Who the F*** is That?!?!- Black Panther

Full disclosure: I’m a sucker for claws on superhero costumes.

In the past few weeks, we’ve been treated to trailers for Captain America: Civil War, X-Men: Apocalypse and Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, meaning that I get to drag out this series again. As far as new characters go through,  there’s really only one from each trailer (Except X-Men, but I’ll get to that trailer later), and the character from Dawn of Justice is kind of a huge spoiler, so for now, I’ll stick with talking about Marvel’s first black superhero, the Black Panther.

Subtle, Marvel.

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Who the F*** is That?!?!- Jessica Jones (Part 2 of 2)

Alternative title: “Fifty Shades of Purple.”

It’s been fairly hard to muster up the energy or desire to write in the past week or so, what with the world still reeling from the Paris attacks (*Cough* While ignoring bombing in Beirut *Cough*) and Western racism rearing its ugly head once again. It seems like every visit to the internet ends in depression and the need for a stiff drink. And that’s just before witnessing the nightmare that is every comment section right now.

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Who the F*** is That?!?!- Jessica Jones (Part 1 of 2)

Judging by this image, you think this is going to be a light, fun edition of WTF, don’t you? Oh, you sad, naive fools…

On November 20, Netflix and Marvel will release their second television show together after the first season of Daredevil, which everybody loved, and if you think you didn’t love it, stop lying to yourself. This new show will focus on America’s sweetheart, the international icon known as Jessica Jones.

Cheerful, isn’t it? You know… If abject human misery cheers you up.

Since Jessica Jones definitely qualifies as one of the more obscure characters in the Marvel Comics library, and her amazing-looking show comes out in exactly one week, I figured this was as good a time as any to put off doing part two of that DeathMatch that I started whenever the fuck ago and continue my “WTF!?!?” series. Both first parts of the entries I did for Deadpool and the Suicide Squad can be found here and here, respectively.

I’m not one to delay (*Cough*), so let’s get started.

Patsy Walker/Hellcat

First appearances: Miss America Magazine #2 (Nov. 1944, as Patsy Walker) The Avengers #144 (Feb. 1976, as Hellcat)

Created by: Ruth Atkinson (Patsy Walker) David Michelinie & Mike Harris (Hellcat)

Portrayed by: Rachael Taylor (headLand, Transformers, Red Dog)

Other portrayals: N/A

One of the few remaining original Marvel characters from the 40’s that Marvel (Then known as “Timely Comics”) hasn’t put out of their misery, Patsy Walker started out as some Betty/Veronica-esque character in one of those comics aimed at teenage girls that is almost certainly horribly sexist in retrospect.

Like Betty and Veronica, but sociopathic lunatics.

Later, Patsy appeared in Fantastic Four cementing her as a canonical character in the Marvel Universe. It was later revealed that Patsy was a child model and actress whose mother drew those Betty & Veronica-esque comics, whose characters were based on Patsy and her friends. Not necessarily the biggest fan of having her childhood exploited for the sake of a few catty giggles from teenyboppers, Patsy preferred to devote her time to admiring superheroes, even having a crush on Reed Richards for a while.

I’m sorry- “Charming lady’s man Reed Richards!!!”

After graduating from high school, Patsy married her fictional/non-fictional boyfriend, Robert Baxter, and embarked on a glamorous career as a homemaker. This may be the least progressive “WTF?!?!” entry ever. On cue, here are more pictures of Reed Richards being a misogynist!

Proof that as bad as the Fantastic Four movie was, it could’ve been SO much worse…

Eventually drifting away from her husband, Patsy left his sorry ass and miraculously linked up with the Avengers. Tagging along with the team while they investigated criminal links at the corporation that her ex-husband worked security for, Patsy, a natural athlete, apparently, adopted a costume formerly worn by Tigra before she let her new uniform be designed by a hormonal 16-year old. After the mission proceeded successfully, Patsy joined the Avengers as Hellcat. One wild career on and off the Avengers later (Which included her getting manipulated by Damion Hellstrom, the son of Satan, into committing suicide, and subsequently coming back to life), she is currently working as a private investigator for Jennifer Walters (She-Hulk) and has a new solo series coming out in December. As far as I know, she’s not going to become Hellcat in the Jessica Jones TV show, being a former child actress and childhood friend of Jessica’s, and if recent trailers are any indication, she won’t become Hellcat until at least the second season.

Honestly, I’m just wondering how they’re justifying using the name “Patsy” in a modern context.

Luke Cage

First appearance: Luke Cage, Hero for Hire #1 (June 1972)

Created by: Archie Goodwin & John Romita Sr.

