Fantastic Four (Movie Review)

Stylized titles need to go ahead and put themselves out of their own misery.

I come to bury the Fantastic Four, not to praise them.

Fantastic Four

Directed by: Josh Trank (Chronicle)

Produced by: Gregory Goodman, Simon Kinberg, Robert Kulzar, Hutch Parker, Matthew Vaughn

Screenplay by: Simon Kinberg, Jeremy Slater, Josh Trank

Based on: Fantastic Four  by Stan Lee & Jack Kirby

Genre: Superhero

Starring: Miles Teller, Michael B. Jordan, Kate Mara, Jamie Bell, Toby Kebbell, Reg E. Cathey, Tim Blake Nelson

Music by: Marco Beltrami & Philip Glass

Plot: In search of the key to unlocking the ever-elusive secrets of teleportation and interdimensional travel , Dr. Franklin Storm (Reg E. Cathey) of the Baxter Foundation employs four young geniuses to seal the deal: Reed Richards (Miles Teller), Victor Von Doom (Yes they’re still calling him that…. Er, I mean, Toby Kebbell) and his own kids, Susan (Kate Mara) and Johnny (Michael B. Jordan). When the kids’ (Plus Reed’s childhood friend, Ben Grimm) experiment in the so-called “Planet Zero” (Because apparently, “Negative Zone” ,as it’s known in the comics, is too silly of a name for a movie where the main villain is called “Victor von Fucking Doom”) goes horribly wrong, the kids gain superhuman abilities. Reed gains the ability to stretch his body parts to abnormal lengths (Get your mind out of the gutter) Ben gets turned into a giant, supernaturally strong rock monster, Johnny gains the ability to set himself on fire and fly at will with no repercussions, Sue can turn invisible and use force fields and Victor von Bad Guy fucks off to the other dimension, goes insane, develops a power set vaguer than the Scarlet Witch, and decides to destroy the world, because whoever was rewriting this movie for the tenth time forgot to add a climax, and just picked the stock villain goal, regardless of whether it’s in the character’s nature or not.

He should’ve been named Victor Domashev. Come at me fanboys, I’m waiting.

And then, the good guys are spirited off to a secret government facility known as Area 57 (Because they couldn’t get the film rights to Area 51, apparently) where the government tries to weaponize them, because the Evil Government is Evil.

I can already feel the hatred flowing through me. God that feels good.

To say that Fantastic Four (Or if you’re lobotomized, Fant4stic) had a troubled production would be stating the obvious, at this point. At this point, those of us who tried to remain optimistic were hoping that it would be another case of persevering through adversity, Star Wars and Jaws style.

Well…. That shows what I fucking get for looking on the bright side. It’s all Nietzsche and self-hatred from here on out.

Come at me you beautiful motherfucker. I’m ready for your sweet, sweet nihilism all over me.

One controversial decision was the casting of Michael B. Jordan, a black man, as Johnny Storm, who is traditionally depicted as being a white man. I want to make myself abundantly clear about this: If you give the slightest shit about the Human Torch being black, you are likely racist, and I want you to leave. And if your retort to that is to point out the fact that I wouldn’t want Black Panther being played by a white man, then I strongly suggest euthanasia to avoid contaminating the gene pool further with your stupidity.

Michael B. Jordan isn’t the problem. None of the actors are. Every part is perfectly cast by greatly talented people, and they bring all they possibly can to this movie. In a parallel universe, we would have a FF movie that isn’t apparently being made by brain-damaged chimps with stump hands locked in a room with semi-functional typewriters. In that world, this cast is now being showered with praise instead of, well, I shudder to think of what horrible things are being said about the actors by overly emotional fanboys.

“HEY!!! These people don’t conform with societal expectations of racial dynamics in an American family! KILL THEM!!!”                                        -Idiots

All these supremely talented performers can’t save this movie from the aforementioned chimps with stump hands, though. Here’s an example of the stellar (Paraphrased) dialogue you can find in Fant4stic (Fuck, now I’m doing it):

Victor von Bad enough dude to save the president: “Do you think that maybe  the Earth really deserved to be saved? People are kind of the worst. That’s a conclusion I came to in my nonexistent character development!”

Susan: “Check out Dr. Doom over here!”

I don’t know about you, but I smell an Oscar!

