Selma (Movie Review)

Oh hey, Tim Roth plays a sleazeball, who would’ve thunk it?

Honestly you guys, any lead-in blurb that I’m thinking up is kind of pushing the boundaries of good taste, and I already did an anti-cop joke in my Kingsman review, so yeah. This is Selma.

Selma

Directed by: Ava DuVernay

Produced by: Christian Colson, Oprah Winfrey, Dede Gardner, Jeremy Kleiner

Written by: Paul Webb, Ava DuVernay

Genre: Historical drama

Starring: David Oyelowo, Tom Wilkinson, Carmen Ejogo, Andre Holland, Tessa Thompson, Giovanni Ribisi, Lorraine Touissant, Stephan James, Wendell Pierce, Common, Alessandro Nivola, Keith Stanfield, Cuba Gooding, Jr., Oprah Winfrey

Music by: Jason Moran

Plot: In 1964, the fight for Civil Rights in America is intensifying, and Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. (David Oyelowo) is right in the thick of it all.  The latest issue to rear its ugly head is the blatant neglect of the right of to vote that is guaranteed to black citizens in more backwards parts of the nation. When putting pressure on President Lyndon B. Johnson (Tom Wilkinson) doesn’t amount to much (As LBJ has a lot of stuff on his plate, such as the Vietnam War and combating poverty), Dr. King decides to take matters into his own hands, organising a massive, peaceful protest march from Selma, Alabama to the State Capitol in Montgomery, much to the dismay of the segregationist dickhead that is Alabama governor George Wallace (Tim Roth).

Out of all of the movies in this year’s Oscar class, Selma Is definitely the most topical of the bunch. You could argue that American Sniper‘s (More or less) anti-war message is also relevant, but it’s also not a great movie, and I’ll talk more about it later. What with the Trayvon Martin debacle and Ferguson being fresh in our minds, it’s hard not to feel the gravity of the situation, especially when the fantastic “Glory” song plays through the credits. We’re not here to talk about the relevance of the movie, though, we’re here to talk about quality. And, as is the case with all news vaguely related to minorities, I’m legally obligated as a reviewer to say that it was great.

Because cowardly PC critics never, ever, ever negatively review movies from black people. Never.

In all seriousness, Selma is a great movie. Is it the best movie of 2014? No, and it’s not even really that close. Is it the most important movie of 2014? Quite possibly, although in terms of measuring the depths of stupidity that the human race has fallen to, I would argue that Left Behind is a better indication of where we are as a species.

While Selma generally does everything well, with terrific cinematography, well directed scenes and a solidly written and fleshed-out script, the biggest thing the film has going for it is the supremely talented cast. While the fact that this movie was produced by and stars Oprah Winfrey in a supporting role kind of makes me roll my eyes and give out an exasperated sigh, but seeing her in the movie (Portraying activist Annie Lee Cooper) kind of makes  you remember that she’s an Academy Award-nominated actress, god complex and all. Another solid performer popping up is Cuba Gooding, Jr., believe it or not, and he’s quite solid himself, bringing up the question of why in the world he doesn’t get more work.

Oh. Right.

Carmen Ejogo is a name that I had to look up, but she gives a spirited performance as Coretta Scott King (A role she actually played before in a 2001 TV movie, believe it or not). Tom Wilkinson is great as LBJ, Common is solid as (Nowadays disgraced, for good reason) James Bevel and so is Orange is the New Black‘s Lorraine Touissant as Amelia Boynton Robinson. Heading over to the “dickhed” end of the spectrum, Tim Roth is deliciously evil as Governor George Wallace. I guess you could argue that he doesn’t bring a whole lot to the table in terms of character depth, but he’s a segregationist. I think the portrayal of Wallace as a pigheaded shitstain is pretty apt, don’t you think?

(It should be noted that Wallace later recanted his views and apologized to the black community and made a record number of black appointments to state positions. Take that for what it’s worth, I guess)

However, the heart and soul of Selma resides with English actor David Oyelowo (The asshole from Rise of the Planet of the Apes), who is completely spellbinding as one of the greatest men of the 20th century. There was a lot of outrage when he and Jake Gyllenhaal were snubbed for Best Actor nominations, and I was just as righteously pissed as anybody. I found that the best part of his performance was the humanity that he helped instill into the character. It would’ve been easy to portray him as a stoic badass, but Oyelowo knows that this is a human being he’s portraying, and no human being is 100% infallible.

