And Now: Picking on White Supremacists! (With your host: Kenny Rollins!)

Here at PKtM Inc., we pride ourselves of employing a racially diverse workforce. (Specifically: one half-White Canadian, half-Salvadoran teenager and two black cats who can’t stop walking across the goddamn keyboard.)

Actually, the cats have fewer typos than me.

Click meAnd that’s why it pains me so much when I wander onto a website with an open comment board and see a bunch of hateful, bigoted bullshit that has no place in modern society. Apparently, us PC liberals have made the mistake  of accepting multiculturalism, or, as they’re fond of calling it, “white genocide”.

Yes, our blind acceptance of people from all around the world has diluted our pure Anglo-Saxon heritage and will eventually lead to the extinction of the white race. And God forbid you show some form of attraction for somebody of a different race. Then, you are not only walking, talking filth, but also aiding and abetting the destruction of the glorious white culture.

Glorious, isn’t it?

I shouldn’t have to tell anybody how full of shit these people are. However, one of my favourite posts that white supremacists use online is some variation of the following:

“I’m not racist, but… (Insert racist blatherings here)

Stop White Genocide!

AFRICA FOR THE AFRICANS

ASIA FOR THE ASIANS

EUROPE FOR THE EUROPEANS

AMERICA FOR THE AMERICANS

ANTI-RACIST IS CODE FOR ANTI-WHITE!”

I’m sure you’ve all seen some variant of this guy.

Now, do I have to emphasize how stupid that last line is? Anti-racist does NOT mean anti-white. Martin Luther King Jr. didn’t . hate white people. And since the majority of white people (You know, the sane ones) are anti-racist, that makes your race the most self-loathing race around, which really isn’t something to be proud of.

Also, it has been pointed out by others, and will now be pointed out by me, by your own rules, you’re not a fucking American. That would be the First Nations people (Or Indians, erroneously) who got here waaaaay before you (We, I guess. My  great-grandparents were Danish) murdered them because apparently, sharing land is un-Christian.

To be fair, there was one guy who kept telling everyone that it’s better to love than to hate or kill, but he was just some freaky hippie, so who cares?

And also, for those of you that think that black people are nothing but violent, thuggy welfare leeches? Well, first of all, they’re not, and second of all, remember this: Their ancestors didn’t wanna be here either. Who brought them here? Racist white people.

Seen here: The descendants of the biggest catalysts of multiculturalism in America.

So that means that you neo-Nazi nutbags who want everyone to go back to where they came from, and yet, march for a White America are a bunch of idiotic windbags. What’s wrong? Do they not teach history at Stormfront High?

And since we’re taking all the white people from America, Oceania, Africa and Asia and conveniently re-locating them in Europe (You guys’ rules, not mine) I feel I should point out that you are going too have one horrid time living in your pasty utopia. Why? Because having the whole white populations of the U.S., Canada, Australia, New Zealand, South Africa and Latin America relocate to a tiny continent like Europe is gonna cause one hell of an overpopulation problem. And then, while your United Republic of Never Gonna Happen In Your Whole Shitty Life crumbles from infrastructure problems, maybe the rest of the world can clean up some of the damage done, hm? Hell, I’ll just let the late, great George Carlin take over from here.

I’m not entirely sure how that was relevant, but we all need a little Carlin every day anyways.

And lastly, there’s something I find hilariously ironic about these racist a-holes. Mainly, their stance against illegal immigration to the States from Mexico and Latin America.

Well, since the vast majority of Mexicans (And most latinos, really) are mestizo (Meaning of both indigenous and white descent), and since the Segregated Caucasian Utopia probably won;t allow mestizos to contaminate their holy land, does that mean that they’ll stay in America?

Does this mean that, by their logic, their slogan should be: America…For the Mexicans?

‘Murrica!!!

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Dear Readers,

So, I stopped in to check on my blog hits when this popped up:

Apparently, one of my articles (Specifically, my Scale of Douchiness rant against Bud Selig) was infected with malware by some jackoff website that distributes it. That, or Google Chrome is sounding a false alarm. I have since taken that article down and will re-post it when the warning stops appearing.

