Insert joke about deserving an Oscar here.
Bring a winter coat for this one. Trust me.
The Revenant (Movie Review)
Quick Oscar Thoughts
Let the rampant whining from fanboys begin.
It’s an important milestone in any movie fan’s life when he or she comes to the realization that the people voting for the Oscars are little more than old white men jerking off other old white men. That doesn’t mean he or she can’t enjoy the ceremonies, and the nominated movies, but, you know, let’s maybe not take the opinion of a group composed mostly of out-of-touch all that seriously.
Never forget.
With that said, I still enjoy bitching and moaning about the movies, because literally nothing gives me more joy than bitching and moaning about trivial shit.
And yes, like last year, I will watch and review all of the Best Picture nominees this year. I’ve already reviewed The Martian, Mad Max: Fury Road and Spotlight, and I need to get to watching The Big Short, Bridge of Spies, Brooklyn, The Revenant (Which I should see this weekend, with any luck) and Room.
With that out of the way, it’s time to make some observations about the nominations for the 88th Academy Awards.
Top 10 Most Anticipated Movies of 2016
Anybody who doesn’t like superhero movies isn’t going to be the biggest fan of this list.
2016 has only recently taken the wheel from 2015, and you know what that means!
That’s right! It’s time for my list of Top Ten 2016 Movies That Will Inevitably Disappoint Me!
Spotlight (Movie Review)
“We’ve come for all your Oscars.”
From directing one of the worst shitbags of the year (Look for him somewhere) to directing what looks to be the Best Picture frontrunner at this point in time. Thomas McCarthy has had a strange year, hasn’t he?
Half-Assed End-Of-the-Year Round-up (Plus 2016 Housekeeping!)
Oh, Murder-Horse, how I’ve missed you!
Happy Belated New Year, you filthy animals!!!
I’m sorry for the continuing lack of activity over the holidays, but to be fair, it’s hard to do a lot of writing when you’re busy ringing in the new year with gusto.
Of course, when I say “ringing in the new year” I obviously mean “getting drunk on bathtub moonshine, loudly proclaiming my love for Brie Larson in the middle of Churchill Square in the afternoon and making the street urchins I have chained up in my basement dance to the Pokemon theme song for my amusement”.
“No, it’s step one-one-two on the second chorus! Dammit Timmy, don’t make me release the rats again!”
Yes, my parents are proud of me. Why do you ask?
Anyway, with 2015 now being spoken of in the past tense, I figured now was the ideal time to both do some minor housekeeping and do some extremely quick reviews for any 2015 movies that I haven’t had the chance to comment on yet.
First, some aforementioned housekeeping stuff:
- For the most part, business as usual will continue. I will write mostly movie reviews, and (hopefully more often) other things. Occasionally, I may attempt a joke. It will end badly.
- It’s getting into Oscar season and, as usual, I need to get on reviewing some of THOSE movies. If I get around to it, i may look at the Razzie movies too (shudder).
- My Top 20 Best Movies of 2015 list isn’t coming out until after I’ve seen the movies that I need to see for Oscar season. Otherwise, that’d be pretty stupid of me, wouldn’t it?
- DeathMatch is dead. I’m sorry for anybody who really liked that (I’m sure there was maybe one of you), but I kind of don’t want to do it anymore, and the response I got (or lack thereof) in the last post just doesn’t justify me keeping it going. I enjoy doing Who the Fuck!?!? much more, anyways.
- As usual, comments are welcome and appreciated. Just know that my tolerance for spam, racism, sexism, homophobia and general dickheadishness is low. This comment section is not a democracy. It is a totalitarian regime, and I am Supreme Leader. will only earn you a cruel response from me viciously attacking everything about you, followed by prompt deletion of your comment. Don’t like it? Start your own shitty blog.
Mind you, I’ve only ever needed to delete one comment, so I’m not too worried about needing to exercise the BanHammer. This counts as a Fair Warning, though.
Now that that shit’s out of the way, it’s time for some extremely quick, extremely poorly done reviews!
(Note: On the off-chance that any of these movies are nominated for Best Picture, I’ll be sure to do a full review)
The Gunman
Plot: Sean Penn spends two hours showing us his abs.
Thoughts: The solid action from director Pierre Morel and star Sean Penn doesn’t excuse the uninteresting plot, boring pace, and waste of both Javier Bardem and Idris Elba.
Rating: 3.5/10
The Man from U.N.C.L.E.
Plot: An American spy (Henry Cavill), a Russian spy (Armie Hammer) and a German civilian (Alicia Vikander) must team up to stop Italian fascists from ending the world, or some shit.