Portrayed by: Mike Colter (Million Dollar Baby, Halo)

Other portrayals: Lil’ JJ (The Super Hero Squad) Ogie Banks (Ultimate Spider-Man, Disney Infinity: Marvel Super Heroes), Christopher B. Duncan (The Avengers: Earth’s Mightiest Heroes), Ryokan Koyanagi (Marvel Disk Wars: The Avengers), Greg Eagles (Marvel: Ultimate Alliance), Robert Wisdom (Spider-Man: Web of Shadows) Khary Payton (Marvel: Ultimate Alliance 2), James C. Mathis III (Marvel Heroes), John Eric Bentley (Lego Marvel Super Heroes)

A young gangbanger from Harlem, Carl Lucas realized that his lifestyle was affecting his family in a negative way, and decided to get his life back on track, seeking legitimate employment and going straight, though he still maintained contact with his buddy, Willis Stryker , who was rising rapidly through the ranks of their gang, the Rivals.

In his defense, with a name like “Willis Stryker”, his only options were “criminal” or “80’s Action Hero.”

When Stryker’s girlfriend. Reva Connors, broke up with him because of his career choices, she sought consolation from Lucas. Convinced that Lucas had conspired to steal her away from him, Stryker decided to frame him, planting heroin on him and calling the cops. Understandably pissed about this development, Lucas contacted the Maggia (Because”Mafia” was trademarked, apparently) and put a hit out on Stryker, but the hit was botched, and Reva was killed while Stryker survived.

In prison, Cage was drafted into a Super Soldier cell-regeneration experiment, because apparently that’s standard procedure in the prisons of the Marvel Universe (Come to think of it, that explains a lot of things,). The experiment was sabotaged by a racist guard who held a grudge against him, and Lucas ended up with superhuman strength and unbreakable skin. Breaking out of prison, Lucas changed his name to “Luke Cage”, adopted the horrendous (Yet not exactly incorrect, per se) moniker of “Power Man” and became, as the title of his debut comic would suggest, a “Hero for Hire”, which is exactly what it sounds like.

Luke Cage (Earth-616) 001

Ha ha. No, seriously, what’s his costume?

While Cage started off as a profiteer, he eventually became a legitimate ally of superheroes like Daredevil and Spider-Man, and even had short stints on the Defenders and the Fantastic Four. Along with his good friend Danny Rand, the Iron Fist, cage formed the wildly successful “Heroes for Hire” organisation, but when that eventually fell through, Cage joined the the Anti-Registration Avengers (More on that when Civil War comes out), fighting Norman Osborn during Dark Reign  and leading a team of Avengers (As well as the Thunderbolts) for a period called the “Heroic Age”. Cage has risen from a character that was little more than a cynical cash grab directed at the blaxploitation audience has ascended to… at least C-list status in the Marvel Universe. Although he’s getting the bump from the Cinematic Universe, so that’ll help him out.

Case in point.

To be concluded in Part 2

Who the F*** is That?!?!- Deadpool (Part 2 of 3)

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The tragic, yet oddly hilarious leaked ending of The Good Dinosaur.

Holy hell, it’s been awhile since I last did one of these. Sorry for the lack of content. It’s really been a full week.

For Part 1, in which I talk about such Marvel Comics staples as Negasonic Teenage Warhead, Angel Dust and Copycat, make your way over here. For my Suicide Squad series, click over here for Part 1.

All right, let’s do this shit.

Francis/Ajax

See the resemblance?

First appearance: Deadpool #14 (March 1998)

Created by: Joe Kelly, Walter McDaniel

Portrayed by: Ed Skrein (Ill Manors, Game of Thrones)

Other portrayals: N/A

Little is known about the man only known as Francis, or by his codename of Ajax. All we know is that his first name is Francis, he’s Canadian, and he is an alumni of the Weapon X program, the same jolly group of god-playing psychopaths who grafted the aluminium to Wolverine’s skeleton and who gave Deadpool his good looks and charming disposition.

Please restrain yourselves, ladies!

As far as power sets go, the genetically altered Ajax was nothing particularly special, but was still pretty fuckin’ hardass. Aside from the usual tropes of having superhuman speed, agility and combat intuition (???), he was also one hundred percent incapable of feeling pain on account of having his nerves removed, which is scientific reasoning that would immediately drive most doctors to the bottle.

Unlike the other inmates at the Canadian Weapon X facility, who resented their situation, the sadistic Ajax fully embraced the situation, becoming the enforcer for Dr. Killebrew, the Mengele-esque geneticist who pretty much single-handedly created Deadpool. When a patient named Wade Wilson stepped out of line once too often, Ajax ripped out his heart, not knowing that Wilson possessed a healing factor that allowed him to immediately grow another one.