Thanks for your patience.

Sincerely,

Kenny S. Rollins

(Also, fuck these malware distributing scumbags.)

Ben Affleck is Batman… And I’m (Somewhat) Okay With That!

I was gonna do a quick bit on why I’m an awful, awful person (Maybe some other time), but something much more important caught my attention.

Specifically: Who the hell cast Ben Affleck as Batman?

Does… not… compute…

So, unfortunately for my dead in the water burgeoning writing career, I will be wrestling with this for an indeterminate amount of time. For now, having seen Daredevilbut having also seen Argo and Good Will HuntingI am choosing to reserve judgement and urge everybody to please remain calm. Remember how everybody was pissed when Heath Ledger was cast as the Joker? Well, that turned out okay, right?

Previous career-defining role: A gay cowboy.

Of course, Brokeback Mountain was actually a good movie, while Gigli was not… But then again, Gigli was released ten whole years ago. I, personally, choose to judge Affleck by his most recent work. Unfortunately, even the great movie that was Argo is lost on the idiot who still calls him “Ben Asslick” ten years after that was relevant in any way.

Am I saying that I would have cast Benny as the Bat? No. I probably would have gone with a relative unknown, or a TV actor like, I dunno, Jon Hamm? Would Jon Hamm have been good as Batman?

Okay, yeah, they should have cast Jon Hamm.

I choose to remain “optimistically cynical” (Shit, does that make sense?) about our new Batman, but come on Internet. Calm the hell down. Give the poor man (Or filthy rich man. Whatever) the benefit of the doubt. And for chrissakes, can we stop using Gigli as the be-all and end-all when talking about Ben Affleck? In fact, you’re on the internet right now, so go watch Argo and then come back and tell me he sucked in it. Go on, I’ll wait!

So how was that? That’s right asshole, you LIKED Ben Affleck in that movie! Now shut the fuck up about Jennifer Lopez already!

Or so help him, Ben Affleck will shove his Oscar so far up your ass, you’ll think you’re watching Pearl Harbor again.

(They probably should have cast Jon Hamm.)

(Or Karl Urban…FUCK! It should have been Karl Urban!)

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My Triumphant Return/Tomorrow’s Douchebag of the Day!!!

I spent the last few days writing intros for my first article back from the beautiful city of Toronto, but I’m no good at that, so I will instead copy the exact words of a great American philosopher:

“Guess who’s back (Back, back) back again (-Gain, gain) Shady’s Kenny’s back (Back, back)  Tell a friend (Friend, friend).” 

Suck on that, Plato.

“Say what, bitch?”

Anyways, I had a great time in Toronto, I’ll have to tell you all about it someday, but today, I have a new Douchebag of the Day to skewer tomorrow, when I get past jet lag.

I considered doing the Egyptian government for their massacre of civilians, but that would just open up a whole shitload of political jargon from me that nobody wants to read. I would also bring up that dumbass Russian athlete that voiced her support for Russia’s retarded anti-gay laws, but a) I can’t remember her name and b) That happened yesterday anyways.

Thankfully, a piece of information from the wide, largely unimportant, world of sports landed neatly in my lap. So tomorrow’s douchebag of the day is:

BUD SELIG

Stay tuned everybody!

Toronto! (Plus: How to recognize a Canadian!)

On the eight, I will be flying out to Toronto for a week in order to, among other things, visit family, see the zoo and watch the Jays. I will try to update my blog while on vacation, but I think it unlikely that I will be able to. If my blog goes un-updated for more than a week though, it means that I have either been murdered for drug money by Toronto’s crackhead mayor, or have watched Josh Johnson pitch and suffered a coronary as a result.

Fret not faithful viewers! Before I venture off into a pleasant getaway/impending doom, I will leave you with a healthy tip on how to recognize a Canadian!

