Monthly Archives: May 2015

Game of Thrones- Season 5, Episode 7: The Gift (SPOILER Review/Recap)

Well, look who came crawling the fuck back!

No Arya today, but considering how much stuff happened in this episode, that’s probably a good thing. Shame about the Dorne storyline not really going anywhere tho-

*Brain short circuits*.

SPOILER ALERT. OBVIOUSLY.

The Wall

Jon Snow leaves with Tormund Giantsbane for Hardhome, which I assume is the home of the Wildlings North of the Wall. I dunno, Google it, I guess. Before he leaves, Sam gives Jon the Dragonglass he used to kill the White Walker, which I’m sure definitely means that Jon won’t have to use it. Now left attending an old and frail Maester Aemon Targaryen, Sam is left with Gilly as his only friend at Castle Black when Aemon dies in what’s actually a really touching death scene, especially in a show in which death is usually accompanied by head explosions and the audience’s’ screams of dismay. It was really well done, and quite sad, especially when he starts talking to his little brother, Aegon.

Sam gives a nice eulogy for the Maester before Alliser Thorne threatens him, like a dick. Who knew that giving him power would result in it going to his head? Later that night, Sam and Gilly are assaulted by a couple of the more rapey Brothers of the Night’s Watch, and are only saved by Ghost, who has been off doing whatever the fuck direwolves do in this goddamn show.

Somewhere, Nymeria is pulling all the strings. I’m calling it right now.

Anyways, Gilly tends to Sam’s wounds, and then they totally bang. Hey! Maybe this episode won’t be totally horri-

Winterfell

Oh, God damn it. Shit, let’s just get through this.

Sansa asks Reek to help her escape Winterfell. I call him Reek and not Theon, because he’s still being a sleazy little fuck, selling out Sansa to Evil Elijah Wood and getting a nice old lady flaid to death. I mean, I get that he was psychologically torn to shreds by Evil Elijah Wood, but there comes a point where he would display the slightest bit of a fucking conscience at least, right?

If I half-assedly defended that scene in the last episode for nothing, then I’m going to be pretty goddamn angry.

Anyways, Sansa steals what looks like a small, bladed tool, and if that means that EEW’s days are numbered, well, yes please.

I can only rewatch his death in Sin City so many times.

Miscellaneous Winter

Stannis is having a pretty rough go of it. Not only are his troops, used to fighting in warmer climates, having real trouble slogging through the Northern winter, but the Sellswords he paid for have abandoned him, and Davos is counselling a return to Castle Black. Stannis cordially tells him to fuck off and turns instead to Melisandre for help. She tells him that she is sure of his victory, but it would really help if we would go ahead and sacrifice his only daughter to the Red God. Fuck this lady.

To his credit, Stannis tells her to go soak her head. That’s Stannis for ya: A+ parent, thoroughly mediocre human being otherwise.

Meereen

Tyrion and Jorah are now officially owned by a noble named Yezzan no Qaggaz, who (Surprise!) is a complete and utter dickhead.

I know, slavers are dicks, it came as a shock to me, too.

The odd couple are destined for the fighting pits of Meereen, where, double surprise, Daenarys is visiting the smaller arenas before the main event, but not before enjoying a roll in the hay with Recast McFuckface. I guess she’s into him for his looks, because he’s spewing some garbage about murdering the nobles. Because that’s obviously going to end well. Wisely, she ignores him (For now!?!?) and goes to the fight, where she is disgusted, because she has at least some semblance of morals. When Jorah hears that Dany is watching the carnage, he rushes onto the arena and presents himself to her. Before she can feed him to one of her overgrown newts, Tyrion wanders into the arena, revealing himself to be Jorah’s gift to her.

Dayum. This is gonna be good.

Dorne

Bewbs.

Oh, and, uh, Jamie, Myrcella, something something.

I am a shallow pig. Mind as well admit that now.