In fact, this whole movie does a pretty spectacular job of humanizing Dr. King. Though history frequently portrays him as this immaculate bastion of a man, he had his flaws. He didn’t always have total faith in his cause, or in his ability to go about things the right way. Hell, he had a weakness for women! The FBI tried to blackmail him! He was an objectively flawed man, but he was still a hero, and his portrayal in Selma reflects that perfectly.

Now, in the way of flaws, there are some historical inaccuracies. Now, I don’t usually nitpick these kinds of things, as they’re usually done for some reasonable artistic reason. However, I feel like I should point out that as much as I dislike President Johnson, he wasn’t actually the one who started surveilling Dr. King. It was Bobby Kennedy who authorized it and J. Edgar Hoover who executed it. Granted, LBJ went along with it, but isn’t that kind of strange creative decision to show Johnson ordering Hoover to start spying on Dr. King? Am I alone in thinking that? Eh. At least they got Hoover’s personality down. Specifically, raging dickhole.

Oh, hey, Dr. Connors!!!

I realize that historical dramas tend to be on the talkier side. History wasn’t all sex scenes and explosions, unfortunately. However, there were several scenes in the movie that did go a bit too long for my taste. It wasn’t the worst, per se, but it did get to the point where I felt that the emotions conveyed could’ve been communicated in much less words. Ah well. Better to be too talky than an underdeveloped mess.

You’d think I hated this movie by now, but I don’t, I swear.

Overall: Honouring Dr. King without being overly reverent, Selma is an important film that commands respect.

Rating: 8.5/10

Ugh. One more of these fucking movies to go. Talk about burnout.

Kingsman: The Secret Service (Movie Review)

You know, part of me knew that the biggest threat to the world would make a habit of wearing a stylised Yankees cap.

How bizarre is it that on Valentine’s Day weekend, when moviegoing couples are looking for a movie that they can snuggle to/furiously make out to, that the supposed “romantic” movie is glorified Twilight fanfiction that is getting absolutely demolished by the critics, and the superior film is, in fact,  a movie from the director of Kick-Ass that includes forced amputations, profuse swearing, and spontaneous cranial combustion. Funny how that works.

Kingsman: The Secret Service

Directed by: Matthew Vaughn

Produced by: Adam Bohling, David Reed, Matthew Vaughn

Written by: Jane Goldman and Matthew Vaughn

Genres: Spy, Action, Comedy

Based on: The Secret Service by Mark Millar and Dave Gibbons

Starring: Taron Egerton, Colin Firth, Samuel L. Jackson, Mark Strong, Michael Caine, Sophie Cookson, Sofia Boutella, Mark Hamill

Music by: Henry Jackman and Matthew Margeson

Plot: Look up a picture definition of  the word “directionless” in the dictionary, and it’s very likely that you’ll find a photo of Gary “Eggsy” Unwin (No word yet on why the bloody hell he’s nicknamed “Eggsy”).  Eggsy, who was raised by his sad sack of a mother after his father was cut down in his prime. Now living in a shitty part of London with his mom, baby sister and thuggish jerkwad of a stepfather, he has flunked out of the Marines, and has done absolutely nothing in the ways of capitalizing on his talent as a gymnast and high intelligence. One day, after his penchant for juvenile delinquency gets him into serious trouble, Eggs meets a mysterious man in an impeccable suit named Harry Hart (Colin Firth) who takes the troubled land under his wing and trains him to be a Kingsman. That is, a member of a British spy organisation who engages ultra-dangerous threats to world security, while also dressed in the most badass way possible: tip to toe in the finest suits known to mankind.

“Well, now that my wardrobe’s settled, time to go murder some terrorists!!!”

 While he doesn’t get as much acclaim or publicity as some of his contemporaries, I believe that Matthew Vaughn is one of the finer writer/directors working today. After his directorial debut in 2004’s Layer Cake, he has gone on to make more solid contributions to movies, including directing of my favourite movies of all time, Kick-Ass, the CPR to a dying franchise (X-Men: First Class) and contributing the storyline to one of my favourite movies of last year, X-Men: Days of Future Past. His appealing blend of snappy dialogue, a often uneven mix of action and comedy, and stylistic, brutal ultraviolence (Toned down for X-Men, obviously) has appealed to many, many people, including yours truly. That’s why I was so hyped for this movie after the early reviews came in.

What was my reaction to the first few minutes of the movie? I don’t know if  I’ve ever been so underwhelmed.

