Who the F*** is That?!?!- Deadpool (Part 3 of 3)

Upon seeing this image, the fact that his very next mission is to murder the zombies of the dead presidents makes a lot more sense.

Man, I hope Marvel decides to release that Captain America: Civil War trailer sometime soon. I might have to, you know, exhibit the most basic sense of creativity one of these days.

I do like doing these though, so whatever. That Deathmatch that I’ve been teasing on-and-off since late last year may have to take a backseat to this… As opposed to, y’know, taking a backseat to everything else I’ve been doing since December.

Anywho, parts 1 and 2 can be found here and here, respectively. Part 1 of the Suicide Squad series that I did earlier this summer can be found here.

Enough shameless self-promotion! Let’s get on with it!

Jack Hammer/Weasel 

“Jack Hammer” feels like an alter ego that’s kind of wasted on somebody with no hammer-based powers.

First appearance: Deadpool: The Circle Chave #1 (August 1993)

Created by: Fabian Nicieza, Joe Madureira

Portrayed by: T.J. Miler (Silicon Valley, Cloverfield, How to Train Your Dragon, Big Hero 6)

Other Portrayals: Cam Clarke (Marvel: Ultimate Alliance)

Jack Hammer was a highly intelligent high school student attending Midtown High, the same high school as Peter Parker, the Amazing Spider-Man, and Gwen Stacy, who he had a huge unrequited crush on. Hammer was competing with Peter for a prestigious internship under the wing of Norman Osborn (No, I’m not explaining who that is, you’ve seen the movies, goddamnit). His life went off the rails after he met a time travelling Deadpool, who was disguised as Peter Parker, for some reason. Trying to get him to loosen up (And manipulating him into fixing his teleportation belt), Deadpool took Hammer, whose destiny he was well aware of, on a drinking binge and, still disguised as Peter, relayed false information to Osborn about Hammer being a drug addict. Nice guy.

Charming.

Depressed and a budding alcoholic, Hammer turned to a life of crime, adopting the identity of “Weasel” and becoming an information broker and arms dealer for mercenaries and criminals. It was through this occupation that Weasel knowingly first met Deadpool. The two became fast friends, with Weasel loyally accompanying Deadpool on his adventures.

❤

Mind you, “loyally” might be too strong an adjective. While Weasel may have been Deadpool’s best friend (Besides Blind Al), he also had an opportunistic streak a mile long. On multiple occasions, Weasel looked like he was considering leaving Deadpool mid-battle, before Deadpool inevitably coaxed him back using some combination of sweet-talking, bullying and the promise of a subscription to the Playboy channel. While he did leave Deadpool after the latter stuffed Blind Al in the Box, he came back to the Regeneratin’ Degenerate, helping him out on his path to redemption. He later left Deadpool for good though, becoming an armoured hero named “The House” based in Las Vegas.

Tempted by that sweet, sweet green, Weasel agrees to fight Deadpool in return for funding from the local casinos, and, after a long series of double crosses, Deadpool defeated Weasel and locked him in the Box.

I had my shot, and I took it. Future generations may judge me for it, but they can all go fuck themselves. I made that joke, now I look forward to living with it.

Weasel was broken out of the Box by somebody named Macho Gomez, who I can’t possibly be arsed to look up. Joining a group of people dedicated to taking down Deadpool, the ensuing battle leads to one of my favourite Deadpool lines:

Weasel: Stupid, stupid, stupid–I never shoulda come here! Deadpool’s gonna do somethin’ horrible to me, I know it!

Deadpool: Hey, Weasel! Come over here so I can do something horrible to you!

The supervillains defeat Deadpool, but being Deadpool, he doesn’t stay down for long, ad Deadpool, apparently tired of Weasel’s flip-flopping, tracked him down and killed him.

I like Bob, Agent of H.Y.D.R.A. better anyways.

Aside from the title character and maybe Blind Al, Weasel appears to be the most comic-faithful character adaptation, at least as far as his appearance of the trailer is concerned, in which he has a pretty hilarious back-and-forth with Deadpool.

Weasel: Motherfucker, you are hard to look at! 

Deadpool: Like a testicle with teeth. 

Weasel: You look like Freddy Krueger face-fucked a topographical map of Utah!

Deadpool: (Smacks table) Exactly!

Yeah, we’re in good hands here.

… I think.

Piotr Rasputin/Colossus

It is impossible to see this image without having “The Internationale” play in your head immediately thereafter.

First appearance: Giant-Size X-Men #1 (May 1975)

Created by: Len Wein, Dave Cockrum

Portrayed by: Andre Tricoteux (Stunt performer)

Other portrayals: John Stephenson (Spider-Man and His Amazing Friends), Dan Gilvezan (Pryde of the X-Men), Rick Bennett (X-Men: The Animated Series), Robert Cait (X-Men: The Animated Series), Michael Adamthwaite (X-Men: Evolution), Nolan North (Wolverine and the X-Men), Tom Kenny (The Super Hero Squad Show), Daniel Cudmore (X2, X-Men: The Last Stand, X-Men: Days of Future Past), Christopher Corey Smith (X2: Wolverine’s Revenge), Earl Boen (X-Men Legends), Jim Ward (X-Men Legends II: Rise of Apocalypse), Brad Abrell (X-Men: The Official Game), Phil LaMarr (Marvel: Ultimate Alliance), Tim Russ (Marvel: Ultimate Alliance 2), Andre Sogliuzzo (X-Men: Destiny), Chris Cox (Marvel Heroes), John DiMaggio (Lego Marvel Super Heroes)

Piotr (Or, for those of us who don’t like puzzling over Russian pronunciations, “Peter”) Rasputin was born on the Ust-Ordynski collective farm in Soviet Siberia. He adored his younger sister, Illyana and idolized his late brother, Mikhail, a cosmonaut who died in a rocket accident. A quiet, hardworking boy who was also a talented artist. A mutant, whose powers naturally manifested themselves in adolescence. What’s his skillset, you ask? Well, only the incredibly overpowered ability to convert his body tissue into an organic, steel-like object, granting him superhuman strength. One would think that this would’ve made the Soviet authorities someone antsy, but apparently, for all it’s problems, the Soviet Union had a surprisingly liberal policy towards mutants, because Peter went on living his life on the farm, preferring to help out his friends and neighbours support the glorious Soviet regime instead of doing grandiose superheroing,  failing to become the first Soviet character that isn’t just a Russian caricature.

I just realized that Fearless Leader looks way more like a Nazi, but it’s not like I give a shit about the accuracy of cultural portrayals in fucking Rocky & Bullwinkle, so let’s move on.

Peter joined the second generation of the X-Men (Along With Wolverine, Storm, Nightcrawler and others), brought together by Professor X to rescue the original X-Men (Angel, Iceman, Jean Grey et al.) from Krakoa, the Living Island.

Yeah, I don’t fucking know.

Since then, Colossus has been an integral part of the X-Men, making it all the more strange that he would appear in the Deadpool movie, considering that the X-Man that Deadpool is usually associated with is his rival, Wolverine, but I’m happy to see him regardless of the fact that Daniel Cudmore isn’t reprising the role, for some reason.

Wade Wilson/Deadpool

It has been foretold.

First appearance: The New Mutants  #98 (February 1991)

Created by: Rob Liefeld, Fabian Nicieza

Portrayed by: Ryan Reynolds (Buried, The Nines, The Voices)

Other portrayals: Ryan Reynolds (X-Men Origins: Wolverine), Will Friedle (Ultimate Spider-Man), Takehito Koyasu (Marvel Disk Wars: The Avengers), Nolan North (Hulk Vs Wolverine, Spider-Man: Shattered Dimensions, Marvel vs. Capcom 3: Fate of Two Worlds, Marvel Heroes, Deadpool (Video Game), Lego Marvel Super Heroes, Marvel Pinball) John Kassir (X-Men Legends II: Rise of Apocalypse, Marvel: Ultimate Alliance, Marvel: Ultimate Alliance 2), Steven Blum (X-Men Origins: Wolverine (Video Game), Tom Kenny (Marvel Super Hero Squad Online)

In retrospect, I probably should’ve led with the title character, but nevertheless, here we are.