King’s Landing

In the Sept of Baelor, Olenna Tyrell meets with the High Sparrow, trying to get him to release Loras and Queen Margaery after he and Cersei sicced the Faith Militant on them. When he proves headstrong, Olenna tries to bribe him, an, unlike literally anybody else in King’s Landing, the High Sparrow proves that he is not in it for himself. Scarily enough, he legitimately believes that he’s doing the god’s work, and cannot be dissuaded from doing what he believes is right. Wotta dick.

Also, Petyr plots with Olena about probably some wretched shit.

In the Sept, Cersei visits Margaery in the Queen’s cell in order to gloat, flashing her shit-eating grin in unrepentant glee. God, I can’t wait till someone gives this PsychoBitch the defeat she-

Oh. OH.

OH DAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYUUUUUUMMMMMM!!!!!!!!

I’m really hoping someone around you was using an air horn when you were reading that. You know, for effect.

Overall: Probably the best episode of the season so far, “The Gift” does a good job setting up what I can only hope are the earth-shattering (And hopefully not horrible) events to come.

The perfect accompaniment, I think.

Quote of the Day- May 23, 2015

I know I used an Oscar Wilde quote fairly recently, but given the events in Ireland today, it seems appropriate.

“Hear no evil, speak no evil-and you’ll never be invited to a party.”

-Oscar Motherfucking Wilde

Featured image

If I could have anybody’s ghost haunt me… It would still be Robin Williams. Oscar Wilde is a close second, though.

Game of Thrones- Season 5, Episode 6: Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken (SPOILER Review/Recap)

You’ll get yours, you motherfucker….

I’ll be honest, I really wanted to skip this review. I feel like the tone that I set in these recaps is not one that is well suited for the controversy surrounding the last sequence of this episode. But, I also feel like I have an obligation to, y’know, actually follow through on something. So, I will review this episode, but I will avoid talking about the scene that has set the internet ablaze. There are many places to rationally discuss the benefits (If there are any) and drawbacks of said seen, but I don’t think the comment section of somebody who’s about to comment on how much a dick joke made him laugh is the best place to do so. That said, I may touch on it when I do my (moderately) more serious overall review of the season once all the episodes have aired. For now, the two things I have to say about the controversy are A) I don’t think that, technically speaking, the scene was done very well, and B) If people think that Game of Thrones has gone too far just now, they haven’t been paying attention.

Alright, let’s get on with it.

SPOILER ALERT. OBVIOUSLY. 

Braavos

Arya continues her illustrious career of washing dead bodies for some reason. In between corpse-bathing sessions, she is tormented by Jaqen H’ghar and that other girl (Who I guess is called The Waif. Okay then, maybe I just wasn’t paying attention), who seem to be training her to lie believably in order to make her a more effective assassin, one would assume. She doesn’t do particularly well, and gets increasingly frustrated with the fact that not a damn thing has happened since joining the Faceless Men. Not to get too whiny, but that makes two of us.

That is quickly remedied, however, when she euthanizes a sick young girl using the poisoned water from the Well. Her bedside manner and newfound skill in the art of lying her damn face off in order to comfort the girl convince Jaqen that she’s worthy, I guess, because he takes Arya downstairs underneath the temple, where the spires double as storage areas for all the faces of the people who’ve died in the temple.

The Joker would be envious.

As Arya does what any rational, clear-thinking human being would do in the situation (Poke the faces), Jaqen explains to her that he does not believe she is ready to become “No One”, but that she must become “Someone else”. I hope the rest of the storyline isn’t just them playing Second Life for four episodes.

“A Man thinks A Girl may be getting into this a little too much.”

Spain  Dorne

Not to make assumptions, but Myrcella doesn’t look all that unhappy in Dorne.

Not to say that many teenage girls would like to be desired by someone who looks like a boy band reject, but…

That presumed not-unhappiness is proven short-lived, however, when Jaime and Bronn show up to rescue her from the, um, tyranny of Trystane Martell. While Trystane doesn’t prove to stand up very well to a swift punch to the face, the rescue attempt goes awry when the Sand Snakes show up, presumably to butcher Myrcella for no good reason, because this is what Spanish Dornish people are like, apparently. The fight comes to an abrupt halt when Dornish Minister of Fucking Badassery, Areo Hotah, arrives on the scene, arresting Jaime, Bronn, the Sand Snakes and even Elia Martell. Sure, why not?