The movie opens with a scene that is so poorly CGI’d that it took me right out of the movie. All of the action takes place off-screen and, all in all, it just feels like a giant cop-out. After that initial scene, the movie does improve, but the whole first act is plagued by pacing problems that were pretty annoying for me. The first act of the movie It wasn’t that bad, but it was certainly pretty off-putting.

Which is too bad, because if it wasn’t for the overly slow first act, this would possibly surpass Kick-Ass as my favourite Matthew Vaughn movie.

Your title is safe, Nicolas Cage/Adam West hybrid.

As unspectacular as the first act is, the middle and end are downright fantastic. At no point did I feel that the movie dragged, and I was genuinely interested and focused on what the characters were doing. Sure, one would have preferred that I feel this way throughout the whole movie, but things being the way they are, I’d say that the ball-busting action and quick pace of the rest of the movie more than makes up for the shortcomings of the first act.

Vaughn has always been a terrific action director, and Kingsman is definitely no exception. While he does use some shaky-cam, a technique that I despise more than anybody, he uses it very well, when it makes sense in the movie, and not purely for some bullshit stylistic purpose. Every action scene in this movie is so well done by the actors and director. It’s not so often that I catch myself replaying action scenes in my head because of their sheer badassery, but this film had me trying to re-enact the damn things at home. I was pretending to be Colin Firth, of all people. Who the hell would’ve thought that???

Probably the same people who thought the coolest character in Kick-Ass would be a ten-year old.

Speaking of Kick-Ass, Henry Jackman does the score for this movie along with Matthew Margeson, and they do just a terrific job. I think the score for Kick-Ass is one of the more unfairly ignored ones, and this movie’s music is even better. Not bad for a guy who made his debut as a film score composer in a straight-to-DVD Kung Fu Panda short film.

The dialogue in this movie, among other things, makes playful fun of the old British spy movies of the 60’s and 70’s, and isn’t afraid to reference them and other movies, frequently making reference to movies as far ranging from 007 to My Fair Lady. Being the Tarantino lover that I am, I can appreciate pop culture references, as long as they seem natural and well-placed. Not hard to do, but it’s done very well here.

Kingsman features a cast of veterans (Firth, Jackson, Strong,Caine, Hamill) that all do very well, although the standout is Firth who, as I mentioned before, is not necessarily one actor that we’d imagine to secretly be a badass action star, but hey, I guess that just goes to show how stupid we all are.

Setting aside, of course, the famous scene in Bridget Jones’s Diary where he brutally decapitates Hugh Grant.

Samuel L. Jackson is gleefully over-the-top as a megalomaniacal Bill Gates/Spike Lee/Jules Winnfield/Whatever his character in Unbroken was, and is honestly really damn entertaining, which, at this point, is par for the course for him. The comparisons to Kick-Ass just keep coming as Mark Strong has a supporting role in this movie, although he’s actually a hero in Kingsman. Shocking, I know, but he’s actually really funny in this role. Michael Caine is always great, and there’s no point to me talking about that, while Mark Hamill has a smaller supporting role. I was kinda anxiously worried for his performance, knowing that his return as Luke Skywalker is fast approaching, but he does a great job as well, although he reminded me more of the Joker than a Jedi. Eh, I’ll take it.

Another great performance comes from Taron Egerton, in his first ever role, as Eggsy. I hope we get to see a lot more of this guy in the future. He just has this aura of charisma about him that seems like it could work to his benefit. Sofia Boutella is another newcomer playing the part of Samuel Jackson’s right-hand woman, and really seems to be channeling Jaws or Oddjob because, well, fucking look at her!!!

Lt. Dan can go fuck himself.

Newcomer Sophie Cookson is also in this movie, and, while her character isn’t as interesting as, say, the girl with cutlery for feet, she’s a perfectly good character. On that somewhat lukewarm note, what didn’t I like about this movie?

Well, as I mentioned before, the first act of the movie is not all that impressive. Also, some of the action, spectacular as it is, hinges on the unrealistic side, but then again, I’d be a damn hypocrite to rag on that after cheering on Hit-Girl massacre a room full of armed adults who can’t aim for shit despite being experienced mobsters. It’s still distracting as hell though. Also, this is more of a pet peeve of mine, but they do that thing where the protagonist cloaks his torso in some form of bulletproof shield while the idiot bad guys don’t think to shoot at his legs. That’s stupid. What are they, cops?

If you need me, I’ll be cowering somewhere.