How an American/Brit will pronounce “Toronto”:

To-Ron-to

How an American/Brit trying to sound Canadian will pronounce “Toronto”:

To-Ronno

How a Canadian will pronounce “Toronto”

To-Ronno

“Aha” You may think to yourself, “Those last two sound exactly the same! You’re a fraud, random blogger I found on the internet while searching for pictures of Emma Watson in revealing clothing!”

Well, if you weren’t thinking about it before…

But you see, there is a difference. When a non-Canadian says “Toronto”, nothing happens afterwords.

When a Canadian says it, however, “O Canada” starts blaring triumphantly in the background as water turn into maple syrup while Mounties arrive to serve ice-cold Molson’s as ice-skating beavers play an impromptu hockey game.

“O Canada! (Fuck Yeah!)”

See ya next week (At the latest)!

The Written Confession of a My Chemical Romance Fan, and why People Hated Them

Hello internet. It’s me, Kenny Rollins. You may remember me as the guy who rambles about superheroes, baseball and douchebags. That is, if you’re one of the ten people who MIGHT read each one of my posts. Otherwise, you likely stumbled here by accident and don’t know shit about me.

For the record, I look like this.

Anyways, one thing that you may/should know about me is that I’m a huge music fan. I’ll listen to anything as long as it’s relatively dubstep- and auto-tune– free. However, my preferred genre is punk rock. If ever I get a Wikipedia page (Unlikely) for being the front-man  for a successful band (EXTREMELY unlikely), my listed influences will be a veritable compendium of classic 70’s punk, 80’s hardcore, 90’s pop-punk and skate punk, and present day melodic hardcore.

Also, Eminem, because why the hell not?

However, since my band will likely be known as an unflinching melodic hardcore quartet that remains hard-rocking while retaining pop sensibilities, there would be one band that may come as a surprise to some. This band is My Chemical Romance, and yes, I am a fan.

No, really.

Now, understand that when I write the word “confession”, I mean just that. “Something that is confessed.”

I’m not ashamed of being an MCR fan. Rather, I’m apprehensive of why the majority of people don’t care for them. Before beginning my essay though, I’d just like to defend my love for the (now defunct) band.

Now, let me be the first to admit that some of MCR’s music was total shit. Specifically, their debut albumI Brought You My Bullets, You Gave Me Your Love. For the life of me, I cannot understand why people gave this album positive reviews, but skip ahead a couple albums. Have you listened to The Black Parade? It’s pretty fucking good. Sure, it’s overblown and pretentious, but I’m willing to look past that  if it includes songs like “Welcome to the Black Parade” and “Famous Last Words.” Danger Days: The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys was almost as overblown and not as good, but c’mon. Listen to “Na Na Na.” That song is catchy as fuck. You can’t not like that song, but more on that later..

Also, the video included this, whatever it may be.

Anyways, I’ve narrowed the various reasons people hated MCR down to three. First off, the low quality of some of their music. Secondly, The rabid fangirls associated with pretty much any fanbase.  Finally, The ever-damning “emo” label, which has plagued the band since their inception.

To begin, I’m gonna get one of the more obvious ones out of the way: Some of MCR’s music really sucks. Shocking, right? The band that co-headlined the 2005 Warped Tour with Fall Out Boy put out some bad music.

I find it hard to believe that anyone imagined Patrick Stump with sideburns and thought it was a good idea.

Take their first album, I Brought You My Bullets, You Brought Me Your Love. With the exception of the initial single, “Vampires Will Never Hurt You“, and the initial instrumental guitar piece, there is nothing notable about this album. The rest of the songs range from extremely forgettable (“This is the Best Day Ever” and “Skylines and Turnstiles”) to pretty bloody awful (See: “Drowning Lessons” and “Our Lady Of Sorrows.”). Oh, the critic were fairly positive, calling it “unique” and “convincing“. Convincing, I get. Lead vocalist (And cartoonist) Gerard Way pours his  heart and soul out through mostly intense screaming about vampires, drugs and suicide.