For being the main character, Deadpool’s pre-mercenary life is extremely hard to pin down. This is because, for reasons I’ll get into in a bit, Deadpool is completely insane and, like other characters that are completely nutty, like Joker and Bullseye, the mercenary formerly known as Wade Wilson’s brain is too addled to remember many details from their early years. What is universally agreed upon is that Wade Wilson was born in Canada, had an abusive childhood and became a mercenary in his late teens, after a short stint with the army. Learning that he had contracted cancer, Wade was offered salvation in the form of Department K, the Canadian wing of the Weapon X program. Becoming a guinea pig for Department K (More specifically, Doctor Killebrew and the sadistic Ajax), Wade was given a superhuman healing factor, even stronger than Wolverine’s, which allowed him to heal almost instantly from severe injuries like disemboweling and amputations, and halted the progress of his cancer, although his healing factor was so accelerated that it horribly deformed his skin, and the healing factor’s effect on his brain drove him insane. Wade’s twisted sense of humour and mental fortitude earned him the admiration of his fellow “patients”, who liked to place bets in a “deadpool” on which subjects would survive the experiments.

Foreshadowing!

One day, Wade decided to mercy kill one of his friends, who was lobotomized by Ajax after the latter grew tired of Wade’s relentless taunting. Since killing another patient was strictly forbidden, Killebrew allowed Ajax to kill Wade, which he promptly did by ripping out his heart. Ajax, however, didn’t count on Wade’s incredible healing factor healing him immediately. The exertion of recuperating from having his goddamned heart torn out drove Wade over the edge, and he executed a violent breakout with his fellow patients, adopting the name “Deadpool”.

Nowadays, Deadpool is always portrayed as an anti-hero, although he did appear as a straight-up villain in his earlier appearances. He was worked as a mob enforcer and, most frequently, as a mercenary, leading him to interact with not-particularly nice people, and he became a rival of Wolverine’s, frequently going out of his way to annoy antagonize him, whether his job called for it or not. That said, he’s gradually been becoming a better person over the comics, and it’s suggested that, at his core, he just wants to be one of the good guys, but his mental condition and annoying personality don’t help matters. However, he has been a part of teams before, even being invited to join the X-Men at one point, despite not technically being a mutant.

Deadpool suffers from schizophrenia (Which sometimes manifests itself in the comics as yellow and blue text bubbles) and ultraviolent tendencies, frequently killing off his enemies in darkly comic fashion. A short fuse, Deadpool has gone so far as to shoot somebody in the face for the heinous crime of preferring the Star Wars prequels to the original trilogy. Is that a crime? Sure. Is it punishable by death?…

… Debatable.

In addition to the near-immortality that his healing factor grants (Though he is currently dead in the comics) and his motor-mouthing tendencies (They don’t call him the “Merc With a Mouth” for nothing), Deadpool’s most notable attribute is his knowledge that he is a comic book character, treating the fourth wall like something to be routinely brutalized with a battering ram.

Also, his text balloons are always yellow. Zero clue why.

Originally a drunk drawing of DC Comics villain Deathstroke by Rob Liefeld, Deadpool’s popularity has skyrocketed, to the point where a movie adaptation, with Ryan Reynolds, a fan of the character, attached to play the lead role, was in development as early as 2003. Reynolds finally appeared as Wade Wilson in the godawful X-Men Origins: Wolverine, where his portrayal was praised… Until the dipshits in charge of the decision-making process decided to have his mouth sewn shut at the end.

Thankfully, fans are getting the Deadpool movie we deserve in February, so all is forgiven.

As with Suicide Squad, I’ll have more character profiles written if more characters are revealed when the next trailer drops. Hopefully, none of you learn that there are people who do this job way better than me out there.

Peace out, you sexy beasts!

To be continued…

Probably… 

Quote of the Day- August 27, 2015

“Let’s get rid of the suffering and bring real peace, which is not just the absence of war, but the absence of all negativity.”
– David Lynch

Appropriately brought to you by the director of Eraserhead!

Who the F*** is That?!?!- Deadpool (Part 2 of 3)

The tragic, yet oddly hilarious leaked ending of The Good Dinosaur.

Holy hell, it’s been awhile since I last did one of these. Sorry for the lack of content. It’s really been a full week.

For Part 1, in which I talk about such Marvel Comics staples as Negasonic Teenage Warhead, Angel Dust and Copycat, make your way over here. For my Suicide Squad series, click over here for Part 1.

All right, let’s do this shit.

Francis/Ajax

See the resemblance?

First appearance: Deadpool #14 (March 1998)

Created by: Joe Kelly, Walter McDaniel

Portrayed by: Ed Skrein (Ill Manors, Game of Thrones)

Other portrayals: N/A

Little is known about the man only known as Francis, or by his codename of Ajax. All we know is that his first name is Francis, he’s Canadian, and he is an alumni of the Weapon X program, the same jolly group of god-playing psychopaths who grafted the aluminium to Wolverine’s skeleton and who gave Deadpool his good looks and charming disposition.

Please restrain yourselves, ladies!

As far as power sets go, the genetically altered Ajax was nothing particularly special, but was still pretty fuckin’ hardass. Aside from the usual tropes of having superhuman speed, agility and combat intuition (???), he was also one hundred percent incapable of feeling pain on account of having his nerves removed, which is scientific reasoning that would immediately drive most doctors to the bottle.

Unlike the other inmates at the Canadian Weapon X facility, who resented their situation, the sadistic Ajax fully embraced the situation, becoming the enforcer for Dr. Killebrew, the Mengele-esque geneticist who pretty much single-handedly created Deadpool. When a patient named Wade Wilson stepped out of line once too often, Ajax ripped out his heart, not knowing that Wilson possessed a healing factor that allowed him to immediately grow another one.

Wilson, now completely insane and going by his new moniker, Deadpool, unloaded two assault rifles into Ajax, seemingly killing him, and initiated a mass breakout.

This being a goddamned comic book, Ajax didn’t stay dead (Sorry, “seemingly” dead) for long, as he started murdering other Weapon X alumni in order to get back at Deadpool. The two went at it for a while, with Ajax even seemingly killing Deadpool at one point (Again, emphasis on “seemingly”). Finally, the Merc With a Mouth ended Ajax’s miserable existence by short-circuiting his armour and breaking his neck.

*Sad trombone*

Ajax seems to be the main antagonist in the film, although there are some differences from the comics. For example he’s English and not Canadian, being played by Ed Skrein, who you may remember as the character that fangirls wouldn’t stop complaining about after he was recast on Game of Thrones.

I like the newer guy a lot better, personally.

Also, he seems to have absorbed the role of Dr. Killebrew as well, with Ajax now seemingly being more of a scientist, at least in the beginning, before we see him in the trailer, sword fighting Deadpool. The role of enforcer at what I assume is Weapon X in the movie appears to have been taken over by the aforementioned Angel Dust. Odd, considering that Angel Dust has fuckall to do with Deadpool while Dr. Killebrew is an incredibly important character in the comics. I dunno. I could maybe be more speculative about this, but that would involve actually giving a shit about Angel Dust, and I just can’t bring myself to do that.