Also, I find it weird that for all the violence in this movie, there’s little to no blood. There’s actually a scene where somebody gets sliced in half right down the middle, and just about no blood was actually spilled. It’s not a major complaint, but I would’ve liked some more over-the-top, fake looking CGI blood. At least it makes sense in this movie.

Others? Not so much.

Overall: If it wasn’t for a super disappointing first act, this would stand as one of the better spy movies, and a solid contender for one of the better movies of 2015. As it stands though, being a merely great movie ain’t bad. Bring on a sequel, please!

Rating: 8/10

Now, if only Matthew Vaughn could stick around for sequels more often…

Quote of the Day: February 12, 2015

I realize I’ve been neglectful, but the second semester of my last year of high school really kicked in and I haven’t had much time to devote myself to PKTM. I don’t like it, but c’est la vie.

“I’m not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.” 

– Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes

You and me both, buddy.

Whiplash (Movie Review)

“I WANT SPIDER-MAN!!!”

So, after this, I’ve decided that any complaint I may have had about any of my teachers ever was mostly likely frivolous bullcrap.

Seriously, this was rough to watch.

 Whiplash

Directed by: Damien Chazelle

Produced by: Jason Blum, Helen Estabrook, Michel Litvak, David Lancaster

Written by: Damien Chazelle

Genre: Drama

Starring: Miles Teller, J.K. Simmons, Paul Reiser, Melissa Benoist, Austin Stowell

Music by: Justin Hurwitz

Plot: Nineteen-year-old Andrew Neiman has a pretty sweet life. A very talented jazz drummer attending the prestigious Shaffer Conservatory music school, Andrew is currently serving as an alternate (See: backup, essentially), being a first year student, and all. This all changes, however, when Andrew is recruited to the Conservatory’s studio band by acclaimed conductor Terence Fletcher (J.K. Simmons). A promotion! Fantastic! All’s good in Neiman-land, right?

Oh boy is it ever not.

While few would hesitate to call Fletcher a dedicated teacher, he is also, in scientific terms, a complete and total asshole. I’ve had teachers swear in class before, but nothing compares to Fletcher’s antics. He screams profanities at his students, berates them viciously for what are really minor mistakes, and even physically abuses them in order to get the best results out of them.

By the way, the way you’re imagining a scene like that playing out in your head? Complete bullshit. I assure you, it’s at least fifty times worse than that. J.K. Simmons as this Fletcher dude is absolutely terrifying. Every single time he appears in a scene, he is accompanied by this super-palpable aura of dread. You can absolutely feel and understand the terror the students feel whenever he appears. And yeah, obviously, this mostly has to do with J.K. Simmon’s masterful performance, but I feel that a lot of it can be credited to Damien Chazelle’s direction, and how he made sure to capture the terrified expressions of the students, and not just the eerily unforgettable presence of a bald Simmons in a tight black shirt, with every vein in his head bulging out to the point that you would worry about him getting a coronary if he wasn’t such a total dick.

By the way, this is unrelated, but this photo sums up the movie nicely.

Also, for the record, this movie has some great music. I know, shocking that a great movie about jazz music would have some great music, but there you have it. Also, kudos to the sound people on this movie for making this music sound so good in the first place.

More credit needs to be heaped upon second-time director Damien Chazelle for his role in this movie, not just as a director, which is a job he clearly excels at (The one action scene in this movie actually got me to exclaim out loud in shock, something I actively try to avoid in non-comedies. Also, that last scene. Holy crap, you guys!!!), but also as a screenwriter. This dude can write characters and dialogue like nobody’s business. The bizarre decision by the Academy to classify Whiplash as an adapted screenplay for reasons I couldn’t care less about could wind up benefiting it, as it no longer has to go up against Birdman (Still my favourite movie of 2014) but instead has to contend with The Theory of Everything and The Imitation Game, which are not bad movies by any stretch of the imagination, don’t get me wrong, but they’re definitely easier competition. I dunno, if I was Chazelle, I would be feeling pretty okay about my chances.

Just because I said that, watch fucking American Sniper win it.