In addition to the piss-poor dialogue and the lack of any character development whatsoever, the characters are bland and nondescript, with the screenwriters reducing their personalities to the faintest possible resemblance of their counterparts from the comics. Reed’s personality? “Smart guy”. Ben’s? “Sad, strong guy.” Johnny? “Angry guy.” Sue? “Girl.”Victor Von Holy shit some names should stay in the Sixties? Well… Let’s go ahead and talk about this bleached asshole of a villain.

God, he looks like the result of a one-night stand between a crash test dummy and C-3PO.

If somebody could please tell me how this snivelling emo loser who suddenly decides to destroy the world (For… Reasons) is supposed to be the pondering, dictatorial badass from the comics, that would be much appreciated.

While you’re at it, can somebody please tell me how this look is supposed to be equal to the comics in terms of awesomeness?

He looks like a blow-up doll made out of ballistics gel.

Dr. Doom isn’t the only thing that looks like shit. The visual effects are worse than any blockbuster movie of this day and age have any right to be. There’s one scene where Reed and Ben teleport a toy plane, and the ensuing flash looks like something made via Windows XP effect.

This game of solitary is more technologically advanced than the effects in Fantastic Four.

There were some complaints about the look of Ben Grimm after his new look was revealed as well, but I actually rather liked it. No one depiction of the thing is going to please everybody, but at least this time, he’s not just a guy in a rubber suit. There are definitely worse character designs out there.

He looks like the deformed son Ultron never told anybody about.

Even if those issues weren’t monumental, which they are, the movie would still be tanked by the fact that it’s a poorly edited, uneven backloaded mess. They should make this movie required viewing at film schools as an example of what to avoid at all costs when editing film. 20th Century Fox’s last-ditch efforts to salvage the mess Trank made and/or micromanage Trank to the point where he allegedly just gave up doesn’t pay off because the movie ambles along at a painfully slow pace, devoting it’s time to clunky character development and the occasional shitty joke. Then, in the last ten minutes or so, the filmmakers realize that “Oh shit! We totally forgot about the climax!” so they bring in Dr. Doom with next to no explanation, and we’re treated to a fight so overblown and lethargic that the audience just does not care anymore. And neither do the actors, for that matter. Reshoots probably don’t do much for your enthusiasm for working on a project.

Also, why do they not need they not need a special suit to survive in the Negative Zone (I’m not calling it fucking Planet Zero) during the climax, but earlier in the movie, they clearly need those suits to survive? And why do I expect logical thinking from the same people who think that Miles Teller and Jamie Bell look like high schoolers.

Overall: Even if it is the worst superhero movie since Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, at least Fant4stic has inspired me to write my own FF screenplay, if only because I’m one hundred percent certain that it wouldn’t end up as badly as this one.

Rating: 2/10

He looks like the Vision wearing a giant, skintight condom.

Who the F*** is That?!?!- Deadpool (Part 1 of 3)

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Truth, Justice, and an intense amount of gore and intestines flying about!

It’s a good thing these trailers keep coming out. How else would I get around posting original content for once in my damn life?

A mere week or so after I completed my Suicide Squad posts (Parts 1, 2 and 3 can be found here, here and here, respectively), a slightly condensed version of the Deadpool trailer from Comic-Con dropped, and, being both a comic fan and a child of the new millennium, the prospect of a Deadpool movie finally getting made and getting made right is very exciting, especially after the shitshow that was X-Men Origins: Wolverine.

Here’s the red-band trailer, because nobody cares about the stupid PG-13 version.

Like Suicide Squad, a lot of these characters are pretty obscure, just as, if not more obscure than Slipknot or El Diablo. Case in point…

Ellie Phimister/Negasonic Teenage Warhead

I’m kicking myself for not naming my blog “Negasonic Teenage Warhead”.

First appearance: New X-Men #152 (August 2001)

Created by: Grant Morrison, Frank Quitely

Portrayed by: Brianna Hildebrand (N/A. Deadpool is her first movie)

Other portrayals: N/A

The incredibly named Negasonic Teenage Warhead is the Z-Listiest among this cast of C and D listers, given as she only appeared in fourteen issues of Marvel Comics, and even I, who could recite the history of Katana and Rocket Raccoon if you put a gun to my head right now, had to make sure that this was an established character, and not either somebody made up for the movie, or the name of a hardcore band from the 80’s.

Well, she definitely has the 80’s hardcore look down.

NTW was a teenager (Duh) from the island of Genosha, which, to put a long story short, is an island northeast of Madagascar with a population that is just about entirely comprised of mutants. She was a student of Emma Frost (January Jones in X-Men: First Class), which suggests that she, like Frost, has telepathic abilities, although to what extent, I don’t know. Her main power is her ability for foresight, having precognitive nightmares that predicted that the entire population of Genosha was going to be killed. Apparently, the geniuses in charge of Genosha decided that they could afford to ignore the person whose whole deal is that she can tell the future. Did this decision pay off?