Thoughts: It figures that an American would be played by an Englishman, a Russian would be played by an American, and a German would be played by a Swede, doesn’t it?
Anyways, The Man from U.N.C.L.E. is a solid throwback to the spy movies of yore. Does that make it anything special? Hell to-the-no, but it’s definitely not bad.
Rating: 6.5/10
What We Do In the Shadows
Plot: Some folks from Flight of the Conchords made a movie about vampires living in modern-day Wellington, NZ. It’s just as fucking awesome as it sounds.
Thoughts: Why are you still reading this shitty blog after reading this premise? Watch the fucking movie!
Rating: 8.5/10
Me and Earl and the Dying Girl
Plot: Greg (Thomas Mann) is forced by his parents to befriend Rachel (Olivia Cooke), who, you may have guessed, has terminal cancer. Hilarity ensues.
Thoughts: If you’ve ever read a John Green book, you probably know some of the more basic beats of this movie, but that doesn’t make it any less impressive in its execution and emotional impact. Also, RJ Cyler is fucking hilarious.
Rating: 9/10
Turbo Kid
Plot: In the dystopian hellhole of a future that is 1997, a teenage boy (Munro Chambers) and a free-spirited girl (Laurence Leboeuf) must team up against a tyrannical warlord (Michael Ironside).
Thoughts: It’s extremely violent, fully aware of how silly it is and overindulges in the fact that it’s an 80’s movie released in 2015. And god bless it for that.
Rating: 9/10
Dope
Plot: Malcolm Adekanbi (Shameik Moore) is a geeky, hardworking high school senior from the not-so-friendly town of Inglewood, California who, through no real fault of his own, gets mixed up in some less-than-savoury activities. Hilarity ensues.
Thoughts: Watch Dope. Why? Cuz it’s DOPE.
What’s that? I can’t hear you over how DEAD-ON that shit was!!!
Beasts of No Nation
Plot: A West African boy is separated from his family during a civil war and joins up with a rebel group as a child soldier. Hilarity ensues.
Thoughts: It’s harrowing and dramatic, but also incredibly acted by Idris Elba and newcomer Abraham Attah, as well as beautifully shot by Cary Joji Fukunaga (Who doubled as cinematographer and director). Sure, it’s violent and heartbreaking, but that doesn’t make it any less of a must-see.
Rating: 9.5/10
Who the F*** is That?!?!- X-Men: Apocalypse (Part 1 of 3)
“Call me Ivan Ooze again motherfucker, I dare you.”
Now that my first semester of university is way in the rearview mirror and the bulk of the holiday season is behind us (Unless you celebrate Kwanzaa, I suppose), it’s time to get back in the practice of not being an unproductive scumbag. I figured that it’s past time to do a WTF?!?! for X-Men: Apocalypse, given that the trailer dropped a few weeks ago.
As well as this series, I should have a couple overdue movie reviews coming out soon, as well as a list of my most anticipated movies of 2016, as well as a round-up of some of the movies I watched this year that I didn’t get around to reviewing.
For those of you wondering about my DeathMatch series (All none of you), I, uh, well I’ll get into it later, but for now, I’ll say that I wouldn’t hold my breath.
Anyways, with regards to this edition of WTF?!?!, you’ll notice that a lot of these characters have appeared in major movies before, but I felt that their origins weren’t touched on much, for various reasons, so in addition to the new characters, some familiar faces will be profiled as well.
Anyways, on with the damn show!
Star Wars: The Force Awakens (SPOILER FREE Movie Review)
If I have to hear one more bullshit fan theory about Jar-Jar Binks, I’m going to go on a murder spree.
Honestly, I actually had stuff I wanted to post before reviewing Star Wars. I had a WTF for X-Men: Apocalypse on the docket. I had a review of Spotlight in development. Hell, I may have gotten around to finishing the last two entries in that DeathMatch that I’ve procrastinated on for around a year now. But once The Force Awakens took over the world, there was no way I was getting anything done before seeing the most anticipated movie on Planet Earth (I’m not exactly the outlier in this case. It was my most anticipated movie of 2015).
Before getting into the review, I should clarify that this is meant to be a SPOILER-FREE space. If anybody in the comments spoils the movie for those who have yet to see the movie, no matter if they meant any harm or not, their comment is getting removed, no exception. If you feel like spoiling the movie anyways, because you take pleasure in that sort of thing, then I feel the need to point out that you are literally festering human garbage. I shouldn’t have to do this, because I have a fairly limited reader base (and those who usually comment are pretty awesome), but there you go. On with the review.
