Before jumping right in, I’d like to apologize for lying about doing a post yesterday. In my defense, a little barely known film called Man of Steel got in the way. You probably haven’t heard of it.
“Not going to movies on opening night and feeling crowded as all hell is soooo mainstream.”
Though, really, when was the last time you’ve heard of a sixteen year old keeping a deadline?
Anyways, let’s dive right in, shall we?
Super Mario 3D World
Developer: Nintendo EAD Tokyo
Publisher: Nintendo
Platform: Wii U
Release Date: December 2013
I didn’t play Super Mario 3D Land, but if I do get a Wii U, this game will be near the top of my must-buy list. I’m betting that this game won’t be nearly as good as Super Mario 64 or Super Mario Galaxies 1 and 2, but it will, in all likelihood, be a really good time.
Interest level: 4/5
Super Smash Bros. Wii U/3DS
Developer: Sora Ltd./Namco Bandai Games
Publisher: Nintendo
Platforms: What does it say in the title, jackass?
Release Date: 2014
Oh my God. Yes.
The Smash Bros. franchise is what got me into video gaming. At the spry (Confession: I’m not entirely sure what spry means.) age of six, wide-eyed little me rushed downstairs on Christmas morning and excitedly tore into my presents. As luck would have it, this was also the Christmas that my parents decided to afflict technology addiction on me. The last present I opened was, to my surprise, a Nintendo GameCube. Wrapped in the bundle with the GameCube was Super Smash Bros. Melee. This was my first video game console and game that I had truly appreciated (My parents had made the mistake of giving my brother and I an NES…When I was three and he was two. Needless to say, the poor NES did not last long.). When I was eleven, I waited impatiently while Super Smash Bros. Brawl got delayed again and again and again. When I finally received my pre-ordered copy, I popped the disc into my Wii and, within five minutes, was ready to declare it the best game ever made.
Of course, that was only because I hadn’t played E.T. yet.
Anyways, I may cover more of Smash Bros. in another article.
Interest Level: 5/5
Yoshi’s New Island
Developer: Arzest
Publisher: Nintendo
Platform: 3DS
Release Date: 2014
Ever since I saw the poor fella being callously betrayed in Super Mario World, Yoshi has been my favourite Mario Bros character. I mean, come on. The poor bastard raises Mario from birth, puts up with his fucked up crying, and is the sole reason the the greasy plumber lived to beat the shit out of Bowser every other day, and Mario repays him by dumping him off a cliff.
Seriously though, how much does Baby Mario suck?
I don’t see why you’d need Yoshi’s Island in 3D though. Seems like overkill. Also, I don’t much feel like depleting my precious Smash Bros budget.
Interest Level: 1.5/5
Sonic Lost World
Developer: Sonic Team, Dimps (3DS)
Publisher: Sega
Platform: Wii U/3DS
Release Date: Holiday 2013
I’m pretty sure I stopped giving a shit about Sonic. It may have been when Big the Cat was introduced. Or, you know, when Sega introduced bestiality into the franchise.
What the fuck is going through Knuckle’s mind here? I can’t tell if he’s disgusted or horny.
Interest Level: 1.5/5
Beyond: Two Souls
Developer: Quantic Dream
Publisher: Sony Computer Entertainment
Platform: PS3
Release Date: October 8, 2013
Fuck, man, if knowing that Ellen Page and Willem Dafoe are in this game…
And I do mean…
…IN the fucking game…
isn’t enough to convince you to buy it, then nothing is.
Interest Level: 5/5
The Last of Us
Developer: Naughty Dog
Publisher: Sony Computer Entertainment
Platform: PS3, PS4
Release Date: June 14, 2013
I’ve never been one for horror, but from what I’ve seen and heard, The Last of Us looks fan-fucking -tastic. Story-driven action-adventure is most definitely my cup of tea, and I would get a PlayStation to try it out.
I mean, just fucking YouTube it, all right? It looks like Fallout meets Resident Evil.
Interest Level: 5/5
Kingdom Hearts 3
Developer: Square Enix First Production Department
Publisher: Square Enix
Platform: Playstation 4, Xbox One
Release Date: TBA
As you may or may not know, I have a morbid fascination with Disney. And, from what I’ve heard, Kingdom Hearts is like the Avengers of Disney classics plus a bunch of anime characters I don’t give a shit about. I hope that the PS4 has backwards compatibility so I can play through the first two (main) games.
Eh, oh well. As long as it includes Lion King characters, I’ll be happy.
Interest Level: 4/5
Assassin’s Creed IV: Black Flag
Developer: Ubisoft Montreal
Publisher: Ubisoft
Platform: PC, PS3, PS4, Wii U, Xbox 360, Xbox One
Release Date: TBA
For fuck’s sake, Desmond Miles must be the most impossibly mixed-race man in the world. Arab, Italian, Aboriginal and, um, pirate? Okay then. Doesn’t distract from the fact that this series should have ended two games ago.
Interest Level: 2.5/5
South Park: The Stick of Truth
Developer: Obsidian Entertainment
Publisher: Ubisoft
Platform: PC, PS3, Xbox 360
Release Date: Holiday 2013
Dude who cares about my two cents? It’s South Park! Of course it’ll be awesome! When have Trey Parker and Matt Stone ever failed us?
Oh. Right. Never mind.
Interest Level: 5/5
Batman: Arkham Origins
Developer: Warner Bros. Games Montreal
Publisher: Warner Bros. Interactive Entertainment
Platform: PC, PS3, Wii U, Xbox 360
Release Date: October 25, 2013
Motherfucker, I don’t need to tell you to pre-order this immediately, do I?
Any ways, tomorrow (I promise) I’ll have a look at the consoles highlighted at the convention and deci, once and for all, who won E3 2013.
Please Kill the Messenger 
[…] (In case you missed the first two entries of my comments on E3, Part 1 can be found here while part 2 can be found here.) […]