Nooooooooooo.

In the ensuing massacre of Genoshan mutants by the evil Cassandra Nova, NTW was killed. She survived as part of Emma Frost’s subconscious, and briefly came back to life when her, uh, subconscious came back to life and attacked the X-Men (I don’t fuckin’ know) before being killed again by Cyclops. She was finally resurrected by the evil Selene, who she served as a slave until Selene was killed by Warpath. Her current status is unknown.

…This is almost certainly not going to be her movie origin though, so you might as well treat her like an all new character.

Christina/Angel Dust

I’d rather see Ronda Rousey, but this works too.

First appearance: Morlocks #1 (June 2002)

Created by: Geoff Johns, Shawn Martinbrough

Portrayed by: Gina Carano (Haywire, Fast & Furious 6)

Other portrayals: N/A

Hold on a minute, I need to satisfy my curiosity.

Ha! I knew it! And also, WHAT THE FUCK!?!?

Scared by the sudden development of her mutant powers, Angel Dust ran away from home and joined the Chicago faction of the Morlock, which are essentially mutants that live in the sewers, in self-imposed exile from the rest of society, because blah blah blah, it’s a metaphor for racism. After defeating a Sentinel base with the rest of her Morlock pals, she returns home to her parents, who are surprisingly accepting of her situation. She was later depowered after M-Day, which is a whole other thing that I’m not going to get into now.

Even more so than Negasonic Teenage Warhead, Angel Dust’s origin story is pretty much irrelevant to the Deadpool movie, as we see that she’s actually an antagonist in the movie, and is a guard or something in the facility where Deadpool is being held. Hopefully the next character’s comic book origins will actually be consequential to the movie. And take up more than a paragraph’s worth of history.

Vanessa Carlysle/Copycat

First appearance: New Mutants #98 (February 1991) (Posing as Domino), X-Force #11 (June 1992) (As Vanessa)

Created by: Rob Liefeld, Fabian Nicieza

Portrayed by: Morena Baccarin (Firefly, Stargate SG-1, Homeland)

Other portrayals: N/A

Oh, good, Copycat. She’s a main Deadpool character, let’s do this!

Vanessa Carslysle was a mutant with the gift of shapeshifting who had fallen into a life of prostitution in Boston. She was saved from this shitty situation when she fell in love with a Canadian mercenary named Wade Wilson. After running off with Wilson, he ended up dumping her when he discovered that he had been afflicted with cancer. Heartbroken, Vanessa utilized her mutant talents to become a mercenary herself, infiltrating the New Mutants for her first mission and becoming a staple supporting character in X-Men spinoffs like X-Force and New Mutants when she was impersonating Domino, as well as an on-again-off again love interest for Deadpool until her death at the hands of Sabretooth in 2001 (Though she was resurrected, she just hasn’t appeared at all since then, except for a brief cameo in a recent issue).

Cue waterworks.

Not bad for a character who’s basically a clone of Mystique, down to the impractical lack of clothing.

Someone really needs to tell comic book artists that female body armour is a thing that exists.

Well, she’s actually not a complete clone of Mystique. In addition to being able to perfectly mimic somebody else down to the molecular level, she can also replicate their powers. Will all this awesomeness come into play during the movie? As of right now, It doesn’t look that way, as during no part of the trailer does it mention that Vanessa is either a mutant or a mercenary. That said, Movie Vanessa is definitely Deadpool’s love interest, and her sordid origins may be more or less the same, judging from the scene that takes place from 1:47 to 1:49 in the trailer. Judging by the trailer and the fact that we haven’t seen Morena Baccarin gussied up in body paint (Drool) or motion-capture gear means that we’ll likely have to wait until the inevitable sequel for her to become all blue and shit.

Personally, I’m hoping Ben Franklin’s ghost makes a surprise cameo instead.

To be continued…

July 2015 Movie Round-up

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That horse has eaten and shat out things that would entertain me more than some of these movies.

Just a heads-up, I know that Mission: Impossible is coming out this weekend, and that’s a huge deal, and Fantastic Four (Quick prayer) is coming out next weekend, but I may not be able to see either of them. MI5 is more likely to be missed, unfortunately, but I’ll try to see it some time this weekend, even if the review comes out later than I’d like. Same goes for FF, but… Well, we’ll see.