If y’all will allow me though, I’d like to double back to the character of Terence  Fletcher, if only because I will keep sucking up to J.K. Simmons until I completely devolve into a blubbering fool. See, while it’s super easy to get sucked into the pure dicketry of the character, the movie does a good job of portraying him as both a ravenous beast of a man, and as, you know, an actual human being who genuinely believes that he is doing the right thing for these kids by psychologically damaging and abusing them in the hopes that he can push them to their full potential, even if it means crossing several lines that even the biggest hardass of a music teacher wouldn’t dare approach, even. Look, I’m not saying I agree with the guy when he does eventually rationalize his actions, I’m just saying you can’t completely disregard his practices as the demented practices of a raving madman. There is supposedly a method to the madness, and if you can momentarily cast a blind eye to the obvious, plentiful drawbacks that this kind of thinking leads to, you can kinda see a method to the madness.

I mean, if you actually emulate him, you’re still a goddamn sociopath. I think that should be clear enough.

With all the much-deserved praise being heaped upon J.K. Simmons, one tends to forget that he is not, in fact, the lead actor of this movie. That would be Miles Teller, an actor who, I must admit, I wasn’t exactly the biggest fan of before seeing this movie. Project X is a terrible movie, 21 & Over isn’t much better, That Awkward Moment doesn’t look good at all and I still haven’t seen The Spectacular Now. So, when people started praising this movie and, by association, him, I was somewhat skeptical, and who could blame me? He was in Project Fucking X. 

So imagine my surprise when he turned out to be one of the best parts of the movie. Miles Teller absolutely kills it in a performance that, much like his co-star’s performance,  needs to be seen firsthand in order to properly do it justice. I, personally, would have expected a lot more Oscar consideration for him, if not a nomination. I also heard that he did all his own drum parts. No idea if that’s true, but if so, that’s pretty damn amazing.

Big fucking deal. I played a mediocre flute in junior high. Beat that, Teller!

Overall: This movie excels in just about every possible way, and is an absolute blast to watch, easily one of the five best movies of 2014.

Rating: 10/10

“You are a worthless, friendless, faggot-lipped little piece of shit whose mommy left daddy when she figured out he wasn’t Eugene O’Neill and who’s now weeping and slobbering all over my drum set like a fucking nine-year-old girl! Now, for the final FATHER FUCKING time… SAY IT LOUDER!”

 You’re welcome for that mental image.

Left Behind (Movie Review)

…So it’s come to this, has it, Cage?

 Vic Armstrong is a name that, I believe should be a household one by now. He, for the uninitiated, is an award-winning stuntman who has stood in for such legends as Harrison Ford in the Indiana Jones  movie, Christopher Reeve in the first two Superman , George Lazenby in On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, and, uh, Timothy Dalton in his supporting role in Flash Gordon.

What you are likely less than aware of is that Armstrong has also directed a couple of movies. One was released way back in 1993, a little-know, probably terrible Dolph Lundgren movie named Joshua Tree. His second movie was released in 2014, and was a reboot of a series of movies based on a bunch of faith-based novels known as the Left Behind series. Does the legendary stuntman’s success translate into directorial gold?

Well, you could watch the movie and find out! Or, preferably, you could snort a metric ton of anthrax. At least the latter  guarantees that you never have to think about this movie ever again.

Left Behind

Directed by: Vic Armstrong

Produced by: Michael Walker, Paul LaLonde

Written by: Paul LaLonde, John Patus

Genre: Disaster (How appropriate)

Based on: Left Behind by Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins

Starring: Nicolas Cage, Chad Michael Murray, Cassi Thomson, Nicky Whelan, Jordin Sparks

Music by: Jack Lenz

Plot: Nicolas Cage plays a pilot who is being unfaithful to his wife, who he, along with his daughter (Cassi Thomson) has been growing apart from after her conversion to Christianity. One day, while Cage is piloting the plane with a motley crew of passengers, as his daughter hangs out with her mom, a sudden event occurs in which people all over the world, including Nicolas Cage’s wife, vanish into thin air. As Cage attempts to safely land a plane full of super confused people , his daughter runs around the city screaming for her mom and brother. Enthralling entertainment, isn’t it?

Now, I’m going to be upfront: I am not a religious person. I don’t think I ever bought into religion, even as a kid (I was more into worshiping Spider-Man and Pokemon), and no form of religion has done even a passable job of swaying me to their side. However, i also believe that personal beliefs should be set aside when objectively reviewing movies, so, after setting aside my atheism, I watched this movie, and what did I think?

This movie is the cinematic equivalent of a dumpster fire.