Across the Narrow Sea

Tyrion and Jorah trade Dead Daddy stories. Shortly afterwards, they are captured by slavers. Hilarity ensues.

Seriously, there’s no way I could do it justice. Just watch it again.

King’s Landing

Petyr Baelish returns to King’s Landing, where he is immediately confronted by Lancel and a group of Sparrows, who inform him in no uncertain terms that they will not tolerate his prostitution business anymore, as if he gives a shit about a fucking brothel at this point. And why is it that the Faith Militant don’t arrest him outright? It’s not like power and influence stopped them from arresting Loras Tyrell.

Speaking of which, after getting her dumb ass manipulated by Littlefinger (Phrasing…), Cersei, along with Tommen, Margaery and Olenna Tyrell, oversee the interrogation of Loras Tyrell, and, surprisingly, Margaery herself. The siblings both deny accusations of Loras’ homosexuality, and all seems to be reasonably okay… Until Olyvar (Google him) testifies, pointing the finger at Loras, and testifying that Margaery is fully aware of Loras’ flirtations.

Ruh roh!

The High Shithead decides to arrest not only Loras, but also Margaery. Fuck Cersei. And fuck the High Sparrow, man, I thought he was cool.

Mind you, I also thought Littlefinger was cool, so fuck me, right?

Overall: Aside from that scene I mentioned, another great episode. Not that I’m complaining, but I hope something amazing happens soon. Something preferably not horrifying.

Rating: 8/10

Seriously though, die.

Mad Max: Fury Road (Movie Review)

Brought to you by the writer and director of the Happy Feet movies and Babe: Pig in the City!!!

Oh, what a lovely, lovely day.

Mad Max: Fury Road

Director: George Miller

Produced by: Doug Mitchell, George Miller, P.J. Voeten

Written by: George Miller, Brendan McCarthy, Nico Lathouris

Genre: Action

Starring: Tom Hardy, Charlize Theron, Nicholas Hoult, Hugh Keays-Byrne, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, Riley Keough, Zoe Kravitz, Abbey Lee, Courtney Eaton

Music by: Junkie XL

Plot: Max Rockatansky (Tom Hardy) is doing the two things he does best: Wandering the wasteland that is the Australian Outback after some catastrophic event, and slowly letting his mental instability and past regrets consume him.

“Oh god, I can’t believe I spent three movies as Mel Gibson.”

I had to take that shot. I just had to. I’ll be judged for it some day, but I don’t regret it.

During this adventure (Which I hear takes place between the events of The Road Warrior and Beyond Thunderdome, but don’t quote me on that), Max comes across a group of loonies known as the War Boys, who, being loonies, capture and torture him. The War Boys are led by Immortan Joe (Hugh Keays-Byrne, who also played Toecutter in the original Mad Max movie), a terrifying Beetlejuice-Bane hybrid who rules his territory thanks to the personality cult that he imposes on his people.

While in the custody of the War Boys, Max gets involved in a conflict with Imperator Furiosa (Charlize Theron), a badass warrior lady who has taken Joe’s “Breeder Wives” (Disturbing) with her in a giant truck, in a desperate attempt to get them to a better place. Caught between the two factions, Max is in for the most batshit insane ride of his life.

Raise your hand if you would have trusted a 70-year old man (Whose last project was Happy Feet 2) with a $150 million budget for a ultraviolent, batshit insane movie that includes scenes like, uh, this:

“Furious 7 can blow me.”- George Miller

In case you can’t see, that is, indeed, an actual scene from the movie that involves a man that looks like a Mutant from The Dark Knight Returns dressed in a red onesie playing a twin-necked electric guitar that is shooting fire.

So, everybody who raised their hands? Total liars.

Actually, I think that picture is a pretty good barometer of whether or not you’ll like this movie. If you’re the kind of person who thinks that combining Mutants, electric guitars, flamethrowers and giant, threatening vehicles are awesome, then you’re gonna have a great time.