Whatever, let’s get into this shitshow.

Spy

“I look like someone’s homophobic aunt!”

Directed by: Paul Feig

Starring: Melissa McCarthy, Rose Byrne, Jason Statham, Jude Law, Allison Janney, Miranda Hart, Bobby Cannavale

Plot: Susan Cooper (Melissa McCarthy) is a CIA agent, but not one of the cool ones, who get to steal state secrets, make quips, assassinate world leaders, and the such. Instead, she is desk-bound, guiding her partner (Jude Law) on his missions through his earpiece. However, criminal heiress Rayna Boyanov (Rose Byrne) steals a nuclear device, and all field agents are unable to go after her, as she has learnt all their identities. In a last-ditch effort to stop The Bomb from getting into the wrong hands, Susan is sent after Rayne. Hilarity ensues.

Before this movie, Melissa McCarthy was struggling to get out of a rut. After a hilarious, Oscar-nominated turn in Bridesmaids, she kind of became a more talented, female version of Kevin James. Identity Thief was awful and The Hangover Part III  didn’t exactly help matters. The Heat was pretty good, but she followed that up with Tammy. I would rather watch somebody getting a needle slowly stuck into their eyeball than watch Tammy again.

After that arid wasteland of a comedy, McCarthy turned in a great dramatic performance opposite Bill Murray in the solid dramedy St. Vincent. Now, in Spy, she gets to join Charlize Theron as one of the biggest of the notable female asskickers this year. Who would’ve thought that?

And guess what Bryce Dallas Howard? She had the foresight to kick all that ass after TAKING OFF HER FUCKING HEELS.

What I loved about this movie is that it doesn’t fall into the trap of making fun of McCarthy’s appearance for the entire runtime. When I compared McCarthy to Kevin Fucking James earlier, I didn’t mean in terms of talent and acting ability, because the best performance that Kevin James has ever turned in is in goddamn Barnyard.

Alternate tagline: “It’s like if the plot from Lion King didn’t want to live!!!”

What I saw in Tammy that worried me was the growing resemblance to a movie like Paul Blart: Mall Cop in terms of story, character and humour. I’m sure you know what I mean. It’s one of those movies that appeals to the lowest common denominator, who just want to see a movie about stupid people who don’t meet societal standards of body image falling over and generally not being funny.

In Spy, McCarthy is not only very funny- She’s extremely capable, highly intelligent, frequently the most capable person in the room and, get this, a legitimate action star. We live in a world in which Melissa McCarthy can be an action star. That is so goddamn awesome.

  • + As awesome as McCarthy is, my favourite performance in this movie that isn’t the guy in the next bullet point is Rose Byrne. After this and Neighbors, we should probably get her a part in Ghostbusters and be done with it.
  • Jason Statham. That is all.
  • This movie single-handedly proves that insult comedy is an art form. I would murder truckloads of people for the ability to write insults half as funny as these ones.

Only for me to still probably forget them in an actual real-life confrontation.

  • – Miranda Hart is really funny, but she kind of gets old the minute her character gets upgraded to a major supporting role.

Rating: 8.5/10

The Boy Next Door

Oh lord, here we go…

Directed by: Rob Cohen

Starring: Jennifer Lopez, Ryan Guzman, John Corbett, Ian Nelson, Kristin Chenoweth

Plot: Claire Peterson (Lopez) is having a rough go of it, going through a separation with her cheating husband (Corbett) and being left with custody of their oft-bullied son (Nelson). All appears to be going better after a new neighbour, Noah,  moves in next door (Guzman) to help his elderly uncle, who only exists as a story device and, without explanation, does not appear again once his story purpose is served. Good job writers! That isn’t infuriatingly bad writing at all!

Anyway, the Boy Next Door (Wank-off motion) helps the son stand up for himself and becomes good friends with him, as well as Claire, who is to be his high school English teacher. One night, after a date gone wrong with a stock asshole character, Claire allows herself to be seduced by Noah, and has a one-night stand with him (But  don’t worry, the movie insists that he’s nineteen, so it’s not technically pedophilia!).

Claire tries to put this behind her, but, surprise! He’s completely insane!

Can’t you tell that from how, uh… Expressive he is???

I expected more from the director of The Fast and the Furious.

