2016 has only recently taken the wheel from 2015, and you know what that means!
That’s right! It’s time for my list of Top Ten 2016 Movies That Will Inevitably Disappoint Me!
…Er, I mean, Top 10 Most Anticipated Movies! Man, the fact that Chappie was on my list last year has really jaded me.
Before we get into it, I should point out that as I’m writing this, I’ve just come back from seeing The Hateful Eight. As a result, I cannot stop myself from shaking and pounding back shots of vodka mixed with whatever medicine I can pull out of my bathroom cabinet. S’fine though. As long as the ghost of Vivien Leigh would SHUT UP FOR ONE DAMN MINUTE, I’ll be okay.
Whatever, let’s just do this.
Jason Bourne 5
The Nice Guys
Everybody Wants Some
Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them
Elvis & Nixon
Directed by: Paul Feig
Starring: Kristen Wiig, Melissa McCarthy, Kate McKinnon, Chris Hemsworth, Neil Casey, Andy Garcia
I don’t think I was alone when I privately voiced my skepticism on the intelligence of rebooting Ghostbusters. Then they announced the fantastic cast and the fact that Paul Feig is directing, and I grew infinitely more confident that this reboot is gonna turn out infinitely better than other recent reboots of respected comedic properties.
9. The Jungle Book
Directed by: Jon Favreau
Starring: Neel Sethi, Bill Murray, Ben Kingsley, Idris Elba, Scarlett Johansson, Lupita Nyong’o, Giancarlo Esposito, Christopher Walken
The awesome trailer helped, but the fact that Christopher Walken is playing King Louie really is the clincher for me.
Fun fact: While King Louie was an orangutan and important character in the original Disney animated film, he did not originate from Rudyard Kipling’s novel. Also, orangutans never actually existed in India, where the story takes place. The new movie attempts to remedy that by making King Louie a Gigantopithecus. What the shit is a Gigantopithecus, you ask? Well, it’s a fucking horrifying extinct ape that resembled an orangutan and could be up to three goddamned meters tall and weigh over five hundred kilos.
Problem is, Gigantopithecus was extinct long before the time period depicted in The Jungle Book. In fact, an orangutan probably would’ve been much more plausible, now that I think of it.
8. Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice
Directed by: Zack Snyder
Starring: Henry Cavill, Ben Affleck, Amy Adams, Jesse Eisenberg, Diane Lane, Laurence Fishburne, Jeremy Irons, Holly Hunter, Gal Gadot
A couple months ago, Batman v Superman probably would’ve topped this list, but the second trailer really took the wind out of my hype sails a bit.
SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH, LEIGH! GONE WITH THE WIND IS NOBODY’S FAVOURITE MOVIE!!!
… Who’s fucking with my medicine?…
Anyway, the second trailer sucked ass, the movie gives off the impression of being overstuffed, and I’m not even close to sold on Jesse Eisenberg as Lex Luthor. Also, while I did enjoy Man of Steel, I liked it more in spite of Zack Snyder than because of him.
That said, the movie still looks quite good to me, and I’m still extremely excited, but we shall see.
7. Doctor Strange
Directed by: Scott Derrickson
Starring: Benedict Cumberbatch, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Rachel McAdams, Michael Stuhlbarg, Mads Mikkelsen, Tilda Swinton
How much do you want to bet that before this movie comes out, the Internet Stupidity Brigade is gonna realize that this is a somewhat lesser-known Marvel property and declare that this will be Marvel’s first financial flop, like they did with Guardians of the Galaxy and Ant-Man. And then it’ll do perfectly well. Because the Marvel Cinematic Universe, like Stan Lee, will just never fucking die.
6. X-Men: Apocalypse
Directed by: Bryan Singer
Starring: James McAvoy, Michael Fassbender, Jennifer Lawrence, Oscar Isaac, Nicholas Hoult, Rose Byrne, Tye Sheridan, Sophie Turner, Olivia Munn, Lucas Till, Alexandra Shipp, Evan Peters, Kodi Smit-McPhee, Ben Hardy, Lana Condor, Josh Helman
Oscar Isaac looks fine. Stop bitching, everyone.
Also, the Who the F*** series for Apocalypse is coming back soon, so keep an eye out for that.
Directed by: Tim Miller
Starring: Ryan Reynolds, Morena Baccarin, Ed Skrein, T.J. Miller, Gina Carano, Brianna Hildebrand, Stefan Capicic, Leslie Uggams, Jed Rees
I’ve already pretty much decided that there’s no way I’m not going to like Deadpool. If the brilliant marketing campaign is any indication, it’s essentially just going to be the Deadpool comic on screen. That is so much more than I could have hoped for after the fetid piece of trash that is X-Men Origins: Wolverine.
I SAID SHUT YOUR GODDAMN FACE, GHOST OF VIVIAN LEIGH! WHERE’S TIMMY THE URCHIN?!?! I’M GONNA MAKE HIM SING AVE MARIA FOR A FEW HOURS…..
4. A Monster Calls
Directed by: Juan Antonio Bayona
Starring: Lewis MacDougall, Liam Neeson, Felicity Jones, Sigourney Weaver, Toby Kebbell
Readers who’ve been paying close attention know that my favourite author is Patrick Ness, who wrote my favourite books of all time, the Chaos Walking trilogy. Seriously, if Chaos Walking hasn’t become mandatory reading for every denizen of Earth in five years, then humanity is doomed.
Another amazing book from Ness is A Monster Calls, which everybody should read right now. Seriously. Drop whatever you’re going through in your life right now and get to reading it and you’ll see why I’m so excited for this movie.
3. Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
Directed by: Gareth Edwards
Starring: Felicity Jones, Mads Mikkelsen, Diego Luna, Riz Ahmed, Ben Mendelsohn, Donnie Yen, Jiang Wen, Forest Whitaker, Alan Tudyk, Jonathan Aris
STAAR WAAAAAAAARS, NOTHING BUT STAAAR WAAAAAAAAARS………..
2. Suicide Squad
Directed by: David Ayer
Starring: Will Smith, Margot Robbie, Joel Kinnaman, Jai Courtney, Cara Delevigne, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, Jay Hernandez, Adam Beach, Viola Davis, Jared Leto
In a DC Cinematic Universe that has been criticized (Admittedly, rightly so) for being grim and depressing, it’s nice to have a movie in that series that’s actually supposed to be grim and depressing. Yes, it’s weird (and overly Frank Miller-y) that the Joker has grills and tattoos, but shit, you don’t think Jared Leto can pull it off after watching that trailer?
1. Captain America: Civil War
Directed by: Anthony & Joe Russo
Starring: Chris Evans, Robert Downey, Jr., Scarlett Johansson, Sebastian Stan, Anthony Mackie, Emily VanCamp, Don Cheadle, Jeremy Renner, Chadwick Boseman, Paul Bettany, Elizabeth Olsen, Paul Rudd, Frank Grillo, Daniel Bruhl, William Hurt, Tom Holland, Martin Freeman
If I have to explain why I’m so excited about this movie, then you’re clearly new. Hi, welcome to my site! My name’s Kenny Rollins, and I write sometimes. Most of the time, I abuse illicit substances, curse out ghosts of long-dead actresses and make a street urchin dance for my amusement, but check back when I do write, I guess.