Game of Thrones- Season 5, Episode 5: Kill the Boy (Review/Recap)

Gonna kill, kill, kill, kill kill the boy/ Kill kill kill kill kill the boy/Kill kill kill kill kill the boy toniiiiiiiiight…

Halfway through the season, and nobody I love dearly has been murdered yet! I have absolutely no hope for that to remain the case, but we’ll see!

SPOILER ALERT. OBVIOUSLY.

 The North

Podrick and Brienne are hanging out in an inn outside of Winterfell, being generally awesome.

That’s pretty much it. Moving right along!!!

Winterfell

After what I can only assume to have been the most terrifying session of lovemaking known to man, gratuitously naked Evil Elijah Wood  has a tense conversation with his psychotic (And also gratuitously naked) girlfriend, Myranda. Being a jealous psycho, she isn’t particularly happy about EEW marrying Sansa. He responds by initiating another hardcore, terrifying fuck session.

Boy, does Sansa have a ton to look forward to!

Later, Myranda shows Reek (Or, as I like to call him, “The Dirtbag Formerly Known as Theon Greyjoy”) to Sansa. Later, at the Bolton family table, EEW parades Reek around, forcing him to apologize to Sansa for murdering Bran and Rickon (About that…). EEW stops crowing, however, when Roose announces that he and Walda Frey (Google it) are expecting a child. That poor, poor kid.

Ramsay starts sulking about his inheritance being in jeopardy, an Roose assures him of his place as his oldest son in a heartwarming father-son chat… Or what would be if heartwarming if it didn’t involve murdering a woman’s husband, raping said woman under the hanging corpse of said husband, and considering throwing the, uh, “lovechild” (For unfortunate lack of a better word) into a well. Boy, does this tremendous prick need to die horribly. I would so love that.

Has anyone ever told you that you would look lovely with a shotgun repeatedly unloading into your face and torso?

Wait a minute….

Ye gods…

The Wall

Jon, rather surprisingly, decides to go beyond the wall with Thormund Giantsbane to offer the Wildlings a chance to settle South of the Wall, a plan that is thoroughly rejected by damn near every one of his comrades. Being stubborn, yet awesome, he decides to go ahead with his plan anyways. I’d be less worried about this plan if it didn’t involve saving the goddamn Thenns. Fuck those guys.

How does one make those markings?… On second thought, I don’t wanna know.

Also, Stannis heads out to march on Winterfell. Uh, good luck with that, I guess???

Meereen

In the aftermath of the fight with the Sons of the Harpy, Grey Worm is injured, but survives (Rejoice all you, uh, Grey Worm fans!!!). Ser Barristan Selmy, on the other hand, isn’t so lucky, succumbing to his wounds (Hat tip of respect). Daenerys rounds up the leaders of the great families, including Hizdahr zo Loraq (Look him up) and threatens them with her dragons, even allowing one of the nobles to be burnt to a crisp and torn apart by Viserion and Rhaegal. Why does she do this? Fuck if I know.

After letting him stew in a cell for a few days, Dany visits Hizdahr zo Loraq in his cell, and tells him that she will reopen the fighting pits to free men (Ruh roh!!!) and, in order to forge a stronger alliance with the people of Meereen, she intends to wed Hizdahr.

There is no conceivable way this will end well.

The Narrow Sea

As Tyrion and Jorah chat, we get our first glimpse of the ruins of Old Valyria, the ancestral home of the Targaryens, which, I gotta say, looks really, really beautiful. One wonders why anybody would ever think of lea-AHHHHHH!!!!! DRAGONS AND LEPERS!!!! BURN IT TO THE GROUND!!!!

Jorah regains his badass card by saving Tyrion, but, unfortunately, it’s revealed that he has contracted Greyscale. Why must this show hurt me so?

Overall: The season as a whole is still proving to be a slow burn, but if it continues to be this enjoyable, that’s fine by me.

Rating: 8.5/10

The next episode is named “Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken”, which is the motto of, uh, which house again?

OH SHIT, MYRCELLA, RUN!!!!!!

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