The Revenant (Movie Review)

Insert joke about deserving an Oscar here.

Bring a winter coat for this one. Trust me.

Quick Oscar Thoughts

Let the rampant whining from fanboys begin.

It’s an important milestone in any movie fan’s life when he or she comes to the realization that the people voting for the Oscars are little more than old white men jerking off other old white men. That doesn’t mean he or she can’t enjoy the ceremonies, and the nominated movies, but, you know, let’s maybe not take the opinion of a group composed mostly of out-of-touch all that seriously.

 

Never forget.

With that said, I still enjoy bitching and moaning about the movies, because literally nothing gives me more joy than bitching and moaning about trivial shit.

And yes, like last year, I will watch and review all of the Best Picture nominees this year. I’ve already reviewed The Martian, Mad Max: Fury Road and Spotlight, and I need to get to watching The Big Short, Bridge of Spies, Brooklyn, The Revenant (Which I should see this weekend, with any luck) and Room.

With that out of the way, it’s time to make some observations about the nominations for the 88th Academy Awards.

Top 10 Most Anticipated Movies of 2016

Anybody who doesn’t like superhero movies isn’t going to be the biggest fan of this list.

2016 has only recently taken the wheel from 2015, and you know what that means!

That’s right! It’s time for my list of Top Ten 2016 Movies That Will Inevitably Disappoint Me!

Spotlight (Movie Review)

 

“We’ve come for all your Oscars.”

From directing one of the worst shitbags of the year (Look for him somewhere) to directing what looks to be the Best Picture frontrunner at this point in time. Thomas McCarthy has had a strange year, hasn’t he?

Half-Assed End-Of-the-Year Round-up (Plus 2016 Housekeeping!)

Oh, Murder-Horse, how I’ve missed you!

Happy Belated New Year, you filthy animals!!!

I’m sorry for the continuing lack of activity over the holidays, but to be fair, it’s hard to do a lot of writing when you’re busy ringing in the new year with gusto.

Of course, when I say “ringing in the new year” I obviously mean “getting drunk on bathtub moonshine, loudly proclaiming my love for Brie Larson in the middle of Churchill Square in the afternoon and making the street urchins I have chained up in my basement dance to the Pokemon theme song for my amusement”.

“No, it’s step one-one-two on the second chorus! Dammit Timmy, don’t make me release the rats again!”

Yes, my parents are proud of me. Why do you ask?

Anyway, with 2015 now being spoken of in the past tense, I figured now was the ideal time to both do some minor housekeeping  and do some extremely quick reviews for any 2015 movies that I haven’t had the chance to comment on yet.

First, some aforementioned housekeeping stuff:

• For the most part, business as usual will continue. I will write mostly movie reviews, and (hopefully more often) other things. Occasionally, I may attempt a joke. It will end badly.
• It’s getting into Oscar season and, as usual, I need to get on reviewing some of THOSE movies. If I get around to it, i may look at the Razzie movies too (shudder).
• My Top 20 Best Movies of 2015 list isn’t coming out until after I’ve seen the movies that I need to see for Oscar season. Otherwise, that’d be pretty stupid of me, wouldn’t it?
• DeathMatch is dead. I’m sorry for anybody who really liked that (I’m sure there was maybe one of you), but I kind of don’t want to do it anymore, and the response I got (or lack thereof) in the last post just doesn’t justify me keeping it going. I enjoy doing Who the Fuck!?!? much more, anyways.
• As usual, comments are welcome and appreciated. Just know that my tolerance for spam, racism, sexism, homophobia and general dickheadishness is low. This comment section is not a democracy. It is a totalitarian regime, and I am Supreme Leader. will only earn you a cruel response from me viciously attacking everything about you, followed by prompt deletion of your comment.  Don’t like it? Start your own shitty blog.

           Mind you, I’ve only ever needed to delete one comment, so I’m not                  too worried about needing to exercise the BanHammer. This counts              as a Fair Warning, though.

Now that that shit’s out of the way, it’s time for some extremely quick, extremely poorly done reviews!

(Note: On the off-chance that any of these movies are nominated for Best Picture, I’ll be sure to do a full review)

The Gunman

Plot: Sean Penn spends two hours showing us his abs.

Thoughts: The solid action from director Pierre Morel and star Sean Penn doesn’t excuse the uninteresting plot, boring pace, and waste of both Javier Bardem and Idris Elba.

Rating: 3.5/10

The Man from U.N.C.L.E.

Plot: An American spy (Henry Cavill), a Russian spy (Armie Hammer) and a German civilian (Alicia Vikander) must team up to stop Italian fascists from ending the world, or some shit.

Thoughts: It figures that an American would be played by an Englishman, a Russian would be played by an American, and a German would be played by a Swede, doesn’t it?

Anyways, The Man from U.N.C.L.E. is a solid throwback to the spy movies of yore. Does that make it anything special? Hell to-the-no, but it’s definitely not bad.

Rating: 6.5/10

What We Do In the Shadows

Plot: Some folks from Flight of the Conchords made a movie about vampires living in modern-day Wellington, NZ. It’s just as fucking awesome as it sounds.

Thoughts: Why are you still reading this shitty blog after reading this premise? Watch the fucking movie!

Rating: 8.5/10

Me and Earl and the Dying Girl

Plot: Greg (Thomas Mann) is forced by his parents to befriend Rachel (Olivia Cooke), who, you may have guessed, has terminal cancer. Hilarity ensues.

Thoughts: If you’ve ever read a John Green book, you probably know some of the more basic beats of this movie, but that doesn’t make it any less impressive in its execution and emotional impact. Also, RJ Cyler is fucking hilarious.

Rating: 9/10

Turbo Kid 

Plot: In the dystopian hellhole of a future that is 1997, a teenage boy (Munro Chambers) and a free-spirited girl (Laurence Leboeuf) must team up against a tyrannical warlord (Michael Ironside).

Thoughts: It’s extremely violent, fully aware of how silly it is and overindulges in the fact that it’s an 80’s movie released in 2015. And god bless it for that.

Rating: 9/10

Dope

Plot: Malcolm Adekanbi (Shameik Moore) is a geeky, hardworking high school senior from the not-so-friendly town of Inglewood, California who, through no real fault of his own, gets mixed up in some less-than-savoury activities. Hilarity ensues.

Thoughts: Watch Dope. Why? Cuz it’s DOPE.

What’s that? I can’t hear you over how DEAD-ON that shit was!!!

Beasts of No Nation

Plot: A West African boy is separated from his family during a civil war and joins up with a rebel group as a child soldier. Hilarity ensues.

Thoughts: It’s harrowing and dramatic, but also incredibly acted by Idris Elba and newcomer Abraham Attah, as well as beautifully shot by Cary Joji Fukunaga (Who doubled as cinematographer and director). Sure, it’s violent and heartbreaking, but that doesn’t make it any less of a must-see.

Rating: 9.5/10