Wilson, now completely insane and going by his new moniker, Deadpool, unloaded two assault rifles into Ajax, seemingly killing him, and initiated a mass breakout.

This being a goddamned comic book, Ajax didn’t stay dead (Sorry, “seemingly” dead) for long, as he started murdering other Weapon X alumni in order to get back at Deadpool. The two went at it for a while, with Ajax even seemingly killing Deadpool at one point (Again, emphasis on “seemingly”). Finally, the Merc With a Mouth ended Ajax’s miserable existence by short-circuiting his armour and breaking his neck.

*Sad trombone*

Ajax seems to be the main antagonist in the film, although there are some differences from the comics. For example he’s English and not Canadian, being played by Ed Skrein, who you may remember as the character that fangirls wouldn’t stop complaining about after he was recast on Game of Thrones.

I like the newer guy a lot better, personally.

Also, he seems to have absorbed the role of Dr. Killebrew as well, with Ajax now seemingly being more of a scientist, at least in the beginning, before we see him in the trailer, sword fighting Deadpool. The role of enforcer at what I assume is Weapon X in the movie appears to have been taken over by the aforementioned Angel Dust. Odd, considering that Angel Dust has fuckall to do with Deadpool while Dr. Killebrew is an incredibly important character in the comics. I dunno. I could maybe be more speculative about this, but that would involve actually giving a shit about Angel Dust, and I just can’t bring myself to do that.

Althea/Blind Al

“Sounds like you’ve got a dick in your mouth” – Blind Al, 2016

First appearance: Deadpool #1 (January, 1997)

Created by: Joe Kelly, Ed McGuinness

Portrayed by: Leslie Uggams (Hallelujah Baby!, Roots)

Other portrayals: N/A

A British Intelligence agent who had been blind for most of her life and who may or may not have had an affair with Captain America at one point, Althea was on assignment in Zaire (The present-day Democratic Republic, for those of you not well versed in Central African geography) when she was targeted for assassination by a hired gun named Wade Wilson. Taking pity on the old woman, Wilson killed everybody but her, allowing her to escape. Years later, after he had fully transformed into the madman known as Deadpool, he ran into her again. Overjoyed to meet her, he kidnapped her and held her prisoner in his apartment for several years.

A bizarre relationship soon blossomed between the two. As one might expect from a total lunatic, Deadpool would often treat Al incredibly poorly, insulting her, mocking her blindness, forcing her to cook and clean for him, killing anybody who tried to rescue her and, on occasion, locking her in “The Box”, a small room filled with pointy things. Likewise, tough-as-nails Al gave as good as she got in the insult department, and took great pleasure in pranking him back.

On the other hand, Deadpool and Bind Al actually became really good friends during their time together, as Al became Deadpool’s closest confidant, and a sort of mother figure helping Deadpool redeem himself for his morally questionable past.

Beauty and the Beast can suck it.

All good partnerships come to an end, though (Ask Jason Todd). Being an unstable schizophrenic, Deadpool was bound to go through a low point, and he hit all the low points at once. He had broken up with his girlfriend, Siryn, slept with a supervillainess in a moment of weakness (Although it would take one hell of a moment of weakness for me to sleep with someone named “Typhoid Mary”) and was dealing with a new nemesis named T-Ray. One day, Wade came home to find that his friend and informant Weasel (Who we’ll get to later) was visiting Blind Al without his permission, which, despite being something that a rational person wouldn’t give the slightest shit about, is strictly verboten in the Wilson household. Enraged, Deadpool stuffs Blind Al back in the Box, which, it’s important to note, he hadn’t used for several years prior to this incident.

You made the dog sad!?!? I’M SORRY I EVER LIKED YOU, YOU FUCK!!!!

After this dust-up, Blind Al rightfully treated Deadpool coolly, and it dawned on Deadpool how much of a tremendous dickhead he had been. Wade decided to let Al go, but Al refused to leave of her own volition, so Deadpool used his teleporter to send her away, realizing that he didn’t want to keep her prisoner  anymore.

Fuck off, I’m not crying! A bug just flew in my eye…

…Sniff…

Deadpool is still in contact with Blind Al, but she hasn’t appeared in much more than a cameo since the late 90’s. As for the movie’s version of Blind Al, we know that she’s living with Deadpool, likely as his hostage, but we don’t know if her backstory is the same. Also, instead of being a White British woman like in the comics, she’s a Black American, and if you give a shit about that… Well…. You shouldn’t.

I wish my mom was this cool.

To be continued…

Who the F*** is That?!?!- Deadpool (Part 1 of 3)

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Truth, Justice, and an intense amount of gore and intestines flying about!

