one depiction of the thing is going to please everybody, but at least this time, he’s not just a guy in a rubber suit. There are definitely worse character designs out there.

He looks like the deformed son Ultron never told anybody about.

Even if those issues weren’t monumental, which they are, the movie would still be tanked by the fact that it’s a poorly edited, uneven backloaded mess. They should make this movie required viewing at film schools as an example of what to avoid at all costs when editing film. 20th Century Fox’s last-ditch efforts to salvage the mess Trank made and/or micromanage Trank to the point where he allegedly just gave up doesn’t pay off because the movie ambles along at a painfully slow pace, devoting it’s time to clunky character development and the occasional shitty joke. Then, in the last ten minutes or so, the filmmakers realize that “Oh shit! We totally forgot about the climax!” so they bring in Dr. Doom with next to no explanation, and we’re treated to a fight so overblown and lethargic that the audience just does not care anymore. And neither do the actors, for that matter. Reshoots probably don’t do much for your enthusiasm for working on a project.

Also, why do they not need they not need a special suit to survive in the Negative Zone (I’m not calling it fucking Planet Zero) during the climax, but earlier in the movie, they clearly need those suits to survive? And why do I expect logical thinking from the same people who think that Miles Teller and Jamie Bell look like high schoolers.

Overall: Even if it is the worst superhero movie since Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, at least Fant4stic has inspired me to write my own FF screenplay, if only because I’m one hundred percent certain that it wouldn’t end up as badly as this one.

Rating: 2/10

He looks like the Vision wearing a giant, skintight condom.

Who the F*** is That?!?!- Deadpool (Part 1 of 3)

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Truth, Justice, and an intense amount of gore and intestines flying about!

It’s a good thing these trailers keep coming out. How else would I get around posting original content for once in my damn life?

A mere week or so after I completed my Suicide Squad posts (Parts 1, 2 and 3 can be found here, here and here, respectively), a slightly condensed version of the Deadpool trailer from Comic-Con dropped, and, being both a comic fan and a child of the new millennium, the prospect of a Deadpool movie finally getting made and getting made right is very exciting, especially after the shitshow that was X-Men Origins: Wolverine.

Here’s the red-band trailer, because nobody cares about the stupid PG-13 version.

Like Suicide Squad, a lot of these characters are pretty obscure, just as, if not more obscure than Slipknot or El Diablo. Case in point…

Ellie Phimister/Negasonic Teenage Warhead

I’m kicking myself for not naming my blog “Negasonic Teenage Warhead”.

First appearance: New X-Men #152 (August 2001)

Created by: Grant Morrison, Frank Quitely

Portrayed by: Brianna Hildebrand (N/A. Deadpool is her first movie)

Other portrayals: N/A

The incredibly named Negasonic Teenage Warhead is the Z-Listiest among this cast of C and D listers, given as she only appeared in fourteen issues of Marvel Comics, and even I, who could recite the history of Katana and Rocket Raccoon if you put a gun to my head right now, had to make sure that this was an established character, and not either somebody made up for the movie, or the name of a hardcore band from the 80’s.

Well, she definitely has the 80’s hardcore look down.

NTW was a teenager (Duh) from the island of Genosha, which, to put a long story short, is an island northeast of Madagascar with a population that is just about entirely comprised of mutants. She was a student of Emma Frost (January Jones in X-Men: First Class), which suggests that she, like Frost, has telepathic abilities, although to what extent, I don’t know. Her main power is her ability for foresight, having precognitive nightmares that predicted that the entire population of Genosha was going to be killed. Apparently, the geniuses in charge of Genosha decided that they could afford to ignore the person whose whole deal is that she can tell the future. Did this decision pay off?

Nooooooooooo.

In the ensuing massacre of Genoshan mutants by the evil Cassandra Nova, NTW was killed. She survived as part of Emma Frost’s subconscious, and briefly came back to life when her, uh, subconscious came back to life and attacked the X-Men (I don’t fuckin’ know) before being killed again by Cyclops. She was finally resurrected by the evil Selene, who she served as a slave until Selene was killed by Warpath. Her current status is unknown.

…This is almost certainly not going to be her movie origin though, so you might as well treat her like an all new character.

Christina/Angel Dust

I’d rather see Ronda Rousey, but this works too.

First appearance: Morlocks #1 (June 2002)

Created by: Geoff Johns, Shawn Martinbrough

Portrayed by: Gina Carano (Haywire, Fast & Furious 6)

Other portrayals: N/A

Hold on a minute, I need to satisfy my curiosity.

Ha! I knew it! And also, WHAT THE FUCK!?!?

Scared by the sudden development of her mutant powers, Angel Dust ran away from home and joined the Chicago faction of the Morlock, which are essentially mutants that live in the sewers, in self-imposed exile from the rest of society, because blah blah blah, it’s a metaphor for racism. After defeating a Sentinel base with the rest of her Morlock pals, she returns home to her parents, who are surprisingly accepting of her situation. She was later depowered after M-Day, which is a whole other thing that I’m not going to get into now.

Even more so than Negasonic Teenage Warhead, Angel Dust’s origin story is pretty much irrelevant to the Deadpool movie, as we see that she’s actually an antagonist in the movie, and is a guard or something in the facility where Deadpool is being held. Hopefully the next character’s comic book origins will actually be consequential to the movie. And take up more than a paragraph’s worth of history.

Vanessa Carlysle/Copycat

First appearance: New Mutants #98 (February 1991) (Posing as Domino), X-Force #11 (June 1992) (As Vanessa)

Created by: Rob Liefeld, Fabian Nicieza

Portrayed by: Morena Baccarin (Firefly, Stargate SG-1, Homeland)

Other portrayals: N/A

Oh, good, Copycat. She’s a main Deadpool character, let’s do this!

Vanessa Carslysle was a mutant with the gift of shapeshifting who had fallen into a life of prostitution in Boston. She was saved from this shitty situation when she fell in love with a Canadian mercenary named Wade Wilson. After running off with Wilson, he ended up dumping her when he discovered that he had been afflicted with cancer. Heartbroken, Vanessa utilized her mutant talents to become a mercenary herself, infiltrating the New Mutants for her first mission and becoming a staple supporting character in X-Men spinoffs like X-Force and New Mutants when she was impersonating Domino, as well as an on-again-off again love interest for Deadpool until her death at the hands of Sabretooth in 2001 (Though she was resurrected, she just hasn’t appeared at all since then, except for a brief cameo in a recent issue).

Cue waterworks.

Not bad for a character who’s basically a clone of Mystique, down to the impractical lack of clothing.

Someone really needs to tell comic book artists that female body armour is a thing that exists.

Well, she’s actually not a complete clone of Mystique. In addition to being able to perfectly mimic somebody else down to the molecular level, she can also replicate their powers. Will all this awesomeness come into play during the movie? As of right now, It doesn’t look that way, as during no part of the trailer does it mention that Vanessa is either a mutant or a mercenary. That said, Movie Vanessa is definitely Deadpool’s love interest, and her sordid origins may be more or less the same, judging from the scene that takes place from 1:47 to 1:49 in the trailer. Judging by the trailer and the fact that we haven’t seen Morena Baccarin gussied up in body paint (Drool) or motion-capture gear means that we’ll likely have to wait until the inevitable sequel for her to become all blue and shit.

Personally, I’m hoping Ben Franklin’s ghost makes a surprise cameo instead.

To be continued…