And if you’re not? I couldn’t care less, you should still watch this movie. Mad Max: Fury Road is fucking amazing. The only movies that I’ve seen since I’ve started reviewing recent releases that I’ve loved more than Mad Max are Birdman and Whiplash, and even then, I’d have to think really hard about putting them above this glorious movie. I truly believe that this will go down in history as one of the classic, genre-defining action movies, and I also think that it’s definitely the best action movie of the decade so far. It is that fucking majestic.

Admittedly, this decade hasn’t exactly set the bar all that high. 

Credit for the awesomeness should probably be laid at the feet of George Miller, the aforementioned 70-year old director, who makes ageist jackasses like me look like total fools. Unlike other directors who return to their franchises after a long hiatus and succumb to the temptation of overdosing on CGI…

Unrelated George Lucas publicity photo.

… Miller wisely decided to use as little CGI as possible, relying mostly on as many practical effects as around $150 million will get you. The result is a veritable goddamned smorgasbord of unhinged vehicular carnage throughout the giant action scene that is this movie.

That last sentence wasn’t an exaggeration, by the way. Fury Road is essentially a two-hour long action scene with some (Very, very well done) dramatic scenes interspersed throughout. You would think that a setup like that would be extremely tedious .

And in most cases, you would be very, very right.

That is not the case with Fury Road. I never once grew tired of the relentless action. Why is that? Well, I’m not sure, but I’ll chalk it up to some combination of the skillful direction of George Miller, the terrific uses of practical effects, my own personal uncontrollable bloodlust, and the score from both Junkie XL and the freak with the guitar, who, awesomely enough, is actually incorporated into the score, to terrific effect.

Aside from being just a terrific score on its own, the music really contributes to an atmosphere of franticness when it calls for it. Believe me, nothing gets your heart pumping like a guiet score getting interrupted by guitars and drums pounding along at a relentless, breakneck pace.

An awesome action movie wouldn’t be awesome without some badass characters fucking shit up, though, and thankfully, Fury Road delivers awesomely on that front too. Tom Hardy is the supposed lead of the movie, replacing Mel Gibson as the titular character. He doesn’t say much, unsurprising, since Mad Max has never been the chattiest of protagonists, but his scowling, brooding, insane demeanor more than does the trick, selling the fact that he’s a goddamned badass who will tear your damned throat out if you so much as squint at him.

The fact that he has prior experience wearing face masks can’t hurt, either.

Nicholas Hoult is also terrific as a War Boy named Nux, who I’m not going to get into for fear of spoilers. Rosie Huntington-Whiteley does a good job of redeeming herself for Transformers: Dark of the Moon with a strong, badass performance here, while Hugh Keays-Byrne is suitably scary as Immortan Joe.

The real standout, though, is the arguable star of the movie, Charlize Theron, who absolutely KILLS it as Furiosa. The rest of this movie could have been total shit, and it still would have been awesome as a whole because of Charlize Theron.

And she pisses off sexists, so that’s awesome too.

Overall: Go see this movie. Just do it. You won’t regret it. Unless you’re epileptic, then maybe wait for the Blu-Ray release. I dunno, just watch the damn movie, alright?

Rating: 10/10

“When you stare into the abyss, Mad Max: Fury Road stares back at you.”- Nietzsche, or some shit.

Game of Thrones- Season 5, Episode 5: Kill the Boy (Review/Recap)

Gonna kill, kill, kill, kill kill the boy/ Kill kill kill kill kill the boy/Kill kill kill kill kill the boy toniiiiiiiiight…

Halfway through the season, and nobody I love dearly has been murdered yet! I have absolutely no hope for that to remain the case, but we’ll see!

SPOILER ALERT. OBVIOUSLY.

 The North

Podrick and Brienne are hanging out in an inn outside of Winterfell, being generally awesome.

That’s pretty much it. Moving right along!!!

