Category Archives: Movie Reviews

Batman v Superman: The Fallout- Part 1 (SPOILERS INCLUDED)

Make out. MAKE OUT, DAMMIT.

Almost three years ago, the world was blessed/cursed (decide for yourself) with Zack Snyder’s reboot of the Superman franchise: Man of Steel. Man of Steel proved to be… Uh… Let’s succumb to massive understatement and say it was divisive. Some people (myself included) really liked it. Others think it was the worst thing to happen to the character since The Quest for Peace, a movie so atrocious it single-handedly crippled Christopher Reeve’s career.

I’m going to hell for that one.

Despite the mixed reaction, Man of Steel made enough money to get a sequel greenlit, which was originally announced as being another Superman movie, but was eventually revealed during Comic-Con as being both a Batman and Superman movie. This was huge news. Even people who have never entered a comic book store can tell you the basic plot points of Superman and Batman’s origin stories. Shit, even people in North Korea can tell you that the two characters were both created by Kim il-Sung as satires of Western imperialism so subtle that our backwards capitalist lizard-brains have yet to notice them as being anything other than cool characters who dress funny. This movie was going to make BANK, regardless of whether it was actually good or not. And now, in 2016, here we are, almost one month after the movie’s release. And boy, was it ever…. Well, it was something.

Now, I’ve seen Batman v Superman: World’s Finest (See Warner Bros.? That’s a GOOD title. And not much sillier than Dawn of Justice, either!) multiple times, and I’ve given myself some time to process my feelings on the film. I know that everybody who didn’t love the movie is kinda sick about hearing about it at this point, but oh well.

SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT 

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Bridge of Spies (Movie Review)

Fun fact: Eastern Bloc states were always coloured in various shades of dull, depression-inducing blue.

Before beginning this review, I should point out to any impresionable folks who may read my stuff that when I implied that, at the end of my Deadpool review, I gave that movie a rating of 10/10 because 20th Century Fox paid me to do so, I was totally joking. The rating is the least important part of the review to me, and  I would never compromise my journalistic integrity or whatever by accepting money and other rewards from studios, even studios owned by the benevolent genius that is Rupert Murdoch.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be stuffing the Best Picture ballot box with votes for The Revenant, easily my favourite picture of the year. And after doing so, I will absolutely NOT be taking a ride in my private jet with the FOX logo plastered on its side, accompanied by a harem of hookers and mountains of blow.

That’s ridiculous.

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Deadpool (Movie Review)

To witness this is to witness the face of god.

Holy shit, it’s been a while, hasn’t it?

To be fair to myself, you try to write two papers and four exams in a three-week period and still have the energy to post a Bridge of Spies review and/or X-Men profile that deftly incorporates insightful critiques with an overwhelming amount of F-bombs and dick jokes. Not so easy, is it (please don’t respond to me if you do find it that easy).

Anyways, here’s a movie about a pansexual gun for hire and the girl he loves.

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Spotlight (Movie Review)

 

“We’ve come for all your Oscars.”

From directing one of the worst shitbags of the year (Look for him somewhere) to directing what looks to be the Best Picture frontrunner at this point in time. Thomas McCarthy has had a strange year, hasn’t he?

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Half-Assed End-Of-the-Year Round-up (Plus 2016 Housekeeping!)

Oh, Murder-Horse, how I’ve missed you!

Happy Belated New Year, you filthy animals!!!

I’m sorry for the continuing lack of activity over the holidays, but to be fair, it’s hard to do a lot of writing when you’re busy ringing in the new year with gusto.

Of course, when I say “ringing in the new year” I obviously mean “getting drunk on bathtub moonshine, loudly proclaiming my love for Brie Larson in the middle of Churchill Square in the afternoon and making the street urchins I have chained up in my basement dance to the Pokemon theme song for my amusement”.

“No, it’s step one-one-two on the second chorus! Dammit Timmy, don’t make me release the rats again!”

Yes, my parents are proud of me. Why do you ask?

Anyway, with 2015 now being spoken of in the past tense, I figured now was the ideal time to both do some minor housekeeping  and do some extremely quick reviews for any 2015 movies that I haven’t had the chance to comment on yet.

First, some aforementioned housekeeping stuff:

  • For the most part, business as usual will continue. I will write mostly movie reviews, and (hopefully more often) other things. Occasionally, I may attempt a joke. It will end badly.
  • It’s getting into Oscar season and, as usual, I need to get on reviewing some of THOSE movies. If I get around to it, i may look at the Razzie movies too (shudder).
  • My Top 20 Best Movies of 2015 list isn’t coming out until after I’ve seen the movies that I need to see for Oscar season. Otherwise, that’d be pretty stupid of me, wouldn’t it?
  • DeathMatch is dead. I’m sorry for anybody who really liked that (I’m sure there was maybe one of you), but I kind of don’t want to do it anymore, and the response I got (or lack thereof) in the last post just doesn’t justify me keeping it going. I enjoy doing Who the Fuck!?!? much more, anyways.
  • As usual, comments are welcome and appreciated. Just know that my tolerance for spam, racism, sexism, homophobia and general dickheadishness is low. This comment section is not a democracy. It is a totalitarian regime, and I am Supreme Leader. will only earn you a cruel response from me viciously attacking everything about you, followed by prompt deletion of your comment.  Don’t like it? Start your own shitty blog.