I like to start these reviews with something positive, however miniscule it may be (Unintentional hilarity doesn’t really count). To date, the only movie that I haven’t been able to find anything positive in was Movie 43. It may have company. The only thing that I can think of in this movie that isn’t totally awful is the fact that at one point, after what seems like years, it ends. Hell, even Movie 43 looks like it has the production value of a bona fide movie, even if it was put to the worst use possible. This movie is not only terrible, it looks terrible. Somehow, a movie with a budget of sixteen million dollars ended up looking worse than a goddamn Hallmark movie. The direction is terribly bland, and the cinematography is incredibly dull and unpleasant to look at. The soundtrack is one of the laziest I’ve ever heard (Imagine a stripped-down instrumental adult pop rock song. Now quarter its already nonexistent quality) and the special effects are just plain bad.

So, aesthetically, Left Behind is nothing to be proud of. How about the writing. Surely, the writers were invested in at least injecting some semblance of a solid plot into their Evangelical propaganda (Which this movie very openly is, by the way. The original book was written by Reverend Tim LaHaye, for fuck’s sake.)?

Surprise!!! The writing in this movie makes George Lucas’s love scenes look like something Quentin Tarantino might’ve written. The dialogue is unlistenably awkward and clumsy, and the characters are all unimaginative stereotypes. Nicolas Cage is the good-hearted heathen. His daughter is the atheist who is angry at the world and just needed a push in the right direction. Chad Michael Murray is the jaded, worldly journalist who has seen too much (Fun fact: That character was played by Kirk Cameron in the original Left Behind movie. Go figure). And if you think that the main characters are the worst part of the movie… Well, they are, but the supporting characters (AKA The heretics on board the airplane) are awful too. Off the top of my head, I can name “Little Person With a Napoleon Complex”, “Greedy, Capitalistic Texan” and “Drug-Addled Basket Case”. The Transformers franchise has better characters than this movie, and those movies have a presumably drug addled John Turturro, annoying stoner parents, a pedophilie that we’re supposed to root for and racist robots.

Suddenly, Dumbo‘s crow characters look absolutely PC.

Terribly conceived characters are one thing, but if the actors at least deliver, it could at least make up for the shortcomings in the writing. Unfortunately, nobody delivers. The supporting actors bring absolutely nothing to the table. Chad Michael Murray (Of One Tree Hill and A Madea Christmas “fame”) is boring and brings nothing to the character. Cassi Thomson is fucking annoying. Her brother literally vanishes into midair and she spends literally half the movie looking for him, screaming “RAYMIE!!!!!!!” the entire fucking time. The only hope this movie had was Nicolas Cage, and all the batshit insanity that comes with him. And what does he do? Scream about nonsense? Light himself on fire? Do an awesome Adam West impression?

Whatever the fuck is going on here?

No. Nothing. He is SO. FUCKING. BORING, you guys. He clearly has absolutely no desire to be in this movie (Imagine that, a bad movie Nic Cage doesn’t want to be him), more or less sleepwalking through the whole movie.

Also, the movie is not only terrible, it’s fucking insulting. Specifically, the minute, the fucking MINUTE that all the super-devout Christians were raptured, society absolutely collapses. Because god forbid that society is left with a bunch of liberal Christians, atheists, and people of different faiths. It’s not like people of mostly non-devout backgrounds have ever made an advanced civilization for themselves. It’s not like Japan exists, or something.

Japan, post-rapture.

 If this movie was really trying to say that society would immediately devolve into chaos if devout Christians were taken out of the picture, and not even try to make something entertaining out of it, well then, fuck this movie. Fuck it. Nobody involved in this movie is worthy of your respect. Nicolas Cage has tarnished any good thing (Or so bad it’s good thing) that he’s ever done. I can never watch the Indiana Jones trilogy again without thinking “Oh, that stuntman directed Left Behind.”

You’ve done it Left Behind. You are actually the worst movie I’ve ever seen. Worse than The Room. Worse than The Last Airbender. Worse than Movie 43, even. Hell, it’s so bad, it has broken my beloved review scale.

No! Please! Anything but my generic, unspectacular review scale!!!

Dear god people, do not support this movie. Just don’t.

Overall: I hope every copy of this movie, online or otherwise, spontaneously combusts.

Rating: -3/10

If you need me, I’ll be watching Kick-Ass while sobbing uncontrollably.

Quote of the Day: February 5, 2015

I’m almost done that Left Behind review. I swear.

“The boys… Went off grieving that there were no more outlaws any more, and wondering what modern civilization could claim to have done to compensate for their loss. They said they would rather be outlaws in Sherwood Forest then President of the United States for ever. 

-Mark Twain, The Adventures of Tom Sawyer

The mustache along has felled several mere mortals.