Althea/Blind Al

“Sounds like you’ve got a dick in your mouth” – Blind Al, 2016

First appearance: Deadpool #1 (January, 1997)

Created by: Joe Kelly, Ed McGuinness

Portrayed by: Leslie Uggams (Hallelujah Baby!, Roots)

Other portrayals: N/A

A British Intelligence agent who had been blind for most of her life and who may or may not have had an affair with Captain America at one point, Althea was on assignment in Zaire (The present-day Democratic Republic, for those of you not well versed in Central African geography) when she was targeted for assassination by a hired gun named Wade Wilson. Taking pity on the old woman, Wilson killed everybody but her, allowing her to escape. Years later, after he had fully transformed into the madman known as Deadpool, he ran into her again. Overjoyed to meet her, he kidnapped her and held her prisoner in his apartment for several years.

A bizarre relationship soon blossomed between the two. As one might expect from a total lunatic, Deadpool would often treat Al incredibly poorly, insulting her, mocking her blindness, forcing her to cook and clean for him, killing anybody who tried to rescue her and, on occasion, locking her in “The Box”, a small room filled with pointy things. Likewise, tough-as-nails Al gave as good as she got in the insult department, and took great pleasure in pranking him back.

On the other hand, Deadpool and Bind Al actually became really good friends during their time together, as Al became Deadpool’s closest confidant, and a sort of mother figure helping Deadpool redeem himself for his morally questionable past.

Beauty and the Beast can suck it.

All good partnerships come to an end, though (Ask Jason Todd). Being an unstable schizophrenic, Deadpool was bound to go through a low point, and he hit all the low points at once. He had broken up with his girlfriend, Siryn, slept with a supervillainess in a moment of weakness (Although it would take one hell of a moment of weakness for me to sleep with someone named “Typhoid Mary”) and was dealing with a new nemesis named T-Ray. One day, Wade came home to find that his friend and informant Weasel (Who we’ll get to later) was visiting Blind Al without his permission, which, despite being something that a rational person wouldn’t give the slightest shit about, is strictly verboten in the Wilson household. Enraged, Deadpool stuffs Blind Al back in the Box, which, it’s important to note, he hadn’t used for several years prior to this incident.

You made the dog sad!?!? I’M SORRY I EVER LIKED YOU, YOU FUCK!!!!

After this dust-up, Blind Al rightfully treated Deadpool coolly, and it dawned on Deadpool how much of a tremendous dickhead he had been. Wade decided to let Al go, but Al refused to leave of her own volition, so Deadpool used his teleporter to send her away, realizing that he didn’t want to keep her prisoner  anymore.

Fuck off, I’m not crying! A bug just flew in my eye…

…Sniff…

Deadpool is still in contact with Blind Al, but she hasn’t appeared in much more than a cameo since the late 90’s. As for the movie’s version of Blind Al, we know that she’s living with Deadpool, likely as his hostage, but we don’t know if her backstory is the same. Also, instead of being a White British woman like in the comics, she’s a Black American, and if you give a shit about that… Well…. You shouldn’t.

I wish my mom was this cool.

To be continued…

Sunshine Blogger Award

“The Sunshine Blogger Award: Face-meltingly adorable!” -Suggested tagline.

Since I can’t be arsed to go to that goddamned ridiculous-looking Hitman: Agent 47 or the newest addition to the creative wasteland that is the horror genre (Sinister 2: The Obnoxious Jumpscares Strike Back), I found myself lost for new content to post this week and weekend that isn’t just a continuation of my Who the Fuck…???  series. If you’re familiar with my style, that’s not good news, as it means that the time that i spend trying to do something creative will inevitably devolve into me falling down into a rabbit hole at tvtropes.com.

Although I now know more about the Three Faces of Eve than any human being should.

Thankfully, my ass was saved by the good people at Bookidote nominated me for the Sunshine Blogger Award, which, to paraphrase, is an award that one is supposed to pass on to those who: put a little sunshine in your day, who are positive, creative, and inspiring. Considering that I suggested in my Fantastic Four review that anybody who had a problem with Johnny Storm being black submit themselves to euthanasia, I don’t know if  those three adjectives are the best descriptors, but nonetheless, I’m still extremely appreciative. I highly suggest you check out Bookidote the next chance you get, because I gotta say, it’s a pretty chill site.

Anyhoo, I’m supposed to answer eleven questions, then nominate a few more people and ask a new set of eleven questions. Since talking about myself is by far my favourite thing in the world to do, I’ll save that for last and get my nominations out of the way first.

• The fine folks down at Assholes Watching Movies.
• Sarah Johansson, the mad genius at Problems With Infinity.
• Filmmunch, a great site that I don’t read nearly as much as I should.
• Polar Bears Watch TV, who is probably not an actual polar bear, but I enjoy the mental image of a computer-savvy polar bear, so I will keep picturing that in my head.
• I can’t nominate Bookidote, cuz they nominated me, but you really should check them out.

My questions are:

1. What movie would you erase from existence if you could?
2. Who’s the most famous person you’ve ever met?
3. Who’s the most punchable fictional character ever?
4. What’s the last thing you ate?
5. Favourite book-to-film adaptation?
6. Which movie genre would you erase from existence if you could?
7. What’s your favourite film score?
8. Uhh…. What’s your least favourite book-to-film adaptation?
9. Will there ever be a video game movie that doesn’t make the audience wanna shove shards of glass into their eyes?
10. What’s the last book you’ve read cover-to-cover, and when did you read it?
11. If you could speak to Donald Trump right this instant, what would you say to him?

Wooo! I got all that “thinking” shit out of the way. Now to blab nonstop about myself!

It’s truly a wonder I’m single.

What book you wish you can just go back and never read it ?

 The Girl with the Pearl Earring. I hate that book. Hate it, hate it, hate it. I had to do a report on it in tenth grade, and my teacher (Who, incidentally, is a fan of the book) liked my intelligent, thought-out (Ha!) analysis so much that I got a one-hundred percent. That’s right, my writing ability peaked at age sixteen.

…Ladies…

Are you where you wanted to be at this stage in your life?

 That’s… Surprisingly heavy. Okay then.

I’d say I’m pretty happy with my life right now. I’m eighteen, I don’t pay rent, I’m going to a good university in the fall, and I have a part-time job where I can choose the hours and can make $150+ in a week that’s doesn’t involve dealing pot. I’d say that makes up for the self-destructive god complex and intense sociopathy.

If you can choose to live in fictional place, where would that be ? (from any book, comic or movie)

 I’m letting my millenial-ness show here, but I want to live at Hogwarts. Sure, the annual monster attacks would get tedious after a while, but I can cower behind large objects well enough, I think I’d be fine.

Admittedly, Emma Watson is the main draw.

Shit, if Ron had a chance….

Worst nickname that someone has given you? 

Uhhh….. Well, that’s tough, because answering this would involve revealing my real name, and I’m not going to do that. However, I was called a “SJW cocksucker” by some waste of oxygen who commented on my Fantastic Four review, so…. there’s that.

I’m not bringing much in the “sunshine” department, am I? Sorry about that. Here, you’ve made it this far, you guys deserve a treat. Look, puppies or whatever!

The one on the left looks strangely pissed, doesn’t he?

Any guilty pleasure ?

 Oh, dude, so much.

Off the top of my head, Van Wilder comes to mind. If it wasn’t for Ryan Reynolds, I would hate this movie, but, well, Ryan Reynolds is in it, and as I mentioned in my Blade: Trinity review a million years ago, he immediately elevates the shitty movies he’s in, which, unfortunately, is most of the movies he’s in.

Fun fact: The Deadpool plot is just Deadpool murdering Ryan Reynolds’ agent over and over for two and a half hours.

