Quick Oscar Thoughts

Let the rampant whining from fanboys begin.

It’s an important milestone in any movie fan’s life when he or she comes to the realization that the people voting for the Oscars are little more than old white men jerking off other old white men. That doesn’t mean he or she can’t enjoy the ceremonies, and the nominated movies, but, you know, let’s maybe not take the opinion of a group composed mostly of out-of-touch all that seriously.

 

Never forget.

With that said, I still enjoy bitching and moaning about the movies, because literally nothing gives me more joy than bitching and moaning about trivial shit.

And yes, like last year, I will watch and review all of the Best Picture nominees this year. I’ve already reviewed The Martian, Mad Max: Fury Road and Spotlight, and I need to get to watching The Big Short, Bridge of Spies, Brooklyn, The Revenant (Which I should see this weekend, with any luck) and Room.

With that out of the way, it’s time to make some observations about the nominations for the 88th Academy Awards.

“Fuck movies!!!”

• Try saying the words “Academy Award Nominated Film” and “Fifty Shades of Grey” in the same sentence. Did you and everyone around you start vomiting blood? That sounds about right.
• When Marnie Was There getting nominated made me really happy. The nomination is a nice (Possible) send-off for Studio Ghibli.
• If you look closely, you can see Jennifer Lawrence morphing into Meryl Streep before our very eyes. “
• Regardless of whether or not he deserves it, I want Sylvester Stallone to win Best Supporting Actor. Then, I want Over the Top to be re-released on Blu-Ray, with Stallone on the cover in all his insanely-proportioned glory, as well as the words “STARRING OSCAR-WINNING ACTOR SYLVESTER STALLONE” proudly emblazoned above the title. If anybody can make this happen, I will happily worship them as a sort of major deity.
• The next time I hear somebody mispronouncing “Iñarritu”, I’m going to get medieval on them with a steel pipe. Look it up, it’s really not that fucking hard.
• Oh, and it’s pronounced “Seer-sha” Ronan. Mispronouncing that is much more forgivable, though. Irish names are goddamned ridiculous.

“Caoimhseach” is apparently pronounced “kweev-shock”. Fuck Ireland, amirite?

• Adam McKay has been nominated for a Best Director Oscar before Christopher Nolan. I await delicious fanboy tears.
• I’ve said this before, but I’ll say it again: Just give Leo his fucking Oscar so we can move on with our goddamn lives.
• Once again, the Oscars only fill eight of their ten Best Picture slots. Because as their slogan goes, “Fuck movies!!!”.
• Movie fans continue to question if there should maybe be some nomination for voice and mo-cap performances, and the Academy continues to close its eyes, cover its ears and scream “Come Sail Away” at the top of its lungs.
• There is one reason that Straight Outta Compton and Beasts of No Nation got no love. And it rhymes with “Wacism”. Don’t get me wrong: I realize that the Oscars should be meritocratic, but when you only nominate one non-white actor or director in two years, the accusations of racism can’t be taken with a grain of salt.

” We gave 12 Years a Slave the Oscar. What more do you want from us? Acknowledgement?!?! Fuck you. And on top of that, Fuck movies.”- The Academy