Frustrating as she may be, at least Emo Sansa is still more badass than Emo Spider-Man.
It’s Tuesday, and we all now what that means…
That’s right! I’m two days late with the Game of Thrones post again! In the interest of getting right into it, let’s, uh, get right to it!
SPOILER ALERT….OBVIOUSLY
King’s Landing
Cersei and Jaime, still reeling from Tywin’s death, receive a dire warning from Dorne, the southernmost region of Westeros, which has lost its prince, Oberyn Martell, to the trial by combat that plunged many GoT fans into unfathomable depression.
“JESUS H. FUCK, NO!!!!!!!”– Me, about a year ago.
Oberyn’s wife and daughters, the Sand Snakes, have a small viper statue with a necklace in its fangs. Cersei tells Jaime that the necklace belongs to their daughter (Gross), Myrcella, who was sent to Dorne by Tyrion in order to marry some prince, or whatever. Feeling a twinge of… something for Cersei, Jaime offers to go to Dorne in order to take her away from the beautiful climate, progressive attitudes towards women and general pleasantness of that country in order to bring her back to the squalor, corruption and flat-out misogyny of King’s Landing. I don’t know about you, but that seems like a good idea to me!!!
Where this scene gets real good, though is when we discover who Jaime’s travelling partner is….BRONN!!! I FUCKING LOVE BRONN!!!! OHMIGOD, JAMIE AND BRONN ARE GONNA BE TRAVEL BUDDIES!?!?!?! THIS IS THE BEST NEWS EVER!!!!
….
One of them’s gonna die horribly, aren’t they?
Anyways, what’s PsychoBitch doing while Jaime and Bronn are having their playdate? Well, she’s attending to a couple of hunters who are trying to trick her into thinking that the head of some random dwarf they murdered is the head of Tyrion Lannister. God, Westeros is just the fucking worst.
Uncharacteristically, Cersei shows mercy towards the hunters (I’m sure the dead dwarf would appreciate that), and gives the head of the dwarf to Maester (Sort of) Qyburn, who I’m pretty sure is Westeros’ equivalent of Josef Mengele. During a Small Council meeting, she appoints Mace Tyrell Master of Coin and Qyburn Master of Whisperers (Much to Grand Fuckface Pycelle’s dismay). She tries to appoint her uncle Kevan to the position of Master of War, but he not-so-respectfully declines, calling the rest of the Council members sycophants and demanding that King Tommen appoint him himself. Fuckin’ A, Kevan!
The Wall
Gilly is being tutored by Stannis Baratheon’s daughter, which is cool, whatever. Also, Stannis chastises Jon for mercy-killing Mance Rayder, andtries to recruit Jon to his cause, even offering to name him Jon Stark, which, all due respect to Cathryn Stark, should’ve probably been done ages ago. Being the badass that he is, though Jon tells Sam right before the election that he’s gonna decline Stannis’ author, because fuck Stannis, fuck the Red Woman, and fuck Stannis’ creepy wife, that’s why.
Also, Jon gets elected Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch, which is probably going to end poorly, but hey, for the moment, Fuckin’ A Jon!!!
The Vale
The Dynamic Duo (Podrick Payne and Brienne of Tarth) trudge on, eventually ending up in some shithole pub where, surprise, surprise, Sansa and Littlefinger are also hanging out! Remembering her mission, Brienne awesomely confronts Littlefinger, who, being Littlefinger, acts like a giant prick.
My day isn’t complete without imagining Ned Stark wringing his goddamn neck.
Sansa, being Sansa, acts like a brat and rebuffs her, leading to Brienne murdering several of Littlefinger’s men and escaping with Podrick into the woods. Like the badass she is, she resolves to get Sansa out of the clutches of Littlefinger, whether Sansa wants it or no. Fuckin’ A, Brienne!!!
Braavos
The biggest Fuckin’ A of all goes out to Arya, because she is Arya fucking Stark, and she doesn’t have time for some pissant thief’s bullshit.
Dorne
Ellaria Sand kinda seems like a hateful bitch. I totally get being pissed, but killing Myrcella, of all people? Jesus.
Across the Narrow Sea
Tyrion doesn’t get much screen time this time around, but hey, I can’t complain.
Meereen
Noted Dickhead Daario Naharis finds one of the members of the Sons of the Harpy, the anti-Mhysa resistance movement who have been murdering the Unsullied. While emancipated slave Mossador suggests he be killed outright, Ser Barristan reminds Danearys of the behaviour of her shitheel of a father, and she wisely decides to let the Son of the Harpy have a fair trial. However, this being the Game of Thrones world, Mossador fucks it up for her, murdering the S.o.H. in his cell. When Daenarys executes Mossador publicly, the unwashed masses turn on her in a really terrifying fashion, and she was to flee back into her castle.
Boy, it’s hard to do the right thing in this show.
Finally, Dani sees Drogon (The giant black dragon) and tries to reconnect, but he flies away like the ungrateful little brat that he is. He’s Dragon Sansa, is what I’m trying to say.
Overall: Fuckin’ A.
Rating: 8.5/10
Please Kill the Messenger 