 I also really love RWBY. For those of you not in-tune with YouTube culture, RWBY (Pronounced “Ruby”) is an anime-inspired web series where four conveniently colour-coded teenage girls who attend Anime Hogwarts use their superpowers to defend humanity from Jessica Nigri. It’s very strange, and during the first season, the dialogue is… Um… I don’t want to be too mean, because the creator and writer, the great Monty Oum, actually died recently and that bums me out, but… It’s pretty crappy. And as awesome as the soundtrack is, the lyrics really shouldn’t read like they were translated from Japanese using Google Translate when they were originally written in English.

The action and animation is legitimately good (Usually) though, and the characters are likable enough. Everything actually picks up during the second season, and the people involved say that a third one’s coming, even after Monty Oum’s passing. I’m on board, I guess, but if you want to stay far away at all times… I get it.

Sure, these outfits are horribly impractical for fighting monsters, but look at it this way: They’re more appropriately dressed than Bryce Dallas Howard in Jurassic World!

Any secret talents?

 I’m perfectly mediocre at guitar, and I’m actually pretty damn good at baseball. I seriously think that I could’ve been drafted if I lived in the States and not in the baseball dead zone that is Edmonton, Alberta (Though when I was little, I was planning at one point to attend St. Francis Xavier Academy for the purpose of playing baseball. Knowing my current aversion to both over-competitive douchebags and religion, that probably would not have ended well). I probably wouldn’t have gone higher than maybe AA, but hey, that would still make me the third best baseball player to come out of Alberta after flash-in-the-pan Milwaukee Brewers closer Jim Henderson and AAAA journeyman pitcher Mike Johnson, who I actually met once at a baseball camp, where he was the outfield instructor… For some reason.

What kind of music are you listening to? 

My favourite band of all time, for nostalgic purposes is The Offspring (My favourite song of theirs is “You’re Gonna go Far Kid”), and I do love them a lot, but I think my less nostalgia-tinted favourite is probably Rise Against (“Prayer of the Refugee”). Other artists that I love (And my respective favourite song of theirs) are: Green Day (“Basket Case”), Blink-182 (“Dammit”), My Chemical Romance (“Welcome to the Black Parade), Eminem (“When I’m Gone”), Ninja Sex Party (“Dinosaur Laser Fight”), Against Me! (“White People For Peace”), Alkaline Trio (“Help Me”), Bad Religion (“American Jesus”), Ramones (“I Wanna Be Sedated”), Sex Pistols (“Anarchy in the U.K.”), Dead Kennedys (“Halloween”), Black Flag (“Nervous Breakdown”), the Wonder Years (“Cigarettes & Saints” is probably the song I’m listening to most these days), No Use for a Name (“For Fiona”), Lorde (“Team”), Billy Talent (“Cure for the Enemy”), Anti-Flag (“The Press Corpse”), the Beatles (“Helter Skelter”), the Clash (“White Riot”), Bob Dylan (“The Ballad of Hollis Brown”), Bruce Springsteen (“Born to Run”), the Circle Jerks (“Live Fast Die Young”), David Bowie (“Changes”), Descendents (“Suburban Home”), Face to Face (“Blind”), Foo Fighters (“Everlong”), the Gaslight Anthem (“Get Hurt”), Gerard Way (“How it’s Going to Be”), Jello Biafra (“Attack of the Peacekeepers”), Linkin Park (“Bleed it Out”), The Mr. T Experience (“Even Hitler Had a Girlfriend”), Nirvana (“Molly’s Lips”), NoFX (“Franco Un-American”), Rancid (“Ruby Soho”), Red Hot Chili Peppers (“Dani California”), Starbomb (“The Book of Nook”), Sum 41 (“No Reason”), Weezer (“No One Else”), and +44 (“No, it Isn’t”).

And that, dear readers, is how you pump up the word count through no effort whatsoever!

Favourite book of all time ? 

I can’t pick one out of the three, because I love them all equally, but my favourite trilogy of books is the Chaos Walking trilogy by Patrick Ness (The Knife of Never Letting Go,The Ask and the Answer and Monsters of Men). I don’t want to get into the plot, because that would mean instant spoilers, but I will say that everybody needs to read this book right now. Like, right now. Your menial bullshit can wait, this book NEEDS to be the best-selling book of all time.

Favourite quote ?

“Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s AIDS.”

-A Cards Against Humanity card I once played.

And now, for the quote that doesn’t out me as a horrible person!

“So that was Mrs. Lundegaard on the floor in there. And I guess that was your accomplice in the wood chipper. And those three people in Brainerd. And for what? For a little bit of money. There’s more to life than a little money, you know. Don’tcha know that? And here ya are, and it’s a beautiful day.”

Marge Gunderson, Fargo

Morning person or night owl?

If anybody wakes me up before I’m good and ready, they go in the hole with that girl in Silence of the Lambs.

Tell me about one of your hobbies.

Amiibos.

Motherfucking amiibos.

For those of you who lead productive lives, amiibos are figurines that Nintendo, the world’s most lovable soulless corporation, made as an accessory to the latest Super Smash Bros. game, which is essentially, a fighting game starring Nintendo’s all-stars.

As well as Sonic the Hedgehog, who hasn’t been relevant since 2006.

The figurines didn’t interest me all that much, as it just struck me as a Nintendo marketing gimmick. They are nice figures, though, so I decided to just buy the ones for my favourite characters, Yoshi, Samus Aran, Pikachu, Sheik, Link…. And Mario, because it’s Mario, Luigi, because I like Luigi better than Luigi…. And Donkey Kong…. And Kirby…..And Princess Zelda….And Princess Peach…. And Bowser…. And Sonic…. And Diddy Kong…. And the Disney Channel version of Link…. And Pac-Man…And Mega Man… And another version of Yoshi…. And Toad…. And Silver Mario…. And a Fox amiibo that’s still in its Japanese packaging… Anyways, $350+ dollars later, I think I’m over the addiction. It’s not like they’re coming out with a new wave of characters that I would kill infants fo-

So long Junior, daddy needs a Zero Suit Samus amiibo.

Straight Outta Compton (Movie Review)

Grrrr!!!!!

If nothing else, this movie taught me the proper way to say “Suge Knight”. Now, I have knowledge to properly say “Suge Knight is a deplorable piece of shit who should’ve been thrown in jail years ago”.

 Straight Outta Compton

Directed by: F. Gary Gray (The Italian Job, Set it Off, Friday)

Produced by: Ice Cube, Tomica Woods-Wright, Matt Alvarez, F. Gary Gray, Scott Bernstein, Dr. Dre

Screenplay by: Jonathan Herman, Andrea Berloff

Story by: S. Leigh Savidge, Alan Wenkus,Andrea Berloff

Genre: Biographical drama

Starring: Jason Mitchell, O’Shea Jackson, Jr., Corey Hawkins, Paul Giamatti, Aldis Hodge, Neil Brown, Jr., R. Marcus Taylor

Music by: Joseph Trapanese

Plot: Straight Outta Compton is the story infamous rap group N.W.A., from its inception to the aftermath of its dissolution, as well as the relationships between its members, Eazy E (Jason Mitchell), Ice Cube (O’Shea Jackson), Dr. Dre (Corey Hawkins), MC Ren (Aldis Hodge) and DJ Yella (Neil Brown, Jr.) and those around them, as well as how the group impacted American culture.

We don’t talk much about music here on PKtM, especially ever since all the music experts in my employ were tragically lost in a completely non-suspicious mass suicide the day before I gave myself an enormous raise. All none of you who were around in those early days know that I’m not a huge fan of rap music. I like it fine, but my tastes are a little more, how should I put it, classic.

Ninja Sex Party is classic, and don’t you fucking dare tell me otherwise.

That said, I do like N.W.A. a lot, I appreciate the impact they had on Western society, and they did have quite the impact. So, especially with race relations being in the state that they’re currently at in the United States, it’s important that N.W.A. gets the biopic that, uh, America deserves, or whatever the fuck. And, while it doesn’t go quite as far as I would’ve liked in showing the, let’s say, unsavoury way some of the protagonists acted during and shortly after the N.W.A. era. But, I suppose that’s to be expected from a movie that’s produced by two N.W.A. members.

