I was sixteen years old when I first created Kenny Rollins.
You know a movie has done well by you when you spend the next few hours after seeing it wanting to beat a man to a bloody pulp.
And just like that, the last real quality YA adaptation franchise came to an end. Have fun with The 5th Wave and Divergent, plebes. Continue reading
“And they shall beat their swords into plowshares, and their spears into pruning hooks: nation shall not lift up sword against nation, neither shall they learn war any more.”
— Isaiah 2:4
Man, I hope Marvel decides to release that Captain America: Civil War trailer sometime soon. I might have to, you know, exhibit the most basic sense of creativity one of these days.
I do like doing these though, so whatever. That Deathmatch that I’ve been teasing on-and-off since late last year may have to take a backseat to this… As opposed to, y’know, taking a backseat to everything else I’ve been doing since December.
Enough shameless self-promotion! Let’s get on with it!
First appearance: Deadpool: The Circle Chave #1 (August 1993)
Created by: Fabian Nicieza, Joe Madureira
Portrayed by: T.J. Miler (Silicon Valley, Cloverfield, How to Train Your Dragon, Big Hero 6)
Other Portrayals: Cam Clarke (Marvel: Ultimate Alliance)
Jack Hammer was a highly intelligent high school student attending Midtown High, the same high school as Peter Parker, the Amazing Spider-Man, and Gwen Stacy, who he had a huge unrequited crush on. Hammer was competing with Peter for a prestigious internship under the wing of Norman Osborn (No, I’m not explaining who that is, you’ve seen the movies, goddamnit). His life went off the rails after he met a time travelling Deadpool, who was disguised as Peter Parker, for some reason. Trying to get him to loosen up (And manipulating him into fixing his teleportation belt), Deadpool took Hammer, whose destiny he was well aware of, on a drinking binge and, still disguised as Peter, relayed false information to Osborn about Hammer being a drug addict. Nice guy.
Depressed and a budding alcoholic, Hammer turned to a life of crime, adopting the identity of “Weasel” and becoming an information broker and arms dealer for mercenaries and criminals. It was through this occupation that Weasel knowingly first met Deadpool. The two became fast friends, with Weasel loyally accompanying Deadpool on his adventures.
Mind you, “loyally” might be too strong an adjective. While Weasel may have been Deadpool’s best friend (Besides Blind Al), he also had an opportunistic streak a mile long. On multiple occasions, Weasel looked like he was considering leaving Deadpool mid-battle, before Deadpool inevitably coaxed him back using some combination of sweet-talking, bullying and the promise of a subscription to the Playboy channel. While he did leave Deadpool after the latter stuffed Blind Al in the Box, he came back to the Regeneratin’ Degenerate, helping him out on his path to redemption. He later left Deadpool for good though, becoming an armoured hero named “The House” based in Las Vegas.
Tempted by that sweet, sweet green, Weasel agrees to fight Deadpool in return for funding from the local casinos, and, after a long series of double crosses, Deadpool defeated Weasel and locked him in the Box.
I had my shot, and I took it. Future generations may judge me for it, but they can all go fuck themselves. I made that joke, now I look forward to living with it.
Weasel was broken out of the Box by somebody named Macho Gomez, who I can’t possibly be arsed to look up. Joining a group of people dedicated to taking down Deadpool, the ensuing battle leads to one of my favourite Deadpool lines:
Weasel: Stupid, stupid, stupid–I never shoulda come here! Deadpool’s gonna do somethin’ horrible to me, I know it!
Deadpool: Hey, Weasel! Come over here so I can do something horrible to you!
The supervillains defeat Deadpool, but being Deadpool, he doesn’t stay down for long, ad Deadpool, apparently tired of Weasel’s flip-flopping, tracked him down and killed him.
Aside from the title character and maybe Blind Al, Weasel appears to be the most comic-faithful character adaptation, at least as far as his appearance of the trailer is concerned, in which he has a pretty hilarious back-and-forth with Deadpool.