  • While Lopez wouldn’t be confused for a good actress, at least she’s not awful in this movie. Just kinda bad. Yes, this is the kind of thing that qualifies as a positive when talking about this movie.
  • – I find it amusing how, in awful thrillers like this, nobody ever has the idea of calling the fucking police. Or, at the very least, trying for a restraining order against the violent stalker.
  • – There’s a scene where Noah gives Claire a “first edition copy of The Iliad” as a present. THis wouldn’t be a big deal… If the first copies of The Iliad weren’t written three thousand years ago in Ancient Greece. Of course, it’s possible that Noah was referring to the first English edition of The Iliad… But in that case, why does it’s condition look like that of something that I would find on a Bestsellers shelf at Indigo?

And for that matter… How the fuck does a nineteen-year old get his hands on a “first-edition” copy of the goddamn Iliad?

  • – Ryan Guzman peaked in the Step Up movies. Awful thing to say about somebody, I know, but… Yeah, he’s pretty horrible.

Rating: 2/10

When Marnie Was There

“You ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?”

Directed by: Hiromasa Yonebayashi

Starring (Japanese cast): Sara Takatsuki, Kasami Arimura

Plot:  Anna Sasaki (Takatsuki) is a lonely, depressed 12-year old girl, tormented by feelings of self-loathing, who suffers from asthma attacks, because apparently, she angered some petty god who decided “Fuck her! Here’s all the bad shit!”. After a particularly bad asthma attack, her parents decide to send her to spend her summer in Kushiro with her aunt and uncle, hoping that the clean air of the Japanese countryside will do her some good.

While in Kushiro, Anna discovers an old, dilapidated mountain on the shore of a salt marsh. While investigating the mansion, she discovers a mysterious blonde foreigner girl named Marnie (Arimura) who only appears at certain times, and who strikes up a close friendship with Anna.

The tough times that Studio Ghibli was going though after the retirement of Hayao Miyazaki a few years back culminated in the legendary animation studio finally going on hiatus in August of last year, but not before releasing their last film, When Marnie Was There. And it’s a damn shame, because When Marnie Was There may be one of the better movies to come out of the studio.

  • + Computer-animated movies can be awesome, but it’s nice to see that there is (Or “was” rather), a studio that still has/had faith in hand-drawn animation. there’s really no good reason why that style of animation appears to be in the middle of being phased out in the West, at least in movies.
  • I hate the cliche of critics guaranteeing that “You will cry!” while watching a movie, but yeah. If you have any semblance of a heart, you probably will cry.
  • I haven’t seen the English dub, but the Japanese version is version is well-acted, for all I know. Who knows, it could be acted by the Japanese equivalent of Rob Schneider, and I wouldn’t know.
  • – If you pay the faintest semblance of attention, it’s pretty easy to figure out the big mystery of the movie on your own. I figured it out about halfway through.

Rating: 8.5/10

The Loft

Captain Cold, Cyclops, Bones and the gay dude from Modern Family, all gathered in one place for your…uh…Amusement?

Directed by: Erik Van Looy

Starring: Karl Urban, James Marsden, Wentworth Miller, Eric Stonestreet, Matthias Schoenaerts. Rhona Mitra, Rachael Taylor, Isabel Lucas

Plot: Five awful, awful people who the movie would have you believe are friends (Urban, Marsden, miller, Stonestreet and Schoenaerts) are co-owners of a loft where they all take their mistresses behind their wives’ backs. One day, they discover a dead woman in the bedroom of the loft, and deduce that one of them must have done the deed, as they’re the only people with keys. Hilarity ensues.

The Loft is based on a Belgian movie of the same name (And same director) that is almost certainly a million times better than this piece of horseshit.

  • – Karl Urban and James Marden do the best that they possibly can with an atrocious script, and do enough to make themselves not unwatchable, at the least. The other actors are fucking terrible, though. Wentworth Miller tries to be crazy, and ends up just staring blankly at everything, occasionally screaming when the plot remembers that he’s supposed to be mentally unbalanced, and not a member of the Walking Comatose. Schoenaerts (Who was actually a cast member of the original movie) plays a fucking caricature, and Eric Stonestreet- Wait, no, Eric Stonestreet gets his own paragraph.
  • – ERIC STONESTREET’S CHARACTER IS THE FUCKING WORST. It’s one thing to present a character as being an obnoxious loudmouth, but this… This goes well beyond that. I felt physically and mentally violated every time this turd opened up his garbage-spewing mouth. I wish that his character got thrown off a fucking building.

I like Eric Stonestreet, though.