           Mind you, I’ve only ever needed to delete one comment, so I’m not                  too worried about needing to exercise the BanHammer. This counts              as a Fair Warning, though.

Now that that shit’s out of the way, it’s time for some extremely quick, extremely poorly done reviews!

(Note: On the off-chance that any of these movies are nominated for Best Picture, I’ll be sure to do a full review)

The Gunman

Plot: Sean Penn spends two hours showing us his abs.

Thoughts: The solid action from director Pierre Morel and star Sean Penn doesn’t excuse the uninteresting plot, boring pace, and waste of both Javier Bardem and Idris Elba.

Rating: 3.5/10

The Man from U.N.C.L.E.

Plot: An American spy (Henry Cavill), a Russian spy (Armie Hammer) and a German civilian (Alicia Vikander) must team up to stop Italian fascists from ending the world, or some shit.

Thoughts: It figures that an American would be played by an Englishman, a Russian would be played by an American, and a German would be played by a Swede, doesn’t it?

Anyways, The Man from U.N.C.L.E. is a solid throwback to the spy movies of yore. Does that make it anything special? Hell to-the-no, but it’s definitely not bad.

Rating: 6.5/10

What We Do In the Shadows

Plot: Some folks from Flight of the Conchords made a movie about vampires living in modern-day Wellington, NZ. It’s just as fucking awesome as it sounds.

Thoughts: Why are you still reading this shitty blog after reading this premise? Watch the fucking movie!

Rating: 8.5/10

Me and Earl and the Dying Girl

Plot: Greg (Thomas Mann) is forced by his parents to befriend Rachel (Olivia Cooke), who, you may have guessed, has terminal cancer. Hilarity ensues.

Thoughts: If you’ve ever read a John Green book, you probably know some of the more basic beats of this movie, but that doesn’t make it any less impressive in its execution and emotional impact. Also, RJ Cyler is fucking hilarious.

Rating: 9/10

Turbo Kid 

Plot: In the dystopian hellhole of a future that is 1997, a teenage boy (Munro Chambers) and a free-spirited girl (Laurence Leboeuf) must team up against a tyrannical warlord (Michael Ironside).

Thoughts: It’s extremely violent, fully aware of how silly it is and overindulges in the fact that it’s an 80’s movie released in 2015. And god bless it for that.

Rating: 9/10

Dope

Plot: Malcolm Adekanbi (Shameik Moore) is a geeky, hardworking high school senior from the not-so-friendly town of Inglewood, California who, through no real fault of his own, gets mixed up in some less-than-savoury activities. Hilarity ensues.

Thoughts: Watch Dope. Why? Cuz it’s DOPE.

What’s that? I can’t hear you over how DEAD-ON that shit was!!!

Beasts of No Nation

Plot: A West African boy is separated from his family during a civil war and joins up with a rebel group as a child soldier. Hilarity ensues.

Thoughts: It’s harrowing and dramatic, but also incredibly acted by Idris Elba and newcomer Abraham Attah, as well as beautifully shot by Cary Joji Fukunaga (Who doubled as cinematographer and director). Sure, it’s violent and heartbreaking, but that doesn’t make it any less of a must-see.

Rating: 9.5/10

 

 

Star Wars: The Force Awakens (SPOILER FREE Movie Review)

If I have to hear one more bullshit fan theory about Jar-Jar Binks, I’m going to go on a murder spree.

Honestly, I actually had stuff I wanted to post before reviewing Star Wars. I had a WTF for X-Men: Apocalypse on the docket. I had a review of Spotlight in development. Hell, I may have gotten around to finishing the last two entries in that DeathMatch that I’ve procrastinated on for around a year now. But once The Force Awakens took over the world, there was no way I was getting anything done before seeing the most anticipated movie on Planet Earth (I’m not exactly the outlier in this case. It was my most anticipated movie of 2015).

Before getting into the review, I should clarify that this is meant to be a SPOILER-FREE space. If anybody in the comments spoils the movie for those who have yet to see the movie, no matter if they meant any harm or not, their comment is getting removed, no exception. If you feel like spoiling the movie anyways, because you take pleasure in that sort of thing, then I feel the need to point out that you are literally festering human garbage. I shouldn’t have to do this, because I have a fairly limited reader  base (and those who usually comment are pretty awesome), but there you go. On with the review.

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