Weasel: Motherfucker, you are hard to look at!
Deadpool: Like a testicle with teeth.
Weasel: You look like Freddy Krueger face-fucked a topographical map of Utah!
Deadpool: (Smacks table) Exactly!
Yeah, we’re in good hands here.
First appearance: Giant-Size X-Men #1 (May 1975)
Created by: Len Wein, Dave Cockrum
Portrayed by: Andre Tricoteux (Stunt performer)
Other portrayals: John Stephenson (Spider-Man and His Amazing Friends), Dan Gilvezan (Pryde of the X-Men), Rick Bennett (X-Men: The Animated Series), Robert Cait (X-Men: The Animated Series), Michael Adamthwaite (X-Men: Evolution), Nolan North (Wolverine and the X-Men), Tom Kenny (The Super Hero Squad Show), Daniel Cudmore (X2, X-Men: The Last Stand, X-Men: Days of Future Past), Christopher Corey Smith (X2: Wolverine’s Revenge), Earl Boen (X-Men Legends), Jim Ward (X-Men Legends II: Rise of Apocalypse), Brad Abrell (X-Men: The Official Game), Phil LaMarr (Marvel: Ultimate Alliance), Tim Russ (Marvel: Ultimate Alliance 2), Andre Sogliuzzo (X-Men: Destiny), Chris Cox (Marvel Heroes), John DiMaggio (Lego Marvel Super Heroes)
Piotr (Or, for those of us who don’t like puzzling over Russian pronunciations, “Peter”) Rasputin was born on the Ust-Ordynski collective farm in Soviet Siberia. He adored his younger sister, Illyana and idolized his late brother, Mikhail, a cosmonaut who died in a rocket accident. A quiet, hardworking boy who was also a talented artist. A mutant, whose powers naturally manifested themselves in adolescence. What’s his skillset, you ask? Well, only the incredibly overpowered ability to convert his body tissue into an organic, steel-like object, granting him superhuman strength. One would think that this would’ve made the Soviet authorities someone antsy, but apparently, for all it’s problems, the Soviet Union had a surprisingly liberal policy towards mutants, because Peter went on living his life on the farm, preferring to help out his friends and neighbours support the glorious Soviet regime instead of doing grandiose superheroing, failing to become the first Soviet character that isn’t just a Russian caricature.
Peter joined the second generation of the X-Men (Along With Wolverine, Storm, Nightcrawler and others), brought together by Professor X to rescue the original X-Men (Angel, Iceman, Jean Grey et al.) from Krakoa, the Living Island.
Since then, Colossus has been an integral part of the X-Men, making it all the more strange that he would appear in the Deadpool movie, considering that the X-Man that Deadpool is usually associated with is his rival, Wolverine, but I’m happy to see him regardless of the fact that Daniel Cudmore isn’t reprising the role, for some reason.
First appearance: The New Mutants #98 (February 1991)
Created by: Rob Liefeld, Fabian Nicieza
Portrayed by: Ryan Reynolds (Buried, The Nines, The Voices)
Other portrayals: Ryan Reynolds (X-Men Origins: Wolverine), Will Friedle (Ultimate Spider-Man), Takehito Koyasu (Marvel Disk Wars: The Avengers), Nolan North (Hulk Vs Wolverine, Spider-Man: Shattered Dimensions, Marvel vs. Capcom 3: Fate of Two Worlds, Marvel Heroes, Deadpool (Video Game), Lego Marvel Super Heroes, Marvel Pinball) John Kassir (X-Men Legends II: Rise of Apocalypse, Marvel: Ultimate Alliance, Marvel: Ultimate Alliance 2), Steven Blum (X-Men Origins: Wolverine (Video Game), Tom Kenny (Marvel Super Hero Squad Online)
In retrospect, I probably should’ve led with the title character, but nevertheless, here we are.