Aside from that, though, Straight Outta Compton does a terrific job of capturing that point in history for both American society and the lives of Dr. Dre, Ice Cube and Eazy E (Because MC Ren and DJ Yella apparently weren’t worthy of screen time).

Bizarre, when you consider the legendary hit that was One Mo Nigga ta Go.

I literally just learned that that album was made in memory of Eazy E. I feel like a tremendous dick now.

Though the publicity would probably have you thinking otherwise, the movie is only about N.W.A. for, like, half of the runtime, at the most. The majority of Straight Outta Compton is more about the personal relationships and experiences, especially the five three main characters, who are all portrayed by relative newcomers who, I’m happy to report, are fucking killin’ it. Julliard alumni Corey Hawkins is terrific as Dr. Dre (Even if I personally feel like his character is kind of underdeveloped, but I could just be reaching a little out of my range for criticism’s sake), and O’Shea Jackson, Jr. is also amazing as his actual real life father, Ice Cube, the guy who wrote “Fuck tha Police” and proceeded to play a cop in Ride Along and 21 Jump Street, because irony’s a bitch.

Fuck that shit, cause I ain’t the one/ For a punk motherfucker with a badge and a gun/                                             To be beatin’ on, and thrown in jail/ We can go toe to toe in the middle of a cell….

I’m generally against nepotism in every shape and form…

OH GOD!!! OH GOD NO!!! GET IT OUT OF MY SIGHT!!!!! GET IT OUT OF MY FUCKING SIIIII-

But I suppose there’s an exception to be made for every rule, and this is a pretty great exception.

Jaden Smith should still stick to being both awesome and batshit insane on Twitter, though.

My favourite performance of the three is Jason Mitchell as Eazy-E. He disappears into the role even more so than the other two leads, which is saying a ton, believe me. I want him to be nominated for an Oscar early next year. That’s probably too much to ask, considering how marred in the 50’s the mindset of the Academy is. I can still have hope, can’t I?

Oh…. Maybe not then.

And Paul Giamatti is amazing too as the group’s manager, Jerry Heller because, well, he’s Paul Fucking Giamatti and every time he’s given a substantial amount of screen time, he’s bound to be amazing, something Sony really took full advantage of when casting him as the Rhino in The Amazing Spider-Man 2.

“He was in that???”- Anybody who read that last sentence just now.

In addition to the actors, the movie has a terrific atmosphere and tone. You can pretty much reach out and touch it, only to have it bludgeon you to death because the atmosphere of American culture in those days was incredibly intense. You can feel the anger in the air of 80’s Compton and the disillusionment that the lower-class black community of the era was/is rightly feeling. The soundtrack, composed of hip-hop and R&B tracks of the day also help, the fact that they’re kickass jams definitely not hurting. “Kickass jams.”Jesus Christ, my whiteness is showing, isn’t it?

Throughout the first half, Straight Outta Compton is a blaze of righteous fury, and I was seriously considering it one of my favourite movies of the year so far, up there with Mad Max: Fury Road and Inside Out…

…And then the second half hit, and the movie screeches to a halt, becoming your generic, melodramatic biodrama. Don’t get me wrong, as generic, melodramatic biodramas go, it’s still fairly great, it’s just quite a bit of a let-down compared to the amazing first half. It’s essentially Fantastic Four if Fantastic Four started out terrific and ended up great, instead of starting off as the worst thing ever and ending as a worthless petri dish of awfulness that is now legally classified as a form of torture by the United Nation.

Trust me, loyal subjects, I’m going to beat this horse into the fucking ground, and I’m going to enjoy every minute of it.

Overall: The second half is comparatively overwhelming for sure, but it’s not bad at all, and the incredible performances and the intensity of the first half more than make up for it.

Rating: 8.5/10

Fun fact: I first heard about Dr. Dre from the Dr. Pepper commercials. Any meager street cred that I may have possessed is now nonexistent.

Quote of the Day- August 15, 2015

“I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords. I’d like to remind them as a trusted TV personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves.”

— Kent Brockman, The Simpsons

Still more legit than Fox News.

Quote of the Day- August 13, 2015

“If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. If an elephant has its foot on the tail of a mouse, and you say that you are neutral, the mouse will not appreciate your neutrality.”

-Desmond Tutu

Very few people can make a skullcap look badass. Kudos.

Fantastic Four (Movie Review)

Stylized titles need to go ahead and put themselves out of their own misery.

I come to bury the Fantastic Four, not to praise them.

Fantastic Four

Directed by: Josh Trank (Chronicle)

Produced by: Gregory Goodman, Simon Kinberg, Robert Kulzar, Hutch Parker, Matthew Vaughn

Screenplay by: Simon Kinberg, Jeremy Slater, Josh Trank

Based on: Fantastic Four  by Stan Lee & Jack Kirby

Genre: Superhero

Starring: Miles Teller, Michael B. Jordan, Kate Mara, Jamie Bell, Toby Kebbell, Reg E. Cathey, Tim Blake Nelson

Music by: Marco Beltrami & Philip Glass

Plot: In search of the key to unlocking the ever-elusive secrets of teleportation and interdimensional travel , Dr. Franklin Storm (Reg E. Cathey) of the Baxter Foundation employs four young geniuses to seal the deal: Reed Richards (Miles Teller), Victor Von Doom (Yes they’re still calling him that…. Er, I mean, Toby Kebbell) and his own kids, Susan (Kate Mara) and Johnny (Michael B. Jordan). When the kids’ (Plus Reed’s childhood friend, Ben Grimm) experiment in the so-called “Planet Zero” (Because apparently, “Negative Zone” ,as it’s known in the comics, is too silly of a name for a movie where the main villain is called “Victor von Fucking Doom”) goes horribly wrong, the kids gain superhuman abilities. Reed gains the ability to stretch his body parts to abnormal lengths (Get your mind out of the gutter) Ben gets turned into a giant, supernaturally strong rock monster, Johnny gains the ability to set himself on fire and fly at will with no repercussions, Sue can turn invisible and use force fields and Victor von Bad Guy fucks off to the other dimension, goes insane, develops a power set vaguer than the Scarlet Witch, and decides to destroy the world, because whoever was rewriting this movie for the tenth time forgot to add a climax, and just picked the stock villain goal, regardless of whether it’s in the character’s nature or not.

He should’ve been named Victor Domashev. Come at me fanboys, I’m waiting.

And then, the good guys are spirited off to a secret government facility known as Area 57 (Because they couldn’t get the film rights to Area 51, apparently) where the government tries to weaponize them, because the Evil Government is Evil.

I can already feel the hatred flowing through me. God that feels good.

To say that Fantastic Four (Or if you’re lobotomized, Fant4stic) had a troubled production would be stating the obvious, at this point. At this point, those of us who tried to remain optimistic were hoping that it would be another case of persevering through adversity, Star Wars and Jaws style.

Well…. That shows what I fucking get for looking on the bright side. It’s all Nietzsche and self-hatred from here on out.

Come at me you beautiful motherfucker. I’m ready for your sweet, sweet nihilism all over me.

One controversial decision was the casting of Michael B. Jordan, a black man, as Johnny Storm, who is traditionally depicted as being a white man. I want to make myself abundantly clear about this: If you give the slightest shit about the Human Torch being black, you are likely racist, and I want you to leave. And if your retort to that is to point out the fact that I wouldn’t want Black Panther being played by a white man, then I strongly suggest euthanasia to avoid contaminating the gene pool further with your stupidity.