It’s a good thing these trailers keep coming out. How else would I get around posting original content for once in my damn life?

A mere week or so after I completed my Suicide Squad posts (Parts 1, 2 and 3 can be found here, here and here, respectively), a slightly condensed version of the Deadpool trailer from Comic-Con dropped, and, being both a comic fan and a child of the new millennium, the prospect of a Deadpool movie finally getting made and getting made right is very exciting, especially after the shitshow that was X-Men Origins: Wolverine.

Here’s the red-band trailer, because nobody cares about the stupid PG-13 version.

Like Suicide Squad, a lot of these characters are pretty obscure, just as, if not more obscure than Slipknot or El Diablo. Case in point…

Ellie Phimister/Negasonic Teenage Warhead

I’m kicking myself for not naming my blog “Negasonic Teenage Warhead”.

First appearance: New X-Men #152 (August 2001)

Created by: Grant Morrison, Frank Quitely

Portrayed by: Brianna Hildebrand (N/A. Deadpool is her first movie)

Other portrayals: N/A

The incredibly named Negasonic Teenage Warhead is the Z-Listiest among this cast of C and D listers, given as she only appeared in fourteen issues of Marvel Comics, and even I, who could recite the history of Katana and Rocket Raccoon if you put a gun to my head right now, had to make sure that this was an established character, and not either somebody made up for the movie, or the name of a hardcore band from the 80’s.

Well, she definitely has the 80’s hardcore look down.

NTW was a teenager (Duh) from the island of Genosha, which, to put a long story short, is an island northeast of Madagascar with a population that is just about entirely comprised of mutants. She was a student of Emma Frost (January Jones in X-Men: First Class), which suggests that she, like Frost, has telepathic abilities, although to what extent, I don’t know. Her main power is her ability for foresight, having precognitive nightmares that predicted that the entire population of Genosha was going to be killed. Apparently, the geniuses in charge of Genosha decided that they could afford to ignore the person whose whole deal is that she can tell the future. Did this decision pay off?

Nooooooooooo.

In the ensuing massacre of Genoshan mutants by the evil Cassandra Nova, NTW was killed. She survived as part of Emma Frost’s subconscious, and briefly came back to life when her, uh, subconscious came back to life and attacked the X-Men (I don’t fuckin’ know) before being killed again by Cyclops. She was finally resurrected by the evil Selene, who she served as a slave until Selene was killed by Warpath. Her current status is unknown.

…This is almost certainly not going to be her movie origin though, so you might as well treat her like an all new character.

Christina/Angel Dust

I’d rather see Ronda Rousey, but this works too.

First appearance: Morlocks #1 (June 2002)

Created by: Geoff Johns, Shawn Martinbrough

Portrayed by: Gina Carano (Haywire, Fast & Furious 6)

Other portrayals: N/A

Hold on a minute, I need to satisfy my curiosity.

Ha! I knew it! And also, WHAT THE FUCK!?!?

Scared by the sudden development of her mutant powers, Angel Dust ran away from home and joined the Chicago faction of the Morlock, which are essentially mutants that live in the sewers, in self-imposed exile from the rest of society, because blah blah blah, it’s a metaphor for racism. After defeating a Sentinel base with the rest of her Morlock pals, she returns home to her parents, who are surprisingly accepting of her situation. She was later depowered after M-Day, which is a whole other thing that I’m not going to get into now.

Even more so than Negasonic Teenage Warhead, Angel Dust’s origin story is pretty much irrelevant to the Deadpool movie, as we see that she’s actually an antagonist in the movie, and is a guard or something in the facility where Deadpool is being held. Hopefully the next character’s comic book origins will actually be consequential to the movie. And take up more than a paragraph’s worth of history.

Vanessa Carlysle/Copycat

First appearance: New Mutants #98 (February 1991) (Posing as Domino), X-Force #11 (June 1992) (As Vanessa)

Created by: Rob Liefeld, Fabian Nicieza

Portrayed by: Morena Baccarin (Firefly, Stargate SG-1, Homeland)

Other portrayals: N/A

Oh, good, Copycat. She’s a main Deadpool character, let’s do this!

Vanessa Carslysle was a mutant with the gift of shapeshifting who had fallen into a life of prostitution in Boston. She was saved from this shitty situation when she fell in love with a Canadian mercenary named Wade Wilson. After running off with Wilson, he ended up dumping her when he discovered that he had been afflicted with cancer. Heartbroken, Vanessa utilized her mutant talents to become a mercenary herself, infiltrating the New Mutants for her first mission and becoming a staple supporting character in X-Men spinoffs like X-Force and New Mutants when she was impersonating Domino, as well as an on-again-off again love interest for Deadpool until her death at the hands of Sabretooth in 2001 (Though she was resurrected, she just hasn’t appeared at all since then, except for a brief cameo in a recent issue).