  • – As awful as the male characters are, at least James Marsden is a semi-redeemable human being. Wanna find a female character that isn’t a mean conniver, nymphomaniac, or stereotypical jealous, shrewish wife? Good. Fucking. Luck.
  • – If you still cared about the mystery by the time the movie was a quarter of the way through, then congratulations! This is probably the first movie you’ve ever seen! May you look forward to much, much, much better things in the future!

Rating: 1/10

’71

Belfast, 1971 looks an awful lot like San Salvador, 2015. That’s probably not good.

Directed by: Yann Demange

Starring: Jack O’Connell, Richard Dormer, Sean Harris, Sam Reid, Charlie Murphy, David Wilmot, Paul Anderson, Paul Popplewell

Plot: Private Gary Hook (O’Connell) is a young British Army recruit whose squadron is sent to Belfast, Northern Ireland, during the Troubles (Google them). When a routine firearm inspection in a Catholic neighbourhood goes horribly, horribly wrong, Gary finds himself stranded alone in hostile territory, solely dependant on his wits and on the hospitality (Or lack thereof) of the Irish civilians.

I can’t exactly speak to having any personal insight about the Troubles. My Irish ancestors got the fuck out of Dodge (Dodgederry?) the second the Potato Famine struck.

That’s not a racist joke, by the way. That’s an actual thing that happened. Look it up.

That’s why this movie was so interesting to me. Not only because of the tense, pulse-pounding action and suspense, but because of the political intrigue between the various factions vying for power and the civilians, just trying to get by, regardless of ideology.

Also, I could listen to Irish accents all day.

  • Jack O’Connell is really terrific. I’ve heard he’s good in Unbreakable (Which I haven’t seen) and I can attest to his talent after watching ’71. Good on ya, kid (Said the 18-year old to the 24-year old).
  • When a movie’s ending has you reeling at the injustice of it all, that’s a good friggin’ movie. Ditto when the movie has my eyeballs drying up, because I’m afraid of missing something if I so much as blink.
  • There’s a small child in this movie who’s legitimately excellent. Hard to believe, I know. Maybe it’s just America that has all the shitty child actors.
  • Belfast during the Troubles was fuckin’ brutal, holy shit.

Rating: 9/10

Hot Pursuit

The tagline is the funniest thing about the movie. And the tagine is total shit!

Directed by: Anne Fletcher

Starring: Reese Witherspoon, Sofia Vergara

Plot: … No.

No. I have spent way too much of my time on this round-up. Two thousand words’ worth. My family hasn’t seen me all day (I work slowly). I am not wasting any time talking about the plot to fucking Hot Pursuit. I HAVE TOO MUCH FUCKING DIGNITY, DAMMIT!!!

Sigh.

Reese Witherspoon plays an uptight, by-the-book Texan cop who’s tasked with escorting the wife of a drug lord, played by Sofia Vergara, to Dallas, in order to get her spirited away by the F.B.I. into the wonderful ether that is Witness Protection. When that goes wrong, a distinct lack of hilarity ensues.

  • The guy who plays the main villain is alright. Too bad he’s only in it for, like, a minute.
  • – Reese Witherspoon is a great actress. I love Reese Witherspoon. She was terrific in Wild last year. What does she bring to this project? A god-awful accent and a grating performance of a cliched character that I want to punch in the face every time I see her. I don’t care how cute she looks in a red dress, I wanted her dead.
  • – Sofia Vergara, while better than Witherspoon, believe it or not, is really, really terrible. There were a couple times when her dialogue consisted of nothing but nasal screeches. That’s not a slight on her latino accent (Shit, I’m half latino myself, what grounds would I have for that?), but, how do I put this, her accent doesn’t help the fact that her dialogue is mostly nasal screeching.
  • – As one would expect, two terrible performances does not lead to great chemistry between the two performers. It also doesn’t help that this humour is fucking nonexistent, being written and directed extremely awkwardly.

Here’s an example: There’s a scene in which Witherspoon tries breaking into someone’s car. The way that Vergara tries to get them out of it is by, uh, claiming that they’re veterinarians who are also lesbian lovers? What? How is that supposed to get them out of trouble (In Texas, especially!)? It’s like if a thirteen year old boy was handed the script for rewrites, and decided that the fact that these two women are randomly lesbians is somehow funny, because lesbians are hot and homosexuality’s a joke to them, I guess. Whatever. It’s not funny, and anybody who thinks that it is funny should be ashamed of themselves.

Rating: 0.5/10

I wanted to blow my fucking brains out at this part. If you’ve seen the movie, you know what I’m talking about.