Michael B. Jordan isn’t the problem. None of the actors are. Every part is perfectly cast by greatly talented people, and they bring all they possibly can to this movie. In a parallel universe, we would have a FF movie that isn’t apparently being made by brain-damaged chimps with stump hands locked in a room with semi-functional typewriters. In that world, this cast is now being showered with praise instead of, well, I shudder to think of what horrible things are being said about the actors by overly emotional fanboys.

“HEY!!! These people don’t conform with societal expectations of racial dynamics in an American family! KILL THEM!!!”                                        -Idiots

All these supremely talented performers can’t save this movie from the aforementioned chimps with stump hands, though. Here’s an example of the stellar (Paraphrased) dialogue you can find in Fant4stic (Fuck, now I’m doing it):

Victor von Bad enough dude to save the president: “Do you think that maybe  the Earth really deserved to be saved? People are kind of the worst. That’s a conclusion I came to in my nonexistent character development!”

Susan: “Check out Dr. Doom over here!”

I don’t know about you, but I smell an Oscar!

In addition to the piss-poor dialogue and the lack of any character development whatsoever, the characters are bland and nondescript, with the screenwriters reducing their personalities to the faintest possible resemblance of their counterparts from the comics. Reed’s personality? “Smart guy”. Ben’s? “Sad, strong guy.” Johnny? “Angry guy.” Sue? “Girl.”Victor Von Holy shit some names should stay in the Sixties? Well… Let’s go ahead and talk about this bleached asshole of a villain.

God, he looks like the result of a one-night stand between a crash test dummy and C-3PO.

If somebody could please tell me how this snivelling emo loser who suddenly decides to destroy the world (For… Reasons) is supposed to be the pondering, dictatorial badass from the comics, that would be much appreciated.

While you’re at it, can somebody please tell me how this look is supposed to be equal to the comics in terms of awesomeness?

He looks like a blow-up doll made out of ballistics gel.

Dr. Doom isn’t the only thing that looks like shit. The visual effects are worse than any blockbuster movie of this day and age have any right to be. There’s one scene where Reed and Ben teleport a toy plane, and the ensuing flash looks like something made via Windows XP effect.

This game of solitary is more technologically advanced than the effects in Fantastic Four.

There were some complaints about the look of Ben Grimm after his new look was revealed as well, but I actually rather liked it. No one depiction of the thing is going to please everybody, but at least this time, he’s not just a guy in a rubber suit. There are definitely worse character designs out there.

He looks like the deformed son Ultron never told anybody about.

Even if those issues weren’t monumental, which they are, the movie would still be tanked by the fact that it’s a poorly edited, uneven backloaded mess. They should make this movie required viewing at film schools as an example of what to avoid at all costs when editing film. 20th Century Fox’s last-ditch efforts to salvage the mess Trank made and/or micromanage Trank to the point where he allegedly just gave up doesn’t pay off because the movie ambles along at a painfully slow pace, devoting it’s time to clunky character development and the occasional shitty joke. Then, in the last ten minutes or so, the filmmakers realize that “Oh shit! We totally forgot about the climax!” so they bring in Dr. Doom with next to no explanation, and we’re treated to a fight so overblown and lethargic that the audience just does not care anymore. And neither do the actors, for that matter. Reshoots probably don’t do much for your enthusiasm for working on a project.

Also, why do they not need they not need a special suit to survive in the Negative Zone (I’m not calling it fucking Planet Zero) during the climax, but earlier in the movie, they clearly need those suits to survive? And why do I expect logical thinking from the same people who think that Miles Teller and Jamie Bell look like high schoolers.

Overall: Even if it is the worst superhero movie since Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, at least Fant4stic has inspired me to write my own FF screenplay, if only because I’m one hundred percent certain that it wouldn’t end up as badly as this one.

Rating: 2/10

He looks like the Vision wearing a giant, skintight condom.

Who the F*** is That?!?!- Deadpool (Part 1 of 3)

Truth, Justice, and an intense amount of gore and intestines flying about!

It’s a good thing these trailers keep coming out. How else would I get around posting original content for once in my damn life?

A mere week or so after I completed my Suicide Squad posts (Parts 1, 2 and 3 can be found here, here and here, respectively), a slightly condensed version of the Deadpool trailer from Comic-Con dropped, and, being both a comic fan and a child of the new millennium, the prospect of a Deadpool movie finally getting made and getting made right is very exciting, especially after the shitshow that was X-Men Origins: Wolverine.

Here’s the red-band trailer, because nobody cares about the stupid PG-13 version.

Like Suicide Squad, a lot of these characters are pretty obscure, just as, if not more obscure than Slipknot or El Diablo. Case in point…

Ellie Phimister/Negasonic Teenage Warhead

I’m kicking myself for not naming my blog “Negasonic Teenage Warhead”.

First appearance: New X-Men #152 (August 2001)

Created by: Grant Morrison, Frank Quitely

Portrayed by: Brianna Hildebrand (N/A. Deadpool is her first movie)

Other portrayals: N/A

The incredibly named Negasonic Teenage Warhead is the Z-Listiest among this cast of C and D listers, given as she only appeared in fourteen issues of Marvel Comics, and even I, who could recite the history of Katana and Rocket Raccoon if you put a gun to my head right now, had to make sure that this was an established character, and not either somebody made up for the movie, or the name of a hardcore band from the 80’s.

Well, she definitely has the 80’s hardcore look down.

NTW was a teenager (Duh) from the island of Genosha, which, to put a long story short, is an island northeast of Madagascar with a population that is just about entirely comprised of mutants. She was a student of Emma Frost (January Jones in X-Men: First Class), which suggests that she, like Frost, has telepathic abilities, although to what extent, I don’t know. Her main power is her ability for foresight, having precognitive nightmares that predicted that the entire population of Genosha was going to be killed. Apparently, the geniuses in charge of Genosha decided that they could afford to ignore the person whose whole deal is that she can tell the future. Did this decision pay off?

Nooooooooooo.

In the ensuing massacre of Genoshan mutants by the evil Cassandra Nova, NTW was killed. She survived as part of Emma Frost’s subconscious, and briefly came back to life when her, uh, subconscious came back to life and attacked the X-Men (I don’t fuckin’ know) before being killed again by Cyclops. She was finally resurrected by the evil Selene, who she served as a slave until Selene was killed by Warpath. Her current status is unknown.

…This is almost certainly not going to be her movie origin though, so you might as well treat her like an all new character.

Christina/Angel Dust

I’d rather see Ronda Rousey, but this works too.

First appearance: Morlocks #1 (June 2002)

Created by: Geoff Johns, Shawn Martinbrough

Portrayed by: Gina Carano (Haywire, Fast & Furious 6)

Other portrayals: N/A

Hold on a minute, I need to satisfy my curiosity.

Ha! I knew it! And also, WHAT THE FUCK!?!?

Scared by the sudden development of her mutant powers, Angel Dust ran away from home and joined the Chicago faction of the Morlock, which are essentially mutants that live in the sewers, in self-imposed exile from the rest of society, because blah blah blah, it’s a metaphor for racism. After defeating a Sentinel base with the rest of her Morlock pals, she returns home to her parents, who are surprisingly accepting of her situation. She was later depowered after M-Day, which is a whole other thing that I’m not going to get into now.

Even more so than Negasonic Teenage Warhead, Angel Dust’s origin story is pretty much irrelevant to the Deadpool movie, as we see that she’s actually an antagonist in the movie, and is a guard or something in the facility where Deadpool is being held. Hopefully the next character’s comic book origins will actually be consequential to the movie. And take up more than a paragraph’s worth of history.

Vanessa Carlysle/Copycat

❤

First appearance: New Mutants #98 (February 1991) (Posing as Domino), X-Force #11 (June 1992) (As Vanessa)

Created by: Rob Liefeld, Fabian Nicieza

Portrayed by: Morena Baccarin (Firefly, Stargate SG-1, Homeland)

Other portrayals: N/A

Oh, good, Copycat. She’s a main Deadpool character, let’s do this!