Winterfell

After what I can only assume to have been the most terrifying session of lovemaking known to man, gratuitously naked Evil Elijah Wood  has a tense conversation with his psychotic (And also gratuitously naked) girlfriend, Myranda. Being a jealous psycho, she isn’t particularly happy about EEW marrying Sansa. He responds by initiating another hardcore, terrifying fuck session.

Boy, does Sansa have a ton to look forward to!

Later, Myranda shows Reek (Or, as I like to call him, “The Dirtbag Formerly Known as Theon Greyjoy”) to Sansa. Later, at the Bolton family table, EEW parades Reek around, forcing him to apologize to Sansa for murdering Bran and Rickon (About that…). EEW stops crowing, however, when Roose announces that he and Walda Frey (Google it) are expecting a child. That poor, poor kid.

Ramsay starts sulking about his inheritance being in jeopardy, an Roose assures him of his place as his oldest son in a heartwarming father-son chat… Or what would be if heartwarming if it didn’t involve murdering a woman’s husband, raping said woman under the hanging corpse of said husband, and considering throwing the, uh, “lovechild” (For unfortunate lack of a better word) into a well. Boy, does this tremendous prick need to die horribly. I would so love that.

Has anyone ever told you that you would look lovely with a shotgun repeatedly unloading into your face and torso?

Wait a minute….

Ye gods…

The Wall

Jon, rather surprisingly, decides to go beyond the wall with Thormund Giantsbane to offer the Wildlings a chance to settle South of the Wall, a plan that is thoroughly rejected by damn near every one of his comrades. Being stubborn, yet awesome, he decides to go ahead with his plan anyways. I’d be less worried about this plan if it didn’t involve saving the goddamn Thenns. Fuck those guys.

How does one make those markings?… On second thought, I don’t wanna know.

Also, Stannis heads out to march on Winterfell. Uh, good luck with that, I guess???

Meereen

In the aftermath of the fight with the Sons of the Harpy, Grey Worm is injured, but survives (Rejoice all you, uh, Grey Worm fans!!!). Ser Barristan Selmy, on the other hand, isn’t so lucky, succumbing to his wounds (Hat tip of respect). Daenerys rounds up the leaders of the great families, including Hizdahr zo Loraq (Look him up) and threatens them with her dragons, even allowing one of the nobles to be burnt to a crisp and torn apart by Viserion and Rhaegal. Why does she do this? Fuck if I know.

After letting him stew in a cell for a few days, Dany visits Hizdahr zo Loraq in his cell, and tells him that she will reopen the fighting pits to free men (Ruh roh!!!) and, in order to forge a stronger alliance with the people of Meereen, she intends to wed Hizdahr.

There is no conceivable way this will end well.

The Narrow Sea

As Tyrion and Jorah chat, we get our first glimpse of the ruins of Old Valyria, the ancestral home of the Targaryens, which, I gotta say, looks really, really beautiful. One wonders why anybody would ever think of lea-AHHHHHH!!!!! DRAGONS AND LEPERS!!!! BURN IT TO THE GROUND!!!!

Jorah regains his badass card by saving Tyrion, but, unfortunately, it’s revealed that he has contracted Greyscale. Why must this show hurt me so?

Overall: The season as a whole is still proving to be a slow burn, but if it continues to be this enjoyable, that’s fine by me.

Rating: 8.5/10

The next episode is named “Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken”, which is the motto of, uh, which house again?

OH SHIT, MYRCELLA, RUN!!!!!!

Quote of the Day- May 9, 2015

“What do tigers dream of when they take their little tiger snooze? Do they dream of mauling zebras, or Halle Berry in her Catwoman suit? Don’t you worry your pretty striped head, we’re gonna get you back to Tyson and your cozy tiger bed. And then we’re gonna find our best friend Doug, and then we’re gonna give him a best friend hug. Doug, Doug, oh, Doug, Dougie, Dougie, Doug, Doug! But if he’s been murdered by crystal meth tweakers…..  Well then we’re shit out of luck.”

– Stu Price, The Hangover

The Hangover (2009) Poster

This franchise somehow managed to be both the best and worst thing to happen to Todd Phillips’ career.