Cue waterworks.

Not bad for a character who’s basically a clone of Mystique, down to the impractical lack of clothing.

Someone really needs to tell comic book artists that female body armour is a thing that exists.

Well, she’s actually not a complete clone of Mystique. In addition to being able to perfectly mimic somebody else down to the molecular level, she can also replicate their powers. Will all this awesomeness come into play during the movie? As of right now, It doesn’t look that way, as during no part of the trailer does it mention that Vanessa is either a mutant or a mercenary. That said, Movie Vanessa is definitely Deadpool’s love interest, and her sordid origins may be more or less the same, judging from the scene that takes place from 1:47 to 1:49 in the trailer. Judging by the trailer and the fact that we haven’t seen Morena Baccarin gussied up in body paint (Drool) or motion-capture gear means that we’ll likely have to wait until the inevitable sequel for her to become all blue and shit.

Personally, I’m hoping Ben Franklin’s ghost makes a surprise cameo instead.

To be continued…

Who the F*** Are the Suicide Squad?!?! (Part 3 of 3)

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“Grrrr!!!!”

So it’s finally come to this. The last four members of the Suicide Squad (Or, as it’s officially known, Task Force X), three of whom are probably going to be the main focus of the movie (Because shoving more than three origin stories into one movie might be kinda impossible).

For those of you who missed them, Parts 1 and 2 can be found here and here, respectively. Let’s go ahead and get going with the biggest stereotype on the team…

George Harkness/Captain Boomerang

What the hell is wrong with his hair?

First appearance: Flash #117 (December 1960)

Created by: John Broome, Carmine Infantino

Portrayed by: Jai Courtney (Spartacus: Blood and SandUnbroken, Jack Reacher)

Other portrayals: Donal Gibson (DC Animated Universe), John DiMaggio (Batman: The Brave and the Bold), Nick Tarabay (Arrow), James Patrick Stewart (Justice League: The Flashpoint Paradox), Greg Ellis (Batman: Assault on Arkham)

Trying to find bright spots in Jai Courtney’s filmography is… Well, it’s something.

But-but who can forget his unforgettable turn in I, Frankenstein???

Anyways, George “Digger” Harkness was born in Kurrumburra, Australia, the illegitimate son of an American toymaker and an Australian woman. Harkness’ life in the wilds of small-town Australia was complete and utter shit, as he was growing up poor, and under the thumb of his abusive stepfather. Harkness turned to crime, committing robberies with the help of his trusty boomerang, a traditional Australian weapon that he had grown extremely proficient with, because what the fuck else are you supposed to do when you’re a teenager growing up in the Australian Bush?

Besides die horribly, I mean?

When a robbery goes horribly wrong, his stepfather kicks him out of the house, so his mom sends him to America to start over… And when he gets to the States, he immediately begins a career as a criminal, coming into conflict with the Rogues, a group of supervillains dedicated to taking down the Flash, and eventually the Suicide Squad.

While he is likely the least completely in sane of most iterations of the Squad, he shouldn’t be mistaken for a good person. He has little to no regard for human life (At one point leading his teammate, Mindboggler, to her death, solely because of petty differences), is just about completely amoral, and, if that wasn’t enough, he’s fond of sexual harassment, and is also overtly racist, making him one “That’s not a knife, this is a knife!” away from being the evilest possible version of Crocodile Dundee.

Hopefully, Jai Courtney is a better actor when he’s using his natural Australian dialect. I mean, he’s a Hollywood actor, there must be talent and charisma buried somewhere under the mountainous lack of appeal, right?

I’m being awfully critical for someone who doesn’t have the courage to use his real name online, aren’t I? I dunno, he’s probably a super nice guy.

Floyd Lawton/Deadshot

It could just be that I’m overly critical of Will Smith, but I’m actually surprised that he took a role that requires him to wear a mask for a good portion of screen time.

First appearance: Batman #59 (June 1950)

Created by: David Vern Reed, Lew Sayre Schwartz

Portrayed by: Will Smith (The Fresh Prince of– Oh, fuck this, if you don’t know who Will Smith is, why are you even here?)