For being the main character, Deadpool’s pre-mercenary life is extremely hard to pin down. This is because, for reasons I’ll get into in a bit, Deadpool is completely insane and, like other characters that are completely nutty, like Joker and Bullseye, the mercenary formerly known as Wade Wilson’s brain is too addled to remember many details from their early years. What is universally agreed upon is that Wade Wilson was born in Canada, had an abusive childhood and became a mercenary in his late teens, after a short stint with the army. Learning that he had contracted cancer, Wade was offered salvation in the form of Department K, the Canadian wing of the Weapon X program. Becoming a guinea pig for Department K (More specifically, Doctor Killebrew and the sadistic Ajax), Wade was given a superhuman healing factor, even stronger than Wolverine’s, which allowed him to heal almost instantly from severe injuries like disemboweling and amputations, and halted the progress of his cancer, although his healing factor was so accelerated that it horribly deformed his skin, and the healing factor’s effect on his brain drove him insane. Wade’s twisted sense of humour and mental fortitude earned him the admiration of his fellow “patients”, who liked to place bets in a “deadpool” on which subjects would survive the experiments.
One day, Wade decided to mercy kill one of his friends, who was lobotomized by Ajax after the latter grew tired of Wade’s relentless taunting. Since killing another patient was strictly forbidden, Killebrew allowed Ajax to kill Wade, which he promptly did by ripping out his heart. Ajax, however, didn’t count on Wade’s incredible healing factor healing him immediately. The exertion of recuperating from having his goddamned heart torn out drove Wade over the edge, and he executed a violent breakout with his fellow patients, adopting the name “Deadpool”.
Nowadays, Deadpool is always portrayed as an anti-hero, although he did appear as a straight-up villain in his earlier appearances. He was worked as a mob enforcer and, most frequently, as a mercenary, leading him to interact with not-particularly nice people, and he became a rival of Wolverine’s, frequently going out of his way to annoy antagonize him, whether his job called for it or not. That said, he’s gradually been becoming a better person over the comics, and it’s suggested that, at his core, he just wants to be one of the good guys, but his mental condition and annoying personality don’t help matters. However, he has been a part of teams before, even being invited to join the X-Men at one point, despite not technically being a mutant.
Deadpool suffers from schizophrenia (Which sometimes manifests itself in the comics as yellow and blue text bubbles) and ultraviolent tendencies, frequently killing off his enemies in darkly comic fashion. A short fuse, Deadpool has gone so far as to shoot somebody in the face for the heinous crime of preferring the Star Wars prequels to the original trilogy. Is that a crime? Sure. Is it punishable by death?…
In addition to the near-immortality that his healing factor grants (Though he is currently dead in the comics) and his motor-mouthing tendencies (They don’t call him the “Merc With a Mouth” for nothing), Deadpool’s most notable attribute is his knowledge that he is a comic book character, treating the fourth wall like something to be routinely brutalized with a battering ram.
Originally a drunk drawing of DC Comics villain Deathstroke by Rob Liefeld, Deadpool’s popularity has skyrocketed, to the point where a movie adaptation, with Ryan Reynolds, a fan of the character, attached to play the lead role, was in development as early as 2003. Reynolds finally appeared as Wade Wilson in the godawful X-Men Origins: Wolverine, where his portrayal was praised… Until the dipshits in charge of the decision-making process decided to have his mouth sewn shut at the end.
Thankfully, fans are getting the Deadpool movie we deserve in February, so all is forgiven.
As with Suicide Squad, I’ll have more character profiles written if more characters are revealed when the next trailer drops. Hopefully, none of you learn that there are people who do this job way better than me out there.
Peace out, you sexy beasts!
To be continued…
“Those who do evil to others- the killers, the rapists, psychos, sadists- you will come to know me well. Frank Castle is dead. Call me the Punisher.”
-Frank Castle/The Punisher
I don’t know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.
-J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit