Is Boyhood Really a Modern Masterpiece???

Oh, the tears of unfathomable sadness! Yummy! Yummy!!!

It’s been nearly a month since the Oscars, and by now, regular people have already moved on with their lives, because they are well-adjusted human beings. However, because I’m the furthest possible thing from well-adjusted, I’m still beaming over Birdman winning Best Picture, even though it’s been awhile since the freaking ceremony, and the Oscars don’t mean a damn thing anyway.

As I’ve been skimming through some post-Oscars reaction stuff (In Mid-March? I repeat, what the hell is wrong with me!?!?) I’ve noticed that a lot of people (Forgive me, I couldn’t give you an exact percentage, because I don’t have THAT much free time) seem to be upset that Birdman won, the major complaint being that, while Birdman is a great movie (I wholeheartedly agree), it doesn’t hold a candle to the once-a-generation marvel that is Boyhood, the slice-of-life movie by Richard Linklater.

That, I have a little trouble believing.

See, despite all the hype surrounding it, and all the terrific reviews that the film has gotten ever since its premier at the 2014 Sundance Film Festival, I still don’t see it as much more than just a good movie that, unfortunately, doesn’t hold up that well under actual scrutiny (Not “Oh, it took twelve years to make?!?!?! PRAISE LINKLATER!!!!”)

“Linklater makes Truffaut look like an asshole!!!” -Jay Bauman

So, in the interest of putting this movie to rest, I’ve decided to go a bit beyond my actual review of it and give a few reasons why I think that, while certainly not the worst movie you’ll ever see, it doesn’t hold up. As one of the few people on Planet Earth who’s sat through the movie four times (Once for my review, once with my parents, once with my brother and once in preparation for this post).

Before really getting into it, I should point out, for the umpteenth time, that this is just my opinion. If someone was really moved by Boyhood, or thought that it really was the best movie of this century so far. If you think that, terrific. I just don’t see what the big deal is.

1. Nostalgia doesn’t make a movie good, nor does it hold up very well over time. 

This is kind of a minor point, but this movie does lean a little bit too much on getting that warm, nostalgic feeling from the audience. I’m sure I don’t need to explain this, but nostalgia does not make a movie good. Not only that, but it also serves to date the movie, so future generations may not connect to it as much as our generation apparently does. As somebody who grew up in around the same time period that the movie was set in, I don’t mind as much as I probably should, but still, the lingering shots of old Apple computers and nods to Harry Potter and the fucking Star Wars prequels aren’t going to help the movie in the years to come.

Again, not a huge complaint, but not something that sits well, either.

2. The “12-Year” gimmick: Cool technical accomplishment, not a great indicator of quality. 

According to most people, the biggest thing this movie has going for it is the fact that it was filmed over twelve years, and while I see a little bit of merit to that argument (Specifically, that Ethan Hawke and Patricia Arquette managed to keep their characters interesting for one week of filming once every year), I don’t know if that really makes the film that much better. This may be the first time a non-documentary film takes this approach, but we’ve still seen people grow up before our eyes on screen before. There’s actually an entire genre of television dedicated to it. You may recognize it, it’s called “sitcoms”.

I know, I’m uncultured, but it’s true, isn’t it? During, shit, I dunno, Full House, we actually saw those characters grow up before our eyes and develop as human beings.

For better or for worse.

Oh, shit, what about For Better or For Worse!!!???

So, yeah, as far as I’m concerned, while it was a clever decision, and it was mostly executed alright, it doesn’t really elevate the film all that much. Besides, I don’t really think that most of the credit for the whole “twelve years” concept should go to Richard Linklater, but whoever was in charge of editing all that goddamn footage into a coherent movie. Really, what was so impressive about Linklater’s direction? Seriously.

“Uh, did you not hear me mention it took twelve years to make?”

3. The main character isn’t very interesting. 

It’s not always necessary for movies to have particularly interesting protagonists. The science fiction, fantasy and action genres can attest to that. The reason that those genres have  so many blank slate protagonists is so the audience can insert themselves into the role. Someone with a very basic personality like Neo in the first Matrix (A very basic character) is a whole lot more fun to watch than he would be if he was given more than the most basic of motivations to do what he does, because if that were the case, the movie may still be enjoyable, but Neo would be a lot harder to step into the shoes of, if that makes any sense.

Mason Evans, Jr is this kind of protagonist, and it doesn’t particularly work in the movie. This character is not particularly interesting, and for a movie like this, he really should be.

See, Boyhood  is the very definition of a slice-of-life movie. These kinds of movies live and die off of the character being engaging to watch. Especially when the movie is nearly three hours long. His character arc is: Small child quietly observes everything, pre-teen quietly observes everything, whiny teenager who observes everything while also occasionally waxing bullshit philosophical. This does not exactly make for emotional investment. Seeing him grow up before your eyes doesn’t make up for his nondescript personality. I’ve known people for twelve years in real life, and I’m still indifferent towards them. Why the hell should I feel any different about this bland, boring character?

4. The wrong character was the protagonist. 

So, yeah, Mason isn’t that compelling of a character. However, Ethan Hawke and Patricia Arquette’s characters were very intriguing. Besides the fact that the performances were great, these characters are genuinely excellent and likable. Ethan Hawke is trying to stay genuine even as he’s being forced into the conventional life that he didn’t want with Patricia Arquette. Do we get more of that? No! We do get more of Mason falling out with his high school girlfriend, though! How fucking riveting! Patricia Arquette’s character also has potential! She seems attracted to unstable or even dangerous partners! She’s desperately trying to get a foothold on her life! Do we see more of that? Noooope! What the fuck do we get ?! Mason hanging out with a bunch of skeeves, breaking wooden boards, obviously! Fucking ENTHRALLING!!! Clearly, this movie is the goddamn Citizen Kane of our age!!!

5. At a certain point, the writing just becomes super terrible. 

You may have noticed, but I’m kind of a stickler for good writing in any medium. And, being a teenager, I would say I’m a pretty good judge o realistic teenage dialogue. And, folks, this ain’t it.

The first third or so of Boyhood is actually pretty great, but I feel like, right when Mason hits junior high, Linklater, the same guy who wrote Dazed and Confused, mind you, completely forgets how to write dialogue for teenagers.

I defy anybody who likes this movie (Which includes me, mind you) to defend these lines as realistic an actual teenager, or, hell, an actual person, would say.

“You know how everyone’s always saying seize the moment? I don’t know, I’m kind of thinking it’s the other way around, you know, like the moment seizes us.”

What?

“Hey, welcome to the suck.”

Every time I’ve heard that line, I’ve projectile-vomited.

“You know Jim, you’re not my dad.”

There has got to be a less cliched way to convey that sentiment.

So, yeah, maybe we should think twice before elevating Richard Linklater to God status?

if those lines didn’t convince you…

“You know that goth girl that wears a lot of Hot Topic? Well, she and I used to be best friends but we aren’t anymore because she thinks I’m a preppy, but I still like her. Anyway, she cut herself, and now she’s in the hospital, so I’m going to go visit her. Have you read the Twilight books?”

Admittedly, I’m paraphrasing. Still, though what the FUCK?!?!

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The 5 Biggest Oscar Screw-Ups of This Year’s Nominations

Even the statues seem miffed about Jake Gyllenhaal getting snubbed.

The nominations for the 87th Academy Awards were announced early Thursday morning, and, merely a year removed from the pleasant surprises that were the nominations last year, I was feeling pretty positive about the Academy’s ability to make smart decisions about who they would nominate.

And then, this clusterfuck of a ballot surfaced. Ho-ly-shit.

I’m sure there must be other colossal mistakes that just aren’t coming to me, but these are the biggest blunders that come to my mind when I think of this year’s ballot. Let’s dive right in.

5. No Recognition for Voice or Motion Capture Performances

The Oscars: Once again proudly displaying their bias against black people, women and tiny Englishmen with whiteheads all over their faces.

Look Academy, I don’t expect too much forward progress from you guys when it comes to movies that aren’t entirely live-action. Hell, it took you guys until 2001 to actually make a Best Animated Film Category, seventy-four years after the release of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. I’ll get into the animated movies later, but using this logic, we can safely assume that it’ll be sixty-one years (Seventy four years after Gollum’s appearance in The Two Towers) before motion capture gets the respect it so rightfully deserves.

I’m not saying that you give Andy Serkis a nomination for Best Supporting actor, because a) Wasn’t he the lead actor in Dawn of the Planet of the Apes? And b) I have no idea how to compare motion capture performances to live-action performances. That said, shouldn’t voice and motion actos get some kind of recognition? “Best Actor Whose Face doesn’t Appear in the Movie?” Something like that, maybe!?

4. No Best Animated Film Nomination for The Lego Movie!?!?!?!?

See Oscars? Even Benny the 80’s astronaut thinks you’re out of touch.

Let’s get one thing out of the way: Despite everybody deeming The Lego Movie to be the movie to beat in this category, I did not want The Lego Movie to win this award. I wanted How to Train Your Dragon 2 to win this award. When How to Train Your Dragon 2 upset The Lego Movie at the Golden Globe Awards, I was ecstatic. So, in a sense, I’m happy that How to Train Your Dragon 2 now has less competition for the award.

That said, The Boxtrolls over The Lego Movie? Get a goddamn clue, will you Oscars? The Boxtrolls was fine, but it was no ParaNormanThe Lego Movie was earning consideration for a screenplay nomination.

Eh, at least that annoying song was nominated, so I can’t be too mad.

3. Selma…… Where are you Selmaaa……..

Sorry guys. We clearly have a ways to go yet. 

It’s so surprising to me that the power behind Selma (Oprah Winfrey, the American equivalent of Kim Jong-un) was unable to drum up a few more nominations for the movie, especially such an important, controversial one as Selma. I haven’t seen it yet (I plan to this weekend) but I have very high expectations, given everything that I’ve heard about it so far. The Oscars, being forward thinking as always, jumped at the chance to nominate David Oyelowo, who has been described by many to be the living embodiment of Dr. King.

Oh… He wasn’t nominated? Well, surely, the Academy jumped at the chance to nominate Ava DuVernay, the first black woman to be nominated for Best Director?

No? You’re gonna nominate the guy whose movie wasn’t even nominated for Best Picture?

…You people make me sick.

2. Lead Actor Shananigans

Yeah, I feel you, buddy.

This is just ridiculous. Jake Gyllenhaal and David Oyelowo being left off of the ballot is a damn disgrace. While I may end up eating my words when I do end up seeing Selma (I doubt it) I find it hard to believe that Steve Carell in a glorified Supporting Role (Admittedly, a great performance) or Bradley Cooper in his umpteenth consecutive nomination for a movie that is getting by on Clint Eastwood’s reputation, from what I’m hearing (I still need to see American Sniper) is topping somebody who has been called a present-day embodiment of one of the biggest heros this planet has ever seen.

And ditching Jake Gyllenhaal? Ridiculous. Fuck you, Academy. What the hell are you people thinking!?

1. Two “Best Picture” Slots Left Vacant

Look at that. Even the trophies don’t feel so good about this situation.

No, I don’t agree that accepting more movies dilutes the legitimacy of the ceremony. I think that even if a bad movie (Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, for example)gets in, it’s not very likely to go anywhere when Judgement Day arrives, and that’s what really matters in the end. So when I booted up my laptop, I was so disappointed when neither Nightcrawler nor Gone Girl nor Dawn of the Planet of the Apes were nominated.

I thought I was gonna end with me guns-a-blazing, spewing vitriol, but I’m just too sad, honestly. The nominations are actually fine, mostly, it’s just that all the nominations, with the exception of Best Actor and Best Animated Film, are the safe choices, and I was also really hoping that maybe they could make some history with Ava DuVernay… I guess I’m just disappointed. Mostly pissed off, though.

Despite my whining, I’m still going to watch the Oscars in February, and I still plan on reviewing all the Best Picture nominees that I haven’t reviewed yet (What else am I going to do? Watch The Wedding Ringer?). I should have my Imitation Game review out within the next couple of days, and if I get through those relatively quick, I may review a few more of the nominated movies. You know, if I feel like it. Also, I have something special coming up that involves Batman, so keep an eye out for that.

Oh..Dark Knight was a movie that got snubbed… I’m depressed again.

A Quick Look at the Revealed DC Cinematic Universe: Part 1 of 4

‘The Guardians of the Galaxy can suck it.”

Last week, likely in response to Marvel’s announcement of the plot details to Captain America 3, Warner Bros. decided to go one further by announcing all of the movies planned for the DC Cinematic universe up to the year 2020, along with some casting details and a couple director announcements. So, was this really a hasty, impulsive announcement that doesn’t really bode well for DC’s ongoing rivalry with Marvel’s Cinematic Universe, or is this a genius publicity  move by WB that will get people to forget all about the MCU?

Definitely the former. That doesn’t mean I’m not interested though. So, after getting through the last of my TV reviews until this week’s Legend of Korra episode, I decided to take a quick look at the movie announcements, with each movie accompanied by a short blurb. Let’s do this!

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

I dunno if this is official art or not, but I really like it.

Release date: March 25, 2016

Directed by: Zack Snyder

Produced by: Charles Roven, Deborah Snyder

Screenplay by: Chris Terrio (Argo)

Story by: David S. Goyer

Cast: Henry Cavill (Superman/Clark Kent), Ben Affleck (Batman/Bruce Wayne), Gal Gadot (Wonder Woman/Diana Prince) Amy Adams (Lois Lane) Laurence Fishburne (Perry White) Diane Lane (Martha Kent) Jesse Eisenberg (Lex Luthor) Jeremy Irons (Alfred Pennyworth) Holly Hunter (U.S. Senator) Tao Okamoto (Mercy Graves)

Cameos: Jason Momoa (Arthur Curry/Aquaman) Ray Fisher (Cyborg/Victor Stone)

This is the movie that we currently have the most information on, as it’s currently the only movie that’s in production. Really, there isn’t much more to say about it. I still liked Man of Steel more than most and think that the returning cast from that movie could do a great job, I still have faith that Ben Affleck can pull Batman off (Even more so now that the photos of him in the batsuit have been released), and Jesse Eisenberg is still kinda iffy for me. I guess this is where you pull the Heath Ledger card on me, because “You don’t now if he’s gonna be great until you see him.” That’s true enough, I suppose. I guess we’ll just wait and see.

Also, high fucking time that Wonder Woman appears on the big screen. We had a damn Steel movie with Shaquille O’Neal and no Wonder Woman? Bullshit.

Suicide Squad 

I’m not sure what the fact that I find a psychopath murderess attractive? Well, I find Harley Quinn really hot. There, I said it.

Release date: August 5, 2016

Directed by: David Ayer

Screenplay by: Justin Marks

This…. This announcement really threw me off.

I just don’t get it. There was no solo Batman or Superman movie announced, and yet, a Suicide Squad movie?

The only possible reason that I can imagine why this was green-lit is that Warner Bros. saw Marvel and Disney make all the money because of Guardians of the Galaxy and thought “Hey, we can make a movie starring charming criminals who become reluctant heroes!!! Let’s do that!”

“But edgy!!!”

Regardless, I’m still pretty pumped about the movie, although I’m kinda pissed off that it doesn’t look like Harley Quinn’s gonna be in it as, morbid sexual attraction aside, I think she’s a great character. But hey, Deadshot’s gonna be there, and even if he’s got a bunch of nobodies behind him, they’re in negotiations to bring in an A-list cast of Will Smith, Ryan Gosling, Tom Hardy and Margot Robbie (Who, just saying, would be a great Harley Quinn). Also, David Ayer is a pretty highly regarded director, having helmed movies like Fury and End of Watch. I dunno, it’s bizarre, but it could pay off.

 To be continued…

The New Star Wars Cast: Part 2 of 5: The Unknowns

The original Star Wars cast was comprised mostly of unknown actors. That is, actors that, while they may have had bit parts in other films or TV shows, were far from recognizable and would’ve faded away into obscurity if they hadn’t got their big break.

Sometimes, though, even that doesn’t help.

Mark Hamill was just another aspiring actor making his way in Hollywood with small gigs here and there when his friend, fellow actor Robert Englund, suggested that he try out for a part in Star Wars. Hamill, who was already fighting for a role in Apocalypse Now, ended up heeding his terrifying friend’s advice and nailed the audition, landing him the role of the most recognizable hero in movie history. Just one of the many things we have Freddy Krueger to thank for.

I’ve found that Luke Skywalker kind of makes up for the incessant night terrors.

Harrison Ford was getting semi-steady work in TV movies, but he was mostly working as a carpenter and was initially hired by George Lucas to read lines for the actors who were actually auditioning for parts. Lucas was so impressed by his reading of the lines that he offered him, the part of Han Solo. Carrie Fisher’s grip on “unknown” status is a little bit more tenuous, as she was born into a celebrity family, but her only role before Star Wars was a small part in a romantic comedy that no one remembers, so I’ll give it to her.

I was pleased to see that the new movies are going by more or less the same route as the original trilogy. The actors chosen to play (What I assume to be) the roles of leading actor, leading lady and lead villain all have ages in the 20-30 year range who haven’t had a very large body of work. Let’s take a look at them, shall we?

(All biographical and filmographical  info can be found on their respective Wikipedia pages.)

John Boyega

Dude looks like a young Denzel Washington. But also terrifying.

Born: 17 March 1992 in Peckham, London, England

Nationality: English (Nigerian parents)

Notable role: Moses in Attack the Block.

After appearing in several plays, John Boyega first broke out in the British 2011 sci-fi comedy Attack the Block, in which he plays a street tough named Moses who must lead his gang of young, drug-dealing hoodlums in the fight against an invasive species of aliens that take over his neighborhood in Brixton (Which is to London what Harlem is to New York City, from what I’ve heard from British movies and Clash songs.

While the movie was pretty great as a whole, I found that Boyega’s performance was one of, if not the best part of the movie. Indeed, he was widely acclaimed for the film, which netted him a Black Reel Award for Best Actor (The Black Reel Awards are awards dedicated to celebrating the best black filmmakers. Kind of like the BET Awards, except not a total joke). He kind of struck the balance between being a total hardass and thug…

Can I still say “thug”? I meant “disenfranchised urban youth”.

… who can slice up a motherfucker, and being a sympathetic character. Which makes me excited about his role in the upcoming Star Wars movie, in which I’m guessing he’s going to be the lead actor. See, I really don’t want to see a movie centered around the Skywalkers and Han Solo, or their stupid children. I want to see a story about an unlikely, relatable hero saving the day, and John Boyega seems like the type of actor who could deliver in that regard. He has real potential to make a very good first impression, as he’s a better actor than Mark Hamill was in the first Star Wars movie (Call it Episode IV, I dare you) and  miles better than whoever the fuck the protagonist was supposed to be in The Phantom Menace.

Catch him next in: Half of a Yellow Sun 

Daisy Ridley

Purrty.

Born: 1992

Nationality: English

Notable role: ….

Man, does anybody know anything about Daisy Ridley? She is pretty much the textbook definition of an unknown actress. The most I know is that she’s had a few minuscule roles in BBC shows and a small upcoming role in a British comedy film named The Inbetweeners 2. Speaking of which, has anyone actually watched the original British Inbetweeners show? I’ve heard it’s good.

Anyways, I’m guessing that Ridley is going to have the leading female role in the movie, although they’re not done casting female roles, apparently. I guess it speaks volumes that she apparently beat out 12 Years a Slave star and Oscar winner Lupita Nyong’o, so I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt.

Also, she’s insanely hot. Just saying.

Catch her next in: The Inbetweeners 2

Adam Driver

What are you doing, buddy?

Born: November 19, 1983 in San Diego, California

Nationality: American

Notable role: Adam Sackler in Girls

Now that I think about it, Adam Driver might not be able to be considered an unknown anymore, since he’s won a damn Emmy for his supporting role in the HBO comedy Girls, and he’s had some supporting roles in movies. Matbe I should have gone  with Domhnall Gleeson- ah, screw it.

Driver is widely rumoured to be playing the villain in the new Star Wars and, well, offhand, I can’t think of a reason why he shouldn’t play the part. I’d need to check out Girls though (The TV show, not.. Okay, well that too, I guess). Maybe after I finish this new Game of Thrones season.

Oh fuck! I’ve still gotta finish that Game of Thrones series! Shit!

Catch him next in: Girlsor the upcoming 2015 sci-fi movie, Midnight Special.

To be continued…

The New Star Wars Cast: Part 1 of 5: The Introduction to this Thing I’m Doing

“Black man, white woman, white man! Alright, the diversity quota’s been filled, let’s shoot this son of a bitch.” -J.J. Abrams

Well, I can’t very well pretend this shit didn’t happen, can I?

First, a little backstory: Shortly after filming the wildly successful 60’s period piece/coming of age movie,  1973’s American Grafitti, young writer and director George Lucas started filming his next project, an epic science fiction adventure movie known only as Star Wars, starring up-and-comers Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher and Lucas’s carpenter, Harrison Ford.

Filming the movie was a total  goddamn mess. The actors, especially Ford and veteran supporting actor Alec Guinness, thought the film was a total joke,with Carrie Fisher being the only one with any faith in it.  The whole cast didn’t really get along, and George Lucas was extremely frustrated, sinking into depression, with the cast teasing him about it and his relatively limited directing ability. Anthony Daniels, who played a robot, suffered a nasty leg injury when he wore the suit for the first time, and even Mother Nature didn’t cooperate, blessing the set with a heavy rainstorm… In Tunisia.

Fucking TUNISIA.

But the movie, which went $3 million over budget and was thought by the actors and studio executives to be a surefire bomb, was released on May 25, 1977 and instantly became not only the third highest-grossing movie of all time, but also a worldwide pop culture phenomenon. As it turned out, the constant on-set adversity helped Lucas and his peons churn out a damn near perfect adventure movie. The success of the film prompted two sequels (Both written, but not directed by Lucas), 1980’s The Empire Strikes Back (Which is wildly considered to be one of the greatest movie of all time along with it’s predecessor) and 1983’s Return of the Jedi (Which could’ve done without the Ewoks, but is still pretty great). which ended up inspiring potential directors, actors and writers the world over. Even today the impact of the trilogy can still be felt. And the movies still hold up as well. I was born thirteen years after Jedi came out, and all three of these movies are among my top 20 favourites, with Star Wars and Empire easily ranking in the top 5.

However. things started to fall apart after that.

After finishing off the wonderful Indiana Jones franchise, Lucas started penning the infamous script to what was to be the first in a prequel trilogy to the story of Star Wars. Titled The Phantom Menace, Lucas, forsaking his original strategy of casting whichever actor, unknown or famous, that gave the best performance,  immediately started casting big-name actors that would guarantee big box office draws. Liam Neeson! Samuel L. Jackson! Ewan MacGregor!

This fucking kid!

Long story short, apart from a few visual effect, Natalie Portman’s glorious midriff and Mr. Plinkett’s best reviews,  the prequels are more or less universally regarded as some of the biggest missed opportunities in cinematic history. Sure, they made George Lucas a shitload of money, but millions of fans around the world felt betrayed that such a beloved series could be do mercilessly tarnished.

And then, Disney happened.

In 2012, Disney bought Lucasfilm, which meant two things: Kingdom Heart’s roster is going to be increased tenfold and b) another Star Wars trilogy was going to be made, stat.

After a director was announced (Disney wisely went with the popular choice of “Not George Lucas”) we didn’t hear anything about the casting except that Hamill, Fisher, Ford, Daniels, Peter Mayhew and Kenny Baker were set to reprise their roles from the original movies. Then, on April 29th, the cast was revealed. And boy, is it ever a doozy.

Now, if you want a list of the cast, I’m sure you can find one at a Reputable News Source. However, over the next week or so, I’m going to take time out of my busy schedule of  listening to Blink-182 and weeping to offer a profile on each of the actors and my opinions on their casting. Since I’m not doing a fucking 5000 review post. I split the actors into four categories:

  1. The Unknowns
  2. The Somewhat/Very Established Newcomers
  3. The Original Sidekicks 
  4. The OG3 

So stay tuned, dear readers. I’m putting on my Nerd hat and doing a thorough analysis of each of these thespians.

Or typing a few paragraphs until I see a shiny object. Whichever.

A message of congratulations to the Toronto Blue Jays

Wow, you almost can’t tell that Sergio Santos just turned in the worst relief appearance in Blue Jays history. Almost.

Dear Toronto Blue Jays front office, management and players:

You played a fantastic pair of games yesterday. You have nothing to be ashamed about. Honest! Most teams would tremble at the thought of facing the mighty Minnesota Twins. Never mind that Joe Mauer schmuck. Most anybody would be damn near terrified to face the wrath of such perennial all-stars such as Chris Herrmann and Kurt Suzuki. No wonder you all  pitched around Josmil Pinto the way that you guy did. I would have too. Sure, he’s barely hitting .200, but it’s still early and a superstar like him is bound to break out at any time.