Vanessa Carslysle was a mutant with the gift of shapeshifting who had fallen into a life of prostitution in Boston. She was saved from this shitty situation when she fell in love with a Canadian mercenary named Wade Wilson. After running off with Wilson, he ended up dumping her when he discovered that he had been afflicted with cancer. Heartbroken, Vanessa utilized her mutant talents to become a mercenary herself, infiltrating the New Mutants for her first mission and becoming a staple supporting character in X-Men spinoffs like X-Force and New Mutants when she was impersonating Domino, as well as an on-again-off again love interest for Deadpool until her death at the hands of Sabretooth in 2001 (Though she was resurrected, she just hasn’t appeared at all since then, except for a brief cameo in a recent issue).

Cue waterworks.

Not bad for a character who’s basically a clone of Mystique, down to the impractical lack of clothing.

Someone really needs to tell comic book artists that female body armour is a thing that exists.

Well, she’s actually not a complete clone of Mystique. In addition to being able to perfectly mimic somebody else down to the molecular level, she can also replicate their powers. Will all this awesomeness come into play during the movie? As of right now, It doesn’t look that way, as during no part of the trailer does it mention that Vanessa is either a mutant or a mercenary. That said, Movie Vanessa is definitely Deadpool’s love interest, and her sordid origins may be more or less the same, judging from the scene that takes place from 1:47 to 1:49 in the trailer. Judging by the trailer and the fact that we haven’t seen Morena Baccarin gussied up in body paint (Drool) or motion-capture gear means that we’ll likely have to wait until the inevitable sequel for her to become all blue and shit.

Personally, I’m hoping Ben Franklin’s ghost makes a surprise cameo instead.

To be continued…

July 2015 Movie Round-up

That horse has eaten and shat out things that would entertain me more than some of these movies.

Just a heads-up, I know that Mission: Impossible is coming out this weekend, and that’s a huge deal, and Fantastic Four (Quick prayer) is coming out next weekend, but I may not be able to see either of them. MI5 is more likely to be missed, unfortunately, but I’ll try to see it some time this weekend, even if the review comes out later than I’d like. Same goes for FF, but… Well, we’ll see.

Whatever, let’s get into this shitshow.

Spy

“I look like someone’s homophobic aunt!”

Directed by: Paul Feig

Starring: Melissa McCarthy, Rose Byrne, Jason Statham, Jude Law, Allison Janney, Miranda Hart, Bobby Cannavale

Plot: Susan Cooper (Melissa McCarthy) is a CIA agent, but not one of the cool ones, who get to steal state secrets, make quips, assassinate world leaders, and the such. Instead, she is desk-bound, guiding her partner (Jude Law) on his missions through his earpiece. However, criminal heiress Rayna Boyanov (Rose Byrne) steals a nuclear device, and all field agents are unable to go after her, as she has learnt all their identities. In a last-ditch effort to stop The Bomb from getting into the wrong hands, Susan is sent after Rayne. Hilarity ensues.

Before this movie, Melissa McCarthy was struggling to get out of a rut. After a hilarious, Oscar-nominated turn in Bridesmaids, she kind of became a more talented, female version of Kevin James. Identity Thief was awful and The Hangover Part III  didn’t exactly help matters. The Heat was pretty good, but she followed that up with Tammy. I would rather watch somebody getting a needle slowly stuck into their eyeball than watch Tammy again.

After that arid wasteland of a comedy, McCarthy turned in a great dramatic performance opposite Bill Murray in the solid dramedy St. Vincent. Now, in Spy, she gets to join Charlize Theron as one of the biggest of the notable female asskickers this year. Who would’ve thought that?

And guess what Bryce Dallas Howard? She had the foresight to kick all that ass after TAKING OFF HER FUCKING HEELS.

What I loved about this movie is that it doesn’t fall into the trap of making fun of McCarthy’s appearance for the entire runtime. When I compared McCarthy to Kevin Fucking James earlier, I didn’t mean in terms of talent and acting ability, because the best performance that Kevin James has ever turned in is in goddamn Barnyard.

Alternate tagline: “It’s like if the plot from Lion King didn’t want to live!!!”

What I saw in Tammy that worried me was the growing resemblance to a movie like Paul Blart: Mall Cop in terms of story, character and humour. I’m sure you know what I mean. It’s one of those movies that appeals to the lowest common denominator, who just want to see a movie about stupid people who don’t meet societal standards of body image falling over and generally not being funny.

In Spy, McCarthy is not only very funny- She’s extremely capable, highly intelligent, frequently the most capable person in the room and, get this, a legitimate action star. We live in a world in which Melissa McCarthy can be an action star. That is so goddamn awesome.

• + As awesome as McCarthy is, my favourite performance in this movie that isn’t the guy in the next bullet point is Rose Byrne. After this and Neighbors, we should probably get her a part in Ghostbusters and be done with it.
• + Jason Statham. That is all.
• + This movie single-handedly proves that insult comedy is an art form. I would murder truckloads of people for the ability to write insults half as funny as these ones.

Only for me to still probably forget them in an actual real-life confrontation.

• – Miranda Hart is really funny, but she kind of gets old the minute her character gets upgraded to a major supporting role.

Rating: 8.5/10

The Boy Next Door

Oh lord, here we go…

Directed by: Rob Cohen

Starring: Jennifer Lopez, Ryan Guzman, John Corbett, Ian Nelson, Kristin Chenoweth

Plot: Claire Peterson (Lopez) is having a rough go of it, going through a separation with her cheating husband (Corbett) and being left with custody of their oft-bullied son (Nelson). All appears to be going better after a new neighbour, Noah,  moves in next door (Guzman) to help his elderly uncle, who only exists as a story device and, without explanation, does not appear again once his story purpose is served. Good job writers! That isn’t infuriatingly bad writing at all!

Anyway, the Boy Next Door (Wank-off motion) helps the son stand up for himself and becomes good friends with him, as well as Claire, who is to be his high school English teacher. One night, after a date gone wrong with a stock asshole character, Claire allows herself to be seduced by Noah, and has a one-night stand with him (But  don’t worry, the movie insists that he’s nineteen, so it’s not technically pedophilia!).

Claire tries to put this behind her, but, surprise! He’s completely insane!

Can’t you tell that from how, uh… Expressive he is???

I expected more from the director of The Fast and the Furious.

• + While Lopez wouldn’t be confused for a good actress, at least she’s not awful in this movie. Just kinda bad. Yes, this is the kind of thing that qualifies as a positive when talking about this movie.
• – I find it amusing how, in awful thrillers like this, nobody ever has the idea of calling the fucking police. Or, at the very least, trying for a restraining order against the violent stalker.
• – There’s a scene where Noah gives Claire a “first edition copy of The Iliad” as a present. THis wouldn’t be a big deal… If the first copies of The Iliad weren’t written three thousand years ago in Ancient Greece. Of course, it’s possible that Noah was referring to the first English edition of The Iliad… But in that case, why does it’s condition look like that of something that I would find on a Bestsellers shelf at Indigo?

And for that matter… How the fuck does a nineteen-year old get his hands on a “first-edition” copy of the goddamn Iliad?

• – Ryan Guzman peaked in the Step Up movies. Awful thing to say about somebody, I know, but… Yeah, he’s pretty horrible.

Rating: 2/10

When Marnie Was There

“You ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?”