Other portrayals: Michael Rosenbaum (DC Animated Universe), Tom Kenny (Batman: The Brave and the Bold), Bradley Stryker (Smallvile), Michael Rowe (Arrow), Jim Meskimen (Batman: Gotham Knight), Neal McDonough (Batman: Assault on Arkham), Chris Cox (Batman: Arkham City, Batman: Arkham Knight)

Unlike the majority of the Squaddies, Floyd Lawton had a fairly privileged upbringing, growing up with insanely wealthy parents and an older brother, Edward, whom he adored. While his parents also adored Edward, they neglected Floyd, treating him poorly, because you can’t have a member of the suicide squad without family issues, apparently. His dad, being a neglectful asshole, was cheating on his mom, so Mrs. Lawton, giving vindictiveness a whole new  ordered her sons to murder their dad. .While Floyd was appalled, and attempted to warn Mr. Lawton, Eddie was, disturbingly enough, all for it, locking Floyd in the bathroom and going off to do the deed.  By the time Floyd broke out of the room and grabbed his rifle, Eddie had already paralyzed his dad from the waist down. In the ensuing fit of rage, Floyd shot Eddie in the face. Psychologically disturbed by this incident (Duh), Floyd trained as a marksman, and became a master assassin, becoming a semi-frequent opponent of Batman’s, and a staple of the Suicide Squad.

While not as batshit insane or downright monstrous as the others, Deadshot is still fairly crazy, having an extremely short fuse, an indifference to the lives of the people he harms, and an intense hatred of Batman solely for being one of the few people to make him miss a shot.

… Yeah, kinda.

He also has an intense death wish, and it is suggested that the sole reason that he is a member of the Squad is because he secretly hopes that he will die as a result of a mission. And who says DC is dark?

Not me! That’s for fucking sure!!!

Lastly, if you’re one of those people who has an issue with Will Smith playing a character that is traditionally Caucasian, you need to seriously consider removing yourself from the gene pool for the good of humanity.

Harleen Quinzel/Harley Quinn

Get it? Her name, I mean? It’s okay, take your time, I’ve got all day.

First appearance: “Joker’s Favour” (Batman: The Animated Series)

Created by: Paul Dini, Bruce Timm

Portrayed by: Margot Robbie (Pan Am, The Wolf of Wall Street, Focus)

Other portrayals: Mia Sara (Birds of Prey), Hynden Walch (The Batman, Justice League: The Flashpoint Paradox, Batman: Assault on Arkham) Meghan Strange (Batman: The Brave and the Bold), Tara Strong (Arrow, Justice League: Gods and Monsters Chronicles, Batman: Arkham City, Batman: Arkham Origins, Batman: Arkham Knight, Injustice: Gods Among Us), Arleen Sorkin (DC Animated Universe, Batman: Arkham Asylum)

The most effective poster girl for Hybristophilia since Bonnie Parker, Harley Quinn is a special case in that she didn’t actually debut in the comics. In fact, she debuted on the fantastic cartoon from the Nineties as Joker’s bubbly sidekick, and skyrocketed to prominence since then, for, uh, reasons.

Harley Quinn Vol 2 9 Textless

Ahem.

Born Harleen Quinzel in the city of Brooklyn (Her accent is as much a part of her character as insanity and a black-and-red colour motif, Harley excelled in her education, getting a job as a psychologist at Arkham Asylum in Gotham City, which is a place where most Batman villains go in between prison breaks. Why anybody would willingly move to Gotham City in the first place is belong me, but whatever.

Fascinated with psychopaths, she was naturally drawn to the biggest psycho of them all, the Joker. Convinced that he had been misdiagnosed by the other shrinks, Harley continually visited him, trying to get inside his brain and learn what makes him tick.

Always a good idea, obviously.

While Dr. Quinzel was smart, she wasn’t as smart as the Joker. Manipulating her with a couple of well-placed sob stories, she eventually felt so sorry for him that she fell hopelessly in love with him.

I mean, who wouldn’t?

Believing that they were meant to be together, Quinzel adopted a jester-like persona and helped bust Joker out of prison. Overjoyed, the Joker took her to Ace Chemicals, the place where he became the Joker, and shoved her into one of the same vats of unnamed chemicals that he fell into. The chemicals have a similar effect on her as well, colouring her hair, bleaching her skin, and driving her completely bananas. Becoming Joker’s sidekick, the reborn Quinzel adopted the moniker of Harley Quinn, and took her place by Joker’s side.

Get it? Like “harlequin”. Genius, I know.

Becoming Joker’s on-and-off girlfriend and sidekick, the newly christened Harley Quinn’s life became a cycle of ultraviolence and abuse, happily plotting and murdering with her “Puddin'” or “Mistah J” one day, while getting mentally abused and smacked around by him the next, even getting shoved out of a building by her homicidal boy toy at one point for trying to kill Batman without him.

Lately though, she’s established a separate identity from Mistah J, leaving him and becoming a little more morally ambiguous than straight-up evil since joining the Suicide Squad, though she’s still prone to the occasional murder spree.