Seen Here: Josmil “The Destroyer of Worlds” Pinto.

It’s a wonder that you made it to the seventh inning with a lead, frankly. Even with the marvelous four innings that Dustin McGowan threw, giving up only three runs, six hits and four walks, you still held on to a pitiful 5-3 lead. Don’t get me wrong though, you should all count yourselves very lucky to hold a lead against a team that smart money has picked to finish second-last only to the Astros in the American League.

John Gibbons doesn’t need to blame himself for this. It’s not his fault that his brilliant strategy of “taking good, solid pitchers like Neil Wagner and Brett Cecil out of the game way before they’re out of gas” didn’t work out. All revolutionary actions are bound to hit a rough spot at some point,mainly due to the fact that they’re highly illogical,  but they’re also eventually recognized for the sheer brilliance that they are, no matter how much of a toll they take on your bullpen.

Or, in some cases, your life expectancy.

And could you really blame Sergio Santos for his implosion of Ricky Romero-like proportions? I’m not even gonna joke about this anymore, because there is no positive way to spin this. Three wild pitches in an inning? Are you fucking serious? I’ve seen Little Leaguers pitch better innings than that.

I’m sorry that this post is so irrelevant to my usual topics and filled with pretty mean-spirited sarcasm, but I really needed to vent about this and it was either using this creative outlet or screaming wordless cries of pain.

Game of Thrones Death List (Part 2 of 3) SPOILERS AHEAD

DISCLAIMER: Game of Thrones spoilers lay ahead. If you haven’t caught up with the rest of us, then a) seriously reconsider your life choices and b) read a different post on my wonderful blog. I can’t even type that without snickering. 

Also, I haven’t read the novels, so don’t spoil anything for me, pretty please. 

 

I originally had this series very neatly laid out. It was to be divided into three posts, each with three characters, and each to be released after the first three episodes of the season. However, I didn’t count on George R.R. Martin doing something unexpected: He actually killed off someone who deserved to die. There’s a first time for everything, I suppose.

If there’s one message I’m taking away from Game of Thrones, it’s to have a private wedding when I get married. Also, if you hear this song at any point during a wedding, it’s time to get the fuck outta there.

Anyways, time to get on with it!

 

Petyr Baelish

Also known as “Littlefinger”. Nice soul patch, dickhead.

House: Baelish

Allegiance: Himself

 

I tried to like Littlefinger.  I really really did.

He’ smart, witty, and there was a sympathetic element to him, especially concerning his past with Catelyn Tully and his history with the Starks. He seemed like the kind of guy who could be sympathetic and one of my favourite characters, but still be an ambitious semi-antagonist to the Starks.

And then, he revealed his true colours. A treasonous, petty, honourless  little shit who desires nothing more than to make those more privileged than him suffer,  and who betrays Ned Stark and doesn’t exactly endear himself to the audience by creeping on Sansa Stark and giving Roz to Joffrey, a psychotic sexual sadist, who fills her full of crossbow bolts. Nice. Also, deciding to marry Lysa Arryn dosn’t exactly do your image any good.

Tywin Lannister

For God’s sake, could somebody punch this old fuck’s smug face in already?

House: Lannister

Allegiance: Tommen Baratheon now, I guess.

 

Genocidal, ruthless and cold towards even his oh so important family, the Lannister family’s patriarch is probably the most powerful person in the kingdom, and will do anything in his power to make sure his house comes out on top, which is weird, considering that the only people in his family that he seems to like are his late wife Joanna, his brother, Kevan and his son, Jaime, kind of.

Indifference towards his family isn’t Tywin’s only crime though. He psychologically tortures his youngest son, Tyrion, orders the massacre of all but two of the Targaryen children, hardly batting an eyeash when Gregor Clegane does so in addition to a raping spree and, most famously, he orders the infamous Red Wedding, resulting in the destruction of the Stark and Tully families. He props up Joffrey’s regime, though it is unsure what his next move will be now that that’s over.

Personally, I’m hoping he hooks up with Olenna Redwynne. I think they make a cute old couple. even if one of them is an amoral genocidal asshole.

To be continued…