Many tiny, tiny men were forced to give up their lives after being randomly selected for being made to stand in an uncomfortable upright position and having liquid gold poured on them. Their sacrifice will not go forgotten.
Ah, the Oscars! The award show where the old, rich, out-of-touch white men of Hollywood engage in the biggest circle jerk of the year and hand out golden, vaguely phallic trophies in order to congratulate each other for making pretentious, artsy films that the average moviegoer didn’t even think about before the eve of the ceremony!
God, do I love the Oscars. It’s right up there with my birthday, Christmas, Blue Jays Opening Day, Game 7 of the World Series and Edmonton Comic Expo Weekend in my rankings of my favourite days of the year. For somebody who loves movies as much as I do, it’s so great to see these movies that I’ve grown so attached to in the last few months that I’ve been scrambling to watch them. It’s nice to see them all gathered together where all of them can be celebrated for the joy they’ve brought to people.
And by “all of them”, I, of course mean “Boyhood“.
So, without further ado, let’s get my official predictions out of the way!!!
(Keep in mind that I haven’t seen 100% of the movies. Merely a lot of them. Don’t blame me, blame school.”
That, and the fact that I’m not allowed out of my house anymore after the unfortunate incident at a nearby Dairy Queen.
Visual Effects
“Hey, hey, we’re the Monkees! And people say we monkey around…”
Winner: Dawn of the Planet of the Apes
If I were in charge: Interstellar
Interstellar didn’t impress me as much as it did others in terms of story or plot coherence, but I can’t deny the visual majesty that Nolan’s space epic had. That said, when Dawn wins, I will not complain at all, because Apes On Horses.
Film Editing
TWELVE YEARS!!!! THIS TOOK TWELVE YEARS!!!! ITSOAMAAAAAAAAZZIIIINGGG!!!!!!!”
Will win: Boyhood
If I was in charge: Boyhood
Yeah, as burnt out as I am on hearing people call Boyhood the Citizen Kane of our era or some bullshit, I can’t deny the wonderful editing job done in the film.
Costume Design
Dear lord.
Will win: The Grand Budapest Hotel
If I was in charge: The Grand Budapest Hotel
Makeup and Hairstyling
And this is what happens when you party with Benecio del Toro.
Will win: Guardians of the Galaxy
If I was in charge: Guardians of the Galaxy
Cinematography
Gravity‘s got nothing on this.
Will win: Birdman
If I was in charge: Birdman
Emmanuel Lubezki. That is all.
Production Design
The symmetry alone, Jesus Christ.
Will win: The Grand Budapest Hotel
If I was in charge: The Grand Budapest Hotel
Best Sound Mixing
“Theeeeenn, he swore profusely at me, Pa rum pa pum pum….“
Will win: Whiplash
If I was in charge: Whiplash
Man, I’m not exactly being much of a contrarian, am I?
Sound Editing
Oh, there we go.
Will win: American Sniper
If I was in charge: Birdman
Original Song
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Will win: “Glory” (Selma)
If I was in charge: “Glory”
Original Score
Just for the record, I would have given the prize to either John Powell or Joe Hisaishi for How to Train Your Dragon 2 and The Tale of the Princess Kaguya, respectively.
Will win: Jóhann Jóhannsson, The Theory of Everything
If I was in charge: Alexandre Desplat, The Imitation Game
Animated Short Film, Live Action Short Film, Documentary- Short Subject, Documentary- Feature
I didn’t watch any of these. Why? I’m really, really lazy, in case you guys haven’t noticed.
Foreign Language Film
Are her eyes following anybody else? Just me? Okay then…
Will win: Ida
If I was in charge: Leviathan
Animated Feature Film
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
Will win: How to Train Your Dragon 2
If I was in charge: How to Train Your Dragon 2
While I still think that Dragon is the best animated movie of the year (Yes, even better than The LEGO Movie), I highly suggest any fan of animation to check out The Tale of the Princess Kaguya. You’ll thank me later, trust me.
Adapted Screenplay
Will win: The Imitation Game
If I was in charge: The Imitation Game
Original Screenplay
Will win: The Grand Budapest Hotel
Should win: Birdman
Supporting Actress
Yeesh, now that kids’ eyes are following me.
Will win: Patricia Arquette, Boyhood
If I was in charge: Patricia Arquette
Again, I’m not a huge Boyhood fan. That said, I think I would’ve liked it more if it focused more on Patricia Arquette and Ethan Hawke.
Supporting Actor
Will win: J.K. Simmons, Whiplash
If I was in charge: J.K. Simmons, Whiplash
Actress
“What the fuck am I watching?!?!” -Julianne Moore, seen here puzzling over Inherent Vice.
Will win: Julianne Moore, Still Alice
If I was in charge: Rosamund Pike, Gone Girl
Admittedly, I haven’t seen Still Alice yet, but with all do respect to Julianne Moore, I don’t see how her performance could be better than Rosamund Pike in the movie that is the biggest Best Picture snub of the year.
Actor
Yeah, no way I’m joking about this photo. I’m not a total asshole.
Will win: Eddie Redmayne, The Theory of Everything
If I was in charge: Eddie Redmayne, The Theory of Everything
The sentimental part of my brain wants Michael Keaton to win, as Redmayne’s still young, and we don’t know if Keaton will ever be nominated again, but I know in my heart of hearts that Redmayne was probably better.
Director
Meh.
Will win: Richard Linklater, Boyhood
If I was in charge: Alejandro G. Inarritu, Birdman
I LIKED BOYHOOD, ALRIGHT!?!? I JUST THINK IT’S KIND OF OVERRATED!!! AM I REALLY SO WRONG IN THINKING THAT?!?!
Picture
You know you want it.
Will win: Birdman
If I was in charge: Birdman
My gut actually says that Boyhood is gonna take it, but winning all the Guild Awards is pretty promising, so maybe Birdman has a realistic shot at winning the big prize?
American Sniper is going to sweep the awards now, just because I said that.
Please Kill the Messenger 