She likes animals, weirdly enough.

Fun fact: Harley Quinn’s big-screen debut was originally supposed to come in the sequel to the infamous Batman & RobinBatman Triumphant. She was going to be the co-villain along with Scarecrow. This version of the character was written as being the daughter of Jack Nicholson’s Joker from Tim Burton’s Batman, who would’ve had cameos in Batman’s flashbacks (As a result of Scarecrow’s neurotoxin). After Batman & Robin ruined the franchise (At least until Batman Begins), Triumphant was cancelled.

That’s not all though: Do you know who was rumoured to be playing such a psychologically complex character?

Motherfucking Madonna.

Ha. No.

Amanda Waller

Oprah was originally in negotiations to play her, supposedly. Take that how you will, I guess.

First appearance: Legends #1 (November 1986)

Created by: John Ostrander, Len Wein, John Byrne

Portrayed by: Viola Davis (Doubt, The Help, How to Get Away With Murder)

Other portrayals: C.C.H. Pounder (DC Animated Universe, Superman/Batman: Public Enemies, Batman: Assault on Arkham, Batman: Arkham Origins), Sheryl Lee Ralph (Young Justice), Pam Grier (Smallville), Cynthia Addai-Robinson (Arrow), Penny Johnson Jerald (Justice League: Gods of Monsters), Angela Bassett (Green Lantern)

If this series of mine has taught you one thing, it’s that, aside from Katana and Rick Flag, the Suicide Squad are awful people. Murderers, psychopaths, even a cannibal that looks like a giant crocodile. And yet, the worst person out of them all may be their leader, a non-superpowered, physically unthreatening civilian named Amanda Waller.

Born in Chicago, Waller married young and had a large family with her husband. All was well until their son, a basketball prodigy, was murdered in a mugging, and their daughter was raped and killed in an alleyway on her way home from church. Her husband set out to find the rapist, and both men were killed in the process. Understandably hardened by this experience , Waller devoted herself to her studies, earning a political science degree and earning a job in politics. Working her way to the highest levels of the US government thanks to her ruthlessness and cruelty, Waller discovered the files of the very first Suicide Squad (The one that Rick Flag’s dad was a part of) and convinced the president to re-open the program. Waller essentially took control of Belle Reve Prison, and spirited away the more dangerous supervillains for use in the program. Fixing them with remote-controlled detonation devices to prevent rebellion, she forced the Squaddies to carry out black ops missions for the US government, assassinations and the sort, and in return, they would earn reduced sentences.

Will this origin be the same in the movie? Almost certainly not, but hey, this isn’t an exact science, this is just meant as kind of a background for the characters.

Speaking of them, there’s still a few actors (Scott Eastwood and Common among them) whose characters haven’t been announced, and at that time, I’ll do another profile for their characters, but until then,uh, (Insert appropriate quote from the trailer).

I know y’all are clamouring for that King Shark profile.

To be continued… Probably…

Who the F*** Are the Suicide Squad?!?! (Part 2 of 3)

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Why is El Diablo wearing a letterman jacket?

“Why Kenny” you may be asking, “What’s up with this horrid new background colour?”

My response: I don’t fucking know, why don’t you ask WordPress? They’re the ones who changed it without consulting me, and won’t let me change it without upgrading to WordPress Premium!

I spent two hours raging at the hand that feeds, even writing a couple snippy tweets to post @Wordpress  when I could’ve been writing this post or catching up on one of the many shows that I’m behind on (Follow me on Twitter here, please and thank you!!!).

Ah well, such is life. Part 1 (Where I talked about the ever-ubiquitous characters of El Diablo, Slipknot and Katana) can be found here if you missed that. For now, let’s just get on with it.

Rick Flag

Do they make turtleneck sweaters that tight?

First appearance: The Brave and the Bold #25 (1959)

Created by: Robert Kanigher and Ross Andru

Portrayed by: Joel Kinnaman (The Killing, RoboCop, Run All Night) (Fun fact: It was originally gonna be Tom Hardy, but he dropped out due to his commitment to The Revenant)

Other portrayals: Adam Baldwin (Justice League Unlimited, Batman: Arkham Origins Blackgate) Ted Whittall (Smallville) Lex Lang (Justice League: The New Frontier)

There are a grand total of three Rick Flags in the DC Comic Universe, and as far as I know, it hasn’t been specified which one appears in Suicide Squad, exactly, but it’s a pretty safe assumption that the Rick Flag appearing into this movie is the second one, Rick Flag, Jr.