Game of Thrones- Season 5, Episode 3: Sons of the Harpy (Review/Recap)

Rumours of her demise have been greatly exaggerated, unfortunately.

It’s episodes like this last one that really bring out both the vengeful, raging sociopath and blubbering neurotic in me.

SPOILER ALERT. OBVIOUSLY. 

King’s Landing 

“You will never see a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.”

The Queen’s amiable, if somewhat bumbling, father, Mace Tyrell, tells the other members of the Legion of Doom Small Council that the almighty Bank of Braavos is calling in ten percent of the debt owed to them by the Seven Kingdoms. Cersei sends Tyrell, the Master of Coin to Braavos in order to negotiate a new deal with the Braavosi, along with Kingsguard Ser Meryn Trant, who I admit to not remembering from previous seasons, but who, for the sake of convenience, I will just go ahead and assume to be a morally reprehensible dumpster fire of a human being. Don’t tell me that’s not a safe assumption. you’re watching the same show that I am.

After the meeting, Cersei meets with the High Sparrow, who I had mistakenly assumed to be a semi-cool guy before this episode. I should really learn to follow my own goddamn rules.

Cersei authorizes the use of a violent religious fundamentalist militia known as the Faith Militant, which immediately gets to work attacking anybody who they deem to be sinners, or disrespecting the gods. And people ask me why I’m not religious.

One of the many “sinners” incarcerated by The Faith Militant just so happens to be Loras Tyrell, Cersei’s fiancee and the Queen’s brother, and also noted gay dude. Surprisingly enough, the super-religious Faith Militant doesn’t take very kindly to gay people. Who’da thunk it?

Queen Margaery doesn’t like this and tries to get Tommen to do something about it, but he doesn’t allow the Kingsguard to attack the Faith Militant and the countless poor people that the Sparrows are sheltering, and ends up leaving empty-handed. To be fair, I probably would’ve done the same thing. At least he proved himself better than…. That Other Guy when he didn’t respond to the rabble yelling abuse at him.

Just thinking about the Other Guy makes me want to sterilize all blonde people. You know, just to make sure.

Frustrated with Tommen’s inability to do as she says, Margaery decides to call upon her grandmother to help. I’m repeating myself here, but…. There’s no possible way this ends well, is there?

The Wall

Jon Snow fights off the Red Woman’s attempt to seduce him in the name of the Lord of Light, or some shit. This would be a more impressive feat if I wasn’t mentally equating her with that old woman from The Shining, at this point.

Also, A+ parenting from Stannis. No sarcasm intended, that was actually pretty cool of him.

Winterfell

Scheming n’ shit. Also, we get some interesting backstory on the war that took place prior to the events of Season 1. And Littlefinger frenching Sansa. Yeecchh.

The sad thing? Out of all of Sansa’s suitors (Betrothed or otherwise), this guy is the least off-putting.

Dorne

Jaime and Bronn arrive in Dorne, and waste no time in awesomely murdering a bunch of Dornish soldiers. It’s not so much that I want to see Dornish people dead as it is that I want to see Myrcella saved from, uh, this lady who wants to see her mutilated in order to start a war with the Lannisters. Why are the pretty women on this show all either dead, bereft with grief, insane or some combination of the three?

Admittedly, if I had experienced what she had experienced…

For help in her anti-Lannister crusade, she enlists the help of Oberyn’s daughters, the Sand Snakes (Only one of whom is her daughter, because Dorne is a country of swingers), all of whom look like badasses. Oh, and they know Jaime and Bronn are in Dorne to rescue Myrcella. Fucking brilliant.

Across the Narrow Sea

Ha-ha, Jorah Mormont is a dumbass and Tyrion is smarter than him.

Meereen

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU SONS OF HARPIES SHITHEEL MOTHERFUCKERS!!! I DIDN’T KNOW HOW MUCH I LIKED THOSE TWO UNTIL YOU POSSIBLY KILLED THEM!!!

Overall: This is the episode where everything starts really going downhill, isn’t it?

Rating: 8/10

Again, why must they be crazy?