Directed by: Hiromasa Yonebayashi

Starring (Japanese cast): Sara Takatsuki, Kasami Arimura

Plot:  Anna Sasaki (Takatsuki) is a lonely, depressed 12-year old girl, tormented by feelings of self-loathing, who suffers from asthma attacks, because apparently, she angered some petty god who decided “Fuck her! Here’s all the bad shit!”. After a particularly bad asthma attack, her parents decide to send her to spend her summer in Kushiro with her aunt and uncle, hoping that the clean air of the Japanese countryside will do her some good.

While in Kushiro, Anna discovers an old, dilapidated mountain on the shore of a salt marsh. While investigating the mansion, she discovers a mysterious blonde foreigner girl named Marnie (Arimura) who only appears at certain times, and who strikes up a close friendship with Anna.

The tough times that Studio Ghibli was going though after the retirement of Hayao Miyazaki a few years back culminated in the legendary animation studio finally going on hiatus in August of last year, but not before releasing their last film, When Marnie Was There. And it’s a damn shame, because When Marnie Was There may be one of the better movies to come out of the studio.

• + Computer-animated movies can be awesome, but it’s nice to see that there is (Or “was” rather), a studio that still has/had faith in hand-drawn animation. there’s really no good reason why that style of animation appears to be in the middle of being phased out in the West, at least in movies.
• + I hate the cliche of critics guaranteeing that “You will cry!” while watching a movie, but yeah. If you have any semblance of a heart, you probably will cry.
• + I haven’t seen the English dub, but the Japanese version is version is well-acted, for all I know. Who knows, it could be acted by the Japanese equivalent of Rob Schneider, and I wouldn’t know.
• – If you pay the faintest semblance of attention, it’s pretty easy to figure out the big mystery of the movie on your own. I figured it out about halfway through.

Rating: 8.5/10

The Loft

Captain Cold, Cyclops, Bones and the gay dude from Modern Family, all gathered in one place for your…uh…Amusement?

Directed by: Erik Van Looy

Starring: Karl Urban, James Marsden, Wentworth Miller, Eric Stonestreet, Matthias Schoenaerts. Rhona Mitra, Rachael Taylor, Isabel Lucas

Plot: Five awful, awful people who the movie would have you believe are friends (Urban, Marsden, miller, Stonestreet and Schoenaerts) are co-owners of a loft where they all take their mistresses behind their wives’ backs. One day, they discover a dead woman in the bedroom of the loft, and deduce that one of them must have done the deed, as they’re the only people with keys. Hilarity ensues.

The Loft is based on a Belgian movie of the same name (And same director) that is almost certainly a million times better than this piece of horseshit.

• – Karl Urban and James Marden do the best that they possibly can with an atrocious script, and do enough to make themselves not unwatchable, at the least. The other actors are fucking terrible, though. Wentworth Miller tries to be crazy, and ends up just staring blankly at everything, occasionally screaming when the plot remembers that he’s supposed to be mentally unbalanced, and not a member of the Walking Comatose. Schoenaerts (Who was actually a cast member of the original movie) plays a fucking caricature, and Eric Stonestreet- Wait, no, Eric Stonestreet gets his own paragraph.
• – ERIC STONESTREET’S CHARACTER IS THE FUCKING WORST. It’s one thing to present a character as being an obnoxious loudmouth, but this… This goes well beyond that. I felt physically and mentally violated every time this turd opened up his garbage-spewing mouth. I wish that his character got thrown off a fucking building.

…

I like Eric Stonestreet, though.

• – As awful as the male characters are, at least James Marsden is a semi-redeemable human being. Wanna find a female character that isn’t a mean conniver, nymphomaniac, or stereotypical jealous, shrewish wife? Good. Fucking. Luck.
• – If you still cared about the mystery by the time the movie was a quarter of the way through, then congratulations! This is probably the first movie you’ve ever seen! May you look forward to much, much, much better things in the future!

Rating: 1/10

’71

Belfast, 1971 looks an awful lot like San Salvador, 2015. That’s probably not good.

Directed by: Yann Demange

Starring: Jack O’Connell, Richard Dormer, Sean Harris, Sam Reid, Charlie Murphy, David Wilmot, Paul Anderson, Paul Popplewell

Plot: Private Gary Hook (O’Connell) is a young British Army recruit whose squadron is sent to Belfast, Northern Ireland, during the Troubles (Google them). When a routine firearm inspection in a Catholic neighbourhood goes horribly, horribly wrong, Gary finds himself stranded alone in hostile territory, solely dependant on his wits and on the hospitality (Or lack thereof) of the Irish civilians.

I can’t exactly speak to having any personal insight about the Troubles. My Irish ancestors got the fuck out of Dodge (Dodgederry?) the second the Potato Famine struck.

That’s not a racist joke, by the way. That’s an actual thing that happened. Look it up.

That’s why this movie was so interesting to me. Not only because of the tense, pulse-pounding action and suspense, but because of the political intrigue between the various factions vying for power and the civilians, just trying to get by, regardless of ideology.

Also, I could listen to Irish accents all day.

• + Jack O’Connell is really terrific. I’ve heard he’s good in Unbreakable (Which I haven’t seen) and I can attest to his talent after watching ’71. Good on ya, kid (Said the 18-year old to the 24-year old).
• + When a movie’s ending has you reeling at the injustice of it all, that’s a good friggin’ movie. Ditto when the movie has my eyeballs drying up, because I’m afraid of missing something if I so much as blink.
• + There’s a small child in this movie who’s legitimately excellent. Hard to believe, I know. Maybe it’s just America that has all the shitty child actors.
• = Belfast during the Troubles was fuckin’ brutal, holy shit.

Rating: 9/10

Hot Pursuit

The tagline is the funniest thing about the movie. And the tagine is total shit!

Directed by: Anne Fletcher

Starring: Reese Witherspoon, Sofia Vergara

Plot: … No.

No. I have spent way too much of my time on this round-up. Two thousand words’ worth. My family hasn’t seen me all day (I work slowly). I am not wasting any time talking about the plot to fucking Hot Pursuit. I HAVE TOO MUCH FUCKING DIGNITY, DAMMIT!!!

…

Sigh.

Reese Witherspoon plays an uptight, by-the-book Texan cop who’s tasked with escorting the wife of a drug lord, played by Sofia Vergara, to Dallas, in order to get her spirited away by the F.B.I. into the wonderful ether that is Witness Protection. When that goes wrong, a distinct lack of hilarity ensues.

• + The guy who plays the main villain is alright. Too bad he’s only in it for, like, a minute.
• – Reese Witherspoon is a great actress. I love Reese Witherspoon. She was terrific in Wild last year. What does she bring to this project? A god-awful accent and a grating performance of a cliched character that I want to punch in the face every time I see her. I don’t care how cute she looks in a red dress, I wanted her dead.
• – Sofia Vergara, while better than Witherspoon, believe it or not, is really, really terrible. There were a couple times when her dialogue consisted of nothing but nasal screeches. That’s not a slight on her latino accent (Shit, I’m half latino myself, what grounds would I have for that?), but, how do I put this, her accent doesn’t help the fact that her dialogue is mostly nasal screeching.
• – As one would expect, two terrible performances does not lead to great chemistry between the two performers. It also doesn’t help that this humour is fucking nonexistent, being written and directed extremely awkwardly.

Here’s an example: There’s a scene in which Witherspoon tries breaking into someone’s car. The way that Vergara tries to get them out of it is by, uh, claiming that they’re veterinarians who are also lesbian lovers? What? How is that supposed to get them out of trouble (In Texas, especially!)? It’s like if a thirteen year old boy was handed the script for rewrites, and decided that the fact that these two women are randomly lesbians is somehow funny, because lesbians are hot and homosexuality’s a joke to them, I guess. Whatever. It’s not funny, and anybody who thinks that it is funny should be ashamed of themselves.

Rating: 0.5/10

I wanted to blow my fucking brains out at this part. If you’ve seen the movie, you know what I’m talking about.