Flag’s dad, the original Ricky F, was the leader of an elite squadron of soldiers named the Suicide Squadron (No real relation). He married Sharon Race, and had a kid who, in a shocking turn of events, was also named Rick Flag. Little Ricky’s presumed happiness was short-lived when his mom was killed saving him from oncoming traffic, and his dad sacrificed himself to save an entire town from annihilation. Flag then devoted himself to the military, and was eventually recruited into the Suicide Squad.

And that’s the story of Rick Flag….. Or is it?

See, there’s a chance that Flag’s real name is actually Anthony Miller, and that he was tortured by General Wade Eiling (Another DC supervillain) and brainwashed into thinking that he’s the son of Rick Flag. So, yeah, intrigue!

Flag doesn’t have any superpowers, but he is in peak physical condition, and is a master soldier, pilot and has terrific leadership skills, being the field leader for the Suicide Squad until his character was phased out in recent years, replaced by Deadshot. He is not without his flaws, though, as he has a history of mental instability, even leading an entire Suicide Squad to their deaths during a poorly thought out mission. He doesn’t appear to be the field leader of this iteration of the Squad, due to him being both A) a lesser-known character in the comics nowadays and b) not Will Smith.

“No, it’s okay, I’ll take a supporting role in this summer blockbuster. I’ll just hang out here in the background.”- Not Will Smith, ever.

June Moon/Enchantress

And on your left, the face of Chanel!

First appearance: Strange Adventures #187 (April 1966)

Created by: Bob Haney, Howard Purcell

Portrayed by: Cara Delevingne (Paper Towns)

Other portrayals: N/A (Appeared sans lines in Justice League: The Flashpoint Paradox)

Freelance artist June Moone was visiting a creepy old castle when she wandered into a place that should’ve been left well alone, where a strange being granted her magic powers. Taking hints from Shazam, the only way that she can summon her power is by saying the word “Enchantress”, upon which an unknown, malevolent entity known only as Enchantress takes control of her. While June Moon is a sweet, innocent human being, Enchantress is cruel and ruthless, taking joy in spreading fear and chaos throughout the world. After a couple stints as a hero, her amoral, power-hungry nature got her in a conflict with Supergirl, and she was portrayed as either a villain or, at best, a jerk anti-hero.

While Enchantress was a member of the Squad for a time, I don’t know if she’ll actually be part of the team in the movie, since she only appears with the other Squaddies in the one poster, and not at all during the trailer. We’ll see, I gue-OH MY GOD!!!!!

That thing is Enchantress, by the way. And the lil’ fella in the bottom left is Superman, profusely shitting himself.

Waylon Jones/Killer Croc

You don’t see the resemblance?

First appearance: Batman #357 (March 1983)

Created by: Gerry Conway and Gene Colan

Portrayed by:  Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje (The Bourne Identity, Lost, Game of Thrones)

Other portrayals: Aron Kincaid (Batman: The Animated Series) Brooks Gardner (The New Batman Adventures) Ron Motherfucking Perlman (The Batman), Stephen Root (Batman: The Brave and the Bold), Wade Williams (Beware the Batman), Fred Tatasciore (Son of Batman), John DiMaggio (Batman Unlimited:Animal Instincts), Steven Blum (Batman: Arkham Asylum, Batman: Arkham City), Khary Payton (Batman: Arkham Origins)

Waylon Jones was a poor orphan from the slums of Tampa, Florida (Although he has occasionally been portrayed as being a Louisiana Cajun), so his upbringing would’ve been shitty enough even when you discount the fact that he was born with some sort of atavistic disorder that gave him a slightly reptilian appearance and personality. He moved in with his shithead aunt to Gotham City, which is a very slight step up from Tampa, I suppose.

Tampans, if you’re still sticking around, then you people are terrific sports, and I commend you for it.

His aunt bullied and abused him as a teen, so much so that he ended up murdering her, and turned to a life of crime. Repeated run-ins with Batman and multiple stays in the hellhole that is Arkham Asylum turned him into a hardened murderer. In addition to that loveliness, his atavism progressed to the point where he has crossed the line from “Human being that looks kinda scaly to- AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!

“FUUUUUCK YOOOOOUUUU STEEEVE IIIIRWIIIIN!!!”

I’m so relevant.

Anyways, besides his appearance, another thing that changed was OH MY FUCKING GOD TROY TULOWITZKI IS A TORONTO BLUE JAY?!?!?! WHAT FUCKING PLANET AM I LIVING ON!?!?!?!

Ahem. Sorry. Sports stuff.

Anyways, Jones’ low intelligence and tendency for primitive behaviors manifested itself into sociopathy and a taste for human flesh. I challenge Warner Bros. to make THAT PG-13.

Next Time: Captain Boomerang, Deadshot, Harley Quinn, and Amanda Waller!!!