Insert Twilight joke here.

But “unique”? Um, maybe. I couldn’t tell because the music really shortchanged me in the “gripping” department. I’m not one to dismiss music as being a mass of mindless screaming…

Usually.

… But that is really all I got from a good part of the album.

Now, the second album, Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge, was an improvement, but the lyrics somewhat deteriorated into, well, average territory. They plummeted into straight up atrocious territory on the awfully titled Top 100 single, “I’m Not Okay (I Promise)”. Really. I can’t stress how awful that title is.

The final two studio albums (The Black Parade and Danger Days: The True Lives Of the Fabulous Killjoys) and the Conventional Weapons compilation were all large improvements, but they failed to erase the following two problems, one pf them being…

Hint: They drew this.

Fangirls! (And fanboys, I don’t discriminate)

Now, I’m sure everybody reading this  knows of the idiocy of Justin Bieber’s tween fanbase/private, devoted zealot militia, the Beliebers, whose crimes range from being run-of-the-mill dumb preteen girls to insulting people that would rather not get run over by some flash-in-the-pan tween-pop bitch or sending death threats to the girl unfortunate enough to date their idol instead of them. Sure, considering he’s over eighteen, that’s pedophilia, but goddammit, it’s meant to be!

Yep, nothing that would land him on an FBI watchlist here…

But sometimes, we focus so much on the Beliebers of the world (And the Little Monsters…And Juggalos…) that we forget that decent rock groups have insane fan bases as well. The first that come to mind are the Beatlemaniacs , one of which showed their devotion and love for the band by murdering John Lennon. And you’re dreaming if you think MCR was free of near-insane fans. They’re not so much like Mark David Chapman though. More like somewhat annoying religous fanatics who may be obnoxiously loud, but are easily drowned out.

Apparently, they’ve never heard the Ramones.

“MCR saved my life” is a recurring statement on MCR’s comment boards. On one hand, it’s nice that young fans have found a band to call their own . On the other, I humbly call bullshit.

Shh…. Don’t cry…

To those that insist that they would have slit their wrists and passed away if MCR hadn’t come along: Have you heard their fucking lyrics?!!!

“The amount of pills I’m taking counteracts the booze I’m drinking.”

“I think I’d love to die alone.”

“I’ll end my days with you in a hail of bullets.”

Also, the entire Black Parade album, which is literally about death by cancer. How exactly is that a life-saving aid and not the guy, looking up at the guy about to jump of a building, yelling “Do it! Do it! Do it!”

Of course, I am in no way endorsing the Daily Mail’s opinion of My Chemical Romance, which is that they inspire an emo suicide cult.

“Oh sorry, you’re not a cult, you’re an….army? Does that make it better or worse?”

The word “emo” was in the early 21st century what the word “hipster” is today. A broad, catch-all term for a subculture widely despised by the mainstream.

This dude is surprised when he is told that 'Coachella' means 'stupid white guy'

Mostly for good reasons.

The band themselves have rejected the genre, with Gerard Way having this to say about it:

Basically, it’s never been accurate to describe us. Emo bands were being booked while we were touring with Christian metal bands because no one would book us on tours. I think emo is fucking garbage, it’s bullshit. I think there’s bands that unfortunately we get lumped in with that are considered emo and by default that starts to make us emo.”

Quite true Gerard, but, again, when you co-headline with Fall Out Boy in the Warped Tour, you can’t be exactly surprised when they start lumping you in with that crowd.

So, to conclude, the main reasons that the only tears that were shed over MCR’s demise were eyeliner stained “MCRmy” tears were some of the lackluster quality of their early music, some annoying fans and the “emo” label.

However, before any angry MCRmy members (What a stupid fucking name) comment angrily, I want to stress that I love this band, and Black Parade ranks among my favourite albums. And I will defend myself against anyone that says I’m not a “real punk” for liking them. So I call for peace.

So can’t we all just pick something to agree on?

Like how much Falling in Reverse sucks ass?